by Katie Ginger
‘Sorry I’m late, I was just getting Selena settled. Have you brought your camera? We’ll need some shots for the newspaper.’
‘Yes, I’ve taken a few already, I just had to get some air. It’s a bit tense in here.’ Sid smiled and Lottie felt her nerves subside a little. He was always able to make her feel better, just by being there. ‘Where’ve you been? You were supposed to get some quotes from the players and the audience before the performance.’
Mrs Andrews’ voice carried over the hum. ‘At least I can act without drinking my body weight in gin first.’
‘That’s what you think, dear,’ countered Cecil and Debbie muttered something unintelligible in her thick Scottish accent.
Sid raised his eyebrows at Lottie. ‘I’m really sorry. Selena got a bit upset about something and I had to sort it out. I’ll get them now.’
Lottie wondered what it could have been but didn’t dare ask. ‘There isn’t time now. We’ll have to do something else. Oh, Sid, I think I’m going to be sick.’
‘Nah, it’ll be alright, Lots. Don’t worry.’ He put his hand on her shoulder and gave a squeeze.
‘Curtains up,’ shouted Conner from the doorway.
Immediately the chatter stopped. No one moved.
‘Come on,’ shouted Conner. ‘Get going.’
The players leapt into action, making final adjustments to costumes, grabbing props and checking scripts one last time. Lottie could see the terror in their eyes. Sid turned to leave then rushed back and gave her a huge hug. ‘Don’t worry, Lots. It’ll be fine.’
Something stirred inside her – an emotion she couldn’t name, something she’d never felt before – and she wanted his strong arms around her one more time. Then the nerves in her stomach flared up and she felt sick again.
The actors left, to the sound of applause and Lottie followed. Her eyes found Sid in the crowd, sitting at the back with Selena snuggled into him. Lottie made herself comfortable on the grass between the marquee and the bandstand, and the play began.
The man playing Leonato came on with Mrs Andrews and Sarah. ‘I learn in this letter that Don Peter of Arragon comes this night to Messina.’ He delivered the line well but had forgotten the letter and held nothing in his hand. When he realised he went bright red and added, ‘But I left it at home.’ A chill ran over Lottie as the crowd guffawed and snickered and through the next three hours Lottie’s head sank further and further into her hands.
It was awful. Worse than awful. It was embarrassing.
About halfway through Sarah completely forgot her lines and stared at the crowd wide eyed and pale before attempting to make something up. She was supposed to say, ‘It were a better death than die with mocks, Which is as bad as die with tickling,’ but instead said, ‘I’d rather die than be tickled to death,’ which left everyone very confused.
Mrs Andrews couldn’t keep her hands to herself and was flailing around like she did at her audition, so much so that in one scene she turned with her arms outstretched whacking Cecil in the face so hard he nearly fell over. Lottie was sure he said ‘Fuck,’ but thankfully it was muffled by his hands clasping his cheek.
Gregory made up for everyone else’s lack of acting skills by over-acting everything and rather than saying his lines he bellowed them, pointing and motioning with such sharp, jerky movements he looked like he had some sort of medical condition.
No one stood where they were supposed to, and if they were smart enough to realise their mistake, they moved in the most obvious, wooden way to where they should be. It was like watching children recite Shakespeare.
Even the scenery caused problems. One of the plaster columns they had put out kept tipping over so that someone had to lean on it whenever they were on stage and eventually Lee just picked it up and took it away with him.
The crowd hated it too. Most left halfway through, some as early as twenty minutes in. Those that managed to make it to the end gave a slow, unhappy applause as the cast took their final bows.
It was a disaster. An unmitigated, total disaster. Lottie wondered if they had any money for acting lessons, but all the money in the world wouldn’t whip this lot into shape.
Lottie had managed to catch Sid’s eye once or twice through the evening, at the most embarrassing moments. There had been a glimmer of sympathy in his eyes, but she was sure Selena had been smirking.
Darkness descended on the green as the players took off their make-up, brushed out their hair and changed back into normal clothes. Lottie stared at the marquee. She had to go in and say something, but what? What could she say to make this better? She had no idea but took a deep breath, rolled her shoulders back and walked in.
Sarah was crying on Lee’s shoulder. Conner tapped on his phone, an anguished expression on his face, and even Mrs Andrews sat quietly bereft. Gregory and Cecil held hands.
‘Well done, everyone,’ said Lottie, with fake cheer.
‘Are you kidding?’ said Gregory, his face pale and ashen. ‘Well done? It was a disaster, darling.’
‘Shh, now,’ said Cecil, stroking his hand. A bruise was forming on his cheek.
The others nodded in agreement.
‘It wasn’t that bad,’ lied Lottie. ‘Okay, it wasn’t perfect, but we should still be proud of what we’ve achieved. We need some more practice but a lot of people stayed to the end.’
‘And a lot of people left halfway through,’ said Sarah, wiping her eyes. ‘Someone gave me the finger as they went.’
‘Tomorrow will be better, I promise,’ said Lottie. ‘We’ve learnt so much tonight.’
‘Oh God, we’ve got one more to go,’ sobbed Sarah, her body shaking. Lee held her closely stroking her hair.
‘It was horrible, lassie,’ said Debbie, throwing her hairbrush onto the table. ‘We’ve made ourselves a laughing stock. Can’t we just cancel tomorrow?’
‘I can’t do it,’ said Mrs Andrews standing up, her face a frozen mask and her demeanour exactly like a politician’s wife. ‘Do you have any idea how embarrassed I am?’ She grabbed her things and stormed out followed by the rest of the cast. No one said goodnight. Only Conner was left behind.
‘Did you want some help tidying up?’ he asked from under his fringe. His shoulders were hunched and he shoved his hands into his pockets.
‘Don’t you want to get out of here too?’
‘I don’t mind helping.’ He started hanging up the costumes that had been thrown on the floor. ‘If I go back now everyone will take the piss. I’ll wait till most of them are asleep.’
Lottie wanted to hug him. She felt embarrassed for all of them and picked up a box, tidying the make-up and costumes away. It couldn’t be left here overnight – knowing her luck someone would steal it. In hindsight, she should have stuck to her guns that it was too soon.
‘I’m sorry,’ said Conner, puncturing the silence.
Lottie looked up confused. ‘Sorry? You don’t have anything to be sorry for.’
‘I do. I should have been more professional. I should have told them what to do and not let them boss me around or make suggestions all the time.’ He pulled his fringe down over his face. ‘I’m sorry I let you down.’
‘Conner,’ said Lottie, moving towards him. ‘You have nothing to apologise for. I’m sorry I wasn’t more supportive and encouraging. I’m sorry if your friends will tease you about this.’
‘Don’t matter. I won’t have many left now.’
Lottie’s hand flew to her chest. ‘Oh, Conner, I’m so sorry. You can blame it all on me. Tell them you didn’t get enough support from me. And you never know, we might be better tomorrow?’
He placed another costume on the rail. ‘Maybe.’
The door to the marquee opened and Sid walked in. ‘Do you want some help?’
Tears stung Lottie’s eyes and threatened to roll down her cheeks as she resisted the urge to run to him for a hug. ‘Yes, please. Where’s Selena?’
‘She’s gone home.’
Lottie turned to Conne
r. ‘Conner, I’m the one who should be sorry and I’m here if you ever need to talk but it’s late. You should go home and get some sleep.’
Conner did as he was told and grabbed his jacket and left.
Sid edged in nervously. ‘Lots, I need to talk to you about the review for the paper.’
‘Oh, yes. That,’ said Lottie. How could they spin this into something positive? If anyone could, Sid could. He had a way with words and his sense of humour jumped off the page like he was there talking to you. Surely he could make it right, or at least soften the blow.
‘I … umm …’ He reached a long arm up and scratched the back of his head. ‘I—I think we need to just be honest about what a disaster tonight was.’
Lottie dropped the box she was holding and stared at him. ‘What?’
‘We can play it like, “Wow, we know how bad we were, but this is just the beginning and we’ll get better.”’
She scowled. His voice was so calm, like he didn’t see how serious this was. Now was not the time to be laidback.
‘You know, kind of, stay with us for the journey type stuff?’ he continued.
‘No,’ said Lottie, shaking her head. ‘No. People will think we’re a bunch of losers who can’t do anything right, and then they’ll never come back.’
‘But, Lottie, I don’t see how we can spin it any other way.’
Lottie’s voice hardened. ‘Can’t you say it wasn’t that bad? Play up all the people who were good and—’
‘And what, Lottie?’ Sid’s voice suddenly matched her own. ‘And didn’t forget their lines, or stand in front of each other, or forget which way they were supposed to be looking, or dropped the prop, or hit someone in the face, or—’
‘We might be better tomorrow.’ She knew it sounded pathetic but every comment was like a knife being pushed into her skin. Lottie found her sadness turning to anger. ‘Can’t you just not mention any of that and only put in the nice things people said, or the bits they actually enjoyed?’
‘There aren’t any bits like that, Lottie,’ he said sternly.
‘There are.’ Lottie hadn’t meant for her voice to be that loud but she had to push it up over the lump in her throat. ‘There have to be.’
‘I don’t see any other way to—’
‘To humiliate us?’
‘You’re humiliated already.’ He said it so matter-of-factly and without feeling that Lottie felt like she’d been slapped.
How could he say that? This wasn’t the Sid she knew, he wouldn’t be so harsh. He sounded more like Selena. Why was he being so hurtful? It was only since Selena turned up, all swishing hair and painted toenails that he’d changed. She crossed her arms over her chest. ‘How can you say that to me?’
‘I’m not trying to embarrass you.’
‘Aren’t you?’ she shouted.
‘No, Lottie.’ Sid’s voice rose to match her own. ‘And if that’s what you think I’d do then you’re not the person I thought you were.’
‘And you’re not the person I thought you were.’ Lottie’s breath came in short gulps as if her lungs were in spasm.
‘What does that mean?’ A redness came into Sid’s cheeks and his jaw clenched.
All the nerves, the adrenalin, and months of sadness and loss erupted in a burst of anger. An uncontrollable ball of rage that exploded into life. ‘You’ve not been the same since you met that girlfriend of yours.’
Sid pulled back. ‘What do you mean?’
Lottie didn’t really know how to describe it. She had nothing tangible. Every nasty comment was wrapped up in a bow or said when Sid wasn’t around. ‘Sometimes she says really … bitchy things and you don’t even notice.’
Sid rolled his eyes. Lottie knew he’d heard her say that before about other people but he had to believe her this time. His voice was resigned as he said, ‘No she doesn’t, Lottie. That’s just you being defensive.’
‘It is not.’
She could see a nerve pulse in his neck. ‘What has she said then? And when?’
‘When I first met her at the theatre and said you didn’t like salad. She just looked at me like … like—’
‘Like what?’
‘Like …’ Lottie searched for the words. ‘Oh, I don’t know. I can’t explain it. Like she knew you better than me.’
Sid stared, unspeaking, the lines of his forehead deeply etched in confusion. ‘Lottie, what are you talking about? That makes no sense at all. Selena likes you. She’s always paying you compliments, isn’t she?’
‘Not real ones.’
‘For God’s sake, Lottie—’
She stepped forwards, remembering a better example. ‘And at the dress rehearsal she said, “Oh, you haven’t got much time, have you?”’
He threw his hands in the air. ‘But you didn’t.’
‘But it was the way she said it.’
‘Which was?’
She thought of Jeremy’s words to describe Selena the night he’d told Lottie he was falling in love with her. ‘Snarky.’
‘Snarky? That’s not even a thing.’ Sid put his hands on his hips, his features softening a little. ‘I really think you’ve got the wrong end of the stick, Lottie. I know you get defensive, and it’s fine. It’s part of who you are and I don’t care but just because you’re grieving you see the worst in everyone and—’
‘Rubbish.’ He wasn’t going to put this all on her. ‘It’s not just me,’ she said angrily. ‘Jeremy’s noticed it too.’
‘Oh, has he now?’ Sid replied, snidely.
‘Yes, he has. He says she’s passive aggressive.’
‘Well, Jeremy can mind his own bloody business. And anyway, she really isn’t, Lottie. I wish you could understand.’
Lottie felt the heat rise on the back of her neck. Why was he taking her side? She wanted to say about the flirting with Jeremy but the thought that he wouldn’t believe her destroyed her and closed her mouth for her. Besides, if she’d misread Selena’s actions, Sid would hate her forever. She blinked, hoping to stave off tears. ‘I’m not lying, Sid.’
‘Well, what about you and Mr Suave?’ Sid pointed his finger at her accusingly.
‘Jeremy?’
‘Yes, Jeremy. You used to be fun, Lottie, and now you do nothing but moon over him when he’s not here or work on the theatre.’
Lottie’s nose stung as tears formed again, misting her vision. ‘I’m only doing what Nan wanted. And anyway, you wanted me to work on the theatre too. You said it’d be fun and just what I need. Or have you changed your mind now?’
They’d never rowed like this before. And he was defending Selena instead of siding with her. Everything had changed and Lottie could see Sid was lost to her now. Utterly and completely lost. She sighed, wiping back the tears from her eyes. She hadn’t felt like this since the day her nan had died. The day the doctor had rung and told her to get there soon. Her heart had filled with sadness and despair and that feeling was engulfing her again. Mixed with the physical and emotional exhaustion she now felt, it threatened to overpower her.
A vibration from Lottie’s pocket attracted her attention. She pulled out her phone and saw it was Jeremy. She glared at Sid. His jaw was clenched and his eyes were cold but she had to try one last time, for the players, for Conner. ‘Will you please change your mind about the article? There must be a way to make it seem good. Don’t make us a laughing stock.’
Sid lowered his gaze. ‘I’m sorry, Lottie. I can’t just lie.’
She bit her lip as tears formed again. She’d always thought his stubbornness a great quality, until now. ‘Write what you want, then, Sid. It’s all over now anyway.’
‘What’s all over?’
‘Everything,’ she shouted, unable to stop the outpouring of emotion. ‘Our friendship for one and my place on the committee for another.’
Lottie stared at him and they locked eyes, hers, angry and unwavering, his, stunned. She hoped for a flicker of regret, but there was nothing she could read anymore. Lottie brea
thed hard, trying to control herself, but it was no use, she’d unleashed her anger and it wouldn’t stop.
‘Do you think I’ll be kept on the committee now? I told you we weren’t ready for this, but you kept on saying it would be fine. Well, it’s not fine is it? It’s a bloody disaster.’
‘Oh, so it’s all my fault now?’
Her phone was still vibrating. Thank God she had put it on silent. The last thing she needed was ‘Jumping Jack Flash’ as a soundtrack to this … whatever it was.
‘So you blame me for all this?’ said Sid, motioning around him.
Another wave of rage built inside her. Her stomach muscles tightened trying to push it down and control it, but it was no use. Her lungs fell into spasm causing her breathing to falter and she gasped. ‘It’s not all your fault, but some of it is. I’ll be kicked off the committee now. I won’t get to do what Nan wanted.’ Her voice cracked. ‘All because we weren’t ready for this and because you won’t help me now, when I need it most.’
He stepped forwards and reached out for her but she backed away. ‘People came to the show, Lottie. They saw it with their own eyes. I can’t pretend it was great.’
‘But you don’t have to say it was shit either.’
He gave an incredulous shrug. ‘What else can I say? We’ll lose all integrity if we lie.’
‘Integrity?’ Lottie spat. ‘What about my integrity? What about Conner’s and Sarah’s and Gregory’s and Cecil’s? Since your parents died all you’ve ever wanted was an easy life and now you’re talking about journalistic integrity? We work on a boring local paper writing stories about opera-singing parrots. You haven’t got any journalistic integrity.’
Sid’s expression changed instantly and the words stopped gushing from her mouth. She’d gone too far. She’d been callous and cold and knew that she’d hurt him. He turned his gaze away, his eyes full of pain, and Lottie felt ashamed. Her heart split open and she felt every inch of the crack that appeared before it finally snapped and fell apart, shattering into tiny pieces.