Short Fiction of Flann O'Brien

by Flann O'Brien

  Tim closed the book, finished the remains of his drink and thoughtfully re-charged his glass. He frowned a little as he filled his pipe. How could people seriously attempt to live on sago? Is it really a staple, such as bread made from wheaten flour is with us? And would those easterly people think it very odd that the Irish should put such trust in potatoes, even if the potatoes were (as assuredly they were not) Earthquake Wonders? By all accounts the Garden of Eden was not marshy and it was fairly sure that no lofty sago trees there kept off the heat of the sun, any more than Adam and Eve dug the sinless soil for the world’s first potatoes. He kindled the pipe and half-closed his eyes in reverie.

  The door flew inward with a noise and Sarsfield Slattery hurried inward, alert and frowning a bit.

  “Tim, was Billy Colum here?”

  “No. Nobody was here. Why?”

  “I was bringing him up a cup of tea and a slice of brown bread. The Doctor told me to keep an eye on him. He’s gone!”

  “Gone? Heavens, I was just reading some stuff here about sago to please the Doctor, and, well . . . thinking . . . and drinking. I thought Billy was working away down there.”

  “Well, he has disappeared off the face of the earth. The Doctor is at your place. I’d better ring him.”

  Tim nodded helplessly.

  “I suppose it would be the wise thing,” he agreed.

  6

  At Poguemahone Hall Tim decided to leave Sarsfield and go up to Crawford MacPherson’s private quarters alone. His own life having so swiftly proceeded from simplicity to complexity, he now began to fear boundless confusion and resolved for his own part to be more than careful. What untold things might not result from the collision of the drug-charged Doctor and a foreigner with no right command of her wits? What incomparable things might happen in the house of Ned Hoolihan while the owner was up in an aeroplane mapping his oil empire in Texas or marking the spot of a rogue gusher? Tim knocked on the door and entered.

  Doctor the Hon. Eustace Baggeley was elegantly sprawled on the broad sofa, smiling broadly with a gleam in his eyes. Crawford MacPherson was in the armchair by the fire: not annoyed, not genial but seemingly in an acceptable neutral humour.

  “Well, Tim, what’s the trouble?” she asked.

  “My dear boy, you look pale,” the Doctor beamed.

  Tim ventured to take a seat, for his own ingestion of Locke’s had somewhat dissipated his natural reticence.

  “I thought I should let you know, Doctor, that your man Billy Colum has disappeared. Sarsfield Slattery missed him and after we searched and shouted for him, we thought we should come over here and let you know right away.”

  MacPherson put the glass in her hand on the table.

  “What’s this, Doctor? People disappearing? Innocent bodies being whisked away? I thought things were settled in this country.”

  The Doctor airily waved a hand.

  “My dear Crawford, nothing in this world is ever settled. Billy is a queer little man, full of whims and crucified with rheumatism. He’ll probably show up again in a few days. Maybe he has gone to see his old mother in Killoochter. Did he leave a message, Tim?”

  “He left nothing, sir. Just disappeared.”

  MacPherson stood up.

  “It seems it is just my misfortune to walk into some sort of criminality at your Castle, Doctor. A thing that smells of agrarian kidnapping, Fenianism or something of the kind. Where are the police? I can ring up the American Ambassador in Dublin if there is a telephone in working order in this unholy district.”

  The Doctor also rose, intact in his good humour.

  “My dear lady, nothing of the kind. Billy is quite harmless, and a first-class carpenter. He was panelling a hallway for me. We don’t keep office hours in this country, you know. You never can tell. He might have suddenly remembered that he had to post a letter and there’s a two-mile walk in that job.”

  The lady snorted.

  “I have no doubt at all,” she said in a hard voice, “that your wretched potatoes inflict weakness in the head as well as in the bones. All the same, he is your workman, Doctor. We had better go and investigate.”

  “But, my dear Crawford. . . .”

  “At once!”

  In a surprisingly quick time coats and hats had been got and the company, including Sarsfield Slattery, were getting into the Doctor’s aged Bentley. Nothing could disturb his panache and, as the car started, he gave his new passenger caution of what to expect from the unkempt country roads of Ireland, even if the journey was less than a mile.

  “I am not a complete tyro, Doctor,” she replied. “I got off the liner near Cork and drove up here in my Packard, and it couldn’t be worse in the highlands of Kangchenjunga. Why haven’t the people here smart ponies and traps instead of those donkey-carts?”

  “Ponies,” replied the Doctor, “are useless for agricultural labour in the little fields. We need all-purpose animals here, and cars that can carry potatoes and manure as well as people. In my Army days outside Singapore we had ploughing done by cows. Did you ever eat yak butter, Crawford?”

  “I did not, sir. I take it you have never heard of sago butter?”

  The Doctor laughed.

  “Indeed no, but though delicious, like sago cheese, it’s hardly as nourishing as cows’ butter.”

  “Nourishing? That’s the nonsense to be heard from doctors all over the world—nourishing. Are potatoes nourishing? The purpose of food is to keep people alive, and in their own country. Potatoes are hardly known at all in the States. It is surprising how easy it is for the Irish who get there to forget their native spuds.”

  “That reminds me,” Sarsfield interjected. “Billy Colum missed his dinner.”

  The Doctor had been driving his gallant old car and was now nearing his own splendid castellated entrance, always hospitably open, with the pushed-back gates permanently immured in stones and bracken.

  “Here we are at Sarawad, Crawford. The word sarawad is Gaelic and means ‘before long.’ A delightful name, you’ll agree. It spells out hope, and better times to come.”

  Looking about her, the lady said:

  “There’s a lot of loose, foolish talk out of the people here—all of them. The climate may take part of the blame but not all of it. I hope you have a drink in the house, Doctor?”

  The Doctor had pulled up and reached for the doors.

  “Here we are, madame. Sarawad Castle, home of peerless foodstuffs and the true, the blushful Hippocrene.”

  Crawford MacPherson did not waste time or admiration on the fine old door or the lofty entrance hall, nor on the gaming weapons and animals’ heads which crowded its walls; she seemed to be leading the party, as if she owned the Castle, up the stairs to the lounge which had been the scene of Billy’s labours. The artificial walls of teak, flawless and complete, gleamed in the evening light while a chair, a saw, and the neat mess a good carpenter leaves behind were in the middle of the floor.

  “He was finishing the job here as I passed down,” the Doctor said, tapping a section of the wall. “I gave him a little bit of a hand and he appeared to be his usual good self.”

  “Was he sober?” MacPherson asked.

  “Sober as the day he was born because Billy never touched intoxicating drink. It wasn’t that drink was against his rule, or mine either, but it played hell with his rheumatism. You see, his rheumatism was congenital, the poor man. He was a martyr to that disorder but he never complained nor let himself be depressed.”

  “He offered all his pains up to God,” Tim said piously.

  MacPherson glowered about the room and from face to face.

  “How could a cripple be a carpenter?” she demanded.

  “Oh, the Doctor himself looks after him,” Sarsfield replied. “He gets by all right, ma’am.”

  “Don’t you dare call me ma’am!”

  “You see, Crawford,” the Doctor interposed, “his trouble is not really old-fashioned inflammation of the muscles and joint tissue but a verruculo
se affection of the tendons. Very disabling and discouraging but a dart from me restores him to condition, rather like winding up an alarm clock. You may be sure I look after my staff.”

  “I see. His muscles are all right but his tendons are permanently wrecked. I imagine that situation would make him worse. Has he been given to disappearing like this?”

  “Not really, Crawford,” the Doctor replied amiably. “But he takes his own time at a job, and goes about it in his own way. You see, we’re a sort of happy family here. Billy Colum was a bit of an artist. You can’t hurry a man of that kind—not if you want a proper stylish job done.”

  “And tell me, Doctor, do those injections sicken or upset him in any way?”

  “Yerra not at all. They sometimes make him sing, help to take him out of himself. Help him to get a good night’s sleep, too, for he does have a touch of insomnia.”

  “But does he eat properly?”

  “Lord save us,” Tim interrupted, “eat? He’s so hungry most days he’d eat a dead Christian Brother. When Billy sits down he clears the decks. Give him a bucket of Irish stew—potatoes, onion, and any God’s amount of meat, boiling hot, and he’ll shovel it down the inside of his neck like a man possessed.”

  MacPherson glared at him.

  “You mean, young man, that he is addicted to gluttony? Doctor, could we pay a visit to your own quarters, just the two of us?”

  “A pleasure, Crawford.”

  Tim and Sarsfield looked at each other ruefully as their betters departed. This lady made as little distinction as between persons and classes. She was just as overbearing and peremptory with the Doctor as with them and apparently thought her husband’s money had demolished all barriers.

  “This ould wan,” Sarsfield mused, “is getting a bit on my nerves.”

  “Is that so, my poor man,” Tim rejoined drily. “This is the first time she has been here, possibly the last time. I have to live with her, day and night, and she may be staying at Poguemahone for years—for years, man. How would you like changing places with me?”

  “I’d rather go to the States, like Hoolihan. But Billy . . . I know that the Doc sometimes gives him a dart of his own needle. Something terrible is going to happen. I didn’t hear Billy leave the house, in fact I didn’t miss him till I went to call him for his dinner.”

  “What’s all the fuss about?” Tim asked irritably. “He finished his job. He finished his job and maybe decided to slope off for a drink. You heard the Doc say that Billy was a total abstainer? That was a good one.”

  “Listen, Tim,” Sarsfield said earnestly, “you know very well Billy doesn’t get ideas of that kind. When he’s tired working, and hungry, the only idea in his head is to make a ferocious attack on his dinner. You know that very well.”

  Tim did not pay much attention, for he was examining and testing the panelling—a job well done, he had to confess, and skillfully.

  “Let’s hope,” he said at last, “that Billy won’t be found drowned in a bog hole.”

  “Does her ladyship let you smoke?” Sarsfield asked.

  “What?” Tim rasped. “Me, smoke? I’ll smoke my pipe any time and anywhere I want to.”

  Sarsfield lit a cigarette and pulled gratefully at it, undeterred by returning voices.

  “Since you have the instrument, my dear,” the Doctor said reentering, “you might give the chests of those two boys a run over. They are divils for smoking, a thing I personally steer clear of. Any news, boys?”

  “Not a thing,” Tim said as he noticed that MacPherson was swinging a stethoscope.

  “Holy God,” muttered Sarsfield, taken aback.

  “Show me again, Doctor,” MacPherson said briskly, “just where the missing man finished his work.”

  “Surely,” the Doctor replied. “I stopped to talk to him and gave him a slight amateur’s helping hand just here, look.”

  She nodded and, with ear-pieces in place, began to run the bell of the stethoscope over that particular part of the wall, stooping to cover the lower parts. Suddenly she stood upright and wheeled round.

  “You,” she said sharply to Tim Hartigan, “get a chisel or something and break the panelling away at this seam!”

  Frowning, Tim bent among the tools. The Doctor, still jovial but a little concerned, intervened.

  “But, my dear, that’s finished work—I mean, it would be a pity to break it up.”

  Tim carefully handed a chisel and hammer to Sarsfield.

  “Quite so, Doctor. It would also be a pity for one of your workmen to lose his life.”

  After a nod from his employer, Sarsfield inserted the chisel-edge at a scarcely perceptible seam and began his crude hammering until rending sounds concluded with a ragged gap torn in the panelling. MacPherson peered in.

  “Quick, boy,” she cried, “break down some more towards the floor and get him out. He’s in there, on his back!”

  Confusion of work and voices ensued until Tim found himself behind the panelling dragging the comatose Billy to his feet and manhandling him towards the light of the ope—and final rescue.

  “Well, good Lord,” the Doctor said, gaping, “how on earth could he build himself into the wall? The tiny nails are driven in from the outside. Goodness me, this is the limit. How do you feel, Billy?”

  MacPherson, hands on huge hips, was grim.

  “Doctor, did you help him with this job? Did you give him an injection for his tendons?”

  Billy was sitting disconsolately on the floor, only partially conscious.

  “He’s coming to,” Sarsfield cried.

  “I certainly gave him a little help,” the Doctor said pleasantly. “That verruculose affliction could put a delicate job like this all wrong.”

  “You’d better put this man to bed,” MacPherson said to Sarsfield, “and then let us have a rest in your library, Doctor.”

  “With pleasure, my dear,” the Doctor replied with total recall of his good humour. “Those careless little chaps would need somebody to mind them all the time.”

  At first undecided, Tim followed his principals to the library, happy that he had earlier put away his own books and drinking utensils. MacPherson sat by the fire, putting the stethoscope on the desk while the Doctor produced the Locke’s and three—yes, three—glasses. MacPherson drank appreciatively, apparently judging that the situation was one of some small triumph for her.

  “My dear Doctor,” she said, “forgive me if my manner over this little mystery seemed a bit brusque. But human suffering disturbs me. That is why I feel that the money at my disposal must be applied to the amelioration of man’s lot in general.”

  “By the ingestion of sago, my dear?”

  “That is one way, the fundamental way for Ireland. But it is not by any means exclusively a matter of the stomach, of diet, or even of the startling change in the national scenery. With vast countrywide plantations of sago pine there will be, for example, a new wild life in Ireland. . . .”

  The Doctor clapped hands.

  “My dear girl, how charming! You do excite me. In my Army days—indeed, in all my younger days—the hunt was a preoccupation with me which almost made my work take second place. I never enjoyed shooting at people, matteradamn whether they were niggers or coolies . . . but tigers! Ah!”

  MacPherson contrived the ghost of a smile.

  “Well, in my own younger days,” she said, “researching sago in the wilder parts of Sumatra and the Malay Peninsula, I had to be on my guard against some very large fierce creatures such as the Asiatic elephant, the bison and the rhinoceros, and several kinds of bear. . . .”

  “Jolly good, by Jove!”

  “But these large mammals would scarcely find sustenance in Ireland, even if they were allowed to kill and eat the people. But the smaller wild animals can be deadlier. The sago rat is indigenous in any territory where the pine grows. The tapir, the sambhur and the siamang, a strange sort of anthropoid ape, will probably appear here. Also the crab-eating macaque, I can see that flourish i
n Connemara. I would not be sure of the Asiatic tiger and black panther coming here, for they are very wide-ranging and predatory creatures, but many smaller jungle cats and wild boars may be expected. There would be no counting the breeds of alien birds which would roost in the sago pines. . . .”

  “Ah, my dear lady—blue partridge, argus pheasant and the cotton teal, I sampled them in the eating-houses of Hong Kong.”

  “Yes, Doctor, but a thing not to be ignored will be the swarms of new insects, house-monkeys and quadruped snakes and, glory be to God, the din will be something new to this country, particularly at night.”

  There was a brief silence of reflection.

  “Are you sure, my dear Crawford, that this . . . this bouleversement of hemispheres, to so speak, is worthwhile in the mere interest of changing the potato for sago in this country?”

  MacPherson put down her empty glass smartly.

  “Of course I do. Don’t millions of people live under such conditions in the East? What would happen if they were all to decide to emigrate to America?”

  “Hmmm. That would be a bad show. Have another drink?”

  “Thanks.”

  “Tim?”

  “Thank you, Doctor.”

  “I must be getting home, Doctor, very soon. I have letters to write and notes to make. So charming meeting you.”