First Love

by Tiya Rayne

  I look out the window again to get my bearings.

  “There is only one thing this far east of Richland. Tell me you are not heading to Uncle Sullivan’s?” I groan even though I already know the answer.

  “Well, Sullivan wanted to have a dinner at his house to welcome your father home. It’s only right that we show up.”

  “And you couldn’t have told me of these plans before you asked me to ride with you?”

  “You would have said no.”

  “Damn right!”

  “Oh no, young lady.” Mom cuts her perfectly arched eyebrows at me before turning back to the road. “Now I understand you are a mother now and you think you’re grown, but you don’t get to curse in front of me.”

  I groan. “Mama, I’m trying to be real respectful of you, but I do not appreciate you tricking me into coming to this thing.”

  “Zora, baby, this is your family. They have missed you.”

  “BULLSH……”

  “ZORA!” my father’s deep voice cuts through the front seat of the car like a whip cutting off my word.

  I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I’m trying to remember all the lessons in manners my parents taught me. “Look, I don’t think it’s a good idea I’m around family. I’m not the same quiet Zora that I use to be.”

  “Honey, what do you think is going to happen to you while you’re with your family?”

  I laugh, but there is no humor in it. “Do you really want me to answer that?”

  The car is silent. Both my parents remember the shit I went through with my family before I left. Taunting and bullying wasn’t just left to school and the community, my family had become just as cruel. And if they thought for one moment I would let them say to my daughter the hurtful and nasty things they use to say about me and her father, they have another thing coming.

  Too soon we pull up to the huge ranch home of my Uncle Sullivan. Sitting on three acres of land in the middle of rural farmland is my father’s oldest brother. I can already see the many cars parked in the curved driveway and on the front yard of the house. Out on the porch is my father’s entire family along with my sister and brother. They are all staring at the SUV as it parks in one of the empty spots by a huge tree. Mama cuts the car off and turns in her seat to face me.

  “I know you aren’t going to leave your family waiting for you. They just want to see you.”

  “Oh now they want to see me? What about Christmas that year when Aunt Charlotte told you I wasn’t welcomed in her house? Remember, I had to stay home while you, daddy, Lang, and Maya went to have Christmas dinner with the family. Or Thanksgiving right before that when Cousin Reggie called me a whore and proceeded to throw handfuls of potato salad at me across the table. If I remember correctly, Aunt Libby yelled at me to get out of her house and never come back. Like I was the one that ruined her dry ass potato salad.”

  “Zora, that was the past…..”

  “Well unlike you and the rest of the family, I don’t have the curtesy of forgetting the past.” I cut my eyes to my daughter as she stares shyly out the window taking in all the faces of the people on the porch. Thankfully mama’s and my conversation was low enough for her not to hear over The Temptations. “You and daddy can go in and have a great time, but Peyton and I will stay in the car.”

  “Honey, you are being ridiculous.” My mom unsnaps her seatbelt in a huff. She turns to the back seat. “Peyton, sweetheart, wouldn’t you like to go in and meet all of your cousins and…..”

  “Do. Not. Do. That.”

  “What?”

  “Don’t you ever put her on the spot.”

  “I’m just asking her if she wanted to meet her family. No need to keep her held up in this hot car with you out of spite.”

  “Spite!” I shout.

  “Alright, calm down.” My dad’s voice again cuts through the car sending mama and myself to our opposite sides of the ring. Our first round left us both bruised and angry. “Now, Nessa, Zora is right.” My mom opens up her mouth to say something but my dad cuts her off. “We should have told her what we had planned today.” Mama huffs and turns in her seat, her back again against the seat. “Zora, I would really appreciate it if you and Peyton came in and had dinner with me. But, It’s your decision.” With those final words, my dad pulls the handle to his car door and climbs out. My mother follows him out and they both shut the doors leaving me and Peyton alone in the car.

  I watch as they make it to the porch. I can’t hear what is being said, but I know my parents speak and then all eyes turn to me in the car.

  Great! I throw my head back on the headrest and sigh.

  “You didn’t have to worry.” My daughter’s voice floats up to the front seat easily since The Temptations were no longer singing.

  I turn around in my seat to face her. Her doe-shaped eyes staring back at me with so much love and trust.

  “Worry about what, Baby?”

  “About me picking Grandma Vanessa over you. I will always choose you, mama.”

  I smile and close my eyes to keep the tears from coming. God, I loved my little girl. Every decision I’ve made from the day that stick gave me two lines, I’ve done for my daughter. They weren’t always the best decisions or the easiest ones, but I’ve always had her in mind. There is nothing I wouldn’t do or sacrifice for Peyton Rhyan Henderson.

  I swallow my pride. “Do you want to go in?”

  Peyton looks out the window to all the people still standing on the porch staring at the car. She looks back to me and shrugs.

  “I did….. but.”

  “But what?”

  Her eyes look down then back up at me. “Would they really hurt me?”

  I laugh. “Girl, you know your mama would fight a bear for you. You never have to worry about anyone hurting you when I’m around.”

  Peyton giggles and the sight of her dimples brighten my world.

  “Yeah I know.” She admits when her laughter dies and her eyes cut back to the huge family standing on the porch. I see the longing in the way she looks at them. She will never admit it to me, but I know Peyton loves meeting all of her family. She went from just the two of us with borrowed family, to actually having a real family. José and Maria have been wonderful to Peyton. They act just like a real aunt and uncle. Even Maria’s mother stands in as a grandma to my baby, but I know how it must feel to her to have a real grandma rather than a pretend one. Peyton needed to be around my family. Despite the stuff I went through with them, I needed to give her a chance to get to know them and form her own opinions. Before Luke, before I announced my love for him, I enjoyed family gatherings. I loved running wild with my cousins and listening to my Aunts and Uncles talk grown folks business. My daughter needed to experience the same thing.

  I turn to Peyton and reach my hand back towards her, she takes it locking her fingers with mine.

  “You’re going to find that I’m going to lose my cool a few times with my family. I want you to know that it has nothing to do with you. My family and I have some……unresolved issues. But those issues are mine and not yours. Alright?”

  She smiles and nods at me.

  “How about we get out for a little while and see how it goes. If you start to feel uncomfortable or overwhelmed, you just tell me and we can head right back to this car, Ok?”

  “Ok!”

  “I love you, Peyton!”

  “I love you too, Mommy.”

  I climb out the car first and open the door behind me for Peyton to slide out. As soon as I shut the door my daughter places her hand in mine and holds on tight. We don’t take two steps away from the car before everyone on the porch is surrounding us. They greet my daughter like she’s a celebrity, introducing themselves and smiling from ear to ear. Peyton enjoys the love and attention, but her hand never leaves mine.

  For an hour and a half I stay by my daughter’s side. Even when she played outside with all her cousins, I stayed within hearing distance and sight of her. It wasn’t until she very p
olitely told me to get lost that I found myself heading into the kitchen of my Uncle’s home. Since I’ve been gone, my uncle has continued to add on to the massive house. I guess it helps that he owns a construction company. The newest addition is a remodeled kitchen.

  Good to know at least two things has stayed the same since my eight year absence. One of them being that all the women, between the ages of 20 and 60, congregate in the kitchen to swap recipes and gossip. It’s usually loud and filled with laughter, and it is also the place to get the first taste of all the food. And the second thing that remained the same, we are never on time. Two hours later and the food still ain’t done.

  I find my mother easily in the crowd of women. No matter what Vanessa Henderson is doing, she does it with class. I head over to where she is stirring milk into the huge pan of macaroni and cheese.

  “You finally gave that child some space?” She looks at me with a smile and a raised eyebrow.

  I laugh. “She suggested I should go get out of the heat.”

  Mama throws her head back and laughs. “That’s the nice way of saying stop hovering.”

  I playfully roll my eyes at my mother. She bumps my shoulder with hers and continues her work on the mac and cheese. I take a moment to enjoy that small bit of bonding we just had. For once we weren’t at each other’s throat.

  “Now Maya,” My cousin Alice shouts the moment my sister walks into the kitchen. “When are ya’ll going to set a date for your wedding? I want to lose a few pounds so I can pick up one of Marcus’s fine cousins.”

  It looks like Marcus and Maya has been on one of the many grocery store runs. Only in my family do they plan a dinner and still not have everything they need for it. Marcus places a handful of bags down on the huge kitchen island.

  “Marcus, you need to start putting pressure on our little Maya. Get her tail down that aisle.”

  Marcus chuckles. “Aunt Estelle, I’ve been trying to get this beautiful woman down the aisle since I met her our freshmen year at college.”

  I watch Marcus as he stares at my sister, and the love he has for her is written all over his face. I’ve noticed that every time he speaks about her or to her, he has a genuine smile on his face. He’s always finding reasons to touch her and do things for her. Like just now, after putting down all of his bags, he quickly turned around and grabbed the two out of her hand right before placing a kiss on her temple. It is obvious he adores her.

  “Aunt Estelle, Marcus knows I have goals. Once I meet those goals, then we will get married. We are not in a rush.”

  Although Maya says this as if she and Marcus are on one accord, I can see Marcus isn’t completely thrilled about postponing the marriage. In fact, his eyes dim and his smile falls the moment she mentioned having goals. It looks like once again my sister is letting her wants and dreams interfere with her life. But, that’s none of my business. Maya and my relationship is already strained. No need for me to stick my nose in her problems, I have more than enough of my own to occupy me. One of them being how I’ve looked down at my phone too many times hoping to get a text or a call from Luke. No matter how many times I tell myself him not calling is a good thing. He is engaged.

  “I’ve told Maya she needs to set that date.” My mom adds with a laugh bringing my attention back into the room. “You know Estelle has been dying to take your man from you since the first time she met him. Don’t make it easy for her.”

  The kitchen laughs as Aunt Estelle winks at Marcus. Estelle is my dad’s oldest sister. She’s in her sixties and about 40 pounds over-weight, but if you cooked as well as she did you have every right to be over-weight.

  “Now y’all leave Maya alone.” Aunt Charlotte comes to the defense of her favorite niece. “Ain’t nothing wrong with taking your time and planning things out. That is what a mature person would do.”

  “Thank you, Aunt Charlotte.” Maya says playfully sticking her tongue out towards my mother.

  “You and Charles raised this one right.” Charlotte cuts her eyes over to me. “Now that one over there.”

  The entire vibe in the room changes. Like a record scratch. I can feel the heavy tension seeping into the room. During the whole Luke period, my family would attack me verbally. Whenever we got together it became the tear down Zora day and make her cry. Back then, I was still young and trying to respect my elders. Now, I was waiting for this bitch to come for me.

  “Charlotte,” My mom warns. “I told you we were not doing this.”

  So this had already been discussed? This pisses me off more. My mom knew this was an issue before she brought me here, yet she allowed me and Peyton to walk into this mess.

  Aunt Charlotte places the knife she was using to cut the green peppers down and continues on. “I’m sorry, Vanessa, and you know I love you, but ya’ll spoiled that child.”

  I hear a bunch of ‘mmhmms’ and ‘sure dids’ go around the room.

  “Look what it did to Charles. My poor brother-in-law loved her so much that her leaving nearly killed him. Everyone knows that she was the cause of his heart attack.”

  Again the agreements go up. I look to my sister, wondering if she would correct them. Would she come to my defense and tell them that their theory is bullshit, because that is not how heart attacks worked. The smug smile on Maya’s face as she tries to slyly sip her tea lets me know I wouldn’t get any help from her.

  “Even now,” My outspoken Aunt continues. “She comes back home, unwed and with a child, and still no consequences.”

  “Tell it, Charlotte!” Aunt Libby calls out like Aunt Charlotte is preaching a sermon on Easter Sunday.

  “I’ve always said, spare the rod and spoil the child. And that’s what you did. She brought this family nothing but shame. I still can’t go to Beulah Baptist Church without folks shaking their head in disgust.”

  I’ve heard enough. I start to crack up laughing from my corner by the refrigerator. All eyes turn to me like I’ve lost my mind. Usually, this is the part in the past where I would lower my head remorsefully and leave out so that I could cry or call Luke.

  Well not today.

  “Yeah, me dating a white boy is what brought the family shame.” I shake my head. “You people are insane. And to think I use to feel so convicted after these family gatherings. I would go away thinking, clearly my family isn’t just racist idiots, and they have to have some real reason not to like my boyfriend.”

  “We did.” Aunt Libby shouts. “He was no good.”

  “Oh yes, the high school graduate with the football scholarship to any college in the U.S. was no good. Yet Uncle Ray can’t go thirty minutes without his bottle of whiskey or hold down a job longer than a month, but I’ve never heard the family say one rude thing to you.”

  Aunt Libby clutches a hand to her chest in shock.

  “Zora, that was uncalled for.” My sister seems to finally find her voice.

  “Not really! What was uncalled for, was the many times this family made me feel like shit about Luke as if I had the problem. The reality was, you were all just full of hate and bigotry.”

  “This town has a past and what the two of y’all were doing was shameful…”

  “Oh, please, Aunt Charlotte.” I wave her words away with an eye roll. “You want to talk about shame? Let’s talk about the affair you had with Deacon Mays back in the days. Let’s talk about how Uncle Sullivan came to daddy crying his eyes out when he found out.”

  Gasp go up around me. Aunt Charlotte’s eyes widen.

  “That….th…uh… that was never proven.” She tries to clarify.

  “Oh really? Maybe we should give Cousin Olivia and Uncle Sullivan a DNA test. I always wondered why she was lighter than the rest of your kids. Then again, Deacon Mays was light too.”

  “Zora, that’s enough.” My mom finally cuts in.

  The room is so quiet you can hear a pin drop. I had no sympathy for any of them. Nothing I said here was a lie and it still would never compare to the things they said to me. I push away fr
om the counter I was leaning on. My eyes stare back at the watery gaze of Aunt Charlotte. My mother looks away embarrassed that I aired all of their dirty laundry that I clearly had gotten from her.

  “If anybody needs me, I’ll be outside with my shameful daughter.” I turn to leave but stop in my tracks. I turn back around to face the room. “Oh, and just so we’re clear, if any one of you so much as breathe any of this bullshit near Peyton, I will show you the true definition of consequences.”

  I turn and walk out the door leaving everyone gaping at my back.

  Chapter Ten

  “H old on, Hold on. Let me get this straight.”

  I toss the football in my hand up in the air as I listen to my best friend Marshawn on the other end of my phone.

  “So you bump into some girl that curved you in high school, and you take her out for breakfast. She tells you she’s a struggling waitress…”

  “She never said she was struggling.”

  “Oh she struggling. Then when you’re getting ready to leave, she gives you her number even though she has a man.”

  I sigh and lean my head back against the back of the couch. I tuck my favorite childhood football into my chest and stare up at the ceiling of my hotel suite.

  “I mean, you over simplified it, but yeah.”

  Marshawn’s laugh comes through the other end of the phone so loud I have to pull it away from my ear. Even Serena heard the loud laugh. Her head lifts up from her paws and her ears stick straight up.

  “Oh, dude, she’s playing you!”

  His words sound reasonable. If this wasn’t Zora I would think the same thing. But this is Zora. I know her. At least I did eight years ago. What if she’s changed since then?

  I shake my head at that thought.

  “I don’t know. This girl isn’t like that.” I try to explain to Marshawn.

  “Come on, Luke. So you’re telling me this girl has been away for eight years, but just so happens to show up in your hometown three days after you get there? This has thirst trap written all over it. And take it from your boy, I can spot a damn thirst trap from miles away. How else do you think I dodge all these females and their fake pregnancies? I think this girl is trying to trap her a millionaire.”