Fuck. Every time I opened my mouth to say something to her I just made things worse. Everything I said seemed to make her mad. I hadn’t even said what I wanted to say to her. I had been worried. I wanted to know where she was and whether she was safe, but I also wanted to just tell her no. Tell her she couldn’t see anyone else because she was mine. I wanted to know who it was that was the reason she hadn’t come home last night.
Dev was looking at a laptop at his station when I walked back out.
“Where’s Jenn?” he asked.
“Back there. You can go finish your photoshoot. I’m done with her,” I said.
“Did something happen?” he asked. Yes, but I was pretty sure he wasn’t referring to what I was thinking.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean is she not working out? Everything’s been great since you brought her on.” I nodded. He wasn’t talking about what I thought he was. Good.
“If you’re worried about her, don’t be. Her job is safe.”
“Why’d you chew her out like that then? I heard you two in your office.”
“We were in the office so you wouldn’t be able to hear us. Drop it, Dev, it’s none of your business.”
“If you’re mad that she wasn’t at her desk, don’t be mad at her. I was the one who asked her for the photos.”
“Do your fucking job, Devon,” I said darkly. I was not in the mood to talk about my personal life with him.
“She isn’t even feeling good. Just go easy on her. She didn’t do anything,” he said. I froze.
“What?”
“She was out last night. She said she took something, and it made her sick.”
“Took something? What?”
“She didn’t say. She told me she was going to ask you to let her out early if she didn’t feel better.”
What? Fucking, what? Great, now she was sick too? She had taken something? I left and went back towards my office to find her. She was locking the back door.
“Please don’t, Asher. I don’t want to fight again,” she said as I approached. I went on high alert looking for signs that she wasn’t okay.
“Dev told me you’re sick. Were you doing drugs last night?” I demanded. Do I really have to keep getting this information from other fucking people?
“You want to know where I was? I was with the guy who brought me here from Arizona. We kept in touch, and we’re pretty close. I told him about my situation, and he said he wouldn’t mind taking me in until I’m ready to go back to Seattle. You were there for me when I needed you, Asher, and I’m grateful for that, but I know when I’m no longer wanted. I can be gone in the next few days,” she said. My throat dried up.
“Stop it, Jenny. Don’t make decisions when you’re upset. I’m not chasing you.”
“Yes, you are. Everything you do is pushing me away. I don’t want to keep coming home to someone who hates me.” I sighed. She wasn’t leaving. She wasn’t. She was just upset and needed to know that I still wanted her there.
“We can talk about it tonight.”
“I’m done talking. I’ll be out of your hair in the next three days.” I stood there looking at her. I wasn’t done, but she wasn’t going to hear me if I kept going.
“Go,” I told her.
“Go where?”
“Back home. Dev said you’re sick. Come back when you’re feeling better.” I walked away again, and this time I didn’t go back.
16
Felicity
You know why MDMA makes you so happy? Because it floods your brain with serotonin. The same thing my pills did. You’d think taking a psychoactive drug while on an SSRI would just make you double high, but it didn’t work like that. According to my GP, Dr. Google, they just sort of canceled each other out. That was if you were lucky. If you weren’t, all the serotonin could overwhelm your system causing seizures and death. To a lesser extent, it could also cause dizziness, agitation and headaches and those had finally worn off.
That was the last fucking time. It was official, Jenifer Davis made horrible decisions. Felicity, neurotic and nervous would have checked to see whether taking psychoactive drugs could kill her if she was on medication already. Newsflash to Jenny; it could. The division wasn’t that clear, but I could tell the things I had been doing lately that weren’t me. Coming to LA wasn’t me, but hitchhiking somewhere I’d never been paled in comparison to taking drugs with a bunch of people I didn’t know.
I felt better. I was certain I wouldn’t have to go to the doctor, but I was putting my foot down. No more. Nothing. From now on, I was Jennifer Davis in name only. Since I had kicked myself out of Asher’s place a couple of days ago, I had to find somewhere to live. I hadn’t been serious about staying with Jasper. I hadn’t asked him, but I felt he’d say yes if I did. I would just go home this time—my actual home. I had a limit, and Asher had reached it. I didn’t have to take the abuse. The money from my half a month at the shop would buy me a ticket, and this whole charade could be over.
I turned the shower off and listened for a few seconds to hear whether anything was coming through the door. Nope, nothing. He probably wasn’t out there. I towel dried my hair and put my pajamas on, quickly because I didn’t want to be trapped in here with him on the other side of the door. I wasn’t afraid he’d do anything. The tension was just easier to take when we weren’t in the same room as each other. He’d basically stopped fighting me after I’d dropped the bomb that I was getting out of there, but I could tell he didn’t like what I’d decided.
I picked up my pile of dirty laundry and cracked the door open to peek—no sign of him. I got to the other door and did the same thing, cracked it open and peeked. I heard footsteps and quickly shut the door. He was home. Weird. It was sort of early. I had thought he might be at a party or something. Out. Fucking some gorgeous girl somewhere. Not here.
Whatever. It was his house, not mine. I couldn’t be mad. I wanted an early night, anyway. I was leaving tomorrow. I’d just go to the living room and go to sleep. I opened the door again then closed it because I needed a minute. I shut my eyes and took a deep breath.
This was ridiculous.
I was hiding from him.
For some reason, he was in the house when I wanted him to be out, and he didn’t seem to be heading out again. Was he torturing me? It didn’t make sense to be upset that he was staying in, but he shouldn’t have been. He lived here. He had friends; why didn’t he leave? Why wasn’t he making it easier for me to stick to my decision to leave?
Why didn’t he seem as affected by this as I was?
He was just making it worse.
I sighed and left the room, keeping my eyes down. I walked into the living room. He was in there on the couch, with the television on. Wonderful. So much for my early night now. I tried not to look at him as I went over to my bag and rummaged for my toothbrush and toothpaste. I ended up looking and then looked again because I noticed his shirt was off.
I’d been close enough to him to know what he felt like. Hard underneath warm skin covered in fine hair. Taut and fit even though his job was mainly him sitting on his ass drawing and tattooing. Sharp and big and masculine where it counted, but soft and gentle where he needed to be. There wasn’t a part of my body where I didn’t want to feel his lips. If that was what kissing him felt like, I could only imagine what his lips and tongue would feel like licking my clit.
Great, now I was wet. I retreated to the bathroom to brush my teeth and take my meds then went back. He was still there. I lay on the loveseat where I slept and turned my back to him. I heard him turn down the volume on the television which was considerate, but it wouldn’t help me get to sleep. I wouldn’t be able to now that he was right there. I tried not to think of those few minutes I had had him inside of me and how incredibly tight he fit. His hands and what I wished he’d do with them.
I stuck a hand between my thighs and tried to rub discreetly. My shorts were in the way. I slid my hand inside my shorts and rubbed my clit. T
hat was better, slightly. Could he tell what I was doing? Actually, a better question was, did I care whether he could tell?
He could call someone over and work his frustration out. Some of us weren’t so lucky. Just because I couldn’t bring a guy here didn’t mean I couldn’t go to wherever the guy was. Sounded like a solution, but the only guy I wanted was the one here, and he wanted nothing to do with me. Fuck him, even if he wouldn’t fuck me. I rolled onto my back and felt the blanket slide off. I tugged my shorts off and dropped them on the floor. I rubbed my clit slowly, with my eyes shut. I could feel him watching me.
I sighed, speeding up, sliding a hand up my top to tweak my nipple. It could have been better. It could have been him. I felt like he might have wanted it to be him, but since it wasn’t, this shouldn’t have bothered him that much.
“Jenny…” he choked. His voice was low and strained. I didn’t stop touching myself. I turned my head and opened my eyes to look at him. He was on his feet, right in front of me.
“What?” I asked innocently. His eyes traveled up and down my body, and I had to fight not to try to cover up.
“You can’t do this to me, Jenny.” Oh please. He was one to talk. How many nights had I had to listen to him fucking someone in his room or look at him nearly naked? I leveled my gaze with his, not stopping.
“What the hell am I supposed to do? I can’t have anyone over. I have to take care of it myself,” I said. I dragged my finger down lower and pushed it inside myself. Not enough. I sighed, pushing another inside. Not as good as a cock—Asher’s cock, but he wasn’t going to give it to me.
I could pretend, and I could remember. His thick, hard rod. Too bad he didn’t want to use it.
“Stop,” he said suddenly. I opened my eyes. He was leaning over me and that bit of boldness I’d felt immediately fizzled out and I closed my legs. I had wanted to taunt him, and it had worked, and now it was obvious what he wanted, but I wasn’t sure I was prepared to give it to him.
He got down on his knees in front of me, pulling me towards him so my feet touched the floor, and I sat up straight. He put his hands on my thighs, squeezing softly.
“Open.”
“N-no,” I stammered. He took my hand and sucked my wet fingers into his mouth. I gasped. Was I more surprised or turned on? The jury was out on that one. His other hand squeezed my thigh with a little more insistence.
“Open,” he said again. I did. I parted my thighs and pulled my legs up onto the sofa on either side of him. He pulled me forward by my hips and didn’t even give me a second to prepare before he sucked my clit into his mouth. I let out a surprised cry, which became a moan midway. He sucked powerfully, frantically. My hands were in his hair, pulling. I didn’t want him to stop.
One of his hands made its way up to my breast, squeezing through my clothes. I pulled my t-shirt off so I could feel his warm, rough hand against my skin—his fingers rolling my nipple, making me scream.
I was already mounting. I knew I wouldn’t last if he kept licking me the way he was. His stubble rasped against my inner thighs. As suddenly as he started, he stopped, pulling away. My instant reaction to rejection started to kick in. I tried to close my legs, but he stopped me, holding them open with his hands.
“Tell me now if you want me to fuck you and I will.”
“Like last time?” I asked. His eyes burned. I saw the recognition there. He knew what he did wrong. He leaned forward into me, pushing me back into the sofa.
“Tell me what you want.”
“I want you, Asher. Fuck me.” I held his face between my hands. “I won’t break.”
He pushed forward again, pressing me back into the seat, kissing me. His tongue ravaged the inside of my mouth, none of the tentative exploration he’d done the last time we kissed. I moaned hearing the fly of his jeans and quickly feeling his hard cock brush against my leg.
“Fuck,” he said, quietly. “Wait here.” I grabbed his arm.
“I’m clean,” I whispered quietly. He looked at me and was silent just a little too long. Long enough to make me feel he should go get that condom.
“I always use condoms. Are you sure?” I nodded, pulling him back. His cock stuck out straight through the opening in his jeans. I was going to let him do it. I had gotten my IUD for this reason, but this was my first time after Ben… well, second time, but I was willing to let that first time between us go if this was as good as I hoped it would be. I worried that it would just be a repeat performance of the first time, but I also didn’t want to keep being scared of this.
He leaned over me on the couch and kissed me, really sweetly. I felt the round head of his dick slide through my wetness before he teased me with the tip.
“Do it,” I whispered.
He pushed into me hard, pulling me into him by the hips so he was completely buried. I yelped loudly, from the surprise, but also the intense fullness. He wrapped an arm around me and fucked me. He was quick and hard filling me up all the way before thrusting powerfully into me again. Yes. Yes, just like that. I bit down on my lip, closing my eyes. I felt his lips and tongue on my neck biting and licking.
He hitched my legs up and pulled me towards him, holding me open, his hands pressing into my inner thighs. I was almost flat on my back with my head against the cushions. I could look up at him and watch him fuck me. He caressed my inner thighs, bringing one hand all the way to my clit. I cried out feeling him manipulate my clit with his thumb. I grabbed the couch cushions feeling my orgasm getting closer. I felt myself spasm as it shook through me. I bowed my back, and I thought I’d fall off the couch. When I finally came down, I felt Asher’s body press down on mine.
“Come inside,” I said, feeling him speed up.
He straightened up and pulled me up into him, holding my body tight to his with one arm as he thrust faster and faster towards his release. He shuddered as he came, shooting inside me. I felt his groan rumble in his chest. His arm loosened around me allowing me to lean back against the cushions.
I leaned my head back, gulping mouthfuls of air trying to catch my breath. I felt him slide slowly out of me. I turned my head, suddenly scared to look at him. I had just let him fuck me without a condom on and come inside me, and now I was feeling shy? We had been going off the tension, and now it had dissipated. We’d done it.
I tried to close my legs, but he was still between them—I couldn’t. I felt his arm wrap around me and swing us around so I was on his lap and he was sitting on the couch. In that position, I was slightly higher so I could sort of look down at him. He was just as out of breath as I was. One of his hands was holding my hip; the other was loose at his side.
What now? Did we cuddle? He didn’t seem like the cuddling type. I sort of wanted to clean up; he had come inside me but was leaking out. He probably didn’t want any of that on his couch. I started to get up.
“Where are you going?”
“The bathroom.”
“Stay here,” he said. Here on his lap? Here in his apartment? Both?
“I want to clean up, Asher. I was trying to sleep before this.” He furrowed his brow a little.
“You want to go to sleep?” he asked.
“You don’t?”
“After that, I don’t think I could,” he said. His hand traveled up my waist and brushed my breast softly. “I’m sorry,” he said looking up at me.
“I’m sorry too.”
“I didn’t want to push you. I didn’t want you to think I wanted something for letting you stay here. You’ve been driving me crazy since we met,” he said, glancing down at my chest. I smirked.
“I thought you weren’t interested. I was so mad when I came out of the shower, and you were here.”
“Because you’ve been avoiding me?”
“You’ve been avoiding me too,” I said.
“That’s why I want you to stay here,” he said, wrapping his arms around me again. “Don’t leave tomorrow,” he whispered. He sucked hard on one of my nipples. Between my legs, I could f
eel him getting hard again.
“What about your couch?” I asked, reaching down between us to touch him. I yelped as he suddenly stood, walking us to his bed where he made me come again.
For once, the dark rooftop deck of Asher’s apartment building didn’t feel like a hiding place. Tonight, I wasn’t hiding. I was waiting. The temperature had dropped, but nothing I’d call cold. My entire body felt hot remembering what Asher and I had done on the couch not even an hour before. And then on his bed maybe twenty minutes ago. I felt tired now, but I didn’t want to go to sleep yet. Our Cold War had finally ended. I was riding on a high from our sex, and I felt renewed confidence in who I was when it came to him.
Now that the wall was down, I felt like I had to keep going. I had to open all the way up, at least more than I had been. Things weren’t going to be the same between us in any case, so why not? Just because this wasn’t going to last didn’t mean it couldn’t count. I liked him. I thought he was kind, and I wanted to spend time with him. Leaving eventually hadn’t felt like such a painful concept before, but now; I couldn’t say I was the biggest fan. I was still leaving, just not the next day anymore, and any time I still had I wanted to erase the mess it had all been since I’d gotten here. I wanted to repay him with the same openness he had offered me.
“So, this is where you come all the time, to get away from me?” I heard him say. He was walking up to me, looking around like he’d never been up here.
“You didn’t know this was up here?”
“I knew, just never had a reason to make the trip up.” He sat on the chair and pulled me into him. He positioned me so he was laying on his back and I was on top of him. He was wearing a soft t-shirt which felt nice against my face, and his hand had already made its way under my top, carelessly stroking the skin on my hip. “I’m glad it was here, not somewhere else.”
“Where did you think I was going?” I asked. I felt him shrug.
Asher (Heartbreakers & Troublemakers Book 6) Page 13