Tender Loving Care

by Andrew Neiderman

  “Look how she sleeps,” she said. “So peacefully. Remember when she was an infant and we would sit here by the crib and watch her breathing and her little eyelids flutter.”

  “Yes.”

  “Sometimes I wished she would be a baby forever and we could keep her snug and warm.”

  “It wouldn’t have been fair to her.”

  “No, but it would have been always a happy time.”

  “We’ll still be happy,” I said. She didn’t say anything. “Dr. Turner says we should go downstairs and relax in the living room. He’s making important calls about Mrs. Randolph. He wants us to wait until he’s finished.”

  Miriam nodded obediently. She stood up, and I put my arm around her. She leaned her head against my shoulder as we turned and walked out of Lillian’s room together. I had a terrible feeling of foreboding then, but I tried not to let Miriam sense it.

  When we returned to the living room, I went back to my book and she continued her knitting. We put the records on again, and we sat there contentedly, almost frozen in time. I saw the police car pull up to the house, but I didn’t go to the door. Dr. Turner took care of them. He saw to it that we weren’t disturbed very much. They kept their voices down. I couldn’t hear what they were saying, but I could tell that the policemen were listening carefully to everything Dr. Turner told them.

  I heard them go outside and saw them go around back. I still felt secure so I was able to concentrate on my reading. Dr. Turner came in a few times to tell us that it was all going well and it wouldn’t be much longer. Miriam thanked him and I nodded.

  More phone calls were made. Another police car arrived and then an ambulance. I started to feel nervous but kept good control of myself for Miriam’s sake. When I saw them carry a stretcher around back, it became impossible for me to concentrate on what I was reading. Not long afterward, I saw them return to the ambulance. Mrs. Randolph was covered, but I knew it was she because I saw those ugly white shoes. I didn’t see them carry out the doll.

  I got up and went to the window. Outside, Dr. Turner stood talking with a gathering of policemen. Every once in a while, one of them would look my way, but when I stared back, he turned to the doctor again. Finally, he shook a few hands and the little powwow broke up.

  Dr. Turner remained out there until the ambulance left. Only one of the patrol cars followed. The others remained behind. Two policemen from one of those cars joined him, and they all turned to the house. When it was obvious they were coming in, I went back to my seat. Miriam looked up quizzically.

  “Is something wrong, Michael?”

  “No. Everything’s fine.” She smiled.

  We heard Dr. Turner and the two policemen come in. The policemen waited in the hall as Dr. Turner came into the living room. He sat down beside Miriam.

  “Well,” he said, “it’s all over now.”

  “That’s good.”

  “Can I get you something to eat or drink?” Miriam asked.

  “No, thank you. Actually, we’ve all got to be going.”

  “I appreciate your coming up here to help us,” Miriam said. “And Michael appreciates it, too, don’t you, Michael?”

  “Of course.”

  “Yes, well, when I said we’ve all got to be going, I meant you too, you and Michael. Michael has to see some people, and we don’t want you left alone.”

  “I can wait for him. I’ve waited for him before. I’m not afraid to stay here.”

  “It could be a long time before he comes back.”

  “What do you mean? How long?”

  “More than a few hours,” I said quickly. Dr. Turner appreciated my aid.

  “But what about Lillian?” she asked. There was a long moment of silence, and then Dr. Turner took Miriam’s hand in his.

  “I’ve thought of that,” he said. “I didn’t want to alarm either of you, but I’ve sent for another ambulance to take Lillian to the hospital.”

  “Oh no, why?”

  “She needs some additional treatments. Now you wouldn’t want her to get very sick, would you?” he added quickly.

  “No,” Miriam said. She looked down. Her voice was so small. I had to turn away.

  “You’ll be there with her,” he said. “In the next room. You’ll even be able to sleep there.”

  “I will?” She brightened considerably.

  “Sure.”

  “But ... what about Michael?”

  “He’ll come to see you as soon as he can.”

  Miriam looked at me for confirmation. I stared at Dr. Turner. He made an almost indistinguishable nod toward the two policemen waiting in the hall.

  “That’s right, Miriam.”

  “Then I’ve got to go up and pack some of her things.”

  “OK,” Dr. Turner said. “I’ll wait for you. I’m going to take you there myself in my car.”

  “What about Michael?”

  “Michael has to go with these policemen.”

  “Why?” She looked out at them as though she had noticed them for the first time. They didn’t smile; they didn’t move. They looked the most frightened of all. I nearly laughed.

  “They want to talk to me about Mrs. Randolph,” I said. I wanted to show Dr. Turner I knew everything.

  “That’s right.”

  “Oh,” Miriam said. She put her knitting down softly and stood up. “I won’t be long.”

  “Do you need any help?” I asked her.

  “No, that’s all right.” She started for the door. The two policemen stepped back and out of view. I stood up.

  “Miriam!”

  “Yes, Michael?”

  I went to her and took her hand. I brought it to my cheek and held it there with my eyes closed.

  “What is it, Michael?”

  “I love you,” I said. She smiled.

  “I know that, Michael.”

  I released her hand, and she started out again.

  Dr. Turner stepped up beside me and put his hand on my shoulder. I looked at the two policemen in the hall. To me they looked embarrassed now, and I actually felt sorry for them. I turned to watch Miriam go up the stairs. When she was gone, I said, “OK, let’s get started. The quicker we get this over with, the better for everyone.”

  “That’s the right attitude, Michael. Don’t worry about Miriam. I’ll see to her needs.”

  “This time there better not be any Mrs. Randolphs,” I said. I made my eyes as small and as threatening as she used to make hers. He got the point.

  They followed me as I walked out of the house. It was twilight now, a beautiful time of day at the farm. The lingering rays of the sun wove in and out of the trees, making the forest mysterious and dreamlike. With the light within them, some of the leaves looked illuminated. Thousands of emeralds dangled before me.

  I stopped at the top of the porch steps. For a moment I felt like a little boy again. I had just finished supper. My mother was washing the dishes, and my father had remained in the kitchen to discuss business with her. I could hear their murmuring voices behind me, trapped in the house.

  Now I was free, and if I wanted to I could run down the porch steps and into the forest while there was still some light. I could press my ear against a large maple or oak and listen for the earth’s heartbeat. It was a childhood theory of mine. I told no one about it, not even Miriam. But sometimes ... sometimes I was sure that I heard it: a faint thump, thump, thump. I kept it as my secret. I knew something about the world that no one else knew.

  I wanted to tell Lillian so she might do it too when she was alone and no one could laugh at her.

  But I had never told her, and I suddenly realized that of all the things I had failed to do in my life, that was the one I regretted the most.

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