The Anxiety of Kalix the Werewolf

by Martin Millar

  “Thank you, Sarapen. That may be very useful. I must go.”

  “I could try talking to Alchet if you like.”

  “I must leave now, before the Empress returns.”

  “Then goodbye, Dominil.”

  They looked into each other’s eyes for a brief moment.

  “I’ll find some way to bring you back to this world,” said Dominil. Then she touched the jewel, turning off the portal, and hurried from the room. The banging on the door was becoming louder. Dominil ran through the sitting room and the reception room. She unlocked the front door to find Kalix outside.

  “I chased off Distikka but she’s gone to get Kabachetka!”

  Dominil and Kalix ran along the corridor, avoiding the lift and heading for the stairs. They rushed through the door at the top of the stairwell and came face to face with the Empress. Empress Kabachetka’s face twitched with anger at the sight of Kalix, but she quickly regained her composure.

  “What are you doing on this floor?”

  “Visiting acquaintances,” said Dominil.

  “Were you trying to burgle my room, vile werewolves?”

  Kalix growled. Dominil remained calm.

  “Certainly not.”

  “You are wasting your time. My sorcery protects my rooms. You cannot pass through it.”

  Dominil looked the Empress in the eye. “Then you have nothing to worry about.”

  “You will have something to worry about if you bother me in any way,” said the Empress. She held out her hand and a terrible heat permeated the stairwell, choking Dominil and Kalix.

  “I’ll burn your little werewolf claws off if you oppose me.”

  Kalix could not tolerate being insulted and choked with heat. She began to transform into a werewolf, preparing to attack. Dominil placed her arm across her, preventing her. She still looked the Empress in the eye.

  “Enjoy the rest of the ball,” she said evenly. “Kalix, let’s go.”

  Dominil led Kalix down the next flight of stairs, wondering if they were about to be blasted by a bolt of flame. They were perspiring with the heat and gasping for breath by the time they were out of the Empress’s sight.

  “Thank you for the warning,” said Dominil. “And for chasing off Distikka.”

  Kalix was pleased. She hadn’t done so badly after all. “Did you learn anything?”

  “Possibly,” said Dominil. “We may be nearer to finding the Guild’s headquarters.”

  They made their way down the stairs.

  “A man wanted me to be a model,” said Kalix. “And you and Vex as well.”

  “What?”

  Kalix took a business card from her pocket and showed it to her cousin. “He said he wanted to hire us.”

  “Was he a werewolf hunter? Or some other spy, enemy or conman?”

  “I don’t think so,” said Kalix. “Why would he be?”

  “I’m suspicious of everyone tonight.”

  “I think he just thought we were good models. Which is strange, I suppose. I was a terrible model. But you were good.”

  “Nothing would induce me to model again,” said Dominil.

  As they made their way through the crowds gathered round the entrance to the ballroom, they encountered Moonglow.

  “I’m having such a good time!” she enthused.

  “You are?” Kalix had been stressed since she arrived at the hotel and couldn’t imagine why anyone would be enjoying the evening.

  “Definitely! You know how in a film or TV when a straight girl goes out with a gay man and she’s pretending to be his girlfriend, she always has a really good time? Because he’s like a perfect date so she has the best time ever and wishes he could really be her boyfriend?”

  “Uh . . .” said Kalix and Dominil simultaneously.

  “Well, it’s exactly like that!” enthused Moonglow. “William is the best date ever. I so wish he wasn’t gay!” She beamed at them.

  “We’re here to spy,” said Dominil.

  “Right,” said Moonglow, and looked deflated. “Of course. Well, what’s next?”

  “Where is Daniel?”

  Moonglow hadn’t seen him for some time.

  “We should find him,” said Dominil. “And check on Vex. Moonglow, come with me. Kalix, I’d like you to check on Decembrius in the gardens.”

  “I don’t want to do that!”

  “We’re here to work,” said Dominil.

  “Fine,” muttered Kalix, and walked heavily back through the reception room toward the gardens. She was interrupted twice in the space of a few yards by young men who wanted to talk to her.

  “I saw you on the catwalk . . . I like your clothes . . . Your hair is so long . . . You’re really beautiful, do you model all the time?”

  Kalix ignored them, pushing her way past.

  “Decembrius better not say anything stupid when I get outside. I’ve had enough of him and his stupid comments. I’m starting to hate him.”

  CHAPTER 102

  Dominil and Moonglow made their way toward the corner of the room where Vex and Daniel had last been seen. A young woman in a white ball gown lurched drunkenly into their path, tottering on her high heels. Just before she toppled over, her date came to her rescue. He steadied her, and they stumbled off together.

  “Some of these debutantes are really drinking too much,” said Moonglow, moving sharply to avoid another unsteady figure in evening dress. “Look, there’s Vex.”

  Moonglow and Dominil paused, unsure of whether to approach or not. Vex was tangled up in an embrace with Adviser Bakmer.

  “She did say she’d be a good seductress,” said Moonglow. “Should we interrupt?”

  “I’m unable to read intimate body language,” said Dominil. “Is Vex attracted to him, or is this part of her spying?”

  “I don’t know.”

  They were joined by the Fire Queen, who raised her eyebrows at the sight of Vex and Adviser Bakmer. Though manners at the ball had relaxed as the evening progressed, most couples who wanted to become physical had headed for the privacy of the gardens. Enquiring glances were being directed at the passionately embracing couple from those nearby.

  “My niece would have to make an exhibition of herself,” muttered the Fire Queen. “Really, those shorts may have been acceptable on a catwalk, but they’re not at all suitable for wrapping one’s legs round one’s companion while the Crown Prince of Denmark sits at the next table.”

  They were still unsure whether to interrupt, or let Vex carry on. The matter was solved by the imperious arrival of Empress Kabachetka.

  “So this is where my staff has got to! Adviser Bakmer, disentangle yourself from that disreputable Hiyasta immediately!”

  The Fire Queen bridled. “What do you mean disreputable? You’re talking about my niece.”

  “A low-born temple prostitute whom you have invited into your palace!” sneered Kabachetka.

  “One would not want to examine the Empress’s own parentage too closely with regard to temple prostitutes,” retorted Malveria.

  “How dare you!” cried the Empress, outraged. “I will have security eject you from the premises and rain down fire on your realm as well!”

  “The Empress could not rain down fire on a children’s picnic,” said the Fire Queen. She looked toward her niece. “Agrivex. Remove yourself from the uncivilized Hainusta who has so grievously taken advantage of your good nature.”

  “Do not call my adviser uncivilized! Adviser Bakmer, for the last time, free yourself from the clutches of that harlot and come with me.”

  Adviser Bakmer had drunk a good deal more champagne than he was used to. It took some time for him to realize that the Empress was talking to him. When he finally noticed, he pulled away from Vex very sharply.

  “Of course Empress. I was just . . .” He halted, unable to provide any sort of explanation. He stood up unsteadily. People looked on with interest at the scene, the volume of which had temporarily drowned out the orchestra. The Crown Prince of Denmark see
med particularly entertained. Adviser Bakmer sheepishly followed Empress Kabachetka away from the table. Agrivex waved them a cheery goodbye, and then smiled broadly at everyone.

  “I told you I’d be a great seductress.”

  “Really, Agrivex,” said the Fire Queen. “There are standards of behavior in public.”

  Dominil, Moonglow and Malveria sat down at the table.

  “Isn’t this dance great?” said Vex. “We should come here every week.”

  “We’re meant to be spying,” said Dominil. “Did you learn anything?”

  Agrivex grinned. “Of course. You don’t think I was kissing old Bakmer for fun, do you? Look.” She fumbled in her pockets and pulled out several crumpled sheets of paper. “I stole these. Maybe it’s secret information!” Vex looked extremely pleased with herself as she handed the papers to Dominil.

  “How did you manage to steal them?” asked Moonglow. “You seemed very, uh, occupied.”

  “I have a talent for pickpocketing. I learned in the palace.”

  “What?” said Malveria.

  “I mean I’ve never done it before,” said Vex.

  “Where’s Daniel?” asked Moonglow.

  No one knew. He’d been sitting at the same table, but Vex had been too occupied to notice him leaving. Moonglow was worried that Gezinka might have kidnapped him, though the Fire Queen did point out that Gezinka was an aristocratic Hainusta, and not known to indulge in kidnapping.

  “Maybe they’ve gone for a walk in the gardens,” said Moonglow. “Were they getting on well?”

  Vex didn’t know. “I didn’t pay much attention. Gezinka was all hostile so I just ignored her.”

  “How hostile?” said Moonglow, alarmed. “What if she’s done something terrible to Daniel?”

  “That is unlikely,” said Dominil. “Nonetheless, we should find him. Vex, these papers look interesting. You did well. Everyone has done well. We may even have learned what we came here to learn. Once we locate Daniel our night will be over.”

  CHAPTER 103

  It was past midnight when Kalix re-entered the gardens. She could feel the moon, though it was hidden by clouds, and she paused for a second, gathering her strength. With so many people around it took her a few moments to locate Decembrius’s scent. As she turned into the shadows and walked through the bushes she trod on something soft.

  “Hey!” came an irate voice.

  Kalix looked down. She’d stepped on a young couple who appeared to have mislaid some of their clothes.

  “Sorry,” said Kalix, and hurried on, embarrassed. At the edge of the gardens, beside Prince Henry’s Tower, she climbed quickly into a tree. Decembrius was sitting in the upper branches.

  “Dominil sent me here,” said Kalix. “So don’t make any stupid comments about me trying to stalk you.”

  “Why did she send you?”

  “Probably she doesn’t trust you to guard properly.”

  “And she thinks you’ll do better?”

  They settled down into an unfriendly silence. It was broken by Kalix giggling.

  “What’s funny?”

  “I stood on a couple having sex in the bushes. They weren’t very pleased.”

  “Lucky you weren’t a werewolf. They’d never have got over it.”

  The atmosphere thawed a little.

  “When we were going out . . .” said Decembrius.

  “Yes?”

  “I’m sorry we kept arguing.”

  Kalix didn’t know how to reply.

  “I’ve never been that good at keeping relationships going,” continued Decembrius.

  “That’s all right,” muttered Kalix.

  “What do you mean ‘that’s all right’? Is that it?”

  “What did you expect me to say?”

  “I expected you to admit it was your fault too.”

  “You mean you just apologized so I’d apologize too?”

  “Why not?” said Decembrius. “We only kept arguing because you were crazy all the time.”

  “I was not crazy,” cried Kalix.

  “Well, you weren’t exactly calm.”

  “Bad things kept happening. It’s not that easy being a werewolf in London.”

  “But they don’t all go crazy.”

  “They don’t all get stupidly depressed and lie around feeling sorry for themselves either,” said Kalix pointedly.

  Decembrius was stung by this. “I think you’d win any contest for mental problems.”

  “Probably. So what?”

  “So don’t say everything was my fault. You’ve got no idea how to be anyone’s girlfriend.”

  “That’s not true.”

  “It is,” said Decembrius. “You were always upset about something. And if it wasn’t that, I was having to calm you down from some panic attack, or listen to you complain about your family. And then there was the laudanum.”

  “I really sound like a nightmare,” said Kalix. “Why did you ever go out with me?”

  “I thought you were pretty for a while. Though if I’d known you were allergic to sex, I’d never have bothered.”

  “I am not allergic to sex!”

  “Really? I don’t remember you ever wanting to do it.”

  “You’re talking rubbish.”

  Decembrius looked round at the gardens. “Hey, I’m jealous of the couple in the bushes. They’re having more than we generally did.”

  “We might have had more if you hadn’t wanted to watch football all the time,” said Kalix.

  “Not that again,” said Decembrius. “It was one time. So I wanted to watch a football match. That’s not so strange. Plenty of people like football.”

  “Werewolves don’t.”

  “Yes, they do. I used to play football with other werewolf kids at the castle.”

  Kalix sniffed. She’d never been friends with any other werewolf children, and didn’t really know if they liked football or not.

  “I hate you,” said Kalix.

  “At least I made an effort to apologize,” said Decembrius.

  “You spent one second apologizing and then launched into a long description of everything that’s wrong with me! If we weren’t on a mission I’d punch you right off the tree.”

  “Violence is another one of your problems,” said Decembrius. “I feel sorry for your new pretty boy.”

  “Stop calling him a pretty boy! He’s a painter. A good painter.”

  Decembrius sneered. “A pretty boy who paints. And now he’s going out with Britain’s most notorious crazy werewolf. I can see that ending well.”

  Kalix growled.

  Decembrius suddenly held up his hand and looked down. “What was that? Did some hunters just go past?”

  “I can’t see anyone.”

  “I can feel something,” said Decembrius.

  It was Kalix’s turn to sneer. “Feel something? You mean with your pretend, made-up powers?”

  “Shut up, you idiot,” snarled Decembrius, and began to climb down the tree.

  “You shut up,” replied Kalix, following him down.

  Decembrius landed heavily on the ground. “Three hunters,” he said. “They went right past. We’d have seen them if you hadn’t been arguing about everything.”

  Kalix landed more nimbly. They set off through the bushes. There were unfamiliar scents in the air, but with so many people around it was impossible to know if they were hunters or just guests at the ball. Decembrius seemed convinced, and was agitated about letting them past.

  “We have to stop them getting inside the hotel,” he said.

  There was an anguished cry from under a bush. Kalix looked down.

  “Sorry again,” she cried, and hurried on. The prospect of fighting had calmed her and focused her attention. She was ready to hurl herself into the fray.

  “They’re right ahead,” hissed Decembrius.

  Kalix transformed into her werewolf shape and threw herself forward, jaws wide open, her long sharp teeth ready to bite and tear. Decembrius did
the same and the two werewolves flew into a clearing between the bushes. They pulled up immediately, surprised at the sight that confronted them. Thrix was standing over three bodies, each of them facedown on the grass. Fiery energy still crackled around her werewolf claws and over the bodies. She was smiling in triumph. She looked up at Decembrius and Kalix and laughed.

  “Nice work guarding the perimeter.”

  Decembrius looked down at the bodies. Two young men, one older, all struck down instantly by Thrix’s sorcery.

  Thrix’s smile vanished and her expression turned ugly. She bent down and grasped the collar of one of the bodies, dragging him from the ground. Then she took a swipe with her claws, making a great gash in his chest.

  “You don’t need to do that,” said Decembrius. “They’re all dead.”

  Thrix snarled. So did Kalix. The young werewolf’s tongue lolled from her mouth. Having changed into her werewolf shape, ready to fight, she’d been on the verge of her battle madness, and was now confused. She looked around for someone to fight, then looked down at the bodies. She growled, and began to paw at one of them.

  Decembrius changed back to human and quickly searched the hunters’ pockets. As he did so a young couple arrived in the clearing. They looked with horror at the sight of the three bodies and two snarling werewolves, and opened their mouths to scream. The Enchantress pointed one long werewolf talon at them.

  “Fear-faol Dìochuimhnich, forget werewolf,” she said. “And go away.”

  The couple turned round and left the clearing quite calmly.

  “The hunters don’t have any documents,” said Decembrius. “Kalix, stop snarling. Thrix, get rid of the bodies.”

  Thrix didn’t seem to hear. “I love this ball,” she said.

  “Yes, we’re all having fun,” said Decembrius. “Now can you do something about the corpses?”

  Thrix turned to leave. Decembrius grabbed her, holding on to the long blonde hair that hung from her werewolf shoulders.

  “What’s the matter with you? You can’t leave.”

  “Why not?”

  “You’re still a werewolf. And there are still bodies here.”

  Thrix looked down at herself, and then at the bodies. She looked momentarily puzzled. “Right. I should move them.”