On Thin Ice (A Dallas Demons Hockey Romance)

by Aven Ellis

  “That’s not true,” I say, my voice wobbling.

  “Bullshit. You were paid to keep the star player performing and out of trouble. Well, good on you, you did it. You made me believe everything was real. But it was all a lie.”

  “No,” I say, finding my voice. “Nate and Harrison asked me for help. They were worried about yo—"

  “Don’t say that. Don’t even. They wanted the superstar in line and scoring for the good of the Dallas Demons. It’s been that way my whole life. People just want me to keep scoring. Keep making money. But I never thought you were one of them.”

  As he says the last sentence, his beautiful blue eyes fill with unshed tears.

  “I’m not. I told them I would not take any money to help you. And I didn’t.”

  “No more lies. I can’t take any more lies.”

  “Do you think I would take money to help you?” I cry. “I helped you because I cared about you. I told them no money. And as soon as you admitted you liked me, I never did anything that I didn’t feel in my heart. I wanted to be with you. I didn’t do it because I felt like I needed to. And I had no idea the house was part of it. None. Or I never would have moved into it.”

  “Right,” Matt snaps. “And the car?”

  “What? The car was a graduation gift.”

  “Let’s see, keep Matt busy and get a house in a ritzy zip code and a Volvo. Pretty sweet deal. My mom would approve.”

  His words gut me. He’s tearing me apart now, and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.

  “No,” I say, shaking my head violently. “You’re wrong.”

  Matt ignores me. “I suppose losing your virginity was just something to do to occupy the time, right?”

  “Don’t you dare say that!” I shout as anger grips me. “Don’t you dare. I would never make love to you if I didn’t feel love. I love you. That’s why I slept with you. You can sit here and tell yourself this was all a deal, but it wasn’t.”

  Something in Matt’s gaze shifts. I find the strength to keep going.

  “Before you told me your feelings, you were in serious trouble,” I say, continuing. “Nate and Harrison were worried about you as your friends. So was I. And while you were out getting drunk and taking pictures with random girls you met, I was at home crying my eyes out over you. Over the fact that you would never care about me the way I did you. When they asked me to help you, I agreed. And when you kissed me that day and told me your feelings, the stupid deal no longer existed to me. It was just you and me. And if you allow your heart to get past this, you’ll know I’m telling you the truth.”

  “No, I don’t,” Matt says, raking his hands through his hair in frustration and beginning to pace. “Everyone in my life has lied to me. Used me for something. You were supposed to be different!”

  “I am,” I say, choking up. “And that’s why you fell in love with me.”

  Matt whirls around, a look of pure anger on his face.

  “I loved the girl I thought you were. The Holly I fell in love with was honest. She would never deceive me like this. But that was all part of the deal. Pretend. I don’t even know you, so how can I love you?”

  “Then why don’t you go?” I say through my tears. “Go find someone honest to love. And while you’re at it, maybe she’ll be confident and normal, unlike me. She won’t bog you down with social anxiety. But why bring that up? Because I’m sure you think I made that up, too.”

  Matt stares at me, and I see questioning in his expression. Once again, I’ve made a point that makes him think.

  “Your social anxiety never bothered me,” he says slowly. “You’re placing that as a wedge between us. I never cared about that. Ever. If I never went to a bar again, I wouldn’t give a shit. All I wanted was you.”

  “And what about you calling yourself trash? I never said that about you. Your past is your past. I don’t care about it. All I saw was the man on the inside. The man you were with me. And that’s the man I love. If you can’t look inside yourself and see that, and see what we had, then you should leave.”

  I swallow hard, praying that he’ll choose to stay. To believe me. To believe in what we have.

  To believe in love.

  “It was too good to be real. A woman like you doesn’t belong with a man like me,” he says, his voice thick. “Not without a deal.”

  Panic builds in my chest.

  It’s over.

  Matt’s eyes lock with mine, and I see nothing but pain.

  “Goodbye, Holly.”

  Then he turns and walks out, shutting the door behind him.

  Chapter 31

  “Would you please talk to your brother?” Mom asks as she sits on the edge of my hospital bed. “He’s got practice this morning, and I know he’d feel a lot better if he could speak to you, sweetie.”

  I stare out the window, past the flowers and balloons that have been delivered to me. I’m checking out today, but so far I’ve refused to see Nate. Seeing Matt devastated me, so I told the nurse I refused all visitors until the next day. All I wanted was Matt, and since I didn’t have him, I wanted to be alone.

  My mom flew in last night and has been by my side this morning. CiCi, Kenley, and Reese are all due to come by before I’m discharged later today.

  But I refuse to speak to Nate.

  “He ruined everything,” I say flatly.

  Mom reaches for my hand. “Honey, please try to understand. We’re all shocked by you and Matt. I mean, nobody saw this coming. You two are so different, and Matt’s so . . .” She pauses as if she’s trying to figure out a nice way to describe Matt’s behavior in the past.

  “Don’t,” I say, putting my hand up to stop her. I push the breakfast tray away because I don’t want to eat anything right now. “Matt is a good man, and I lost him because of a stupid deal I wish I could take back. You don’t know the Matt I know. Neither does Nate.”

  Mom is silent, and I see a skeptical look in her brown eyes.

  There’s a knock at the door, and a nurse pops her head in.

  “Ms. Johansson, will you see a Nate Johansson now?” she asks.

  I set my jaw. I can see Nate is going to be stubborn about this, and I can’t avoid him forever.

  “Fine.”

  She nods and leaves to bring him back.

  “Try to see his side,” Mom says softly. “He’s protective of you. In his mind, Matt is not a good match for you.”

  “I don’t care,” I say, irritated with my mom. “I’m twenty-one. I think I’ve shown I make good decisions, and even if they are bad, they’re not his to make.”

  The door pops open, and Nate enters the room.

  I feel nothing but anger as I lock eyes with him, eyes identical to my own.

  “Hey, good to see you,” Nate says softly.

  I don’t reply.

  Mom clears her throat and stands up. “I think I’m going to grab some coffee. Is Kenley here with you?”

  “Yeah, she’s in the waiting area,” Nate says.

  “Well, I’ll go see if she wants a cup of coffee,” Mom says, bending down and kissing me on the forehead. “I’ll be back later.”

  “Bye,” I say, watching her as she walks out the door.

  After it shuts behind her, silence fills the room. I don’t look at Nate. I play with the blanket across my lap, knotting the fabric in between my fingers.

  “Holly,” Nate says, dragging the visitor chair closer to my bed and sitting down, “I’m sorry for how that all came out yesterday. That was a mistake on my part.”

  “Are you? Are you really sorry?”

  “What? Of course I am. Shit, I’m not an asshole.”

  I don’t say anything.

  Nate lets out a sigh. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry about the sce
ne in here. It was stupid.”

  “Scene? You think I’m upset about that? How about exposing the deal? How about for lying to me about the house? For treating me like a child who needs your supervision to make decisions? For being so awful to Matt, who is your friend? That’s what you should be sorry for!”

  I finally look at him, and Nate’s eyes are wide in shock.

  “God, you really are in love with him,” he says as if the light bulb has finally gone off in his head.

  “I have been for years,” I blurt out, frustration overflowing in me and bursting forward. “I’ve always wanted to be with Matt. He gets me. He is kind and patient and loving with me. We have always belonged together, and he thinks so, too. Do you hear that? We belong together.”

  “Holly,” Nate says, “don’t let your feelings override logic. You two are very different people.”

  “You know what? Shut up. Just shut up, Nate. You’re going to listen to me. We are different. I know that. But do you know what we’ve done since we’ve been together? We watch movies. We cook. We talk for hours. We adopted a cat. He knows things about me that you don’t. Like how I suffer from crippling social anxiety. Something I’ve kept hidden from everyone except for Matt.

  “And do you know what he did when he found out?” I continue. “He researched it. Found articles to help me. Suggested going to a therapist, and with his help, I was brave enough to do it. He even went with me. Yes. He sat in a waiting room on his off day to support me. So if you think he’s not loyal and caring, then you don’t know him. And if you think he’s going out and partying on the down low, you don’t know him. But I do. And I love him.”

  I stop to breathe. My heart is beating out of my chest, and Nate is staring at me in complete shock.

  “You . . . you have social anxiety? You saw a therapist? I can’t believe this. You never told me? Mom?”

  “No, I didn’t tell anyone. But Matt was there during an attack, and I told him. And Matt isn’t fazed by it. He was supportive of me. He never judged, not once. Nor did I judge him. For his past. Just because he went out with a lot of different women doesn’t mean he was going to cheat on me, Nate. He never had a girlfriend during that time. But all this aside, he’s a good man. You’re friends with him, you know it’s true. Most of all, he’s a good man for me.”

  Nate is silent. I know I’ve upended his world with these bombshells, but he has to hear me out.

  “And whether you like it or not, if Matt were to take me back, I’d run to him.”

  Nate studies me, and I angrily wipe away the hot tears that have begun to spill out from my eyes.

  “Holly, I had no idea about any of this,” he says, his voice full of shock. “None. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you. I didn’t know all this about Matt.”

  “Matt hates me now,” I say. “He broke up with me yesterday.”

  “I’m sorry.” Nate closes his eyes and opens them. “I messed this up. I wanted to protect you. He seems so wrong for you.”

  My past flashes in front of my eyes. How I was skeptical of Kenley when I met her. How I tried to protect Nate and was rude to her . . . and my stomach drops out as that realization hits me.

  “Maybe this is my past coming back to haunt me,” I admit.

  “What do you mean?” Nate asks.

  My face burns hot with shame. “I didn’t think Kenley was right for you. And I was hard on her. It wasn’t my place to intervene, but I did. And you made it clear that she was the woman you loved and I could deal with it or not, but you chose her.”

  I study Nate, and I see recognition in his eyes.

  We both did the same thing, trying to protect each other.

  “I’m still taking all this in,” Nate says slowly, putting his hand out, “and I don’t know if I think Matt is the guy I’d pick for you, but I understand it’s not my choice. It’s yours. And I trust you wouldn’t be with him if he wasn’t good for you.”

  I bite down hard on my lip. “It doesn’t matter. Matt hates me.”

  “Listen, I talked to Harrison last night, and he called Matt and explained why we asked you to watch him. Because we do care about him. Harrison apologized. He also said you had no idea about the house being a form of payment, either. We’re both sorry we lied to you, Holly.”

  “Matt knows I didn’t know?” I ask, a tiny bit of hope filling me.

  “Yeah, he does. Harrison also said he expects Matt to work with us on the line, as teammates, even if he’s pissed off at us. And that he shouldn’t go backward in his personal life in defiance, either. He might be hurting us, but by acting out he will hurt himself the most.”

  Images of Matt partying on social media flash through my head, and fear grips me.

  “I don’t know if he’ll listen,” I say.

  “I don’t either.”

  Nate is silent for a moment, and then he clears his throat.

  “We had it out yesterday,” he admits. “I’m not going to go into the details, but it was ugly. Reese separated us.”

  I’m going to be sick. Matt’s whole world collapsed around him, and I can’t imagine how alone he feels right now.

  “Holly, I’ll talk to him. We’re flying out to Las Vegas after practice today, but I’ll apologize. I promise you, I will.”

  I hold back my tears. “Thank you.”

  “I’m sorry,” Nate says, reaching for my hand.

  “Me too,” I say.

  There’s a knock at the door, and CiCi doesn’t wait for a response before she pushes it open.

  “Darling, we must get you out of here,” she says, sweeping across the room. “It’s so drab. How can you possibly recover in a place this void of color? Beige is not a color to inspire good health.”

  Nate rises to greet her, and she gives him a kiss on the cheek.

  “The coffee here is vile,” CiCi says, shuddering. “I had Kenley and your mother run to Starbucks. We need drinks that aren’t capable of peeling the awful paint off these hideous walls. Now, Nate, you need to go to practice, so I can catch up with my poor girl here.”

  “Right. Holly, I’ll talk to you later. I love you,” he adds.

  “I love you, too,” I say, meaning it with all my heart.

  As soon as Nate walks out the door, CiCi sits on my bed. She reaches for my hand, and the comfort she gives me brings me to tears.

  “I’ve ruined my life,” I choke out. “CiCi, I’m a horrible person. I’ve destroyed Matt. He didn’t deserve this. And it kills me to know I’m the one who broke him.”

  Then I burst into tears.

  CiCi doesn’t say a word but gathers me into her arms. I clutch on to her, bawling into her blouse, her familiar perfume enveloping me like a comforting blanket.

  CiCi is the only one who knows the other side of Matt. She never judged him the way everyone else did, and that’s why I can finally share my grief over what I’ve lost.

  She runs her hand over the back of my head. “Darling, tell me what happened.”

  I take a breath and pour my heart out to CiCi, from my horrible lie of omission to the deal to what happened last night. She doesn’t say a word.

  I pull back from her once I’m done, and she blurs in my vision. “I’ve lost him, CiCi. He hates me.”

  CiCi lifts an eyebrow. “Does he? Hate is a strong word. Is he hurt? Yes. But just because Matthew is hurting doesn’t mean he hates you.”

  I sniffle. CiCi leans over to the table next to the bed and pulls out a tissue.

  “Oh, these are dreadful,” she declares, dropping it in distaste. “Let me get you one from my purse,” she says, rifling through her large Louis Vuitton tote. “Here. Something that doesn’t have the texture of sandpaper. And it has aloe, so it will soothe your skin.”

  I take the tissue from her. �
�Thank you.”

  CiCi puts her hand over mine. “I know Matt is angry. He’s upset. But you listen to me. You are meant to be with this boy. I saw the connection on Casino Night, the way his eyes followed you wherever you went. Matthew loved you back then.”

  I bite down hard on my lip to keep it from quivering.

  “I knew there was something between you two,” she continues. “The way you stole glances at each other. The ease in which you talked. And oh, how that boy spoke about you when I was alone with him. There’s no doubt that you’re good for him. He grew up because of you. But I know he’s given back to you, too.”

  I nod. “He has. He supports me and encourages me and loves me in a way I never dreamed a man could. Loved me,” I painfully correct.

  “Love is not a water faucet, Holly. He didn’t shut off his feelings for you and walk away. You would never fall for that kind of man. And I certainly wouldn’t invest my time helping someone like that.”

  “There’s nothing else I can say to him,” I say, my heart breaking again.

  CiCi is silent for a moment.

  “Who says you have to say anything?”

  “What do you mean?” I ask, confused.

  “You’re a writer. Your heart is best expressed in the written word. Holly, write to him. You will reach him through your words. That is how you will get Matthew back.”

  Write to him.

  Heath and Calla.

  I gasp. I realize I’ve been writing our story all along, and that is why I couldn’t write their black moment. It was too close to home. Her lie being exposed was too painful for me to even contemplate, let alone write.

  But can I use Heath and Calla to reach Matt?

  Hope faintly begins to flicker inside me.

  “But if he won’t speak to me,” I ask, “how can I get him to read something I’ve written?”

  “You leave it to me,” CiCi says, rising from the edge of the bed. “You write to Matthew, and I’ll make sure he reads it. Now while you brainstorm, I’ll see if Kenley has my coffee.”