I’d be happy to wash my hands of him if it weren’t for being all tangled up with him in business, if there was anything left to save there. I had no idea what to do. I even felt uncomfortable being back in the apartment. It held too many bad memories, and if Jack came home I might trigger his temper again.
If he came home.
“I’m going to kill him,” Angie said.
“Not if I get to him first.” I thought I had first rights on killing Jack, unless Eric wanted them.
Eric moved Angie’s hand, holding the ice bag away from his face.
“He has issues at the moment. He’s not coping with Spud’s death, and there are a heap of other things happening. He doesn’t have his head together. He’s not been right for a long time, and there are a lot of drugs.”
I couldn’t believe Eric was so forgiving.
“What drugs? There’s been a few parties but that’s it.”
Eric gave me a look that made me doubt what I thought I knew.
“That is all it is, right?”
Eric shook his head. “You really should discuss this with Jack. I just know it’s getting a little out of control. I shouldn’t have said anything…”
“Yes, you should have. You should’ve said earlier. Jack is all fucked up in his head.” Angie looked angrier than I felt. “We need to have an intervention.”
I could imagine how that would work out. Jack hated being told what to do. He’d just take it as a challenge to act worse. I couldn’t believe that I’d not even noticed how bad he’d gotten. I’d thought he was tired from the recording sessions. I mean, he’d been really erratic and moody, but he was always like that.
It made sense now. That day he’d not been at the recording studio, he’d said he hadn’t been cheating. Maybe it was because he was out trying to score drugs.
“Sheesh, you’d think with a mother like that he’d stay well clear of drugs.”
I had no answer to that. I just felt shocked that Jack had hidden this from me. Music had always been his life, the thing he used to cope when he had nothing else, but now he didn’t even respect that.
“What am I going to do? What are we doing to do? He needs help. How can we even make him see that?” I moved from pacing in the kitchen to the lounge room.
“Maybe I should call him to make sure he’s okay. We could pick him up. I’d rather know he’s safe.” Eric said that, even with his face swelling from Jack’s punch. I wondered if Jack realised what an awesome friend he had in Eric. Not many people would be that caring after being punched.
Of course, there was no answer when Eric called Jack. I bit my lip and sat down on the couch. I’d not be able to relax until I knew Jack was safe. I had too much going on, what with wanting to kill Jack and wanting to rescue him at the same time. He was in no fit state to be out there on his own.
Angie and Eric sat down too. The three of us couldn’t settle though.
“Do you want something to eat?” Eric asked.
I shook my head. So did Angie.
We went back to staring blankly into space for a while, no one talking, no one moving.
“Is he shooting up?” I asked Eric. I didn’t even know that. Surely if we’d had a normal relationship, I’d know that. Maybe that was why he’d been pulling away from me so much.
“I don’t think so. Not that I know of.”
“Really, it can’t be that bad, can it? He’s grown man having a night out on the town. He’ll get messed up and eventually come home. It’s not that bad…”
I looked hopefully at Eric, but I don’t think any of us could believe that. We’d all seen that glazed over, crazy look in Jack’s eyes. He was on a path to destruction and who knew where it would end. I kept thinking of the night we got the call about Spud. It made me scared my phone would ring.
I sighed and got up to make coffee. It was going to be a long night. At least making coffee would give me something to do.
“Is it me?” I finally asked. “I thought I could make everything okay, but I’ve just made it worse…”
Angie put her arm around me. “No. He’s a shit. He just said that because he wanted to get to you, Hannah.”
Eric nodded. “If anything, the moodiness has gotten better since he started going out with you. He’s really been trying; it’s just there’s a darkness in him. I don’t even know if he can control it. If he pushes it down, it just comes out when he’s sleeping.”
“He’s had a fucked up life. You just have to look at his mother to know that. But he should deal with it instead of being a shit. I mean, Hannah’s had a fucked up life too, what with her father being a total creep and all, but she doesn’t go around fucking shit up.”
I’m sure Angie meant well by that, but I didn’t really want reminding of how fucked up my life was.
“Yeah but my dad was okay, well to me, at least, when I was growing up. Well, mostly. I mean, he wasn’t around much, and I spent a lot of time with the staff, but I had everything I needed.” Even as I said it, I wondered if it were true. I never realised at the time but most people had more than that. They had someone who cared for them and comforted them, and made things okay. I thought of Vera, the maid. I’d totally believed she’d cared about me until she said it was just a job for her. Maybe I’d known that on some level.
I envied Eric. His family was so tight-knit and supportive, even if Eric-Mama did complain about him not having a real job. That was just the way she showed she cared for him. Angie complained a lot about her family too, how she was the forgotten middle child who never got attention, but you could tell she loved her family a lot. The complaining was just a part of that.
I’d tried. I’d tried so hard. I wanted to be supportive of my dad. I wanted to have that kind of relationship, but there came a time when you just had to draw the line. I’d been fool enough too many times, and Dad has used that. He’d taken all he could eke out of me.
I couldn’t let that happen with Jack too. There were lines that he couldn’t cross. I had to stand strong.
The ring of my phone startled the hell out of all of us. Angie even gave a little squeal. We sat and looked at it ring.
Finally, I answered.
“Hannah, it’s Jack. I’m in the lockup—”
“What the fuck?” I had a thousand mean things to say. I wanted to laugh and hang up to teach him a lesson, but I said nothing.
“Listen, I don’t have long. You gotta come bail me out.” I think that’s what he said. His words were slurred and hard to understand.
All the questions I had could wait until I got there. I took down the address.
Eric and Angie stared at me, full of curiosity.
“I have to go and bail him out. He’s at the police station.” My voice sounded weary, as though this was what I’d been expecting all night. The nervous energy drained out of me and was replaced by an overwhelming tiredness.
“We’re going with you,” said Eric. “Moral support.”
“No, wait here. It’ll be easier with just me going.”
“I’d leave him in the lockup for the night. It’d probably do him good. Give him some time to think about what he’s done. He doesn’t deserve rescuing.”
“Maybe not, but he’s done enough damage to the band’s reputation without this getting out.” I didn’t know if the band could recover but I couldn’t let him just rot there.
I grabbed Jack’s car keys. If he needed me to bail him out, I sure as hell was going to take his car.
Chapter 26
I waited in the foyer of the police station. The whole area was beige but bathed in blue light. Pictures of wanted criminals lined a noticeboard. I didn’t want to look at them in case I saw my father there. The other walls had posters about road safety in bright colours. The officer had said he’d check Jack out back and get back to me.
I couldn’t sit on the hard plastic chairs. I had to pace the floor. The officer wouldn’t tell me the charges against Jack. He wouldn’t even say how much bail would be.
I could do nothing but wait.
I heard footsteps echo from a corridor behind the walls. I took some deep breaths to calm myself.
The officer came through the door with Jack behind him. He had his hands in cuffs behind his back, and his head bent so I couldn’t see his face. Blood was smeared on his T-shirt. His hair had matted in big clumps and he smelt sour. I couldn’t tell if he’d vomited on himself, or fallen over in something foul.
“So, the bail money?” I asked.
I stood at the counter with him and we went through the paperwork, and I paid out a lot more than I should have. The way Jack had been, I wasn’t even sure if he’d turn up for court or if I’d lose my money. Still, Jack didn’t look up. I wondered if he’d damaged his face or if he just felt ashamed of the way he’d been acting.
There were a few charges, the main ones being breaking and entering and assault.
“Always knew that mysterious benefactor would give up on you one day,” the cop said as he undid the cuffs. “You’ve had some lucky breaks, mate, but you just had to push your luck too far.”
Jack made a move as though he was going to fly at the cop, but I grabbed his arm and he settled down.
“I’d be careful if I were you.” The cop gave me a searching look. “It might be fun for you to be slumming it, but you could pick someone better than him. He’ll be going away for a long time.”
“What happened?” I asked when we got back to the car. I wound down the car window to let some fresh air in and opened the air vents, even though the night was freezing. Better to be cold than to breathe in the waves of decay coming from Jack.
Jack sighed and leaned his head back. A purple bruise spread across his cheekbone, but it was still nowhere near as bad as Eric’s.
“The man’s a jerk. A fucking jerk. Told him to back off out of my life. I made damn sure he’ll never bail me out again.” Jack laughed.
I assumed he meant Frank. I’d seen the grazes on Jack’s knuckles and figured there’d been more fighting in his night than just the incident with Eric.
I didn’t say anything. He never even mentioned the gig. I wondered if he remembered it, or if the night had all blurred together into some black hole.
“I thought I was lucky, different to other people. All those times I’d gotten in trouble and gotten out of it. That wasn’t me at all. It was him.”
I wasn’t sure how to respond. He didn’t even seem to register that I sat beside him, driving.
“He fucked up Mum’s life, then gave her money. That’s the worst thing he could have done. He ruined her, totally ruined her and kept ruining. If he’d done the right thing, if he’d been less of a jerk, maybe she wouldn’t be the fucked up mess she is now. God, it’s all fucked.”
He smashed his fist into the dashboard. I was still angry with him, but my heart ached for him too.
“I’ve fucked things up, Hannah. I’ve fucked them up a lot. Maybe it’s because I have such a fucked-up father. He’s an evil man.”
“No more evil than my father.”
“Yeah, true.” He raised his hips, feeling for something in his pocket and pulled out a crumpled cigarette packet. He flipped the lid and pulled one out. “We’re both fucked up together.”
I didn’t doubt that.
“I only asked him for one thing. Just one thing. When I had to save you at the airport, I messaged him. I had to get you back.”
It had been the morning after that Frank had come to the apartment. I hadn’t known what he’d wanted, but I knew they’d been angry. It must have been a huge thing for Jack to ask him for help.
Jack didn’t say any more for a while, and I wondered if he’d fallen asleep.
“I did a bad thing, Hannah. It’s my fault Spud died.”
We were nearly back to the apartment, but I took a detour. If Jack wanted to talk, I’d drive all night. Maybe it was easier for him to talk when he didn’t have to face me, when he could stare out the darkness of the car window at the lights of the city. Maybe he was still a bit trashed, too.
“He had a car crash, Jack.”
“I gave him the drugs. I gave him the drugs and he smashed up his car. I shoulda told him I’d go with him. If I’d been there, I coulda stopped him driving. He just wanted to have a bit of fun.”
“Or he’d have scored elsewhere. Spud was getting in over his head. He wasn’t just partying, he was getting crazy, really fucked up. I don’t think he should have gone on tour.”
I hadn’t known that Jack gave him the drugs. Maybe that’s what he’d been trying to tell me the night at the harbour.
“Doesn’t alter the fact that I gave it to him. It was me. I have to live with that.”
He turned on the stereo as though he needed something to fill the silence. We drove for a while with the music playing, not talking. I wasn’t sure where exactly what suburb we were in. I checked the fuel gauge to make sure we weren’t about to run out.
I could see the glow of Jack’s cigarette from the corner of my eye and knew he was sorting things through in his head. This was his life. He needed to decide it was worth it. And, in the overall list of screwed up shit Jack Colt had done, giving Spud some drugs was pretty low down on the list. He couldn’t go back and change that, but he could fix the things he’d screwed up now.
I didn’t want to get sucked back into this. Jack’s voice, his seductive honey voice with its edge of hurt, could pull me back there and I’d be even worse off because every time I forgave his shit, it became easier to forgive. I could not be that person. This was the moment. The definitive moment where I had to take a stand.
It’d be simple thing to ignore all that had happened and spend the night with Jack, going back to the same pattern we’d been in before, but in the end it’d ruin both of us. I had to harden my heart. I had to be stronger than anyone.
I turned the car around.
When we got back to the apartment, I parked the car in the garage and got out with my stuff, heading to the street.
“You coming in?” He looked at me, puzzled, as though he expected everything would be forgiven. As if it could just be that easy.
I shook my head without turning to face him.
“Hannah,” he said and he nearly got me with that edge to his voice. “Hannah, I need you with me tonight.”
He rushed toward me and grabbed my arm but I shook him off.
“You don’t need me, Jack Colt. You need to get inside and apologise to Eric, and maybe think about how you’ve screwed up his life. You’ve fucked up everything, Jack. Everything. I can’t be near you right now because we will destroy each other.”
Jack’s mouth hung open, confirming that the events of earlier in the day had sunk down some black hole in his brain. For a moment he held my gaze and I saw it all come back to him, all those things he’d done—how he’d fucked up their gig and punched Eric. He’d just shat all over his life and kept on partying. I watched all that play out on his face and twist him up inside.
In the harsh light of the garage, the shadows under his eyes darkened and his face looked tight and gaunt. He’d lost that spark he had and I wasn’t sure how he could get it back.
“Help me, Hannah… You’re my redemption.”
“There is a part of you that is killing the man I love, and I can’t forgive that.”
There was only one way I could save Jack Colt, and that was by walking away from him.
Chapter 27
I moved back to that crappy boarding house where I’d lived when Dad had left. It was still awful and disgusting, but they rented out the rooms by the week and they were cheap. Also, it gave me anonymity that I’d not be able to get anywhere else—no lease, no bills with my name on them. I’d even given the landlord a fake name. He’d not remembered me from when I’d lived there before—or maybe he pretended not to—and didn’t care, so long as I fronted up with the cash.
Last time I’d lived there I’d sat in my room, moping about my downfall in life surrounded by my designer clothes th
at I later had to sell. This time, I couldn’t do that. I bought cleaning products and spent the morning getting rid of the disgusting mould and grime from the bathroom. I doubted it’d stay clean, but at least I could take a shower without my flesh crawling. If I didn’t do it, no one else would.
While I was cleaning, the old lady who’d spent every night coughing up her lungs came in to have a chat.
“You’re doing a lovely job there,” she said. “About time someone did something around here.”
My thoughts exactly.
“I’d have done it myself, but I can’t bend over like I used to. It’s hard when you get old. When your hip goes, it’s all downhill from there.”
If she cared so much, she could have cleaned the sink and maybe some of the other areas that didn’t involve bending over, but I didn’t say anything. I knew what it was like to get apathetic. That’s what I was fighting against.
She told me all about her various ailments, and I figured it wouldn’t kill me to listen and be a bit sympathetic.
Then I did nothing but study for a week. Finally, I sat my exams and was finished with the semester. I had weeks of nothing to do stretched out before me.
-o-
Angie came over to visit that afternoon. She wandered around the room, peering into the cupboards under the sink and looking through my stuff. It was so cold that she kept her coat on as she looked around. She’d brought me coffee, so I forgave her snooping. There was nowhere to sit but the bed anyway.
“You are only living here to do penance for some imaginary wrongdoings, right?” she said. “I mean, you could rent something better.”
“I don’t want to commit money I don’t have. There is only the money from when the band got signed, and nothing after that. Plus I outlaid a huge amount of that to get Jack out on bail.”
I sat down on the bed, watching her poke around. I had a blanket over my legs with my feet tucked up well away from the cold floor.
“Well, you could get a job, you know. Waitressing, working in a shop? Something like that. It’s not like you have to live in poverty.”
Bad Boy Redemption (Bad Boy Rock Star #3) Page 14