by Ella Jade
“I’m going to give you your space.” He came close to me, his blue eyes appeared duller, lost almost. “I’m going to give you whatever you need.” He kissed my cheek, lingering against my skin for a few seconds. “Always.” He stepped around me and walked down the hall.
I couldn’t hold back the sob that escaped from someplace deep inside my chest. What had I done? I went after him but stopped when I realized I wouldn’t even know what to say. The best man I’d ever met was getting away and I had no one to blame but myself.
“Miles,” I whispered. “I’m sorry.” Even if he couldn’t hear me, I needed to say it.
Chapter Thirteen
Miles
After a round of golf, Jameson and I went into the country club for lunch. He didn’t want a bachelor party and was happy to settle for a round of golf and lunch with me. Given the evening I’d had last night, I was afraid I wasn’t the best company. I couldn’t get Kirsten out of my thoughts. I’d given her what she’d asked for, but I’d gone too far.
“Are you okay?” Jameson squeezed the lemon into his iced tea. “I know this isn’t your idea of a bachelor party.” He grinned. “But my sordid past won’t allow me for the traditional type.”
“This was fine,” I said. “Sorry Max couldn’t join us. His plane gets in just before the rehearsal.”
“He’s not much of a golfer.”
“I wasn’t when I was his age either.” I glanced at my phone but I didn’t expect her to text me. The next move was on me but I wasn’t sure what that particular move should be. “I still can’t believe you’re getting married.”
“Me either.”
“You and CC are meant to be.” I’d witnessed what her love had done for him firsthand. “You’re going to have a long and happy life.”
“Thank you.”
“No problem.” When Jameson had asked CC to marry him, I never thought I’d find a love like that. I wasn’t looking for it. But somehow love had found me. I was just too stupid to see it. I screwed up.
“You want to tell me what’s wrong?”
“No.” I tried hard not to ruin this time for him. “You’re front and center these next couple days. Forget about me.”
“I’m not getting married for two days. I can spare a few minutes for you.”
“It has nothing to do with work, so no worries there. I’ll handle everything while you’re on your honeymoon.”
“So, it has to do with Kirsten?”
“Why do you assume that?”
“Because your life is work and her, so if it isn’t work it must be...” He stopped just as the concern crossed his face. “Is it Max? Please tell me it’s not Max.”
“No, as far as I know, Max is fine. He hasn’t told me what his plans are after the wedding but Mom thinks he may be coming home for good.”
“We can sort that out later. Whatever Max is or isn’t going to do can change in a matter of hours.”
“True but it would be nice to have him home.”
“Tell me what’s bothering you.” He pushed the menu out of the way. “It would help me take my mind off my pre-wedding jitters.”
“You have jitters? I find that hard to believe.” Jameson had nerves of steel. It took a lot to rattle him.
“I just want the day to be perfect for CC. She deserves the most spectacular wedding any bride has ever experienced.”
“While I’m sure it will be the wedding of her dreams, she doesn’t care about all that. She wants to spend the rest of her life with you. That’s all that matters to her.”
“That’s all that matters to me too.”
“Look at you. All committed and de-bachelorized.”
“Who’d have thought?” He snickered. “Enough about me. What’s going on with you?”
“It’s nothing.” Well, nothing I can discuss with you. “Kirsten and I had a misunderstanding.”
“How bad?”
“Don’t worry,” I assured him. “We’ll be in attendance on Saturday and ready to perform all of our wedding duties.”
“I’m not worried about that but I would like to help you.”
“I’m not sure if you can. I’m the one who screwed up and I don’t know how to fix it.” I leaned back in my chair. “If I can fix it.”
“How bad could it be?”
“Do you really want to hear about it?” Jameson and I were close enough to share personal stuff. We didn’t judge one another. Hell, after the shit I supported him through, he kind of owed me. Even if I couldn’t solve this problem, maybe I just needed my brother to tell me it was okay.
“What is it?”
“I may have come on too strong with Kirsten.” I cleared my throat. “Sexually.”
“Oh.”
“We sort of started off as a game. She wanted more experience and I wanted her, so, I, ah, gave her what she asked for but I don’t know.” I finished my beer. “It may have been too much. I did something I thought she’d like, but I misjudged the situation.”
“I see.”
“You couldn’t possibly.” I smiled. “But thanks for listening. It’s nothing.”
“I never told you how I met CC.”
“At that cafe where she worked.”
“That’s only half the story.” Jameson stared off in the distance for a moment. “I know all about games and wanting something, someone, so bad that you’ll compromise your integrity to get it. Do things that don’t make sense but you do them anyway.”
“What did you do?”
“When I met CC, I felt myself slipping away from my recovery. I was trying to stay clean but there were days when I didn’t think I could do it.”
“I remember those days.” I’d kept a close watch on my brother back then. I had faith in him but there were times when I was afraid he’d slip up. “You stayed strong.”
“I did but I used CC to do it.”
“What do you mean?”
“I paid her for sex.”
“What?”
“We were both desperate. I traded one addiction for another. The more I was with her, the more I craved her. At the time, what I was doing was just as toxic as using. I didn’t realize it. Her mother was dying. I didn’t know that either. Once I found out, I left her alone. I made her walk away from me because I wasn’t strong enough to do it myself.” He tapped his fingers on the table, looking miserable and ashamed. “I had to hurt her to make her leave. I wasn’t proud of myself but she didn’t need me. Not at that point in her life. I had some soul-searching to do. I took a year to find myself and really make a commitment to staying sober. When I thought I could be worth something to her, I pursued her again, but this time I went about it the right way.”
“I’m still trying to process the paying for sex part.”
“I know.” He shook his head. “I’m not proud of it but she forgave me and we found a way to build a solid relationship despite our past.”
“She loves you so much.”
“I still don’t believe I deserve her.” When he shrugged, I saw the remorse in his expression. He had a hard time coming to terms with his addiction. He didn’t believe he deserved happiness but he managed to find it with CC. “I’m telling you this because no matter what you’ve done to Kirsten, I somehow don’t think it’s as crazy as what I did to Cecilia. If you want to make it work with Kirsten, don’t give up.”
“What should I do?”
“Grovel, apologize, buy her expensive stuff.” He laughed. “Don’t walk away because you’re ashamed or you don’t believe you can make it work. Start over if you have to. If she’s the one, she’ll forgive you.”
“You’re right.”
“About?”
“What you did is way worse than what I did.”
“Thanks, but that’s what older brothers do. We fuck up harder so you can learn the lesson.”
“Why didn’t you tell me before? About you and CC?”
“It’s not something I like to discuss,” he said. “Do you want to tell me what y
ou did that made Kirsten run in the opposite direction?”
“Not really.”
“See?”
“Point taken.” I nodded. “Thanks for listening.”
“Anytime.”
***
Kirsten
I stretched out on the sofa with a compress on my forehead and a cup of herbal tea by my side. The pounding from the tension headache refused to go away. I didn’t sleep all night. I’d soaked in the tub for an hour, hoping it would relax me. It hadn’t.
Miles had been front and center in my thoughts. I’d forced him to walk away from me. I asked for space and he gave it to me. Did I expect anything less from him? I had to pull myself together. We were going to see one another in a few hours at the rehearsal. Then there would be a dinner. We were probably seated next to one another.
When the doorbell chimed, I went to the door, hoping it was Miles. I had no right to expect him after what had happened last night, but I still wanted to see him. I wiped my eyes and gave my nose one last sniffle before I gazed out of the vestibule windows.
Ross? When I opened the door, he took one look at me and shook his head.
“You’ve been crying.” He entered the hall with concern in his eyes. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” Not wanting to get into this with him, I tried to play it off. “I’m just having a bad morning I have a headache.” I kissed his cheek. “What are you doing here?”
“I haven’t heard from you in a few days.”
“I’m sorry.” We hadn’t heard from one another in years so surely we could go a few days. “Work has been busy and my friend is getting married on Saturday.”
“And Miles?”
“What about him?”
“Does he occupy most of your free time?”
“We spend time together.” Or at least we did until I... “He does.”
“Are you happy?”
“Of course.”
“Forgive me but you don’t look very happy.” He took my hands in his. “What’s wrong?”
I took a deep breath, trying to hold back the tears. I couldn’t even begin to explain what I’d gotten myself into. “Miles and I had a disagreement. It’s nothing.”
“I know I screwed up last time but I’m still your friend.”
“You didn’t screw up,” I reminded him. “You did what was right for your family.”
“I could have gotten divorced and still been a good father.” His words were laced with regret, and I wondered if it had to do with his failed marriage or the way he had left me. “I went back because I thought it was the right thing to do. In the end, it only hurt my kids and my marriage ended anyway. I wasted years without you.”
“No.” I didn’t need him to confess this now.
“I shouldn’t have left you.” He wrapped his arm around my waist. “You’re all I thought about over the years. When Emma finally said she wanted the divorce, I couldn’t help but think I could find you and we could be together again.”
“What?” I didn’t expect that. “You came to Washington because you want to get back with me?”
“I did.” He smiled when he stroked my cheek. “I’d planned to go slow and gain back your trust but after seeing you again all the feelings came rushing back. I don’t think they ever left.”
“Ross, I didn’t expect this. I had no idea.”
“We could have a really good life together. I made you happy before.”
“Yes, but I was younger and I looked up to you. What we had then can’t be recreated.” Not now. Not after I’d been with Miles. “I can still be your friend but I don’t want to be with you like that.”
“How do you know if we don’t try?” He pressed his palm to my cheek. “My sweet Kirsten, I’ve never forgotten you.”
“It took me a long time to forget you.”
“I’m sorry but I can do better this time.”
“I don’t want you to apologize. I respected your decision and admired your dedication to your children, but I’ve learned to finally live my life. For the first time in years, I’m where I need to be.” Why hadn’t I realized that last night?
“With him?”
“We had a disagreement. One that was silly and I overreacted.” Miles was only doing what I asked him to do. Show me, teach me, lower my inhibitions. I should have trusted him.
“It’s not like you to overreact.”
“I’m not that young med student who hung on your every word. What we had was good for me at the time, but I can’t lead you on. If you really came to D.C. to be with me, you need to reconsider.”
“Why?”
“Because I love Miles,” I said it out loud. “I didn’t mean to fall in love with him but I did, and now I’ll do whatever it takes to make things work with him. I can’t have you complicating this for me.”
“Even if he’s all wrong for you?”
“That’s your opinion. You’ve made it very clear that you’re not a fan of his even though you know nothing about him.”
“I know enough.” I recognized the disappointment in his expression. “He’s reckless and isn’t used to playing by the rules. How do you think he has such a high success rate when it comes to putting candidates into office?”
“He’s a very determined man.” I needed to make Miles understand why I was so afraid last night. It didn’t have anything to do with what happened in that room. It was all about my inability to take the next step.
“You’re sure you love him?”
“Yes.”
“Does he love you?”
“I don’t know.” A tear slid down my cheek. “But that doesn’t change how I feel.”
“You look so lost.” He wiped the tears from my face. “He’s who you want?”
When I nodded, I caught a glimpse of Miles staring at me from the vestibule windows. Instinct made me smile when I gazed into his eyes, but he wasn’t smiling back. No, he was stunned. Shocked. Maybe hurt?
“Oh.” I moved away from Ross and out of his embrace, realizing what this must have looked like to Miles. “Wait.” I opened the door but he was already leaving. “Miles, please wait.”
“For what?” He turned and glared at me. “It was always going to be him, right?”
“No.”
“You want safe and conventional?” He stared at Ross. “Of course you do. Just not with me.”
“Miles.” Ross stepped out onto the porch. “You’re interpreting the situation all wrong. I’ll leave so you two can talk.”
“That’s not necessary.” Miles continued to his car. “Kirsten made it very clear what she wants and it isn’t me. It was never me.”
“Then you’re a fool,” Ross said. “You don’t deserve her.”
“Ross.” I wouldn’t do this out on the street, and I didn’t need Ross making matters worse. “I can speak for myself.”
Miles stared at me for a moment. I wanted to tell him not to go but I was so afraid of the rejection. Could he give me what I really wanted? Not the game but the man. Miles was my missing piece. The one he was grooming me for. Oh god! How had I let this happen? Before I had time to process my feelings, Miles was in his car with the engine roaring. As he merged into the street, I stood helpless. Why didn’t I stop him? Why did I keep letting him leave?
***
Miles
I went into the office because I needed a distraction. I wasn’t the best boyfriend around but I was trying. Kirsten and I may have started out as a game but that silly deal had quickly been replaced with a developing connection. Or so I had thought. Why had I let this become more than sex? Because I fucking wanted it, that’s why. I wanted her more than I’d ever thought I could and now look.
I rested my head in my hand and took a deep breath. We had to get through these next few days. No matter what Kirsten and I were dealing with, this was Jameson and CC’s weekend. I wouldn’t mess this up for them. No matter how much I hurt. A light tap on my office door took me out of my grim thoughts.
“I
hope I’m not interrupting.”
I looked up to find Ross standing in the doorway. I didn’t need this today. “What can I do for you?” Wasn’t it enough that he had her heart?
“The building is empty but I saw your light on.”
“My brother is getting married on Saturday. We shut down for a few days but I had some things I wanted to get done before the weekend.” I walked around my desk. “Why are you here?”
“I don’t want you to hurt her.”
“Me?” Did he really want to do this? “Aren’t you the one who already did that?”
“I didn’t come here to fight with you.” He entered my office. “Kirsten guards her emotions very carefully.”
“I wonder why.”
“You’re right, I did hurt her and that contributed to her being alone all these years. When she let you in, that was a big deal.”
“She didn’t let me in willingly.” I had known for quite some time why she had propositioned me. It was a way to protect herself from falling for me.
“I take the blame for that.” He glanced down at the floor before continuing. “I did what I thought was right at the time, but I was wrong. I picked the wrong woman.”
“It’s easy for you to say now that your kids are grown and you know it doesn’t work with your wife.” If he had figured that out a few months ago he could have come back to Kirsten sooner, and I would have missed out on one hell of a woman.
“I know it won’t work with Kirsten either.”
“How do you know that?”
“That’s what she was telling me when you walked in on us. She’s in love with you.”
“She told you that?” Why hadn’t she told me? “Never mind.” This wasn’t something I wanted to discuss with him. “You came to D.C. to get her back?”
“She’s worth fighting for but I won’t do that to her.” He headed for the door. “Unless you don’t feel the same way for her as she does for you.” He gave me a warning glare. “Then I will pursue her.”
“It’s probably best if you look for a position in another city.”
“Now that I know she wants to be with you there is no reason for me to stay here.”