The Anxiety of Kalix the Werewolf

by Martin Millar

  “I’m not joking. I really have lost it.”

  Daniel started searching through all his pockets.

  “How could you lose it?” asked Moonglow. “The ticket office is only twenty yards away.”

  Daniel looked around. “Maybe it dropped out of my pocket? Oh wait, here it is! I forgot I had a pocket there. It’s this new jacket, I’m not used to it.”

  “Is everybody ready now?” asked Dominil.

  “I’ve lost my ticket,” said Beauty.

  “So have I,” added Delicious.

  “You never had your tickets,” said Dominil. “I have them.”

  They showed their tickets to the young woman at the door and entered the cinema.

  “The previews are on already,” said Beauty, as they walked down the aisle.

  “Previews!” cried Vex. “I love previews!”

  Vex had never been to the cinema before, so how she could love previews was a mystery. Moonglow and Dominil guided everyone to a row in the middle of the cinema. Before taking their seats, Vex looked around, and waved to some people in the next row.

  “It’s my birthday,” she shouted. She pointed to Kalix. “It’s her birthday too.”

  “Stop embarrassing me,” hissed Kalix.

  Vex waved cheerfully to several other people before taking her seat. After a few moments she turned to Kalix. “Is this the film now?”

  “No, it’s an advert.”

  “I hate adverts,” said Vex.

  There was a brief commotion as Beauty dropped a large bucket of popcorn on the floor and then scrambled to retrieve it. Delicious collapsed with laughter at the sight, and Beauty started laughing too, still scrambling on the floor. Moonglow had never seen Dominil look embarrassed before, but as she looked along the row, she thought that the white-haired werewolf might just have sunk a little further down in her seat, trapped as she was with the twins, in a public place, while they made an exhibition of themselves.

  “Shove over, Daniel,” said Vex. “Stop hogging the armrest.”

  “I’m not hogging the armrest!” protested Daniel. “I was here first.”

  “Moonglow, Daniel’s hogging the armrest!”

  “No, I’m not!”

  Daniel was in no mood to give in to Vex. He’d already had to struggle with her to ensure that he sat next to Moonglow. For a few moments Daniel’s plans had hung in the balance, but he’d finally managed to maneuver Moonglow to the outside of their group, with him next in line. He could easily put his arm around her without anyone else noticing.

  Vex stared at the figures on screen. “Is this the Runaways?” she asked, loudly.

  “Of course it’s not the Runaways, it’s an advert for potato chips!” said Kalix.

  “Oh . . . will the Runaways be here soon?”

  “Yes.”

  “Will they be in the next advert?”

  “No.”

  “Don’t they get to be in any adverts?” asked Vex.

  “Why would they be in the adverts?”

  “To advertise their film? Can’t they do that?”

  “The Runaways won’t be in any adverts!” said Kalix, and started to feel cross. “They’re only in the film. Stop being stupid.”

  Vex turned to Daniel. “They should have the Runaways advertising these potato chips. It would definitely make me want to buy them.”

  There were a few seconds of silence. Vex leaned over Kalix toward the twins.

  “Did anyone buy any potato chips? Now I really want some.”

  There were a few dissatisfied mutterings from elsewhere in the cinema as other visitors started to regret being at the same showing as such a noisy party.

  “Will everyone keep quiet!” hissed Moonglow.

  “Sorry!” shouted Vex.

  “I’ve dropped my popcorn again,” wailed Beauty.

  Moonglow and Dominil shrank in their seats and hoped, rather desperately, that things might calm down when the film started. As the adverts and previews came to an end, Kalix suddenly felt very excited at the prospect of watching the film about her favorite band. She focused on the screen, ignoring everything around her. Vex and the twins finally fell silent. Daniel inched closer to Moonglow. He felt the warmth of their arms touching.

  I’m sure Moonglow’s deliberately leaning on me, he thought. This is going to be perfect. First I’ll put my arm around her and then I’m going to kiss her.

  CHAPTER 11

  “I’ve never been lucky in romance,” admitted Thrix. “I got off to a bad start. The first disaster happened when I was nine years old.”

  The Fire Queen leaned forward eagerly. “Really? Tell me all about it.”

  “I had a crush on Bobby MacPhee. He sat next to me in class. He had spiky black hair. I was fascinated by it. And he gave me sweets at playtime.”

  Malveria nodded sagely. “A young Lothario, with his fascinating hair and generous ways. I can see the attraction.”

  “He was a popular werewolf,” agreed Thrix. “All the girls at the castle liked him. But I had an advantage, sitting next to him in class. He asked if I’d like to meet up some time.”

  “For a date?”

  “Well, sort of. A nine-year-old date.”

  “Excellent,” said Malveria. “The other girls at the castle must have bristled with anger. What happened?”

  “One evening when the full moon was out, Bobby shouted up at my window, asking if I wanted to come out. Which I did, obviously. For a play fight.”

  The Fire Queen was surprised. “A fight? Surely an odd choice for your first date? Was there no restaurant nearby?”

  “Well, when werewolf children go out as werewolves, they have a lot of play-fights. It’s normal behavior.”

  Thrix frowned, remembering the occasion. “Unfortunately, I got carried away and almost severed his jugular vein. If Doctor Angus hadn’t been visiting the castle, poor Bobby would have bled to death.”

  “Ah.” Malveria nodded. “I take it the romance did not continue?”

  “Bobby’s parents told my mother if I ever went near him again they’d make a formal complaint to Baron MacPhee. It was all very embarrassing. But really, I didn’t know I was that powerful. We were strong children, the Thane’s family.” Thrix sighed. “I spent the next few years being called the ‘blonde bully’ by the other werewolves in class. I never had another date at school.”

  Malveria sipped from her glass of red wine. “But did you not once mention you’d had a teenage romance with an older werewolf?”

  Thrix screwed up her face. “Only because I’d had too much to drink.”

  “Tell me all about it.”

  “I’d rather not.”

  “Of course,” said Malveria. “But tell me about it anyway. You are quite diverting me from my previous unhappiness over the dreadful Kabachetka.”

  Thrix filled her wine glass. “His name was John MacAndris. He was an artist. Quite a good artist. He lived in Edinburgh. I really fell for him.”

  “Ah.” The Fire Queen nodded. “An artist. They can be alluring, for a while. Was he handsome?”

  “Quite handsome. He had this air of . . .” Thrix struggled for the correct description. “Well, he seemed exciting, with his exhibitions, and critics writing reviews in the Scotsman and the Glasgow Herald. I dated him for about three months. I took care to keep it secret. Because my mother wouldn’t have approved, with him being a lot older than me.”

  “Did he paint you naked?” asked Malveria eagerly.

  Thrix laughed. “No! Why did you ask that?”

  “I just thought it might have happened.”

  “He was mainly an abstract expressionist. No naked models. Well, not me anyway.”

  The Fire Queen was disappointed. “Surely any artist with spirit would have attempted to scandalously paint you naked? One hardly sees the point otherwise.”

  “It didn’t take any naked pictures to cause a scandal. I turned up unexpectedly at one of his exhibitions. Unfortunately, his wife did too.”


  “His wife? Did you know he was married?”

  Thrix looked uncomfortable. “I pretended to everyone afterward that I didn’t. But I did know really. I was only a teenager. I sort of thought it was all right, with him being an artist. I persuaded myself that him having a young lover was probably just normal artistic behavior.” Thrix shuddered. “Apparently it wasn’t. Mind you, I don’t think that his wife traveling all the way from Edinburgh to the castle just to shout abuse at me was normal behavior either.”

  Thrix found that she’d finished her wine rather quickly, and refilled both of their glasses.

  “It was a huge scandal. There were even suggestions of removing me from the Great Council, though Mother wouldn’t hear of that.” Thrix shook her head. “That was another early romantic trauma. But I was naive. Growing up in Castle MacRinnalch was fine for learning about being a werewolf but it didn’t really prepare you for life outside.”

  Thrix looked thoughtful. “It was one reason I left to join Minerva on her mountaintop, to get away from the gossip. Minerva didn’t care one way or the other about affairs or scandals. I appreciated that.”

  CHAPTER 12

  Empress Kabachetka walked delicately over the bridge of blue crystal that spanned one of the great lava-filled gorges beside her palace. Adviser Distikka accompanied her.

  “Should I send Sarapen to the Western Desert?”

  “You asked me that already,” said Distikka.

  “So?” said Empress Kabachetka. “There is no rule that says an Empress cannot ask an adviser for an opinion more than once.”

  “Unfortunately for me.”

  The Empress laughed. “Distikka, you are amusing. Once your insolence would have upset me. Not any more. Have you noticed how I have rapidly matured since becoming Empress?”

  Distikka declined to reply. The Empress checked her lips in a small mirror she carried in her handbag. The bag, a recent acquisition from Paris, had been sorcerously treated by the Empress to enable it to withstand the fiery temperatures of her realm.

  “This lip coloring is not entirely satisfactory. Should I let Sarapen go and fight in the desert?”

  “What you’re really asking me,” replied Distikka, “is do I know any way of making Sarapen fall in love with you?”

  “That is not what I’m asking at all!” declared the Empress. She frowned and glanced in the mirror again. “But if I was asking you that, what would you reply?”

  “I’d say that I have little insight into affairs of the heart,” said Distikka. “Never having participated in them myself.”

  The Empress was dissatisfied. “You must have some experience, Distikka. Did you not seduce General Agrippa, and cause him to rebel against Queen Malveria?”

  “I suppose I did. But the General was so blinded by ambition it wasn’t hard to make him rebel. I don’t think I really made him fall love with me.”

  “Fortunately for the General,” said Kabachetka, “as you abandoned him at the scene of the crime, so to speak, leaving him to have his head chopped off by Queen Malveria. Which was the correct course of action by you, in the circumstances. But why will Sarapen not fall in love with me?”

  Distikka looked blank.

  “Stop looking blank,” demanded Empress Kabachetka. “I don’t like it. You must have some insights. Consider the facts. All independent witnesses agree that I am a remarkable beauty. My blonde hair alone is the wonder of the nation. I am also an empress. That has to count for something. Furthermore, I saved his life. One would think that was enough.”

  Distikka smiled, which she rarely did. “Presumably love does not run along logical lines, Empress. Which you already know. I really am at a loss what to suggest. Perhaps Sarapen, if facing hardship in the desert, might decide you were a better option?”

  The Empress frowned, not liking to hear herself described as merely a better option.

  “I will muse on it longer. But I’m not satisfied with your advice, Distikka. And on the subject of your unsatisfactory advice, nothing seems to be happening concerning werewolves.”

  “The Avenaris Guild is growing stronger. They have more money and more power.”

  “That is no use if they never encounter any werewolves. Are Thrix MacRinnalch and her annoying sister Kalix never to be punished?” The Empress’s temper flared. “I had a hunter from the Guild on the very point of killing the Enchantress when Kalix intervened! And Kalix is still unpunished for attempting to murder Sarapen! And the Enchantress is still providing fashionable garments for Malveria! It is all most frustrating, Distikka. Something must be done.”

  They paused to admire a huge spout of flame that shot up from the gorge below.

  “Something is being done,” replied Distikka calmly. “Soon we won’t have to worry about the werewolves avoiding the Avenaris Guild. They’ll be rushing to confront them. And then they’ll be killed.”

  “I hope so,” said the Empress. “Your plan is no doubt very complicated and I’m suspicious of complicated plans. I will let it proceed and see what happens. But if we meet with another failure, I may forget my newfound maturity and introduce you to some of my own assassins.”

  CHAPTER 13

  Although there were only eight people in Daniel’s and Moonglow’s flat, the small apartment had never been so noisy. Beauty and Delicious turned up the music, shouted over it to make themselves heard, and then turned it up again. Vex screamed at the top of her voice and danced in the middle of the floor.

  Decembrius hadn’t come with them to the cinema, but he’d arrived at the party. He was now talking to Kalix, or rather listening, as she enthusiastically talked about the film. Kalix had enjoyed the Runaways film and described all her favorite parts to Decembrius. They sat close to each other on the floor, leaning against the wall, drinking beer and looking, for once, like a couple who were comfortable in each other’s company. Moonglow observed them with interest. She thought it would be nice if Kalix and Decembrius managed to establish some sort of stable relationship. Decembrius wasn’t such a bad werewolf, once you got past his slight arrogance. Moonglow suspected that Decembrius put this on to cover a degree of natural shyness. When he forgot about being arrogant he was much more agreeable.

  Dominil sat quietly in a corner. She seemed thoughtful and had hardly spoken since they’d left the cinema.

  “My cup is empty!” yelled Vex, and hurried to the kitchen. There she found Daniel, who was drinking from a bottle of lager while putting another in his jacket pocket.

  “Daniel! Wasn’t that a good film?”

  Daniel grunted.

  “And isn’t this a good party?”

  Daniel grunted again.

  “Why are you putting beer in your pockets?”

  “So I can drink on my own in my room.”

  Vex looked puzzled. “You’ve looked awfully gloomy since the film ended. Almost like there’s something wrong. What’s the matter? No, don’t tell me, I’m good at guessing these things . . .” Vex studied Daniel, trying to interpret his aura. “Did you have an accident?”

  “No.”

  “Are you sick?”

  “No.”

  “Did someone you know have an accident or get sick?”

  Daniel shook his head and tried to escape from the kitchen. Vex blocked his way. She put her face an inch from his and grinned very broadly. “Tell me what’s wrong. It can’t be that bad.”

  “I tried to kiss Moonglow and it all went wrong,” said Daniel.

  Vex winced. “Oh. That’s really bad. What happened?”

  “She hit me.”

  “Hit you?”

  “Well, more of a push really.” Daniel looked thoughtful. “No, I think it qualifies as a blow actually. A violent push, say.”

  “When did this happen?”

  “In the cinema.”

  “I didn’t notice.”

  “You were singing along with the film,” said Daniel. “I picked a moment when everyone was occupied.”

  “So you just grabbed her an
d kissed her?”

  “Yes.”

  “And Moonglow hit you?”

  “Sort of. And she told me never to do it again.” Daniel looked crestfallen.

  “Well OK,” said Vex. “At least you’ve learned something. It was a bad idea to grab Moonglow and kiss her. But it was obviously the wrong time. I mean, you were both sober. That was bound to be embarrassing. Why didn’t you just wait till the party when Moonglow had a few beers inside her?”

  Daniel shook his head gloomily. “I expect you’re right. I always get these things wrong. If anyone needs me I’ll be up in my room, listening to depressing music.”

  “What use is that? I keep telling you, you’re not going to get anywhere with Moonglow if you keep skulking around, doing nothing.”

  “What would you suggest?”

  Vex looked thoughtful. “Have you considered kissing her?”

  Daniel put a weary hand to his forehead. “Agrivex. Please never talk to me again.”

  “Why do people keep saying that?” said Vex, but Daniel by now had slipped past her, out of the kitchen.

  As he slouched his way through the living room toward the stairs, Moonglow studiously avoided looking at him. She regretted that matters between them had come to a head that day, though she’d known they inevitably would at some point. She hadn’t expected that point to be in the middle of a film about the Runaways, when they were sitting in a cinema with five other people. It had been a very poor time to attempt to kiss her. Moonglow had been shocked, and not very pleased. She’d pushed Daniel away quite angrily. Since then they hadn’t spoken a word to each other.

  It’s going to be awkward living together now, she thought.

  Vex arrived back in the room and began haranguing Beauty and Delicious about playing more gigs. Yum Yum Sugary Snacks were Vex’s favorite band and she was eager to see them onstage again.

  “We want to play more,” said Beauty, raising her voice over the music, “but Dominil says we have to record something. Something good.”

  Beauty and Delicious had made some demos. Dominil had dismissed them as lacking in quality and demanded something better.

  “Dominil is as big a pain as ever,” yelled Delicious. “If we don’t do what she says she starts sulking.”