“Don’t make me hurt you, Liv,” he said as he pulled back from her. “It isn’t your body I want to hurt, just your heart.” His eyes were dark, not from hunger, but from rage. “Are you even going to try to explain?”
“I never meant to hurt you. I wanted to protect you. We promised.”
He backed away from her. “Protect me? Is that what you said? You wanted to protect me? From what? Peace? Sanity? Do you have any idea how these last few weeks have been for me?”
He stood up and walked toward the window. “Every day I called. Every. Single. Fucking. Day. I’d ask how you were. And every single day, Paige lied to me.”
“It wasn’t her fault. I made her do it, to protect you.”
“Look at me. Can you see me? I’m not a man who has been protected. I’m a man who has had his insides chewed up every day for the last two months. My body has been racked with pain. Every single fucking day.” His eyes welled with tears. “I would’ve crawled into that body, taken the coma on myself and set you free. I didn’t care about me, only you.”
Her leg moved, a reflex, and it startled her. It had been so long since she felt anything below her waist. She gasped.
“What?” Ben asked.
“My leg moved.”
Since Ben hadn’t known she’d come out of the coma, he also hadn’t known she was paralyzed. He didn’t know that she had surgery, and that they’d been waiting to see whether it was successful.
The nurse came in then to check her vitals. “Any sensation yet?”
Liv looked at Ben, then at the nurse. “My legs.”
The nurse’s eyes opened wide, and she pulled the sheet back. She started tapping different areas. “Can you feel this? What about this?” Liv kept nodding. She felt it all.
“Oh Liv, this is wonderful! Let me call the doctor. I’ll be right back.”
Ben watched the scene play out in front of him. He didn’t know what it meant, but he started to put it together. He didn’t speak. He stood and stared at her.
She looked uncomfortable, yet elated.
The nurse came back. “I paged him and he’s on his way. Oh, honey, I am so happy for you. This soon after the surgery.” She turned to Ben. “It’s wonderful news, isn’t it?”
Ben nodded his head.
The nurse continued to check Liv’s extremities, making notes.
“It’s been a long, hard road for our girl here, but what a miracle. Liv, by tomorrow, you may be walking. Short distances and with a walker, but walking.”
The doctor came in before the nurse finished. He appeared as excited by Liv’s ability to move her legs as the nurse had been.
“We’ll take it slow. Don’t get any ideas about getting up for a drink of water in the middle of the night. Tomorrow morning we’ll see if we can get you on your feet. Do not, I repeat, do not try to do it tonight.”
The doctor turned to Ben. “No one more stubborn than our girl here. Don’t let her try to get out of bed.”
Liv smiled, but hadn’t said anything since the nurse asked her if she had any sensation. Not a single word.
The doctor leaned down and kissed the top of Liv’s head, then stood back. “I’ve become fond of many of my patients through the years, Olivia, but I can tell you, few have come to mean as much to me as you do. If there was anyone I would’ve wished this for, it’s you.”
The doctor said goodnight and left, and the nurse said she’d be back in a while to check on her again, but to ring if she needed anything. She asked Liv if she wanted something to eat, but she only shook her head.
“What will you do?” Liv asked Ben once they left.
“Tell the truth.”
“Well,” she said, as if she expected him to leave.
“Scoot over,” he said, kicking off his shoes. He laid down next to her, and put his arm around her waist. “You have a lot to tell me. Start at the beginning. Tell me about the accident.”
“Ben, we can’t do this.”
“We can, and we’re gonna. You kept me away for weeks. I’m not going anywhere tonight.” He saw Liv was struggling to keep her eyes open. “We can talk tomorrow. Sleep. I’ll still be here when you wake up.”
Liv’s eyes closed, and within seconds, her breathing evened out.
There was a war of emotions taking place in Ben’s head. Anger, hurt, confusion, and love waged a battle in his heart.
Why had Liv done this? None of it made sense to him. Why would she let him go on believing she was in a coma? If it was because she thought he’d leave the tour, she would’ve been partially right. He would’ve come to see her. But knowing she was awake would’ve fueled his desire to make music. He would’ve rejoiced.
It was clear that up until tonight, Liv hadn’t had feeling in her legs. Which meant she was paralyzed, and she tried to protect him from it. It was like a bad remake of a movie that had been done ten times too many.
Ben wondered if he’d ever get through to her. She mattered. Not what she did or achieved. Just her. She was enough.
That was the point, though, wasn’t it? He’d never get through to her. In the last year, he’d begged her to let him be a part of her life, but she held him at arm’s length.
Was it that simple? Liv meant more to him than he did to her. Even ten minutes ago she said it again. “Ben, we can’t do this.”
He wanted to touch her for just a little while longer. Maybe his arms would memorize how it felt to have her wrapped in them. His chest would remember how it felt to have her head resting softly on it. Maybe his heart would remember how to rejoice in the fact that she walked this earth, rather than mourn that he couldn’t watch her as she did.
Hard as it was, he had to force himself to do it. He eased her head down on the pillow, got up, and walked out of Liv’s life.
21
The fallout with CB Rice’s fans had been less than anyone initially expected. Since they had a full week of shows still booked, Ben did what he did best. He came out at the start of every show and told the truth.
He told people he never meant to deceive anyone, and until the story broke in the press, he believed Liv was still in a coma. He told them about her paralysis, and that Liv was so strong, so independent, so brave, that she wanted to protect him from it. He went on to say she’d had a successful surgery, and everyone believed she’d be walking and back to her old self in no time.
Each night the crowd roared when he said it. He didn’t tell them that he and Liv were no longer together, but then, they never really had been, anyway.
For the first time in over three months, Liv was home. She hated not having her independence, and while her recovery went faster than anyone anticipated, not being back in her routine made her wretched to be around. She’d be the first to admit it.
Renie took it in stride. She wouldn’t go back to school until January, and in the meantime, she’d be home with her mom, helping with her continued recovery.
“Would you like to ride today?” Renie asked.
“No, it’s too soon,” she murmured. “I’ll walk to the barn, that’ll be enough for today.”
Liv wasn’t sure she’d have the courage to walk into the barn when they pulled into the driveway. She needed to see Micah, as much as the thought of it terrified her. She missed her boy, but worried how he might react to her.
She didn’t see Micah when she walked in, but by the time she got to the stall, his nose peeked out. She stood and let him nuzzle her. His hind leg bent, and his breathing evened out. He almost purred.
Liv stood and loved him until one of her legs gave out. She grabbed the top of the stall’s half door, and Renie ran over to her, with a stool for her to sit on.
Renie tried to hide her tears, but Liv saw them. “Will you be okay for a few minutes, Mom?”
“Sure, honey, go ahead. I’ll catch up with my boy.”
Liv managed to hold in her sobs until she heard the back door of the house close.
“Oh Micah, what have I done?” she sobbed.
&n
bsp; When she woke up in the hospital and Ben was gone, she thought maybe she dreamt everything from the night before. She moved one of her legs to be sure that part wasn’t a dream. It hadn’t been.
The nurse came in with breakfast, and told her she’d be going to rehab in two hours. And then she was gone, leaving Liv alone. The ache of what that meant spread through her chest.
He didn’t stay, even though he said he would, and Liv had to face the fact that he wouldn’t be coming back.
She spent the following two weeks trying to get her legs to work properly, and doing her best to kick everyone close to her out of her life. Even Paige reached the point where she’d had enough.
“I’ll be your friend until the day I die, and I love you, but I won’t be your punching bag. You know where to find me when you want to,” she said before she stormed out.
Mark still came to visit every day. He didn’t talk much, he rarely even said hello. He arrived when she began rehab, and left when she finished. In between, he helped.
Renie also came every day, in the afternoon. They spent so many afternoons in silence, that Renie started bringing a book with her. Liv would stare out the window, lost in thoughts she had no desire to discuss.
“Depression is normal,” Liv heard the doctor tell Renie. “Her body has been through a significant series of traumas. She needs to heal. She’ll come around. I’ve offered to prescribe something for it, but your mother refuses it.”
Billy came with Renie as often as he could. He was in the top five nationally for saddle broncs, and slated to go to the finals in December. He’d tell her about the barrel racing standings, and who was winning in each region.
At first it bothered her, but then she realized Billy talked to her as though she was on the injured list, not the retired list.
“I’ll help you. Anything you need. I’ll be there for you, Livvie. Soon as you’re ready, we can get back out on the road together.”
“I appreciate that, Billy. We’ll see, okay?”
Thanksgiving morning, eight days after she came home, Liv decided it was time to ride. Renie suggested her mom ride Pooh, but Liv was determined to ride Micah. Her leg muscles were stronger than they’d ever been. She’d never exercised before, she’d rode and worked. Now she had a strength-building regimen she followed every day.
The day dawned a perfect, bluebird Colorado morning. Pooh wouldn’t be able to keep up with Micah, so Renie rode one of the boarded horses.
“Where do you want to ride today, Mom?”
“I’m gonna let Micah run.”
“To the meadow?”
Liv nodded.
“You’re sure?”
“Never more sure.”
As soon as they came over the hill, the prairie stretched out in front of them, and Micah took off like a rocket. Liv hadn’t felt this alive in months. There was no hesitation between her and her horse. It was as though they rode this way every day.
Ben walked out on the back porch with a cup of coffee in hand. In an hour, he’d leave to pick up the boys and bring them back for Thanksgiving dinner with his family.
He looked out at the valley and up at Mount Crested Butte. The sky was blue, the sun was shining, and he was spending the day with family. He should be happy, but nothing could have been further from how he felt.
He went to The Goat the night before, wanting a distraction, and he found one. Pretty little thing, and sweet. Her name was Melinda, or Melissa…or Melanie. He couldn’t remember, so he called her Mel. She danced up a storm, like a firecracker. He had fun with her, the most fun he’d had in a long time.
“Let’s get out of here,” she said, pulling him by the hand. He grabbed his coat off the rack and followed her to the parking lot. When they got around the corner, she was on him so fast, Ben didn’t see it coming.
He picked her up and held her against him, and she wrapped her legs around his waist.
“Wait,” he said, unwrapping her body from his and setting her back on the ground.
“What?” she answered, breathless. “What’s wrong?”
“As much as I want to get close to you tonight, pretty girl, I can’t do this.” He was about to say it was him, not her, and he decided against it. Better to just walk away.
“Come here, girl, and give me a big ol’ hug,” said Dottie when Liv walked in the back door.
“Hey, Dottie.”
“God, I missed seeing that color of pink in your cheeks. How are you feeling? Billy said he saw you and Renie out ridin’ a bit ago. He told me it was like watchin’ a beautiful wind blow.”
“I can’t describe it. If felt right.”
“You goin’ back out then?”
“Soon as I can. Not much left this year.”
“Nothing stoppin’ you from training. Get yourself down to Texas in January and get busy.”
“Am I crazy, Dottie? Do you think I should just give up?”
“I’ve told you before, there hasn’t been a day since I’ve known you that I haven’t been proud of you, Liv. Don’t make it today. You’re no quitter, but what do the doctors say?”
“That I’m fit to ride, or do whatever else I want to do. My injury is healed, and that part of my spine is in better shape than the rest of me.”
“Any pain?”
“Not much.”
“What does that mean?”
“My pain has nothing to do with my injury, Dottie.”
“You wanna talk about it?”
“Not today.”
Renie walked in with Billy behind her, carrying the rest of the pies. “Where are these supposed to go, Miss Dottie?” Renie asked.
“Down to the bunkhouse. We’ve got a crew with us this year. We’ll eat in the main dining hall down there.”
“Hey, Livvie, you comin’?” Billy asked.
“I’ll be right there.”
“You’re missin’ him, aren’t you?”
“More than anything.”
“Then do something about it, Olivia.”
“What, Dottie? I don’t know what to do.”
“Of course you do, sweetheart.”
Bill finished carving the last turkey when the door to the dining hall opened and Paige and Mark came in with their youngest daughter. Renie and Blythe hadn’t seen each other in months, and it had been weeks since Liv had seen Paige, who walked up and put her arms around Liv.
“I figured Thanksgiving was as good a day as any for us to make up.”
“There isn’t any making up to do.” Liv hugged her back. “I’m sorry, Paige. I hope you can forgive me.”
“I forgave you before I walked out that day. You needed space, but I kept tabs. If you needed me, Mark would have said so, and I would have come.”
“Mark is such a good man.”
“The best. No one else would’ve put up with you and me combined all these years.”
The dining hall soon filled with ranch hands and wranglers. “Gotta love cowboys,” Liv heard Renie say.
“Yep, you do,” said Billy. “How about you and Blythe sit with me today, Renie?”
“You’re not flirtin’ with my daughter are you, Billy Patterson?” Liv asked.
“Is this really the first time you noticed it?”
“What are you talking about, Paige?”
“Never mind.” Paige winked at Dottie. “Must be my imagination.”
“Whatcha’ doing, Dad?” Luke asked.
“Hey, buddy. Nothin’ much. What are you up to?”
“I been watchin’ you.”
“Oh, yeah? And what have you seen?”
“You’re sad.”
He hugged his son to him.
“It’s easy to see when someone is sad if you love ’em, Daddy.”
“How’d you get so smart, partner?”
“I don’t know, but if you’re sad, you should do somethin’ about it.” Luke looked at his feet. “That’s what you’d tell me.”
“What if I don’t know what to do about it?”
&n
bsp; “Come on, Daddy, you know what to do.”
“I do?”
“Sure. You gotta go see the girl.”
Thanksgiving dinner came to an end, and Paige and Mark went home. Renie and Blythe went into town to meet up with friends home for the holiday, and Liv sat out on the porch of the bunkhouse, looking at the stars, not ready to go home yet.
“Mind if I sit here with you for a minute?” Billy asked.
“Of course I don’t mind.” She scooted over, and he sat on the bench next to her.
“Did you have a nice Thanksgiving?” he asked.
“I did. How about you?”
“I did. I’m glad you and Renie were here with us this year. That’s why I’m most thankful.”
“You’re such a good friend to me, Billy, and to Renie, too. What would we have done without you these last few weeks?”
“Livvie, I’m tellin’ you, you ought to consider hookin’ up with a bronc rider. You might like it.”
If Billy Patterson wasn’t so much younger, there might have been a day she would’ve considered it. It made her think of Ben, and how she thought he was younger too. But he wasn’t.
“I want you and Renie to go to Las Vegas with me next week. My mom and dad are going too.”
“We’d love to go. Thanks for inviting us.”
There wasn’t a serious competitive cowgirl, or cowboy for that matter, worth her or his weight in salt who didn’t try to attend the finals every year.
Billy Patterson was ranked second in the world going into National Finals Rodeo, or NFR, the highest he’d ever gotten. Liv missed Jolene and Mary Beth, who would be there too.
“I booked us rooms at Bellagio, hope that’s okay.”
As long as they weren’t staying at Mandalay Bay, Liv didn’t care where they stayed.
The NFR consisted of ten rounds on ten consecutive days. Cowboys and barrel racers earned money by placing first through sixth in any round, and picked up more money by placing first through eighth in the average—cumulative times or points earned during the ten rounds.
Fall for Me (Cowboys of Crested Butte Book 1) Page 20