by J. Walker
The two sofa’s had been pushed together to make a comfortable bed for the two of us to sleep on. Deep inside the covers, it was cozy and warm. The room had grown cold during the night, although the heaters worked hard to maintain isolated bubbles of warmth. I noticed that Derek had gotten up every hour or so throughout the night. He kept peeling back the same corner of newspaper on the glass door and peering into the darkness. By the time the sun was rising, I doubted he’d gotten any sleep at all.
As promised, Jenna and the rest of her group arrived about an hour and a half after sunrise. Everything was quickly loaded, ready to go and before long we were driving down the winding country roads. Derek and I drove together, the snowplow heavily laden with the spoils of our plunder. The feeling of being watched had long since passed but Derek was unusually vigilant in his scrutiny of the landscape passing by.
“Everything okay?” I finally asked him when we were about fifteen minutes away from the compound.
He smiled and rubbed my knee.
“Yeah, its fine. Just couldn’t shake it last night. I know someone was watching us. And they covered their tracks. But I’ve been keeping an eye out and I don’t think we’re being followed.”
I was alarmed by this revelation but quickly hid my concern, feigning confidence in our ability to maintain the compound’s security, to avoid causing unnecessary worry on Derek’s part. He was going to leave Jason behind because of his leg, which had been injured it in a fall from a roof but it was a clean break and had been properly set and dressed. It would heal just fine but Gemma and Amy would need to take a look at it to make sure. He was also going to allow two young privates to remain behind because they were originally from the area and would be helpful in maintaining the security of the compound.
The next few weeks passed all too quickly. Derek’s group readied their vehicles and supplies for the road. We continued to monitor the wall and surrounding areas, while assisting when we could. We gave them as many extra supplies as we could spare and tried to give them some stockpiled gasoline but Derek refused to accept most of it.
“You’re going to need these things more than we will. We can scav on the road. You’ll need the gas. The food, some of the medical supplies, fine. You’ve got lots of space to grow more food but that’s it.” He said to me one night.
“Gas will run out eventually. It’ll go bad too, if kept for too long in storage. Besides we’ve got the horses and the horse cart.” I replied.
“Two horses and a horse cart are not going to get you and this group back to the storage facility if you need to leave.”
I leaned back in bed and sighed. “Yeah, you’re right. We just want to help.”
Derek had been coming to stay with me in the house after everyone had gone to sleep for the night. He left each morning long before anyone awakened. I savored our nightly rendezvous’, never wanting them to end and my heart grew heavier as each day passed.
I promised myself that I would not cry when he left, betraying no emotional attachment of any kind. I would live in the moment and simply enjoy the precious but fleeting time we had, fully aware that I may never this level of emotional and physical connection again. It was a small blessing in a world of unknowns.
After our last night together, I crept quietly out of the room when I believed him to be asleep and cried silently in the bathroom. I dried my eyes and returned to the bedroom, folding myself in his embrace, hoping the dawn would never come. But in the early morning hours, the sky still darkened, I heard him slip quietly out of bed and dress.
I lay there soundlessly, listening to his movements, wishing this moment had never come. He walked over to my side of the bed and stood there for a moment. I could feel his eyes on me but I simply lay there, pretending to sleep. Keeping my breathing stead, I tried to quell the furious beating of my heart, certain he could hear it.
I heard him place something on the bedside table, it clinked as he gently set it down. He leaned over me and as was his usual custom, he kissed me softly on the top of my head. He hovered there for an endless moment, watching me, while my throat tightened and my eyes stung with unshed tears.
He whispered gently. “Emily.”
His hand softly stroked my hair and after a lengthy pause he spoke again. “I love you.”
He left the house, returning to his cot in the barn. When I heard the distinct click of the back door, I allowed the tears to come and reached out for the item he’d placed on the table. It was his dog tags. I picked them up and placed them around my neck. Wiping my tears away, I rose and prepared for the day I’d come to dread.
The morning sun was slowly covered by dark and snowy clouds as we gathered at the main gate to bid our farewells to the group. Their vehicles were packed with supplies and everyone was gathered around the convoy of vehicles. They were shaking hands and hugging, passing jokes around, laughing and exchanging small gifts.
I stood to the back of the group watching the kids play in the snow and laughing. Occasionally, my eyes found Derek and our gazes locked sadly. As the last soldier filed into the last vehicle, he approached me.
“Emily.” It was more of a sigh than a word.
“Don’t say anything. Please.” I replied, my voice threatening to choke again on tears that I’d been fighting back all morning long.
I paused for a moment, smiling briefly and kicked the small cardboard box at my feet. “These are for you and your boys.”
He reached for the box and pulled back the cover to reveal the box of magazines we found on our first day at the safe house.
He shook his head and laughed. “Thanks.”
“Be careful.” I said to him, my voice catching with unspoken emotion.
Our eyes locked for the last time and it was with great difficulty that we avoided one last touch.
“We will.” He walked away and climbed into his Jeep.
Be strong, I told myself again and again. Don’t cry. If you can do this, if you can get through this moment without one tear, you can do anything. You can survive anything.
Mike opened the gate, the kids jumped up and down, calling out their good-byes, waving energetically. The rest of the group, including the three that were staying behind gathered soberly behind the departing caravan. I stood there feeling like my heart was being ripped out of my chest as they drove away.
My throat tightened and burned, my eyes stung with tears and when the gate finally closed, I turned and walked into the forest. Feeling the eyes of the group burning into my back, I kept moving, one foot in front of the other. If I stopped, if I looked back, I’d see their pity and I didn’t want it. I wanted Derek.
I walked for a very long time without stopping. The drifts of snow were high and hampered my progress. Out of pure exhaustion, both physical and emotional, I finally sat down heavily on a fallen tree and allowed the sorrow to escape at last. My body heaved with the strength of my sobs and I buried my head in my hands. I felt broken and incomplete. My soul felt as though it had been ripped apart.
Spent and exhausted from the endless weeping, a calm quietude finally surrounded me. I listened to the birds in the forest, the distinct light crunching of the snow as small animals crept across it surreptitiously to avoid any contact. Eventually, I heard footsteps approach but I didn’t turn to see who it was. I just wanted to be alone in my misery.
The footsteps stopped behind me and without uttering a single word, whoever it was took a spot next to me on the fallen tree. I felt arms encircle me, holding me tightly and I allowed myself to be comforted. I needed it but was often too proud to let anyone else know when I was hurting.
A soft hand smoothed my hair and a gentle voice spoke.
“I love you mom. I’m so sorry.”
I gave Ashley a small smile but it quickly turned again to tears and I struggled to find words.
“I love you too sweetie.” I managed to say weakly.
“I love you too.” I whispered again but he was too far away.
Chapter Twe
nty
Within three days of Derek’s departure, they arrived at the main gate demanding entrance. There were five of them.
In the days prior, I had sunk into a depressive state. I threw myself at every chore imaginable to avoid facing my friends and my feelings. In doing so, I had also ignored my instincts. The same feeling of foreboding that Derek and I both felt at the storage facility. The same inherent impulse that kept Derek looking out the windows on our drive back to the compound.
He was wrong. I was wrong. They had followed the tracks in the snow from our vehicles, just as I’d feared.
Ashley, Sarah and Sam’s sons were watching the gate that morning. I’d already witnessed their arrival on the video feed. As I made my way to the interior gate, Ashley was urgently trying to contact me on the radio.
I yelled at Amy to get the kids together immediately and head to the cottages in the conservation area behind us. I told Bree and Amber to lock everything up, making sure all the access points to any hidden areas were well concealed and to leave the compound as well.
Jason hobbled alongside me as I rushed through the compound.
“What’s going on?”
“Jason, go with Amy and round up everyone else. You’re hurt and you’re no fucking good to me if you get yourself killed.” I answered him breathlessly. “Go with them and for God’s sake, keep them safe! I need your brains right now! You and the others need to figure out a way to get us out of this.”
I pushed passed him and slammed the tall chain link gate closed before he could step out. “Tell the others, be ready for anything. Make sure Amy and everyone else gets out of here with the kids.”
I hoped I was overreacting, that my gut feelings were wrong and this was just another group of survivors looking for refuge.
I hadn’t paid attention to anything over the past three days. I’d become wrapped up in my own selfish emotions, grieving Derek’s departure and trying to heal from the anguish of being alone after finding something so rare in this cruel new world.
My futile efforts caused me to neglect the well-being and safety of the compound. I was overwhelmed by guilt but a slow burning anger was taking over me as well.
Approaching the main outer gate, I shook the thoughts of self-pity from my mind. I needed to clear my mind and find some focus. I tried to remember what Derek and the other soldiers had taught us.
My heart raced, my mind was spinning frantically and I could focus on nothing. My legs shook as I climbed the scaffold and my hands trembled with fear. I prayed my voice would betray nothing.
I reached the top and grabbed Ashley. I gripped her face in my hands and forced her to kneel down so they wouldn’t see us. The other three teens followed suit.
I looked into her fearful eyes and my voice shook as I spoke to her. “Ashley…..”
Turning to focus my gaze on all four of them, I spoke with urgency. “All of you, get back inside the compound and head to the cottages. The others will meet you there. Take the hidden back gate, remember? And make sure everyone is gone!”
“Mom, I’m not leaving you here alone.” Ashley whispered urgently.
“These men look scary, I don’t trust them!” Her voice was a low hiss.
I said to her firmly. “You will do as I say. Do you understand?”
I held each one of them in the eyes. “This is no time for heroics. Just do as I say. GO.”
I waited for them to climb down the platform and watched as they retreated through the forest to the inner gates of the compound. I straightened myself up and viewed the group below. If fear was truly a gift, this was the lottery. My fear grew exponentially as I surveyed the five men below.
With a quick first glance, they appeared to be on foot. As I looked further down the road, I noticed they had a vehicle. It was a large military Hummer but unlike Derek’s group when we made first contact, not one face below looked like it might be friendly.
“Open up!” One of them called up to me and raised his fist to bang ineffectively on the wall’s exterior.
The man who called up to me motioned to another man and spoke quietly to him. The second man laughed and jogged over to the Hummer. He pulled out a large drab colored box with clearly stenciled words on the side. Explosives.
“We’re coming in whether you let us in willingly or whether we come in by force. It will be easier for everyone if you just open the fucking gate. I’m quite sure we could patch this gate up again I’d rather not have to do that. I will say it again. Open. The. Fucking. Gate.”
I knew right away that we wouldn’t be able to fight them. They were heavily armed and obviously experienced. They appeared to be military but I was certain they were not. They’d waited for Derek and his group to leave before they made their approach. With Derek and his group being far out of radio range and having a three day start, they’d never make it back in time. We were alone and there was no one to help. I couldn’t risk the lives of my family, the other children and the lives of my friends. I’d have to figure this out on my own somehow. Even if I had to sacrifice myself in the process.
Temporarily defeated, I climbed slowly down the platform.
I heard the engine of their vehicle start as I entered the passcode into the keypad. My hand trembled slightly and I took a few deep breaths to calm my nerves. The door unlocked and I stepped back as someone on the other side slid the door open, allowing the Hummer access to the compound. The man who had demanded entry stood before me and I took another step back.
His blue eyes were harsh and cold as they looked me over. A lewd grin spread across his face, betraying his motives. My intuitive senses were heightened by my fear. I knew exactly what I would face and I hoped beyond words that the others were safe on the other side of the wall.
All I could think of was Ashley and Sarah. I prayed they were safely out of the compound. I hoped that Jason and the others were already formulating a plan.
The gate closed and locked automatically. The vehicle came to an abrupt stop. The other four men piled out of the Hummer. They joined the man in front of me, who seemed to be their leader.
At last I found my voice and spoke without a tremor. “What do you want?”
The blue eyed man spoke. “We want this.”
He spread his arms out and turned in a circle. “Wow. What a place you’ve got here and you’re keeping it all to yourself? People are dying out there.”
“You were watching us at the storage place. Why didn’t you just stay there? That would have been a good spot. It’s secure, plenty of supplies. Solar power. Why would come all this way when you could have just taken that?”
“There’s no pretty girls.” One of them answered.
“Fuck you.” I answered and automatically turned to run but the blue eyed man was too quick.
He grabbed my arm and twisted it painfully behind my back. “Where’d the two girls go? The younger ones that were at the gate.”
“None of your fucking business.” I said venomously and in that moment everything I’d learned in self-defense escaped my memory.
I could do nothing more than squirm vainly against his powerful grip.
He pulled me against him, his other hand came around to grip my chin in a firm and painful grasp. “What do you think boys? Think she’ll do? Her army friends are long gone now and we’ll find the other ones that were here.”
“Yeah boss.” The driver of the Hummer spoke. “Just make sure you save some for us.”
The blue eyed man, the ‘boss’, released me suddenly and pushed me with such force that I fell to the ground ingloriously. I stood back up right away, brushing the snow off and tried hopelessly to maintain my composure. The last thing they needed to know was exactly how frightened I truly was.
“Show us around! Give us the tour. Looks like you’ve got a great set up here. High walls, wind mills, solar panels. You folks must have known the shit was coming. Must have been your army friend.”
The blue eyed man stood closely behind me when he said
this. His fetid breath was hot on my ear and I began to shiver uncontrollably. I wrenched my head away in disgust and he chuckled maliciously. I felt the muzzle of his weapon in my back as he pushed me forward and walked slowly back to the compound, ignoring their comments.
I noticed they’d left their vehicle in the long winding drive, knowing it was full of weapons and ammunition, along with other valuable supplies. The others had the passcode to get into the compound from both the main gate and the concealed exits. If they came in through the main gate, they would be able to access these men’s supplies and we stood a small chance to survive this.
Entering the main compound, I looked around to make sure everyone was gone. The entire farmstead was still and quiet. I hoped Ashley, Sarah and the two boys weren’t around. I didn’t see them anywhere and gave a silent prayer of thanks.
“In there.” He pointed to Amy’s smaller home.
He beckoned to the others and motioned for me to lead the way. “Oh yeah, a very nice place indeed.”
I grudgingly climbed the steps to the house and gingerly opened the squeaky door. Again, we were met by silence. Relief immediately flooded through me, knowing that the children were safe in the secondary compound behind us. I had faith in Jason’s military expertise, certainly he and the others would find a way to end this.
Stepping inside the house, he took note of the various toys strewn about. “Kids? Where are they?”
The ‘boss’ turned around to survey the interior.
“I don’t know.” I answered calmly.
He spun around suddenly and back handed me across the face. I fell to the floor, my ears ringing and my face burning from the force of his strike. I shook my head and spots of blood landed on the floor. Feeling inside my mouth with my tongue, I made sure all my teeth were still there. There was a cut on the inside of my cheek and my mouth again filled with the salty taste of my own blood.