Meant to Be Me

by Wendy Hudson

  Darcy considered all the times when she would be upset by the stalker and Anja would stay over. The weeks after she’d kicked Jason out when they would fall asleep in each other’s arms, comforted and safe. “It didn’t feel that way to me. No matter what was going on inside your head, your heart, those moments would’ve been the same. They would’ve still happened because that’s us, Anja. That’s our friendship. You shouldn’t feel bad about that.”

  “Friendship.” The disappointment in Anja’s voice as she uttered the word kicked Darcy in the gut. The thought that this wonderful relationship she’d been part of was suddenly no longer enough for Anja frightened her. There was no going back from this. What if they couldn’t figure out a way forward?

  One thing was clear. Nothing would ever be the same.

  “I don’t know what to say, Anja. I never expected this. I’ll admit, in the early days I wondered about us sometimes, but there was Jason and it all seemed ridiculous. So I let it go.”

  “You did?” Anja looked genuinely surprised.

  “Aye. I mean, look at you.” Darcy smiled and cupped her cheek. “You’re crazy intelligent and beautiful. You have the ability to charm honey from the bees one minute, then sting like one the next. You’re so many things I was looking for in a girlfriend; instead, I found this amazing friend.”

  “I missed my chance, then?”

  Darcy pulled a tissue from the glovebox as Anja’s tears started again. “Honestly, sweetheart. I don’t know.” Darcy sighed. It was so much to take in. She felt in shock and heart sorry. She was unsure how to respond to Anja as the sinking feeling settled in that any fantasy she’d had about Anja in the past wasn’t buried, it was gone. The space was now taken up wholly by Eilidh. Last night—before that, if she were honest with her self—Eilidh had touched her. Not just physically, but emotionally, and no matter how hard she thought about it, she could not picture anyone else in her place.

  Not that she’d say that to Anja. Not now. That would be too cruel, and she loved her friend far too much to rub salt into the wounds she’d already inflicted.

  “I’m sorry, An.”

  “Don’t.” In the blink of an eye, Anja seemed to collapse in on herself, crumpled like a piece of paper. Darcy wanted to hug her, to take away the hurt, but this time she couldn’t. She suspected it would only hurt her more. She looked away and blinked tears from her eyes. God, she was sorry. She wished she’d never asked the bloody question.

  “Come on, I’ll take you home.”

  Darcy turned, and it was as though the wounded Anja had never been there. The walls had come up, and now Anja sat upright, her mouth set in a firm line. Darcy could only nod. She didn’t know what else to say; she was too stunned to find words.

  When they reached the cabin, Anja turned to her again, intensity in her stare. “All I ask, Darcy, is that you think about it. I know it might be weird because your idea of us as friends has never been challenged. But I want you to challenge it and consider it, because we work, Darcy. We really do. I’m prepared to take that further and risk it all, for the possibility of something truly wonderful.”

  Darcy swallowed back a lump in her throat. She couldn’t refuse. She loved this woman and would do anything to avoid hurting her further. She already knew what the outcome would be, but she owed this to Anja. Owed her the time and the head space.

  If only to consider how she would break her heart.

  How she was going to avoid losing her forever.

  She nodded. “I will.”

  Eilidh didn’t go home. She drove around aimlessly, annoyed with herself for leaving Darcy that way, particularly after what had happened the night before. She hated the thought of Darcy being out at the cabin alone.

  She’d also played right into Anja’s hands and given her the opportunity to turn Darcy’s head in another direction. As frustrating and scary as that was, she knew the conversation had to happen. Anja’s obvious feelings lingered over them like a grey cloud, and Eilidh couldn’t stand the anticipation of waiting for it to rain. For Anja to wash away what had been developing between her and Darcy.

  Or would it?

  Eilidh hadn’t imagined their night together. Hadn’t invented every touch or look from Darcy that made her heart swell and flutter. It wasn’t one-sided.

  So why wasn’t she fighting? Was she really going to give up on something with such promise, something so astonishing in its ability to completely undo her? The stalker hadn’t managed to put her off, so why should Anja? But could she really challenge someone who had been so important and present in Darcy’s life for so long?

  Damn right she could.

  Darcy at least needed all the facts, and Eilidh needed to stop being such a fucking coward.

  She pulled over and reached for her phone, tapping out a text to Darcy, telling her she was coming over to talk. She turned her car in the direction of the cabin. Now wasn’t the time to run away. It was the time to speak to Darcy like an adult and make it clear exactly how she felt.

  Chapter 50

  Darcy had ditched the crutch and limped from one room to another, unable to sit still. She tidied some things away, washed dishes, and ordered a stack of books on a shelf. Anything to avoid thinking about everything Anja had said.

  But it needled and demanded to be considered no matter how reluctant she was to go there. Anja had opened the box, and now Darcy was trapped inside. She finally grabbed a beer from the fridge and her cosiest hat and coat and moved to the porch.

  She lit the chiminea in the corner and swung idly in the chair Anja had helped her hang the summer before, sipping rhythmically from her bottle as the fire warmed her feet.

  Anja has feelings for me.

  How many times in their early days had she wondered if that were true? Hoped it were true? Now it had spun her around and left her feeling unwell.

  She hadn’t tried to contact Eilidh and didn’t think it was fair to until her mind had cleared and she was certain she was all in. That’s what Eilidh deserved.

  The crunch of gravel drew her attention to the lane, and a tingle of pleasure ran through her when she glimpsed Eilidh’s car. She watched from the swing as Eilidh parked, noted the serious expression on her face as she looked towards the front door before spotting Darcy on the porch. She looked annoyed, and Darcy braced herself, unsure if she could cope with both the women in her life turning everything upside down in the same day.

  “Hey,” Darcy croaked.

  “Hey.” Eilidh sauntered up the steps and leaned against the porch fence. “You didn’t reply to my text, but I came anyway. I thought we should talk.”

  “Sorry. My phone’s inside.” Darcy nodded in the direction of the door. “You want to grab a beer and join me out here?”

  With a beer in hand, Eilidh came back outside but sat in a chair opposite rather than next to Darcy on the swing. That stung a little, but then Eilidh couldn’t know how Darcy’s conversation had gone with Anja.

  “I’m sorry for showing up without calling or hearing back from you.” Eilidh broke the awkward silence.

  “Don’t be.” Darcy tried a reassuring smile. “I’m glad you’re here.”

  “Really? Did you talk to Anja?”

  Eilidh seemed almost afraid to ask and it choked Darcy that she was in that situation. “I did. We talked after you left, and you were right.”

  She watched as Eilidh heaved a breath and tears welled in her eyes. “You do have feelings for her, then? As more than a friend?”

  Darcy only hesitated a moment, but it was long enough. The bottle was thumped down on the porch, and Eilidh was on her feet. “I knew it. I knew there was something holding you back. All those times I texted and called, left messages asking to see you only for you not to respond or fob me off. Or leave me hanging for so long I ended up chasing once again.”

  She paced the length of the porch, and Dar
cy tried to interrupt. Her words weren’t making sense.

  “Wait.” Eilidh held up a palm in her direction. “I don’t want excuses. I just want to know why? Why would you string me along like this? One minute you’re there, you’re present and warm and kind and affectionate. You act as if you wouldn’t be anywhere else but with me. And last night… Well… But then you make excuses, or outright ignore me, and I’m left feeling like total shit.”

  “What? I haven’t…”

  “You have, Darcy. It’s always been on your terms. When you’re ready, when you have the time. The worst thing is I let you get away with it and I hate myself for that. I keep coming running, keep glossing over your behaviour because despite it all…” Her shoulders dropped, and she blew out a sigh. “I’m falling hopelessly in love with you.”

  Darcy sat dumbstruck, attempting to fathom everything Eilidh had said but finding herself stuck on the last sentence. “You’re what?”

  That moment. Those words. They answered all Darcy’s questions.

  It was Eilidh she wanted to be with. Eilidh who made her feel the way she’d always imagined she should. Eilidh who made her jump with every brush of skin, and Eilidh who had made her dream again of the future she had always hoped for.

  “I’m falling in love with you,” Eilidh said it again, and Darcy believed it.

  Darcy wanted to go to her, wanted to wrap her arms around Eilidh and hold her until she trusted that Darcy felt the same. But her other words came flooding back, and they hurt. “Eilidh, I—I don’t know what you’re talking about. The texts? The calls? Always doing the running? That’s how I’ve felt.”

  “You? There’s not a time I haven’t answered the phone to you or replied to your messages.”

  “Are you kidding me? You disappear all the time. I feel like if I didn’t finally cave and message you, we’d never see each other again. I figured with Claire and everything you’ve been through, you needed time. I’ve been choking on questions, trying to be sensitive and not push.” Eilidh was shaking her head and it annoyed Darcy. “Don’t do that. Don’t dismiss me. Admit it.”

  “Admit what? When have I ignored you?”

  “I can think of at least two times.”

  “Twice? Are you kidding me, Darcy? First of all, that’s crap. I would never leave you hanging the way you have me. And secondly, twice doesn’t even touch the way you’ve been. All for it one minute then cagey the next. Look.”

  She pulled out her phone and crossed to kneel in front of Darcy. “Right here.”

  Eilidh began to recite a conversation to Darcy. The words were unfamiliar, and Darcy felt a rush of cold dread move through her body, from her scalp to her heart. “Hang on, stop. Stop talking.” She tried to cut Eilidh off as she continued to reel off times Darcy hadn’t responded or had coldly dismissed plans and offers of company, but Eilidh kept going.

  “Eilidh, stop!” She grabbed for Eilidh’s phone. “I didn’t write those.”

  Darcy watched as confusion clouded Eilidh’s features. “What?”

  “Those texts. I didn’t write them. Eilidh, I swear. That’s not me.”

  They were quiet as Darcy’s mind swirled uncontrollably, trying to settle on an answer to how this had happened. The when? The what? Who?

  She saw recognition in Eilidh’s eyes, knew she had caught up. She believed Darcy. “I’m such an idiot.”

  “Seems we both are.” Darcy reached and pulled her on to the swing beside her. They sat close and stared out in to the woodland, searching for a solution as to how the deception had been achieved.

  When it hit Darcy, it felt as if lead were being poured over her body. Her limbs became immobilised with dread, and she wasn’t sure whether to cry or throw up. She knew when this had happened before but didn’t want to believe it. “Oh my fucking God.”

  “What?” Eilidh turned to meet her widened eyes. “Darcy, talk to me. You’re shaking.”

  “It can’t be. Tell me it can’t be. She wouldn’t.”

  “Who wouldn’t? Darcy you’re not making sense.”

  “Anja.” The name almost stuck in her throat but she forced it out in to the open.

  “Anja? You think she had something to do with this?”

  The memories came back in a rush. They knocked her back in to a cushion, and Eilidh’s hand gripped her arm. “Darcy, what’s wrong?”

  Eilidh’s voice faded to the background, and suddenly Darcy was in the hot tub, drinking cheap wine and laughing. Someone was with her. It was Anja. So Anja had got into the hot tub after all. Why would she lie about that?

  Oh fuck. Anja’s lips were on hers. She had kissed Anja in the hot tub. Or had Anja kissed Darcy? Then Darcy was pushing her away, and they were both crying. Shouting. She could see Anja kneeling in the snow. Then headlights in her rearview mirror, and she was crying again. All the while Anja’s voice pounding over and over in her ears: “I love you.”

  “All this time,” she whispered. “It’s been her.” Darcy tried piecing it all together, but the picture still wasn’t whole. “That night. She told me that night.”

  “Shit, shit, shit.” Eilidh’s swearing brought her back to the porch. “Are you sure? What do you remember?”

  “Enough.” Darcy broke down in tears. “I remember enough.”

  Chapter 51

  The silence was torture. Anja couldn’t bear it.

  She rechecked her phone, but still nothing from Darcy. What had she expected? It had only been a few hours, and she’d left Darcy with a heap of confessions to digest. The longer it was, the less likely Anja knew that she’d hear what she wanted, and that thought shredded her insides.

  A weight bore down on her, one she had yet to unload and share with Darcy.

  Her true identity.

  It had seemed too much in the moment. The night of the accident had sat in the fore of her mind, urging her not to go too far, not to blow it again. It told her if Darcy felt the same, then she would understand the rest. She would have to.

  Darcy would never know she was the stalker.

  That needed to be buried deep, nailed shut in a box never to resurface. Their shared history, Anja’s origins, and their familial ties were one thing. But Anja’s journey to this point had to remain hers alone.

  Her mother’s voice chided her.

  “How could you allow this to happen? How could you fall in love with her?”

  Anja pleaded with her to stop.

  “I’m so sorry, Mum. Please understand? I couldn’t help it.”

  But as always, she was relentless.

  “You’re nothing but a failure. I knew you wouldn’t be strong enough for this. I knew you would let me down.”

  Anja held back her tears. She wouldn’t give her mother any more of them.

  “What else can I do? I’ve given you years of my life. I tried my best. But this isn’t the way. You have to let go. You have to let me go.”

  “So that’s it. No one will pay for my death? You can forget about me that easily?”

  Forget? How could Anja ever forget? About her sorry excuse for a childhood and the path towards death that her mother had chosen. She saw that now. It hadn’t been anyone else’s decision but her own.

  She shook the voice off. It wouldn’t control her anymore. She didn’t need it, didn’t want it. This was a chance for her life to finally be her own, lived on her terms with a semblance of happiness within reach.

  What if Darcy says no?

  Could she live with that? Watch Darcy as she fell in love with someone else? Fulfilled her dreams and ambitions with a stranger whilst Anja watched from the side-lines. She knew nothing would be the same, but what if it was worse? What if Darcy dropped out of her life completely? Left her job, moved away, broke all contact.

  The thought was terrifying and left Anja numb.

  She could never allow that to h
appen, wouldn’t stand by and watch her dreams walk away.

  Her phone beeped, and she flinched. Darcy’s name shone out from a text, and her stomach churned with the possibility that it was good as well as the abject fear that it was bad. With a trembling hand, she tapped on the message.

  Come to the cabin. We need to talk. D

  Eilidh had begged Darcy to call the police, to leave it in their hands, but Darcy wasn’t ready. She needed answers now, and they had to come direct from Anja or she wasn’t sure she’d believe any of it.

  As Anja’s car pulled up by the cabin, panic threatened to get the better of her. Eilidh rubbed her back soothingly and laid a firm kiss on her cheek. “I’m right here if you need me. I won’t interfere, but I’m here.”

  She moved to sit in the armchair, and Darcy smiled gratefully. “Thank you for staying.”

  A tentative tap came at the door, and that unsettled her even more. Anja never knocked.

  “Come in,” she called. Rooted to the spot, she leaned back against the sofa for support as Anja stepped inside. She hadn’t been prepared for the moment she would stand in front of Darcy again. Bright and beautiful, almost every inch of her mind and soul had been known to Darcy, or so she had thought.

  Anja glanced across the room, and confusion shrouded her features when she realised Eilidh was there. “I thought we were going to talk.”

  “We are.” Darcy’s voice shook, and she took a breath to steady it. “I wanted Eilidh here. This affects her too.”

  “It does?” Anja remained confused, and Darcy hated with every fibre what she was about to ask. If she was right, it would unravel everything Darcy thought she knew, about Anja, about herself. If she was wrong, it would be an unforgivable betrayal that she could accuse her friend of such a horrendous thing. But nothing else fitted with the memories from that night, and it was clear Anja had already been dishonest with her about what had happened.