The Fiend's Delight

by Ambrose Bierce

  MUSINGS, PHILOSOPHICAL AND THEOLOGICAL.

  .... Seated in his den, in the chill gloom of a winter twilight,comforting his stomach with hoarded bits of cheese and broad biscuits,Mr. Grile thinketh unto himself after this fashion of thought:

  I. To eat biscuits and cheese before dining is to confess that you donot expect to dine.

  II. "Once bit, twice shy," is a homely saying, but singularly true. Aman who has been swindled will be very cautious the second time, andthe third. The fourth time he may be swindled again more easily andcompletely than before.

  III. A four-footed beast walks by lifting one foot at a time, but afour-horse team does not walk by lifting one horse at a time. And yetyou cannot readily explain why this is so.

  IV. If a jackass were to describe the Deity he would represent Himwith long ears and a tail. Man's ideal is the higher and truer one; hepictures Him as somewhat resembling a man.

  V. The bald head of a man is a very common spectacle. You have neverseen the bald head of a woman.

  VI. Baldheaded women are a very common spectacle.

  VII. Piety, like small-pox, comes by infection. Robinson Crusoe,however, caught it alone on his island. It is probable that he had it inhis blood.

  VIII. The doctrine of foreknowledge does not imply the truth offoreordination. Foreordination is a cause antedating an event.Foreknowledge is an effect, not of something that is going to occur,which would be absurd, but the effect of its being going to occur.

  IX. Those who cherish the opposite opinion may be very good citizens.

  X. Old shoes are easiest, because they have accommodated themselves tothe feet. Old friends are least intolerable because they have adaptedthemselves to the inferior parts of our character.

  XI. Between old friends and old shoes there are other points ofresemblance.

  XII. Everybody professes to know that it would be difficult to finda needle in a haystack, but very few reflect that this is becausehaystacks seldom contain needles.

  XIII. A man with but one leg is a better man than a man with two legs,for the reason that there is less of him.

  XIV. A man without any legs is better than a man with one leg; notbecause there is less of him, but because he cannot get about to enactso much wickedness.

  XV. When an ostrich is pursued he conceals his head in a bush; whena man is pursued he conceals his property. By instinct each knows hisenemy's design.

  XVI. There are two things that should be avoided; the deadly upas treeand soda water. The latter will make you puffy and poddy.

  XVII. This list of things to be avoided is necessarily incomplete.

  XVIII. In calling a man a hog, it is the man who gets angry, but itis the hog who is insulted. Men are always taking up the quarrels ofothers.

  XIX. Give an American a newspaper and a pie and he will make himselfcomfortable anywhere.

  XX. The world of mind will be divided upon the question of baptism solong as there are two simple and effective methods of baptising, andthey are equally disagreeable.

  XXI. They are not equally disagreeable, but each is disagreeable enoughto attract disciples.

  XXII. The face of a pig is a more handsome face than the face of aman--in the pig's opinion.

  XXIII. A pig's opinion upon this question is as likely to be correct asis a man's opinion.

  XXIV. It is better not to take a wife than to take one belonging to someother man: for if she has been a good wife to him, she has adapted hernature to his, and will therefore be unsuited to yours. If she has notbeen a good wife to him she will not be to you.

  XXV. The most gifted people are not always the most favoured: a man withtwelve legs can derive no benefit from ten of them without crawling likea centipede.

  XXVI. A woman and a cow are the two most beautiful creatures in theworld. For proof of the beauty of a cow, the reader is referred to anox; for proof of the beauty of a woman, an ox is referred to the reader.

  XXVII. There is reason to believe that a baby is less comely than acalf, for the reason that all kine esteem the calf the more comelybeast, and there is one man who does not esteem the baby the more comelybeast.

  XXVII. To judge of the wisdom of an act by its result is a very shallowplan. An action is wise or unwise the moment it is decided upon.

  XXIX. If the wisdom of an action may not be determined by the result, itis very difficult to determine it.

  XXX. It is impossible.

  XXXI. The moon always presents the same side to the earth because she isheaviest on that side. The opposite side, however, is more private andsecluded.

  XXXII. Camels and Christians receive their burdens kneeling.

  XXXIII. It was never intended that men should be saints in heaven untilthey are dead and good for nothing else. On earth they are mostly

  XXXIV. Fools.

  I, Grile, have arranged these primal truths in the order of theirimportance, in the hope that some patient investigator may amplify andcodify them into a coherent body of doctrine, and so establish a newreligion. I would do it myself were it not that a very corpulent andmost unexpected pudding is claiming my present attention.

  O, steaming enigma! O, savoury mountain of hidden mysteries! too longneglected for too long a sermon. Engaging problem, let me reveal thesecrets latent in thy breast, and unfold thine occult philosophy![Cutting into the pudding.] Ah! here, and here alone is--[Eating it].LAUGHORISMS.

  .... When a favourite dog has an incurable pain, you "put him out of hismisery" with a bullet or an axe. A favourite child similarly afflictedis preserved as long as possible, in torment. I do not say that this isnot right; I claim only that it is not consistent. There are two sortsof kindness; one for dogs, and another for children. A very dear friend,wallowing about in the red mud of a battle-field, once asked me for someof the dog sort. I suspect, if no one had been looking, he would havegot it.

  .... It is to be feared that to most men the sky is but a concavemirror, showing nothing behind, and in looking into which they see onlytheir own distorted images, like the reflection of a face in a spoon.Hence it needs not surprise that they are not very devout worshippers;it is a great wonder they do not openly scoff.

  .... The influence of climate upon civilization has been moreexhaustively treated than studied. Otherwise, we should know how it isthat some countries that have so much climate have no civilization.

  .... Whoso shall insist upon holding your attention while he expoundsto you things that you have always thriven without knowing resemblesone who should go about with a hammer, cracking nuts upon other people'sheads and eating the kernels himself.

  .... There are but two kinds of temporary insanity, and each has buta single symptom. The one was discovered by a coroner, the other bya lawyer. The one induces you to kill yourself when you are unwellof life; the other persuades you to kill somebody else when you arefatigued of seeing him about.

  .... People who honour their fathers and their mothers have thecomforting promise that their days shall be long in the land. They arenot sufficiently numerous to make the life assurance companies think itworth their while to offer them special rates.

  .... There are people who dislike to die, for apparently no betterreason than that there are a few vices they have not had the time totry; but it must be confessed that the fewer there are of these untastedsweets, the more loth are they to leave them.

  .... Men ought to sin less in petty details, and more in the lump; thatthey might the more conveniently be brought to repentance when they areready. They should imitate the touching solicitude of the lady forthe burglar, whom she spares much trouble by keeping her jewels welltogether in a box.

  .... I once knew a man who made me a map of the opposite hemisphere ofthe moon. He was crazy. I knew another who taught me what country layupon the other side of the grave. He was a most acute thinker--as he hadneed to be.

  .... Those who are horrified at Mr. Darwin's theory, may comfortthemselves with the assurance that, if we are descended from the ape, wehave not descend
ed so far as to preclude all hope of return.

  .... There is more poison in aphorisms than in painted candy; but it isof a less seductive kind.

  .... If it were as easy to invent a credible falsehood as it is tobelieve one, we should have little else in print. The mechanicalconstruction of a falsehood is a matter of the gravest import.

  .... There is just as much true pleasure in walloping one's own wife asin the sinful enjoyment of another man's right. Heaven gives to eachman a wife, and intends that he shall cleave to her alone. To cleave iseither to "split" or to "stick." To cleave to your wife is to split herwith a stick.

  .... A strong mind is more easily impressed than a weak one: youshall not as readily convince a fool that you are a philosopher, as aphilosopher that you are a fool.

  .... In our intercourse with men, their national peculiarities andcustoms are entitled to consideration. In addressing the commonFrenchman take off your hat; in addressing the common Irishman make himtake off his.

  .... It is nearly always untrue to say of a man that he wishes to leavea great property behind him when he dies. Usually he would like to takeit along.

  .... Benevolence is as purely selfish as greed. No one would do abenevolent action if he knew it would entail remorse.

  .... If cleanliness is next to godliness, it is a matter of unceasingwonder that, having gone to the extreme limit of the former, so manypeople manage to stop short exactly at the line of demarcation.

  .... Most people have no more definite idea of liberty than that itconsists in being compelled by law to do as they like.

  .... Every man is at heart a brute, and the greatest injury you can putupon any one is to provoke him into displaying his nature. No gentlemanever forgives the man who makes him let out his beast.

  .... The Psalmist never saw the seed of the righteous begging bread. Inour day they sometimes request pennies for keeping the street-crossingsin order.

  .... When two wholly irreconcilable propositions are presented tothe mind, the safest way is to thank Heaven that we are not like theunreasoning brutes, and believe both.

  .... If every malefactor in the church were known by his face it wouldbe necessary to prohibit the secular tongue from crying "stop thief."Otherwise the church bells could not be heard of a pleasant Sunday.

  .... Truth is more deceptive than falsehood, because it is commonlyemployed by those from whom we do not expect it, and so passes for whatit is not.

  .... "If people only knew how foolish it is" to take their wine with adash of prussic acid, it is probable that they would--prefer to take itwith that addition.

  .... "A man's honour," says a philosopher, "is the best protectionhe can have." Then most men might find a heartless oppressor in thepredatory oyster.

  .... The canary gets his name from the dog, an animal whom he looks downupon. We get a good many worse things than names from those beneath us;and they give us a bad name too.

  .... Faith is the best evidence in the world; it reconcilescontradictions and proves impossibilities. It is wonderfully developedin the blind.

  .... He who undertakes an "Account of Idiots in All Ages" will findhimself committed to the task of compiling most known biographies. Somefuture publisher will affix a life of the compiler.

  .... Gratitude is regarded as a precious virtue, because tendered as afair equivalent for any conceivable service.

  .... A bad marriage is like an electric machine: it makes you dance, butyou can't let go.

  .... The symbol of Charity should be a circle. It usually ends exactlywhere it begins--at home.

  .... Most people redeem a promise as an angler takes in a trout; byfirst playing it with a good deal of line.

  .... It is a grave mistake to suppose defaulters have no consciences.Some of them have been known, under favourable circumstances, to restoreas much as ten per cent. of their plunder.

  .... There is nothing so progressive as grief, and nothing so infectiousas progress. I have seen an acre of cemetery infected by a singleinnovation in spelling cut upon a tombstone.

  .... It is wicked to cheat on Sunday. The law recognises this truth, andshuts up the shops.

  .... In the infancy of our language to be "foolish" signified to beaffectionate; to be "fond" was to be silly. We have altered that now:to be "foolish" is to be silly, to be "fond" is to be affectionate. Butthat the change could ever have been made is significant.

  .... If you meet a man on the narrow crossing of a muddy street, standquite still. He will turn out and go round you, bowing his apologies. Itis courtesy to accept them.

  .... If every hypocrite in the United States were to break his leg atnoon to-day, the country might be successfully invaded at one o'clock bythe warlike hypocrites of Canada.

  .... To Dogmatism the Spirit of Inquiry is the same as the Spirit ofEvil; and to pictures of the latter it has appended a tail, to representthe note of interrogation.

  .... We speak of the affections as originating in instinct. This is amiserable subterfuge to shift the obloquy from the judgment.

  .... What we call decency is custom; what we term indecency is merelycustomary.

  .... The noblest pursuit of Man is the pursuit of Woman.

  .... "Immoral" is the solemn judgment of the stalled ox upon thesun-inspired lamb. "ITEMS" FROM THE PRESS OF INTERIOR CALIFORNIA.

  .... A little bit of romance has just transpired to relieve the monotonyof our metropolitan life. Old Sam Choggins, whom the editor of thispaper has so often publicly thrashed, has returned from Mud Springs witha young wife. He is said to be very fond of her, and the way he came toget her was this:

  Some time ago we courted her, but finding she was "on the make," threwher off, after shooting her brother and two cousins. She vowed revenge,and promised to marry any man who would horsewhip us. This Sam agreed toundertake, and she married him on that promise.

  We shall call on Sam to-morrow with our new shot-gun, and present ourcongratulations in the usual form.--Hangtown "Gibbet."

  .... The purposeless old party with the boiled shirt, who has for somedays been loafing about the town peddling hymn-books at merely nominalprices (a clear proof that he stole them), has been disposed of in acheap and satisfactory manner. His lode petered out about six o'clockyesterday afternoon; our evening edition being delayed until that time,by request. The cause of his death, as nearly as could be ascertained bya single physician--Dr. Duffer being too drunk to attend--was Whisky Sam,who, it will be remembered, delivered a lecture some weeks ago entitled"Dan'l in the Lion's Den; and How They'd aEt 'Im ef He'd Ever benTher"--in which he triumphantly overthrew revealed religion.

  His course yesterday proves that he can act as well as talk.--DevilGully "Expositor."

  .... There was considerable excitement, in the street yesterday, owingto the arrival of Bust-Head Dave, formerly of this place, who came overon the stage from Pudding Springs. He was met at the hotel by SheriffKnogg, who leaves a large family, and whose loss will be universallydeplored. Dave walked down the street to the bridge, and it reminded oneof old times to see the people go away as he heaved in view. It was notthrough any fear of the man, but from the knowledge that he had madea threat (first published in this paper) to clean out the town. Beforeleaving the place Dave called at our office to settle for a year'ssubscription (invariably in advance) and was informed, through a chinkin the logs, that he might leave his dust in the tin cup at the well.

  Dave is looking very much larger than at his last visit just previousto the funeral of Judge Dawson. He left for Injun Hill at five o'clock,amidst a good deal of shooting at rather long range, and there willbe an election for Sheriff as soon as a stranger can be found who willaccept the honour.--Yankee Flat "Advertiser."

  .... It is to be hoped the people will all turn out to-morrow, accordingto advertisement in another column. The men deserve hanging, no end, butat the same time they are human, and entitled to some respect; and weshall print the name of every adult male who does not grace the occasionwith his presence. We ma
ke this threat simply because there have beensome indications of apathy; and any man who will stay away when BobBolton and Sam Buxter are to be hanged, is probably either an accompliceor a relation. Old Blanket-Mouth Dick was not the only blood relationthese fellows have in this vicinity; and the fate that befell him whenthey could not be found ought to be a warning to the rest.

  We hope to see a full attendance. The bar is just in rear of thegibbet, and will be run by a brother of ours. Gentlemen who shrink frompublicity will patronize that bar.--San Louis Jones "Gazette."

  .... A painful accident occurred in Frog Gulch yesterday which has casta good deal of gloom over a hitherto joyous and whisky loving community.Dan Spigger--or as he was familiarly called, Murderer Dan--got drunk athis usual hour yesterday, and as is his custom took down his gun, andstarted after the fellow who went home with his girl the night before.He found him at breakfast with his wife and thirteen children. Afterkilling them he started out to return, but being weary, stumbled andbroke his leg. Dr. Bill found him in that condition, and having nowaggon at hand to convey him to town, shot him to put him out of hismisery.

  Dan was dearly loved by all who knew him, and his loss is a Democraticgain. He seldom disagreed with any but Democrats, and would havematerially reduced the vote of that party had he not been so untimelycut off.--Jackass Gap "Bulletin."

  .... The dance-house at the corner of Moll Duncan Street and Fish-trapAvenue has been broken up. Our friend, the editor of the Jamboree,succeeded in getting his cock-eyed sister in there as a beer-slinger,and the hurdy-gurdy girls all swore they would not stand her society;and they got up and got. The light fantastic is not tripped there anymore, except when the Jamboree man sneaks in and dances a jig for hismorning pizen.--Murderburg "Herald."

  .... The Superintendent of the Mag Davis Mine requests us to state thatthe custom of pitching Chinamen and Injins down the shaft will have tobe stopped, as he has resumed work in the mine. The old well, back of JoBowman's, is just as good, and is more centrally located.--New Jerusalem"Courier."

  .... Three women while amusing themselves in Calaveras county met witha serious accident. They were jumping across a hole eight hundred feetdeep and ten wide. One of them couldn't quite make it, succeeding onlyin grasping a sage-bush on the opposite edge, where she hung suspended.Her companions, who had just stepped into an adjacent saloon, saw herperil, and as soon as they had finished drinking went to her assistance.Previously to liberating her, one of them by way of a joke uprooted thebush. This exasperated the other, and she, threw her companion half-wayacross the shaft. She then attempted to cross over to the other side intwo jumps.

  The affair has made considerable talk.--Red Head "Tribune."

  .... A family who for fifteen years have lived at the bottom of amine shaft in Siskiyou county, were all drowned by a rain-storm lastWednesday night. They had neglected their usual precaution of puttingan umbrella over the mouth of the shaft. The man--who had always beenvacillating in politics--was taken out a stiff Radical.--Dog Valley"Howl."

  .... There is a fellow in town who claims to be the man that murderedSheriff White some months ago. We consider him an impostor, seekingadmission into society above his level, and hope people will stopinviting him to their houses.--Nigger Hill "Patriot."

  .... A stranger wearing a stovepipe hat arrived in town yesterday,putting up at the Nugget House. The boys are having a good timewith that hat this morning, and the funeral will take place at twoo'clock.--Spanish Camp "Flag."

  .... The scoundrel who tipped over our office last month will be hungto-morrow, and no paper will be issued next day.--Sierra "Fire-cracker."

  .... The old grey-headed party who lost his life last Friday at thejewelled hands of our wife, deserves more than a passing notice at ours.He came to this city last summer, and started a weekly Methodistprayer meeting, but being warned by the Police, who was formerly aPresbyterian, gave up the swindle. He afterward undertook to introduceBibles and hymn-books, and, it is said, on one occasion attempted topreach. This was a little more than an outraged community could beexpected to endure, and at our suggestion he was tarred and feathered.

  For a time this treatment seemed to work a reform, but the heart of aMethodist is, above all things, deceitful and desperately wicked, and hewas soon after caught in the very act of presenting a spelling-bookto old Ben Spoffer's youngest daughter, Ragged Moll, since hung. TheVigilance Committee pro tem. waited upon him, when he was decentlyshot and left for dead, as was recorded in this paper, with an obituarynotice for which we have never received a cent. Last Friday, however, hewas discovered sneaking into the potato patch connected with this paper,and our wife, God bless her, got an axe and finished him then and there.

  His name was John Bucknor, and it is reported (we do not know with howmuch truth) that at one time there was an improper intimacy between himand the lady who despatched him. If so, we pity Sal.--Coyote "Trapper."

  .... Our readers may have noticed in yesterday's issue an editorialarticle in which we charged Judge Black with having murdered his father,beaten his wife, and stolen seven mules from Jo Gorman. The facts aresubstantially true, though somewhat different from what we stated.The killing was done by a Dutchman named Moriarty, and the bruiseswe happened to see on the face of the Judge's wife were caused by afall--she being, doubtless, drunk at the time. The mules had only strayedinto the mountains, and have returned all right.

  We consider the Judge's anger at so trifling an error very ridiculousand insulting, and shall shoot him the first time he comes to town. AnIndependent Press is not to be muzzled by any absurd old buffer with acrooked nose, and a sister who is considerably more mother than wife.Not as long as we have our usual success in thinning out the judiciarywith buck shot.--Lone Tree "Sockdolager."

  .... Yesterday, as Job Wheeler was returning from a clean-up at theButtermilk Flume, he stopped at Hell Tunnel to have a chat with theboys. John Tooley took a fancy to Job's watch, and asked for it. Beingrefused, he slipped away, and going to Job's shanty, killed his threehalf-breed children and a valuable pig. This is the third time Johnhas played some scurvy trick, and it is about time the Superintendentdischarged him. There is entirely too much of this practical jokingamongst the boys, and it will lead to trouble yet.--Nugget Hill "Pickaxeof Freedom."

  .... The stranger from Frisco with the claw-hammer coat, who put up atthe Gag House last Thursday, and was looking for a chance to invest, wasrobbed the other night of three hundred ounces of clean dust. We knowwho did it, but don't be frightened, John Lowry; we'll never tell,though we are awful hard up, owing to our subscribers going back onus.--Choketown "Rocker."

  .... Old Mother Gooly, who works a ranch on shares near Whiskyville, wasmarried last Sunday to the new Episcopalian preacher from Dogburg. Itseems that he laboured more faithfully to convert her soul than to savethe crop, and the bride protested against his misdirected industry,with a crowbar. The citizens are very much grieved to lose one whoseabilities they never fairly appreciated until his brain was scraped offthe iron and weighed. It was found to be considerably heavier than theaverage.

  But the verdict of the people is unanimously given. He ought not to havefooled with Mother Gooly's immortal part, to the neglect of the wheatcrop. That kind of thing is not popular at Whiskyville. It is notbusiness.--"Bullwhacker's Own."

  .... The railroad from this city north-west will be commenced as soonas the citizens get tired of killing the Chinamen brought up to do thework, which will probably be within three or four weeks. The carcasesare accumulating about town and begin to become unpleasant.--Gravel Hill"Thunderbolt."

  .... The man who was shot last week at the Gulch will be buried nextThursday. He is not yet dead, but his physician wishes to visit amother-in-law at Lard Springs, and is therefore very anxious to get thecase off his hands. The undertaker describes the patient as "the longestcuss in that section."--Santa Peggie "Times."

  .... There is some dispute about land titles at Little Bilk Bar. Abouthalf a dozen cases were temporarily d
ecided on Wednesday, but it issupposed the widows will renew the litigation. The only proper way toprevent these vexatious lawsuits is to hang the Judge of the CountyCourt.--Cow-County "Outcropper."

  POESY.

  Ye Idyll of Ye Hippopopotamus.

  With a Methodist hymn in his musical throat, The Sun was emitting his ultimate note; His quivering larynx enwrinkled the sea Like an Ichthyosaurian blowing his tea; When sweetly and pensively rattled and rang This plaint which an Hippopopotamus sang:

  "O, Camomile, Calabash, Cartilage-pie, Spread for my spirit a peppermint fry; Crown me with doughnuts, and drape me with cheese, Settle my soul with a codliver sneeze. Lo, how I stand on my head and repine-- Lollipop Lumpkin can never be mine!"

  Down sank the Sun with a kick and a plunge, Up from the wave rose the head of a Sponge; Ropes in his ringlets, eggs in his eyes, Tip--tilted nose in a way to surprise. These the conundrums he flung to the breeze, The answers that Echo returned to him these:

  "Cobblestone, Cobblestone, why do you sigh-- Why do you turn on the tears?"

  "My mother is crazy on strawberry jam, And my father has petrified ears."

  "Liverwort, Liverwort, why do you droop-- Why do you snuffle and scowl?"

  "My brother has cockle--burs into his eyes, And my sister has married an owl."

  "Simia, Simia, why do you laugh-- Why do you cackle and quake?"

  "My son has a pollywog stuck in his throat, And my daughter has bitten a snake."

  Slow sank the head of the Sponge out of sight, Soaken with sea--water--then it was night. The Moon had now risen for dinner to dress, When sweetly the Pachyderm sang from his nest; He sang through a pestle of silvery shape, Encrusted with custard--empurpled with crape; And this was the burden he bore on his lips, And blew to the listening Sturgeon that sips From the fountain of opium under the lobes Of the mountain whose summit in buffalo robes The winter envelops, as Venus adorns An elephant's trunk with a chaplet of thorns:

  "Chasing mastodons through marshes upon stilts of light ratan, Hunting spiders with a shotgun and mosquitoes with an axe, Plucking peanuts ready roasted from the branches of the oak, Waking echoes in the forest with our hymns of blessed bosh,

  We roamed--my love and I. By the margin of the fountain spouting thick with clabbered milk, Under spreading boughs of bass--wood all alive with cooing toads, Loafing listlessly on bowlders of octagonal design, Standing gracefully inverted with our toes together knit,

  We loved--my love and I." Hippopopotamus comforts his heart Biting half--moons out of strawberry tart. Epitaph on George Francis Train. (Inscribed on a Pork--barrel.) Beneath this casket rots unknown A Thing that merits not a stone, Save that by passing urchin cast; Whose fame and virtues we express By transient urn of emptiness, With apt inscription (to its past Relating--and to his): "Prime Mess." No honour had this infidel, That doth not appertain, as well, To altered caitiff on the drop; No wit that would not likewise pass For wisdom in the famished ass Who breaks his neck a weed to crop, When tethered in the luscious grass. And now, thank God, his hateful name Shall never rescued be from shame, Though seas of venal ink be shed; No sophistry shall reconcile With sympathy for Erin's Isle, Or sorrow for her patriot dead, The weeping of this crocodile. Life's incongruity is past, And dirt to dirt is seen at last, The worm of worm afoul doth fall. The sexton tolls his solemn bell For scoundrel dead and gone to--well, It matters not, it can't recall This convict from his final cell. Jerusalem, Old and New. Didymus Dunkleton Doty Don John Is a parson of high degree; He holds forth of Sundays to marvelling crowds Who wonder how vice can still be When smitten so stoutly by Didymus Don-- Disciple of Calvin is he. But sinners still laugh at his talk of the New Jerusalem--ha--ha, te--he! And biting their thumbs at the doughty Don--John-- This parson of high degree-- They think of the streets of a village they know, Where horses still sink to the knee, Contrasting its muck with the pavement of gold That's laid in the other citee. They think of the sign that still swings, uneffaced By winds from the salt, salt sea, Which tells where he trafficked in tipple, of yore-- Don Dunkleton Johnny, D. D. Didymus Dunkleton Doty Don John Still plays on his fiddle--D. D., His lambkins still bleat in full psalmody sweet, And the devil still pitches the key. Communing with Nature. One evening I sat on a heavenward hill, The winds were asleep and all nature was still, Wee children came round me to play at my knee, As my mind floated rudderless over the sea. I put out one hand to caress them, but held With the other my nose, for these cherubim smelled. I cast a few glances upon the old sun; He was red in the face from the race he had run, But he seemed to be doing, for aught I could see, Quite well without any assistance from me. And so I directed my wandering eye Around to the opposite side of the sky, And the rapture that ever with ecstasy thrills Through the heart as the moon rises bright from the hills, Would in this case have been most exceedingly rare, Except for the fact that the moon was not there. But the stars looked right lovingly down in the sea, And, by Jupiter, Venus was winking at me! The gas in the city was flaring up bright, Montgomery Street was resplendent with light; But I did not exactly appear to advance A sentiment proper to that circumstance. So it only remains to explain to the town That a rainstorm came up before I could come down. As the boots I had on were uncommonly thin My fancy leaked out as the water leaked in. Though dampened my ardour, though slackened my strain, I'll "strike the wild lyre" who sings the sweet rain! Conservatism and Progress. Old Zephyr, dawdling in the West, Looked down upon the sea, Which slept unfretted at his feet, And balanced on its breast a fleet That seemed almost to be Suspended in the middle air, As if a magnet held it there, Eternally at rest. Then, one by one, the ships released Their folded sails, and strove Against the empty calm to press North, South, or West, or East, In vain; the subtle nothingness Was impotent to move. Ten Zephyr laughed aloud to see:-- "No vessel moves except by me, And, heigh--ho! I shall sleep." But lo! from out the troubled North A tempest strode impatient forth, And trampled white the deep; The sloping ships flew glad away, Laving their heated sides in spray. The West then turned him red with wrath, And to the North he shouted: "Hold there! How dare you cross my path, As now you are about it?" The North replied with laboured breath-- His speed no moment slowing:-- "My friend, you'll never have a path, Unless you take to blowing." Inter Arma Silent Leges. (An Election Incident.) About the polls the freedmen drew, To vote the freemen down; And merrily their caps up--flew As Grant rode through the town. From votes to staves they next did turn, And beat the freemen down; Full bravely did their valour burn As Grant rode through the town. Then staves for muskets they forsook, And shot the freemen down; Right royally their banners shook As Grant rode through the town. Hail, final triumph of our cause! Hail, chief of mute renown! Grim Magistrate of Silent Laws, A--riding freedom down! Quintessence.

  "To produce these spicy paragraphs, which have been unsuccessfullyimitated by every newspaper in the State, requires the combined effortsof five able--bodied persons associated on the editorial staff of thisjournal."--New York Herald.

  Sir Muscle speaks, and nations bend the ear:

  "Hark ye these Notes--our wit quintuple hear; Five able--bodied editors combine Their strength prodigious in each laboured line!" O wondrous vintner! hopeless seemed the task To bung these drainings in a single cask; The riddle's read--five leathern skins contain The work
ing juice, and scarcely feel the strain. Saviours of Rome! will wonders never cease? A ballad cackled by five tuneful geese! Upon one Rosinante five stout knights Ride fiercely into visionary fights! A cap and bells five sturdy fools adorn, Five porkers battle for a grain of corn, Five donkeys squeeze into a narrow stall, Five tumble--bugs propel a single ball! Resurgam. Dawns dread and red the fateful morn-- Lo, Resurrection's Day is born! The striding sea no longer strides, No longer knows the trick of tides; The land is breathless, winds relent, All nature waits the dread event. From wassail rising rather late, Awarding Jove arrives in state; O'er yawning graves looks many a league, Then yawns himself from sheer fatigue. Lifting its finger to the sky, A marble shaft arrests his eye-- This epitaph, in pompous pride, Engraven on its polished side: "Perfection of Creation's plan, Here resteth Universal Man, Who virtues, segregated wide, Collated, classed, and codified, Reduced to practice, taught, explained, And strict morality maintained. Anticipating death, his pelf He lavished on this monolith; Because he leaves nor kin nor kith He rears this tribute to himself, That Virtue's fame may never cease. Hic jacet--let him rest in peace!" With sober eye Jove scanned the shaft, Then turned away and lightly laughed "Poor Man! since I have careless been In keeping books to note thy sin, And thou hast left upon the earth This faithful record of thy worth, Thy final prayer shall now be heard: Of life I'll not renew thy lease, But take thee at thy carven word, And let thee rest in solemn peace!"

  THE END.

  "For my own part, I must confess to bear a very singular respect to thisanimal, by whom I take human nature to be most admirably held forth inall its qualities as well as operations; and, therefore, whatever in mysmall reading occurs concerning this, our fellow creature, I do neverfail to set it down by way of commonplace; and when I have occasionto write upon human reason, politics, eloquence or knowledge, I laymy memorandums before me, and insert them with a wonderful facility ofapplication."--SWIFT.