by E. M. Moore
I feel sick.
I was always the outsider but never like this. I still had my parents. I still had a house, no matter if it was the worst in the village. There was a spot for me to always lay my head down and bathe and eat—and there were people who loved me.
While I watch, I don’t notice that I’ve partially shifted. My fingers have turned into claws digging into the top of the desk. Nadia elbows me, and pointedly glares at my hands. I stare wide-eyed, then close my eyes. It’s okay. I console my wolf as she freaks the fuck out. That won’t be us.
Slowly, she starts to retract until my claws return to fingers—the same needle-like sensation coursing through me as I change. When I’m fully human, I lean against the back of the chair and place my hands on my lap in case something like that happens again. When the class ends, I hightail it out of there, leaving Nadia behind calling my name.
My wolf is begging to be set free. I need to get the hell out of Greystone Academy and give in. I practically race through the halls, exiting out the main doors and rounding the side of the building where the huts are in view. Someone calls my name from behind me, but I don’t register that they’re talking to me until a hand yanks back on my arm. I spin, growling—the sound more wolf than human. My heart batters my chest, singing a song of agony and fear.
Jonah stands in front of me. He takes a step back and raises his hands in surrender. A black polo shirt pulls taut over his broad chest. His biceps burst from the sleeves barely containing his muscles. Glistening, brown hair styled to the side shines in the sun beating down on both of us.
“What are you doing here?” I bark. I can’t tell if I’m mad that he’s here, that he’s so gorgeous, or that he’s interrupted me from running. Probably a mixture of all three. The last thing I want is to be attracted to someone who doesn’t think I’m worthy.
“Ms. Ebon and I have a meeting to schedule your class with me, but I saw you running out of the building.” He studies me, and for once, he doesn’t do it with disgust. His gaze roams down my uniform, then travels up to meet my eyes. “What’s wrong?”
I laugh, but it almost comes out like an exasperated sob. How could he be asking me what’s wrong? Everything is obviously wrong. “I’m stuck here, away from my family. Away from anyone who loves me. I had to sit and watch a grotesque video about living Feral, as if it’s some sort of warning to us all, and the guy who put me here is asking me what’s wrong. That’s what’s fucking wrong, Jonah.”
He rubs at his chest, and I wonder if he can feel the pain coursing through me. When a wolf is really hyped up, they can transfer their emotions to others in the same pack, and the bond between fated wolves is supposed to be stronger than that. The higher up you are in the pack, the easier it is to transfer emotions, so this is most likely our bond making Jonah wince. “I was told you could talk to your parents while you were here.”
I blink at him to make sure he’s serious and then lose my shit. “Oh, really? I’m lucky, then. Tell me, can you only just talk to your parents while you’re attending Brixton? Or can you maybe go see them whenever you want?”
He roars in my face, the sound pricking my skin. “Why do you fight me at every fucking turn?”
“Because you’re ruining my life!”
Jonah moves fast. I cower as his hands stretch out but instead of the attack I thought I was getting, he grabs my forearms and crushes me to his chest. His arms wrap around me, squeezing. The warmth of his huge form envelops me in all directions. He’s stiff at first, like a boa constrictor who doesn’t know his own strength. Eventually, his muscles retract until it’s just his two giant arms holding me to him in an embrace. “Relax,” he whispers. “I feel like my heart is tearing right out of my chest. I need you to calm down. Please.”
With his one hand bound around my shoulder and another around my back, I can only move my head. I tilt it up, peering into his unsure eyes. My heart slows. “You feel me, don’t you?”
He avoids my stare. His throat works, the cut of his jaw feathering. “Yes, I feel you.”
Almost instantaneously, my mood shifts. My wolf is content being barricaded in our mate’s strong arms, and she no longer threatens to burst free from my human form or be the accelerant to my temper. I lean my head against his chest because even though I hate that he gives me comfort, I need it right now. I crave him like a bad idea that will hurt later but in the present moment, you just don’t care.
Little by little, his hold loosens, but he still doesn’t let me go. His heartbeat, once erratic, returns to normal, mirroring mine. It’s far past time one of us should be stepping away from the other, but we don’t. For once, I give into nature and instinct, and let what I need carry through me.
Finally, he asks, “Do you have classes for the rest of the day?”
I shake my head, my cheek pressing against his shirt. “I was going to start my self-study work, but I’m free.” My words reach out to him like an olive branch. I hold my breath, waiting for him to shove them right back in my face.
He reaches up and works his fingers through my hair, tugging on the ends slightly until I’m peering up at him. “What’s your self-study in?”
My heart lodges in my throat. He’s holding me like a lover. Tentatively, I reach my own hands up. I clasp his waist, which feels oh so right but I get nervous, so I move them up, then down, then I finally drop them in exasperation. Evidently, I don’t have any idea how this works. How do two mates, who are supposed to be each other’s forever, get over being hurt?
“Don’t,” he murmurs, untangling his fingers from my hair. I think he’s going to back away, but instead, he grabs my hands and returns them to his hips, holding them there until he returns his grip to my hair. “Now,” he breathes. “What’s your self-study in?”
“B-botany.”
He raises a brow, a small smirk playing over his lips. “You’re a science nerd?”
I cock my head. Years of teasing have taught me to lash out, but I hold it in. “Not really. I just like the forest, trees, plants, but mainly flowers.”
As we’re standing here, I can’t help but think that I’m doing as Ms. Ebon told me to. I’m introducing myself to him. I’m laying bare the parts I hid from everyone. The ones I held inside knowing that if they never accepted me as a pack member, they wouldn’t like the weird parts of me either—the parts that would rather sit outside with my hands in the dirt than go to pack parties or meetings.
He watches me for the longest time before pulling away. My hands drop to my sides, and my heart squeezes as he puts distance between us. My wolf doesn’t feel it as much. She preens under the huge advancement we’ve made, but I’m not as convinced. All we did was give in to nature.
“If you’re calm now, I can ask Ms. Ebon for a schedule for the gymnasium so we can practice.”
“Are you going to make me a badass?”
I swear his lips quirk, a prelude to a smile. “Why? Do you think I’m a badass?”
It blows me away how proud I am that I almost made him grin. “You certainly look the part, but I haven’t seen you in action.” It’s a taunt. I’m begging to see him sexed up and strong. It makes me quiver just thinking about it.
He gestures toward the academy. “Let’s go find out.”
Walking next to Jonah—my mate—on the way back to Greystone fills me with warring emotions. Nature begs me to be this close to him all the time, but there’s still that little part of me that’s blaring a warning not to let him in.
This slight step forward is nothing in the grand scheme of things. However, plants don’t grow in a day either. It takes a lot of different factors and processes, and the same happens with shifters, too. Well, shifters of the rejected variety. The only thing I can do is hope that we keep taking steps and eventually find ourselves where we always belonged.
12
I lied when I said I didn’t know if Jonah was a badass.
We’re supposed to be stronger and healthier in packs but that doesn’t mean there isn
’t infighting or arguments. I witnessed a fight between Jonah and another wolf once. I don’t remember what it was about, but Jonah kicked his ass in spectacular fashion. It was jaw-dropping, awe-inspiring, panty-melting goodness.
So, I’m not surprised that when we get approval from Ms. Ebon to use the gymnasium and lug all of his equipment from his truck to the gym that he blows me away with his agility and skills. He doesn’t even change into more comfortable clothes to do it either. Standing there in the black polo and jeans, he goes through what he calls a short warm-up. I have to watch that I don’t get caught gawking or drooling at his fine ass.
We didn’t realize until too late that the only thing I had to wear was my academy outfit. That didn’t mean I got out of the workout, he just promised to bring me appropriate clothes next time. Today, I’m stretching as he goes through some calisthenics.
Thankfully, when I unroll the skirt to its full length, I’m not showing off my goods while I stretch. Then again, the way I keep watching him, I’m wondering if I should roll it twice like Mia suggested.
I clear my throat. “So, I hear you emailed Ms. Ebon about my transgression the other day. Thank you.”
He stumbles, something I wouldn’t have noticed if I weren’t watching him like a hawk. “It wasn’t your fault. It was pure wolf instinct.”
I’m going to regret what I say next, but I do it anyway. “Still, administration was two seconds from kicking me out. They thought I was with another wolf.”
He stops mid jumping jack, and a growl rips from his chest. It’s so feral that it makes the tips of my toes tingle and arousal pool in my lower belly.
“Of course that would mean—”
“I know what it means,” he snaps, shoulders bunching. His skin starts to ripple as he loses control, and it makes me smile. “What are you smiling for?”
I nod toward the fur sprouting over his arms. “You don’t like the idea of me being with someone else.”
He grinds his teeth together, closes his eyes, and gets himself under control. A few moments later, it’s as if his outburst never happened. “Of course my wolf doesn’t like the idea of it.”
Hmm. My wolf. That sounds like a cop-out, but I don’t push him on it. I’m trying to be...nice. Normal, even. If that’s such a thing.
When silence stretches between us, my anxiety kicks in. All of Ms. Ebon’s notes are swimming in my head, so I ask the first thing that comes to mind to get to know him better. “So, do you like the idea of going into security for the alpha?”
Jonah turns toward me, the areas around his eyes tightening. A glean of sweat shines across his forehead from his exertion.
When he doesn’t respond for a long time, I start babbling. “You don’t have to answer. I was merely curious.”
He shakes his head. “It’s not that. I don’t think anyone’s ever asked me that question. But yes, it’s an important part of our pack life, and I’ll be honored to do it.”
Well, that sounded like a super political answer. “I bet it makes the sacrifice worth it since our future alpha is one of your good friends.” My voice comes out hard and strained. I don’t mean it to, but I never got along with the three big wolves at school. Our alpha, beta, and Jonah were the kings. They never participated outright in the name-calling and shaming, but they never stopped it either. Something the alpha’s son could’ve easily done. He wouldn’t have since his aunt was one of my mother’s accusers, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be bitter about it.
Before I can stop myself, I say, “I bet they pity you.” His head snaps up, but I’ve already committed, so I keep going. “When you found out I was your fated one, I bet Jesse and his family pitied you.”
The striking emerald in his eyes fades. He doesn’t need to confirm it for me because my thoughts weren’t exactly suspicions. I’ve watched my pack enough to know that some wolves are pitied when their mate is revealed. For me to be bonded with someone like Jonah, I’m considered lucky. It’s a definite rise in the pack. But I guess what no one ever thinks about is the other side. It’s not as if I somehow finagled fate to choose me for Jonah. I didn’t ask for it, so I certainly shouldn’t be ridiculed for it either. I’m sure they’re all having a field day back home. They probably had a mourning party for Jonah.
He rubs his chest again. I try to temper my emotions, but when I can’t, I groan. “Let’s just get started.” I stand, ready to do anything other than feel sorry for myself and have Jonah read me through the bond. “Remember that I’m wearing a skirt, and I’ll try my best.”
He huffs. “It’s not like I haven’t seen you before.”
His gruff voice sends a blaze of heat up my spine. “Yeah, well, none of those times worked out well for me, so I’m hoping we don’t have a repeat.”
I avoid his gaze. Whatever he feels about what I just said should be none of my business. I don’t want to see hurt in his eyes for fear I’ll feel bad, and I definitely don’t want to see relief that we’re on the same page either.
Seconds tick by, and I chance a glance at him. He’s still stretching, so I mirror his movements. Eventually, he says, “My parents take our work for the pack very seriously. That’s why I wanted you to have a sense of what we do. Obviously, I wouldn’t expect—” He pauses, pressing his lips together. “You know if this works out— Fuck,” he spits, shaking his head. “I wouldn’t expect you to have to participate if you didn’t want to. Not everyone is cut out for it. That’s all.”
That’s one of the first times I’ve seen him conflicted. “And you’re wondering if I am?”
“No, I’m fine with my mate doing whatever makes her happy, so you could do your flower shit. If you want.”
“Flower shit....” I chew on that one for a while. At least it’s something.
“I’m trying to open up to you, Kinsey. Christ. You make everything so damn difficult.”
My mouth moves, but no words come out. “I’m not trying to. This is the longest conversation I’ve ever had with anyone from Lunar, so—”
“Alright, alright.” He holds up his hands to stop me before we dissolve into an argument again. Gritting his teeth, he says, “There’s a lot of shit between us, but we have to try. I’m here. I’m willing to see where this goes. I know you have a whole bunch of opinions about me, and I have my own about you, but I’m here because I want to know if I’m right. Fate wouldn’t have paired us together just to ruin both of our fucking lives. So, can we tone down the fighting? We’ll never get anything accomplished if we can’t.”
I nearly fall off my feet. We’ve basically come to the same conclusion. No, it doesn’t erase anything that happened to me before, but he’s right. Fighting isn’t going to solve anything. In fact, it’s going to take me further away from what I want. Maybe there’s another way to deal with my hurt, and I shouldn’t place it solely on him anyway.
My lip curls. Ugh. That was so adult sounding.
“Is that a no?” Jonah asks, placing his hands on his hips.
“No, that’s a yes. I was thinking about something…stupid. Forget it.”
“Okay....” He rubs the back of his neck. “Also, I just want to say one thing before we start. I shouldn’t have made that comment about your—our—first kiss. I was out of line, and I apologize. I should’ve realized it was your first, and I don’t know, I just said what was on my mind, and I shouldn’t have. I understand why you ran away from me.”
My lips tingle at the mention of that kiss. My wolf, who’s been happily brimming at the surface this whole time Jonah and I have been close to one another, is practically coming out of her skin in excitement. I’m trying not to wrangle her under control, and as long as this nice Jonah sticks around, maybe I won’t have to. “Okay.”
“Okay?”
I nod, feeling a little lighter. An apology is something.
He releases a breath and then launches into his family’s history on protecting the alpha. Some of it I know from our own pack history, but it’s cool to hear it from his first
-person point of view and stories handed down from his ancestors. If I had waited, I wouldn’t have had to ask him if he enjoys what his life’s work will be. It’s clear he does. He takes it very seriously, and it’s good to see this passionate side of him. Plus, his family is making a difference in our pack. I’m not going to tell him right now but it’s kind of exciting.
“My aim in these classes isn’t to show you how to protect the alpha’s family yourself, but obviously it’s something I believe strongly in. I want my mate to be able to protect herself if the need arises.”
The use of my mate is doing funny things to my heart. “I like the idea, too,” I tell him, and he pauses at my words. “Didn’t expect that?” I ask.
“If I say not really will I have to apologize again?”
I chuckle. “No, you’re safe with that answer.”
“Good.” He keeps giving me looks as he moves closer. He takes one step and then stops. Then another, stopping again before moving even closer. I wonder if he’s aware he’s doing it. It’s as if he keeps stopping then realizing he wants to be that much closer to me so he automatically steps forward again. “So, I thought we could start with basic human defenses, then work our way into wolf defenses. Because of our nature, we’ll often shift first when we’re in danger, but there are some helpful things we can learn in our human form as well.”
We take the next hour to go through really basic self-defense moves. I don’t complain. Through this time together, I get to know him better. Not as the Jonah from school but as the real Jonah. The more he opens up, the more I find I like him. Plus, all this close contact is making my body short circuit. Since I’m determined to try instinct over mind, I really like when he touches me; molding my fists into the proper punching form; placing his hands on my hips when he’s showing me where my power should come from. Every time he does it, a zing passes between us like an electrical shock. If he feels it too, he doesn’t let on. He’s all business as we move through the different techniques, and I’m actually really happy with how much I’ve learned when the class winds down.