First Love

by Tiya Rayne

  After picking up my dog from my sister’s place, I head to the park. I could never leave Serena behind when I travel, but being cooped up in a hotel room, no matter how large the room, is not the best for an active dog. So I let her stay at my sister’s where she has lots of room and two rambunctious nephews to play with. The park is full at this time of day, but I’m determined to run and clear my head. I only get four miles in when Serena veers off the track, tugging on her leash around my arm. I follow her in hopes that this distraction will be the same as the last time. I was even more thrilled to find out it was.

  Peyton is happy to see Serena run up to her. She was playing Frisbee with another child. Again the little girl’s beauty catches me by surprise.

  “Hey, Mr. Luke!” She throws her arms around my waist in a tight hug.

  I can’t describe the feeling of her embrace. I can’t even explain it. I just know that there was a rightness to it, as if it belonged. She steps back and smiles up at me.

  “I haven’t seen you here lately?” She questions.

  “Yeah, I usually run earlier in the day.” I say, watching the other kid, who gets bored with waiting on Peyton to return the Frisbee, walk off. “Where’s your mom?”

  “With my Uncle. I’m here with my aunt again.” She points to the bench where the same woman from last time is talking to another lady.

  “Want to play?” I nod down at the orange disc in her hand.

  She smiles that dazzling smile and nods her head. I take the Frisbee from her and toss it. Serena takes off for it catching it in her mouth. Peyton squeals in delight and claps her hands. Serena brings the Frisbee back, pleased with Peyton’s excitement. This time Peyton tosses the Frisbee and Serena goes for it. We play for a while, just tossing the Frisbee around for Serena to grab and bring back. Peyton did a better job to take my mind off things than the jog I tried to take earlier. I loved hanging out with her and hearing her laugh. She’s a great kid.

  The sound of police sirens cuts through the noise of the park. I wouldn’t have thought anything of it, but the way Peyton’s body language changes has me on full alert. The siren disappears the further it goes, but Peyton still seemed frightened.

  “Hey, you ok?”

  She shakes her head no. “The cops here are mean.” She whispers the words.

  I go on high alert.

  “What do you mean? Did something happen to you, Peyton?” That peaceful feeling from moments ago was gone. In its place was fury.

  Another shake of her head. “No, but he touched my mommy.” I didn’t even know this kid’s mom, but whatever affected her, affected me.

  “How did he touch her?”

  She looks down and back up at me and tears are flooding her eyes. “Mommy said no one is supposed to touch you there, but he touched her. And she didn’t like it.”

  At this point I was shaking with rage, not because some deadbeat cop felt up a woman I didn’t know, but he did it in front of Peyton and now she’s terrified of policemen. I can tell it by the way her body responded to the sound of the sirens and in the fear in her eyes as she tells me this story.

  “Come here.” I drop to my knees and open my arms as she comes barreling into my chest. “Don’t cry ok.” She whimpers but nods her head. “I’m so sorry you went through that. I’m sorry your mom went through it too. How’s your mom doing?” She releases my neck and wipes at her eyes.

  “She’s alright, I guess.”

  I imagine her mom was far from alright, but I’ve already figured out that Peyton’s mom was a tough lady.

  “Do you know the policeman’s name?” I ask next.

  Peyton’s father wasn’t in the picture, and she’s never mentioned a step dad, so I was going to take it upon myself to make sure this asshole cop paid for his crimes.

  “No!” She says shaking her head. “The only name on his uniform said Mitc…”

  “Peyton?!?!” we both turn at the sound of her aunts voice. “Honey are you ok?” The aunt asks but she’s looking at me suspiciously.

  I want to tell this woman off for looking at me as if I would ever hurt a kid, but I understand her suspicion.

  “I’m alright, Aunt Kyra. I just fell.” Peyton lies.

  She looks up at me with pleading doe-shaped eyes. I follow her lead.

  “Poor thing.” Her aunt adds as she reaches for Peyton out of my grasp. I reluctantly let the girl go. “Thank you!” The aunt says towards me.

  I only nod my head as I watch them walk off. Peyton turns back to me and waves over her shoulder. That haunted look in her eyes stabbing me in the chest.

  It’s probably a good thing I didn’t know who Peyton’s mom was or the asshole cop I wanted to introduce to my fist. I call for Serena and we head back to the track.

  ****

  A few hours later finds me parked in front of my childhood home. I once again question why the hell I’m here. Spending time with Peyton at the park today brought Melissa’s words back to mind. She’s right, one day I did want to have kids, and I didn’t want my issues with my parents to crossover into my ability to be a parent. I would never treat my child the way my parents did my sister and me, but everybody knows that unresolved issues always come back to bite you in the ass.

  I look back out at the dilapidated trailer. It looks worse than it did when I was a kid. A lot of the old trailers have been hauled out of the trailer park and replaced with newer, bigger models. However, my parents still have the same rusted tan single wide with the dark brown trim. The porch is in need of repairs and the underpin is missing in some places and broke in others. I climb out of my truck and walk up the rickety porch stairs to the front door.

  The weight of my last conversation with my father is weighing heavy on me. I open the screen door to knock on the door.

  “Just a minute.” I hear a female voice call out.

  The door opens and I come face to face with my mom after eight years.

  “Oh my word, Luke? Luke, look at you.”

  When I was a kid, I thought my mother was absolutely gorgeous. She had beautiful natural blonde hair with big blue eyes. Her delicate features made her elf like. She was petite, but looked even smaller up against my father. I remember watching her get dressed for her shifts at the local bar. She would curl her hair, teasing the curls out to look like the women you saw on TV. She would take hours applying her make up to perfection. I understood why my father was first drawn to my mother. Standing in front of me now, is not the woman I remember. Her hair was no longer that full golden blonde that looked like silk. It was thin, stringy and dull. Her blue eyes, although still blue, were lined and drooped with dark patches underneath. Even her skin seemed to have weathered and cracked with time. She looks so much older than I thought she would.

  “Hey, Ma!” My words give away to the shock on my face.

  “Look at me looking a mess. I wish I would have known you were coming, I would have fixed myself up.” She runs her hands over her flat hair. “Well come on in. Your father will be happy to see you.” She steps back from the door and allows me to enter.

  Although the outside looks old and rusted, the inside was extremely clean. The strong smell of lemon cleaner greeted me upon entrance. The old couch has been replaced. The new on wasn’t in much better shape as the old one, but it is a lot cleaner. I notice the empty beer bottles that once filled every inch of the small trailer is gone too. Either my parents got a maid, or my mom was actually giving a fuck now. The old brown carpet that was once so muddy and stained has been torn up and replaced with white and green linoleum. A few throw rugs are placed around the living room to warm it up. The place looks a lot better.

  “It looks nice in here.” I admit looking around the house.

  I notice that the trailer no longer carried that claustrophobic and depressing feeling.

  “We’re slowly getting the inside done. Then your father’s going to start working on the outside.”

  I almost laugh. I can’t imagine my pop helping to do anything a
round the house. He’s never cared what the place looked like.

  Mom straightens a pillow on the clean couch and pats a spot for me to sit. I sit down in the spot she designated and she sits next to me, staring at me with a smile on her face.

  “Look at you, all grown up.” She says. “Your father and I never miss a game. Everybody down at Riley’s knows that on Sunday the TV is always set to the Cougars game.”

  “You still work out at that bar?”

  She blushes. “Yeah, I’m assistant manager now.”

  “That’s great, Ma.”

  The house is silent again, only the sound of the old window air conditioner going.

  “You want something to drink?” Ma jumps to her feet. “We got water and diet coke, your dad has lemonade, but I’m sure he wouldn’t mind if you had any.”

  “I’m ok, Ma. I just……. I wanted to come by and see you.”

  She smiles again but it’s a sad smile now. It barely reaches her eyes.

  “I’m glad you did this time. Holly told us you were in town. She always tells when you’re here. She stops by to check on us, sometimes she brings the boys with her.”

  I knew my sister was trying to rebuild her relationship with my parents. She left the house not long after I did. I never knew what finally made her take the boys and go, I just know that her and mom’s relationship had been estranged ever since then. They were slowly building it back up.

  Just then the front door opens and my pop walks in. His back is to me and he has his fishing gear on with a big black bucket in his hands.

  “Sally, I got dinner, baby! The fish were biting good today.” Pop turns around and the minute his eyes hit me, he freezes.

  I thought my mom was a shock to see, but my father blows me away. Pop was always a large man, 6’5” 270 pounds, he was built solid. Even when he was a drunk laid out on that piece of shit couch he was still intimidating. Now he looks like half of the man he once was. Still as tall as I remember him, he can’t be bigger than 170 pounds. Holly said that his illness caused him to lose a lot of weight, but this is striking to see. Along with the weight loss is the yellowed eyes and the sunken face.

  “Luke!” my father says in greeting. “That your truck out front.”

  “Yeah!”

  He nods his head up and down. “Nice pick. I heard those things are great for hauling.”

  “Uh, yeah. They are.” Silence greets us again.

  For a moment we stand there staring at each other. Taking in the sight.

  “Well let me get the fish.” My mom says, finally breaking the connection.

  She grabs the black bucket out of my dad’s hands and before she walks away, he grabs her arm and pulls her back to him planting a kiss on her lips. I think that is the most shocking thing I have seen today. My parents were not the PDA couple. They fucked like rabbits in these paper thin walls, but outside the bedroom they rarely got along. Once in elementary school, I mentioned to my sister that our parents always fought, but were always happy in the bedroom. She replied that it was just how some people were, they liked the pain before the pleasure. I had no idea at the time what she was talking about, but as I got older I understood. Seeing them do something as simple as kiss now, is weird.

  Pop let’s her go and she heads to the kitchen to start the fish I presume.

  “You staying for dinner?” Pop asks. “We got plenty of fish.”

  “No, but thank you.”

  He sits down in his blue recliner across from me. My mom brings him a can of ice cold lemonade. He pops the top and drinks it down. I stare at him in wonder trying to figure out who these people are.

  Pop smiles. “Ever since my liver went to shit three years ago, I gave up the alcohol. Best decision I ever made. Thanks for the check, by the way. I wanted to call and thank you, but I didn’t have your number and your sister refused to give it to me.”

  I don’t know how to reply to that so I don’t. I only nod.

  “I catch your game every Sunday, did your mom tell you that?”

  “Yeah, she told me.”

  “I even went and bought me a Cougars flag that I fly the entire season. Got a #14 jersey too.” He says proudly.

  Another nod from me. It seems like that’s all I’m capable of doing. I was at such a loss. I didn’t know these people. The people I knew were bitter and angry all the time. I was waiting for my real parents to appear.

  “So, your mother tells me you’re getting married?”

  “Yea, April of next year.”

  “You hear that, Sal?” My father calls out to my mother in the kitchen. Ma walks into the living room cleaning her hands on a towel.

  “We…. weren’t sure if we’d get invited to the wedding.” My mom says taking a seat on the arm of my father’s chair.

  “Yeah, I know.” I clear my throat.

  This is where the conversation gets real.

  “Well, it’s up to you. Whatever you decide will be fine with us.”

  My eyes narrow at my father. What the fuck is going on? Did I walk into the twilight zone?

  “And if I say you weren’t invited, you would be ok with that?”

  My mother stands and turns her back to me. Pop reaches out and places a hand on her arm.

  “If those are your wishes, then yes.”

  “Whatever!” I get to my feet.

  Clearly this is another scam for money. I wasn’t sitting around for this bullshit.

  “Luke, where are you going? You just got here.”

  “Look, I know it’s been a long time since I’ve seen you, but no way are you going to sell me on this bullshit story you got going on here. Kissing and touching outside the bedroom. No beer the moment you walk in the door. And now you want me to believe you’re ok with me not inviting you to the wedding? All the pleading and begging me to send you money that first year I signed, now you’re not interested in coming to the wedding? You must think I’m some kind of idiot.”

  “Son, wait!”

  I shake my head as my father stands to his feet.

  “Son? Not boy?”

  Pop looks away from me. I’m done here. I head towards the door.

  “I almost died.” My father’s voice stops me. I turn around and he’s looking down at the ground with his hands in his pockets. “I was uhh….out at the bar. I’d been drinking and decided I was still capable of driving. I promised the new waitress down at Riley’s that I’d swing by her place after she got off. Half way there, I must have passed out at the wheel. I woke up four days later in a hospital bed. Doctors said I was lucky to be alive. Thankfully no one else was hurt during the accident. They were going to release me in a few days but wanted to run some test on me. That’s how they found the Cirrhosis. In four days I was saved twice. I sat there in that hospital alone and scared wondering if I’d died in that wreck, would anyone care? I had a wife that hated my guts, a daughter and grandsons I hardly knew and a son that wouldn’t even talk to me. The only thing I ever loved, the one thing I gave all my time to, had just tried to kill me twice.

  That very moment I prayed to God and asked him that if he helped me get past that day, no matter how much or little time I had left in this world, I would make it right by the people in my life. The first person I had to make amends with was your mama.” My mom comes up and wraps her arms around my father’s waist. He smiles down at her before turning back to me. “It required a lot of groveling, but she agreed to stay by my side. Son, when we found out how much the treatment cost, I didn’t want to ask you for it. I knew the way we carried on when you first went in the league was deplorable. I even told Holly not to mention it to you.”

  “He did, Luke.” Mom explains.

  Pop nods. “She did it anyway, and I thank you for it. I don’t know where I would be if you hadn’t sent the money. I’ve been working hard to improve my relationship with Holly. She’s slowly warming up to me, and I understand that. But, I knew it would be harder with you. I didn’t even remember what we argued about that night, I wa
s too drunk to…….”

  “Zora.” I say her name, speaking it proudly while watching their reaction closely.

  My mother looks away ashamed and my father doesn’t flinch as his hazel eyes stare back at me.

  “Yes, her. Luke, I was a drunk, a liar, a cheater, and an angry fool. But I was never a racist. The day I saw you sitting in that fancy car with her, I thought, he was finally getting the skinny little brown girl he’s always wanted.”

  My eyes nearly bug out of my head at his words.

  He chuckles and looks down at himself. “Sixth grade. It was the valentine’s dance. I passed by the bathroom fifteen times that night, and each time you were in the mirror asking some girl name Zora to dance with you. I watched you try out different tones and smiles as you asked this girl to dance. I wanted to know who she was.” He looks down and shakes his head. “Wish I could have been man enough to just come in the bathroom and ask you myself, but by that time I had given up on everything. I remember I took you to the dance that night. I had plans, so taking you to the dance was an excuse. I knew the moment your crush came into view. She climbed out the car in front of us and I thought your eyes would pop out of your head like in those old cartoons.” This time when he laughs my mom and I join in with him.

  “I should have been sober enough to ask you that night, but I have to know, did you get to dance with her?”

  I laugh. “Yeah, I did.”

  It was one of the greatest nights of my life. Zora wore a silver dress that was gorgeous. We danced for three songs straight.

  My dad smiles and nods. “When I saw you drive up in her car, I was proud of you. Then I let Ted start filling my head up about the wrong things. I was too drunk to be a real father and I turned out to be a coward. Letting the towns folk tell me how I should feel. I even turned your mother against it. I had a lot of problems back then, Luke. I’m ashamed to admit the things I said to you and about her. I know you’re over her now and you’ve moved on to a beautiful young woman, but I want you to know, that I am sorry for being one of the people that helped ruin that relationship.”

  His words hit me hard. I would have given anything to have him say this to me back then. If I would have just had one parent on my side it would have made a huge difference for Zora and me. I could have promised Zora the stability she needed to keep my child. Maybe if she saw my parents supporting us she wouldn’t have feared turning into them so much. However, no one can know how things would have turned out. All I have is the here and now. In this moment, my father was giving me what he could to mend our relationship. We couldn’t fix everything that was broken in one day, but I could at least stay a little longer to get us back on the right track.