the Art of Breaking Up

by Elizabeth Stevens

  “Yeah. Heaven forbid,” I said sarcastically and he smiled.

  Dad wasn’t a health nut, per se, but he encouraged healthy eating and liked to teasingly discourage Koby and I from eating too much junk food. The difference between him and Mum was that Dad never forbade us from doing anything. He knew that was a sure way to ensure we’d do it. Mum, on the other hand, didn’t have the same patience as him.

  “How’s school? Lisa?” he asked.

  I nodded. “Fine. Fine. We started the next book in English. I got a B for my History essay. Lisa, of course, got an A.”

  Dad grinned. “Of course she did.”

  “When’s your next blood test?”

  “Later tonight. They thought they’d do it when they plug me into the next round of antibiotics.”

  I nodded. “Fair enough. No idea how that’s going?”

  He shook his head. “Not yet. They lab’s running some tests to see what’s going to hit it hardest, but until then, they’ve just had to make an educated guess.”

  I didn’t know much about medicine, but that sounded reasonable to me.

  The door to Dad’s room opened.

  “Oh, Norah. Hi, darling.”

  Mum looked taken aback, as though her daughter was the last person she expected to see visiting her husband in hospital.

  I stood up. “I should probably get going,” I said with a forced smile to Dad.

  He looked me over and, for a second, I thought he saw right through me. But he just nodded.

  “Sure. You okay to get home?”

  I nodded. “I drove.”

  “Do you need money for parking?” Mum asked.

  I shook my head again. “Thanks. I’m fine.”

  “Oh, okay. I’ll see you at home then.”

  “Yep. See you at home. I’ll talk to you tonight,” I said to Dad.

  “Definitely, Norah. Talk to you tonight.”

  I shouldered my way past Mum with a terse nod, then made off down the corridor like I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.

  So, what happened?

  Of course it did.

  One. More. Time.

  Seriously, I dared fate to make me almost run into Wade one more time.

  See what I did to it then.

  “Norah,” he said and I didn’t blame him for being surprised to see me there.

  He was in ugg boots, track pants and his Matric bomber. And I was still in my uniform.

  The combo looked good on him, I wasn’t going to lie. But then, most things looked good on him. He had that annoying ability to look good in anything. My newfound aptitude for picturing him sexually had no problems coming up with ideas just then. It had no problem understanding exactly what it was about him that made girls want him. I could easily picture him and me having sex. The worst part was that I wasn’t quite as disgusted about it as I wanted to be.

  “Wade,” I huffed.

  “Dad still here?” he asked.

  I nodded. “Gran still here?”

  He nodded. “One minute, she looks like she’s going home. The next, it doesn’t look so good.”

  “Oh. Sorry.”

  I noticed his eyes were behind me and I looked back to see my mum hovering half way in Dad’s door. I didn’t know or care if she wanted to come after me.

  My heart beat frantically in my chest and that palpable…something that had hung between Wade and I for the last ten days felt thick enough to cut with a knife. I felt transparent. And not in a good way. I felt like there were neon signs all over my body that were broadcasting my every thought and feeling and emotion. And, to make matters worse, I was sure Wade was the only one who could see them.

  He cleared his throat. “Are you… Uh. Is everything okay, Norah?” he asked stiltedly, like he wasn’t used to caring about anyone but himself.

  I scoffed. “Of course everything’s okay,” I answered sarcastically. “Why would my perfect life not be okay? What do I have to complain about?”

  His eyes widened before he schooled his expression.

  “Uh. Good. I’m glad.” He cleared his throat again and looked behind me for a moment. “But if you…ever had a problem concerning, for example, parental issues… Well, then I might know a thing or two about…that.”

  “I’m fine. Thanks.”

  “I’m serious, Norah.”

  “So am I, Wade.”

  “Okay. Just… I’m here if you ever needed to talk. About anything.”

  The seriousness and sincerity that had come between us was a little too much for me to handle, especially just then. So I did what I did best with Wade.

  “If there was a problem – which there isn’t – but, if there was, then you would be the last person I would come to for help,” I informed him scathingly. “As in, not even if you were the last person on Earth would I come to you for help.”

  He nodded his head and pursed his lips like he was trying not to give me his preferred reply. “You’d probably have a few more issues if I was the last person on Earth. Chief among those, you’d be dead.”

  I huffed.

  No words.

  Not one scathing or witty remark came to me.

  It was like my brain was too tired. I didn’t have the energy for this dance anymore. Which was weird, because it was one of my favourite past times; trading insults with Wade.

  So, all I had for him was, “Shut up,” before I turned and walked away.

  I tried not to think about Wade and his stupid statement the whole way home.

  It didn’t work.

  Back in my room, pacing like a caged-up lion at the zoo, I couldn’t help going over them for about the millionth time. It wasn’t just the words. It had been the way he’d said them. It intrigued me. It made me wonder.

  I was less scared now that he was going to find anything out and throw it callously in my face.

  I was scared for a whole other reason.

  Because he had me starting to wonder.

  It was like he actually knew about my problems. Like he actually knew and he actually cared and, maybe, he’d actually understand.

  Chapter Eight

  Wade’s words filled my head.

  Had he meant them?

  Would he really be there? Even when he found out what it was?

  It wasn’t like I’d done anything to earn it. I was man enough to admit that.

  The first time I saw him on Wednesday, I was ready to lash out at him. I knew it stemmed mostly from my annoyance that he dared to care. Not just that he dared to care, but also that he’d made me question who I knew he was.

  He already had me thinking about him unfavourably after his little sex comment. I didn’t need to be thinking about him in a different light emotionally as well as physically. Especially when I didn’t want to be thinking about him at all. I was quite comfortable with who we were to each other. I had enough change coming up in my life to have that turned on its head too.

  As we passed in the corridor, our eyes met and it felt like time slowed. Every. Time.

  I got this antsy feeling, deep in my stomach. I simultaneously wanted to punch something and break down and cry. I wanted to say scathing things to him, confident that that would make me feel better.

  But nothing came to mind.

  Unhelped by the fact that he did nothing to warrant me unleashing a torrent of verbal whoop-arse on him.

  Nothing.

  Zilch.

  Nada.

  Nil.

  He was perfectly apologetic and sincere if we got in each other’s way.

  He wasn’t busy trying to see how many girl’s throats he could get his tongue down before the end of the week.

  He didn’t say anything arrogant or annoying or infuriating.

  It only made the antsy feeling worse.

  And Lisa was in heaven.

  “He hasn’t touched a single member of the opposite sex ALL day. Like nothing. Not at all,” she said, h
er eyes glued to him with giddy glee.

  I looked towards where he was sitting with his friends and shrugged. “Maybe he’s got mono?” I suggested.

  Erin scoffed. “You think that would stop him?”

  I had to be off my A-game if I hadn’t thought of that. “Yeah, nah. Probably not,” I admitted.

  “I doubt he’s got mono,” Lisa said, like it was the stupidest idea.

  “Why?” I asked, sneering a little more than I meant to. “Because he’s so perfect.”

  Lisa smiled at me, not going to let a little thing like my bad mood bring her down. “He sure is. Good to see you’ve noticed.”

  Lisa’s enduring thing for Wade was old at the best of times. But, when I was dealing with family problems in the form of impending family implosion, Wade problems in the form of picturing him half naked once or twice…a day, and you factored in school musical season fast approaching, then her thing wasn’t just old, it was unbearable.

  She could never be unbearable. I’d love her with my dying breath. But I was kinda expecting that she wasn’t still in love with him with her dying breath. At least, I hoped not. Because another seventy or eighty-odd years of putting up with her deep Wade love was going to make loving her very tiring.

  “He’s not perfect,” I told her. “He’s…”

  But my brain had nothing.

  Looking at him across the Common Room, my brain was trying very hard to make me forget he was the stuck up, womanising, jerk I knew he was. In fact, I couldn’t quite remember why I knew he was. I was having trouble remembering what he’d done to earn that description from me.

  All I saw was the attractive, popular, funny guy. Beloved by his friends. Nice to teachers. Good enough with the ladies to still have them lining up and falling for his charms.

  “If you can’t think of anything,” Lisa said, “I’m going to have to assume you’re going with perfect.”

  I rolled my eyes. “I can think of a great many things,” I told her.

  “Yeah? Like what?”

  I looked at my phone in my lap. “None of them are appropriate for school.”

  Erin and Lisa both laughed, but took me at my word. Neither of them argued with me and neither of them demanded to hear what terrible thing I was thinking about Wade. They just went on talking about who was hooking up with who and what the plans were for the weekend.

  “I’m seeing Hollard again,” Lisa said and my ears pricked up.

  “Hollard again?” I asked.

  She nodded, a sly grin being woefully hidden. “He fair begged and I’m not totally heartless.”

  No. Not totally heartless. As in enough heart to maybe be thinking about possibly moving on from Wade. Maybe.

  Maybe all she needed was a nudge? Maybe the right guy?

  Lisa had as many guys lined up as Wade had girls, surely one of them would be interesting enough for Lisa to give more than a passing notice to? But which one? Musical season was – as I’d previously noted – fast approaching. There was potential of something with one of those guys, there always was. All that romance of staring opposite each other. It was hard not to let the emotion of the characters sweep you away on a whirl-wind, short-lived romance destined to end as soon as the final curtain fell.

  Or so Lisa would have me believe.

  Still, that was better than nothing.

  While I tuned out whatever Lisa and Erin were talking about, I started trying to formulate a plan. A plan that involved moving Lisa on from Wade for good. All I needed was a guy. And, as much as it was great news that she was giving Hollard a second chance, we all knew that he wasn’t getting a third.

  Meanwhile, I tried to keep my eyes off Wade to the point I felt like I was going to explode if I didn’t look at him. Every time I gave in, he was looking at me. I told myself there was nothing more than the normal amount of mutual disdain and annoyance there.

  But by Thursday, it was getting harder to deny that the expression on his face when he looked at me was kindly concern. Wade had never been one for the long game, even after he became a jackarse. I had to admit that he was probably not trying to lull me into a false sense of security. Wade was an arrogant flirt and a cocky tease; he wasn’t totally malicious.

  Dad was finally coming home. He’d had no more fevers for seventy-two hours and they were confident the antibiotics were working. When I got the text, it made everything better and worse at the same time.

  And Wade’s words got louder in my head.

  My brain was full of noise. It was senseless and I couldn’t properly separate one thought from another. All I knew was it was too busy and I needed respite from it all. I didn’t care what form that took, so I found myself starting to message Wade.

  I never sent them.

  But I had to have started about a dozen different messages to him.

  And each message I started writing, the further through finishing one I got.

  I knew it was ridiculous. I knew it was pointless. There was absolutely no reason why it made sense to message Wade of all people to unload my crap. Lisa was my best friend. If I couldn’t tell her, then why was I entertaining the notion of telling Wade?

  I sat at the dinner table, my eyes darting between the silent figures of my parents while Koby talked about his day. Was he really so oblivious to our parents that he didn’t notice they were just sitting there not talking to each other? There hadn’t even been a pass the salt – not that we did pass the salt. If Koby hadn’t been filling the silence, then the room would have no doubt echoed with the sound of cutlery hitting crockery.

  I’d never been more thankful that my brother could talk the ear off a stalk of corn.

  If that was even a saying.

  When Mum was done eating, I watched her get up from the table and take her plate to the dishwasher, still without a word. It was stifling. I’d never known silence to be stifling before. She smiled at me and ruffled Koby’s hair on her way past.

  “I’ve got some work to do. You guys help yourself to dessert,” she said on the way out.

  My eyes flickered to Dad. He looked as if he couldn’t be less bothered. His head was down and he was so focussed on his meal. I wasn’t sure if he was hiding something or just really happy to not be eating hospital food anymore.

  “Oh,” Koby said. “What’s for dessert?”

  Dad looked up with a smile.

  “You didn’t make something just when you’ve got home?” I asked him.

  Dad’s smile widened. “What else was I going to do all day?”

  ‘Talk to your wife’, was on the tip of my tongue, but I bit it to keep quiet. Last thing Dad needed when he’d just got home was me being a dick.

  “Still not told me what it is,” Koby pressed, ever the dessert connoisseur.

  “Cheesecake,” Dad said.

  “Yes!” Koby cheered.

  I was feeling less victorious, despite sharing my brother’s love for cheesecake.

  Mum hated cheesecake. Cheesecake meant only one thing; Mum wasn’t expected back at the dinner table that night. Or, even worse, it meant that Dad had made it on purpose, knowing she didn’t like it.

  And he’d never made something someone didn’t like on purpose before.

  It seemed nearly two weeks away from each other might have only served to drive them even further apart and there was no one I could talk to about it.

  For some reason, talking to Koby about it would make it feel all too real. That and, if he honestly had no idea, I didn’t want to have to deal with bumming him out while I was trying to deal with my own bummed-outed-ness.

  I couldn’t bring myself to message Lisa. I didn’t know why. I got my phone out, intending to, but I just couldn’t type the words, much less press send on an empty message. It was like telling her was going to make it more real as well. I didn’t think I could bear the pity in her eyes as I had to tell her that my life was falling apart.

  “I – uh… I’ve got homework
,” I said quietly and both Dad and Koby looked at me in horror.

  I didn’t blame them. Not once in my life had I voluntarily gone up to my room to do my homework. My parents spent my junior school years forcefully plonking me at the dining table and supervising me for as long as it took to get the work done. They’d complained the dentist had managed to get teeth out of me more smoothly and easily than anyone had been able to get homework out of me.

  The fact I was not only volunteering to do my homework, but that I was implying I’d miss cheesecake for it… Well, I was afraid I’d given myself away.

  “What?” Koby laughed. “Since when?”

  I shrugged. “Since it’s my last year and I kinda need to do well if I’m gonna get into my course.”

  “What did you end up picking?” Koby asked as Dad said, “That B really shook you, huh?”

  I shrugged again. “Engineering. And I guess so.” It was good enough to hopefully get me out of there before I started hyperventilating in front of them.

  Dad nodded. “I’ll send Koby up with a slice for you.”

  “Yeah,” Koby scoffed. “Like that’ll make it.”

  “There’s a whole cheesecake to eat between the two of you, I think you can take your sister a single slice,” Dad said as I walked out.

  “I just don’t know if I can sacrifice a whole slice,” Koby replied.

  “She’s your little sister. She’s the only one you’ll ever have…” I heard Dad saying at I jogged up the stairs.

  Yeah, the only one he had until you remarry and we get step-siblings to replace us… I thought as I flung myself on the bed like some Disney princess who’d just come across the smallest inconvenience.

  I rolled over, feeling the action was slightly too overly-dramatic even for me, and stared at my ceiling. It wasn’t like there was even anything interesting up there. It was just plain white, same as all the ceilings in our house. But it was way more interesting than whatever was going on in my head.

  My phone was still in my hand. It weighed it down like an omen. Like one of Lisa’s portents from her Greek tragedies.

  As I lifted my hand to look at it, the desire to reach out to someone came over me again. I didn’t know what I’d say. I didn’t know who I’d say it to. I didn’t want to talk about it. I did want to talk about it. I wanted to talk to no one. I wanted to talk to someone.