My feet hurt, and I was tired and sweaty, but I was upset, not blind. It was pretty nice. I imagined without all the other people around it might even be serene.
“You should see it after the rain,” Jasper said beside me. It was probably a lot more dramatic when California wasn’t in a drought. I didn’t know whether he was just saying that to say it or whether he was inviting me to do this with him again. If he was, I would have to politely decline. It was great. So pretty, but I was sure there were plenty of high-res photographs of it on Google I could look at of it from the comfort of a soft couch under a sturdy roof.
It just wasn’t me. It was great, but nothing I could do regularly. I could come rough it in a cabin for a while but all this? I’d need a break before I ever did this again.
Like he promised, we left down the same trail we had come up on after snapping a few pictures instead of doing the whole canyon loop. It was easier going back, maybe because I knew what to expect then. Back at the parking lot, we all guzzled bottles of water; Jasper, me and the dog before climbing back into his car. It was sunset. He’d need to turn his headlights on.
“Are you busy tonight?” he asked me.
“Nope,” I said confidently. Not if whatever he was going to suggest was going to keep me from going back to Asher’s.
“A friend and I wanted to have a little get-together tonight,” he said. “I could drop you off right now if you can’t, but I could give you a ride later if you’ll join us.”
“How many is a get-together?”
“Up to maybe ten people. Eleven if you’ll come.”
I said I would. It was just that morning that Asher and I had fought again. I wasn’t in the mood to listen to him and another woman have sex while I tried to watch Chopped. The atmosphere had been tense from the beginning, but now it had just metastasized into this awful funk which I could practically feel hanging over us.
It was getting so bad I had even begun thinking about moving. I didn’t know what the chances were of another stranger letting me crash on their couch and I wasn’t dumb enough to think the money I’d have after just one month working at the shop would be enough to last me till my next paycheck without help. It was beginning to feel like torture now. I had never gotten this bent out of shape by a guy rejecting me before, but everything that was happening around it just made it worse.
Somehow, knowing he didn’t want me made me feel more alone here. I didn’t have a support system here, and he had felt like he could have been part of mine, but now I could barely stand being around him. Between his kindness letting me stay with him and his rejection, I felt the latter more strongly. Whatever. I didn’t have to see him till later. Hopefully, I’d be too drunk to care.
Jasper’s house was a house house, not an apartment. He lived in a suburb. Cute, matchy looking houses all lined up with cars parked out front. There was already someone inside when we got there, a guy who introduced himself as Taylor, probably his roommate.
I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and by the time I’d gotten back, there were a couple more people. I wasn’t sure the nature of the get-togethers that Jasper held, but I was sure it was sort of early in the night for one to be starting. I also knew that usually there was some sort of food and beverage offered. There was no food, and if there was anything to drink, I didn’t know where it was.
Everyone seemed to know each other. As expected, gorgeous girls and guys that Los Angeles seemed to be crawling with, but a very different crowd than the one I’d seen congregating for the parties at Asher’s shop. Someone turned some music on. A lot of people were sitting around, but others had gone out to the yard, disappeared into one of the bedrooms, or just hung around like they were waiting for something.
Jasper and Taylor sat on either side of me, Taylor asking me my name and who I was. He was shorter than Jasper, with a deeper tan and glasses.
“Are you having a good time, Jenn?” he asked me.
“Uhm, I guess so. It wasn’t what I was expecting,” I said. He looked at Jasper and smirked before looking back at me.
“Have you ever taken MDMA before?” he asked. MDMA? Like, the drug? I thought only ravers and the Manson family did that. Were acid and MDMA the same thing? I didn’t know, but it finally made sense. Everyone was here to trip balls. That’s why there wasn’t any alcohol. That’s why they were all sneaking off. To do drugs.
“No,” I said carefully. I hadn’t touched anything stronger than Sudafed in my life.
“Jasper told me you’re a friend of his. I don’t share my stuff with just anyone. I’d be happy to split a dose if you aren’t drinking,” he said. What was that stuff they used to tell us in school? Just say no? I was saying no, to myself. I didn’t do drugs… Jennifer on the other hand…
“How strong is it?” I asked to try sound like I knew what I was talking about.
“Almost pure,” he said. He pulled something out of a little baggie and put it in his palm—a small orange pill with a happy face on it and a groove down the middle. He split it and put one half in my hand.
“Under your tongue, like this,” he said showing me. Just say no, Felicity screamed somewhere in my head. I copied him. It tasted sort of bad, but it was gone quickly.
“Now what?” I asked.
“Now, we wait.”
I sat and waited. I didn’t know what I was supposed to be feeling, but I supposed I’d know when I did. Currently, I was feeling nothing. The music had gotten progressively louder, and the number of people sitting had dwindled. Most were dancing wildly around the room, having a much better time than I was. Both guys eventually disappeared, coming up a lot faster than I was.
Was it just not working? Had I done it wrong? Would booze help?
I got up. Maybe moving around would help me metabolize it? Worth a try. I didn’t know anyone there, but they were all very friendly. I went outside and saw a couple of people smoking. They offered me a hit, but I declined. I patted the dog a little on the patio before going back inside and looking for Jasper. I was certain I’d done it wrong now. It had nearly been two hours. There were two bedrooms, and he wasn’t in the first one I checked.
The door of the second was closed. I paused when I opened it up and saw what was inside. It was one of the strangest things I’d ever seen. Jasper was sprawled on the bed with two other people, fully clothed in a weird cuddle dog pile. They were talking and giggling a lot; it was strangely adorable. Like a happy pile of idiots.
Was that what was supposed to have happened? Maybe if I was high too, I’d have been able to appreciate it.
“Jenny!” he said happily, seeing me. I walked in.
“Hi, guys,” I said, amused. He slowly disentangled himself from the other people on the bed and got up to hug me. He squeezed me very tight asking where I’d been all night. His pupils were like saucers. I’d never seen anyone’s eyes like that in real life. His eyes were dark, so his iris looked completely black like he was possessed.
“How are you feeling?” he asked. I shook my head.
“I don’t think it worked.” He frowned and looked at me, holding me steady by the shoulders. Maybe his vision was spinning.
“Nothing? You’re so little; you should be faced by now,” he said. I shrugged. “Here, take this,” he said, pulling something out of his pocket. It was another pill. He split it, giving me some and taking some himself.
“Is it more?” I asked. He nodded.
“Higher dose.” I popped it into my mouth and let it dissolve under my tongue. He convinced me to hang out in the bedroom with him and his friends. It was a guy and two girls. Their names were Gary, Samantha and Josie and they were really happy to meet me. They were cheesing so hard it should hurt your face to smile that big. I ended up sandwiched between Jasper and Samantha, all of them listening rapt while I told them the very boring things my daily routine at the ranch had consisted of. A lot of yoga and therapy, crying and sunburn.
Jasper sort of stroked my arm, like my hoodie was made of cashm
ere or something. Someone came to the door and said they were going out. Only Josie wanted to join them, so she left, leaving us a giggly pile on the bed. They were giggly; I was still stone cold sober. It probably wasn’t going to kick in if it hadn’t yet. I listened to the others ramble. Since Josie had moved, we’d spread out a bit, but Jasper had his arm around me, in a modified spooning position.
“Anything?” he asked me.
“Nope,” I said. I was on my back, so I just had to turn my head to look at him. He was stroking my hair then. “Maybe it just doesn’t work for me.”
“You’re still having fun, though, right?” he asked. He even sounded different. He was blasted, completely off his ass. I was sort of jealous because he seemed to be having a great time, but when would I get to observe something like this again?
“I am, thank you for inviting me,” I said. He smiled and snuggled into me. There was no way I was getting into a car with him like that. I didn’t know what time it was, but I could probably get a ride back to Asher’s on my own. I was about to tell him I was ready to leave when without warning, he kissed me. I couldn’t back away because I was flat on my back on the bed, so I pushed. He was leaning over me, looking at me through his ridiculously dilated pupils.
“Jasper… no. I don’t… I can’t,” I said. I sat up on the bed trying not to bother Gary and Samantha. I was sure at least one of them was asleep.
“Did I do something wrong?” he asked.
“No, it’s me,” I said gently, moving off the bed.
“Where are you going?” he asked. I told him I’d be right back. I wanted to go outside. I needed some air.
I felt a little nauseated like I had been drinking, but I hadn’t. The music was making my head hurt too. Was there somewhere quiet I could go hang out? This had been fun, but I was tired. The drugs were rejecting me or something. I wasn’t feeling whatever it was I was supposed to unless this was it.
I found an empty bathroom and locked myself inside. The noise of the party was at least dulled. I sat on the closed toilet seat, trying to calm down. I was annoyed. Nothing had gone right. Why was this room so cold? I was shivering.
I went to the shower and turned it on so the steam would warm the room up. Was anyone else feeling like this? Maybe I’d call Asher to come get me. No, I couldn’t do that. It was nothing. I’d be fine. I’d just wait till Jasper was sober again.
He’d take me home.
15
Asher
My eyes shot open, and I bolted upright looking around the room. The sun was coming up; it was sort of light out. I swore, letting myself fall back down onto the pillow.
I’d fallen asleep.
It was the ass crack of dawn, and unless Jenny had gotten in when I had blacked out, she hadn’t come home. That also meant that I’d waited up for her and she hadn’t shown up.
Two things I would have said were impossible just three weeks ago. Since we were listing things I didn’t know could happen, my bed was empty. There was no chick in the bathroom, washing last night’s makeup off, there was no chick in the kitchen trying to call a car to get her out of here. That didn’t even bother me as much as there being no chick on my couch right then.
It had been, how long? A weekend? Since I’d given Jenny the worst lay of her life. I had gotten as far as telling Phaedra I’d send an Uber to bring her to my place when I snapped out of it, took a shower instead and waited up to hear Jenny coming back home. Fucking Phaedra would have been fun, but it wouldn’t have made Jenny come.
It was dumb luck that I hadn’t called her over because if I had, she—Jenny, not Phaedra—would just think that that thing she thought about me, about us, was true. That I didn’t want to fuck her, and that was a filthy lie which was the reason I had been up most of the night waiting for this woman to show up.
I was sure that this was my fault, but I didn’t know what the fuck to do about it. Since I was on a roll, I’d probably do the wrong thing again, anyway.
I rolled out of bed and checked the couch, just to make sure I was right about her not coming back. The blanket was still folded up neatly—no sign of her. I had to make my own coffee for the first time in a few weeks which scared the shit out of me for a second because I’d thought she’d left. Like left for real, for her real home. She hadn’t. Her duffel was still on the ground by the couch.
She would though, eventually. This wasn’t supposed to be a permanent thing for her; she told me as much about working at the shop.
Here was the problem with that. I didn’t want her to leave.
I liked having her around. It was better than being alone. She was beautiful, and I wanted her. I couldn’t have her if she left. If she did though, it would be my fault. Another new thing—I felt like shit. It wasn’t just because she’d told me to stop when we were together. It was because she felt bad and she thought what she did, and I was sure she was shutting me out.
She hadn’t answered her phone any of the times I’d called her the night before. I might have lost count after about five, which was as many as I’d admit to. They were all after two AM because before that, she’d have had a reason not to pick up if she was at a club.
That was when the real fun had started. The thought of her fucking some failed actor guy whose best credit was a Lowes commercial crossed my mind once, and I still hadn’t been able to shake it.
The shop was open, but she wasn’t at her desk. Since I was her boss, I had a good reason to care about that. It was still early, but this was late for her—if the place she even went after leaving the apartment was here.
I didn’t know whether she stopped to eat somewhere before she would go, or did anything else, and I really hated that. It surprised me how much I hated that. Why did I know so little about her? We lived together.
I walked back into my office for no other reason than I didn’t know what else to do. There was time before I had my first customer. I could see the back door from the door to my office, and I stopped on my way there, noticing it was open.
The shop had been opened by whoever got here before me and believing it was Jenny; I went back there to check. I heard voices from outside, getting closer. A man and a woman. I was certain I recognized them. Jenny was laughing about something, and Dev was talking to her.
Behind the shop was mostly parking. Dev and Jenny were there standing together looking at something on what looked like a camera.
“What are you doing?” I asked, trying to make it sound casual. Jenny looked over first but waited for Devon to speak.
“Oh, hey Ash,” he said. “I had to take some reference pictures for a custom piece I’m doing. Jenn volunteered to model.”
“They want a tattoo of Jenny?”
“No. I just prefer real faces for reference,” he said, looking down at the camera. He said something quietly to her making her giggle.
There it was again. I was jealous. Devon should not have been standing that close to her, making her laugh, taking her picture. I hated it. Goddamn, I hated it.
“Jenny, could you get in here? I need to talk to you for a second,” I said. She told Dev she’d be right back and followed me back into the shop. “My office,” I said through gritted teeth, trying not to sound as irritated as I was. I didn’t want to pop in front of her. I waited till she was inside and had closed the door.
“Where the fuck were you last night?” I asked. She crossed her arms and looked at me.
“I went out with a friend. Why? Did you need something?”
“Where? The top of a fucking mountain? Why didn’t you answer any of my phone calls?”
“I missed them, sorry. I was asleep.”
“You spent the night at someone’s house?”
“I don’t understand why you’re so upset.”
“If you’re doing that, at least tell me where and with whom?”
“Why? When did I become your wife? I need to tell you where I go and who I hang out with? Why would you care?”
“Fuck, Jenny. We we
nt over this.”
“No, not this part. The part where I can’t leave the house anymore?”
“I didn’t say that. I just want you to tell me these things, Jenny. I need to know where you are.”
“Do you hear half the things you say to me? I’m not asking your permission to live my life. You can’t tell me what I can and can’t do.”
“Why don’t you get it, Jenn? I have to know where you are. I can’t let anything happen to you.”
“Well, in that case, go ahead and tie me to your bed like you wanted to, would that be better for you? You want to microchip me like a fucking dog so you always know where I am? I didn’t ask you for that, Asher. You’re not going to treat me like a fucking child.”
“Then don’t act like one. Tell me where you go when you leave. I can’t take you leaving all night without a word.”
“I don’t know why that’s my problem,” she said dismissively. “Was there anything else you wanted to say to me about work? I haven’t done anything wrong. I’m not late. I’m not hungover. I got here before you did.” I knew she was right, but I didn’t care. She hadn’t done anything to make me worry about her performance at the shop. She’d just made me mad. Which guys was she out meeting? She couldn’t… no, she could meet whoever she wanted. I just didn’t want her to.
“What if something happened to you?”
“Nothing did. You can’t treat me like I’ll break if the wind blows too hard, Asher. Believe it or not, I can take care of myself.”
“I need to know that you’re safe, Jenny. That’s all I want.”
“You need to leave me alone,” she said. Her voice was icy. “I’m leaving unless there’s something important you wanted to say to me.” I shook my head and left the room so I didn’t have to watch her walking away from me.
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