‘All I’m saying is, you’ve got a lot of emotion going through you right now. A part of that is about Alex.’
Was he right? I didn’t know what to say to that.
‘And it’s normal.’ Aurel added. ‘I get it. He was there before you, he knows parts of her life you’ve only read about, but Brother, you’re letting all of that cloud what’s right in front of you.’
‘And what’s right in front of me?’ I tested.
‘Ace is unhinged, she’s losing herself, and a lot of that is to stress. She’s been under so much pressure it’s a wonder she hasn’t cracked before.’
‘She’s not cracking.’
‘You’re not seeing the whole picture.’
No. I knew what I felt, that dream she had, wasn’t like the others. This was real.
The anxiety that had been rising inside me, reached a point I wasn’t sure I could contain, so I got up, scratching the back of my head.
‘I need you to back up.’ I said, and then added. ‘She’s not crazy, and I’m not having this talk.’
‘Well I think we should.’ He propped himself against the door.
When I eyed him, he gave me a pointed look.
‘We going to pretend that she didn’t go all dark side without any provocation, fry Xiao’s mind and then lose it when you tried to talk to her?’
‘You’re reaching.’
‘Am I?’
He remained completely silent, despite the churning thoughts rushing through his head. I turned my attention back to the floor and closed my eyes, letting a long, deep breath out.
‘She was under a lot of pressure, she just learned about the weapon and that he had leads.’ I said.
‘And I understand that, it’s a lot for someone to take on.’
‘She’s not cracking.’
‘It’s a lot for you too.’
This time I felt the personal jab. ‘What does that mean?’
‘Using Serum injections to subdue persons of interest.’
‘Wiley wasn’t talking.’
‘He also wasn’t under Agency jurisdiction.’
‘Since when do you care about jurisdiction?’
‘Since we could potentially lose ties with the one agency on this side of the world we need to keep on our side. What were you thinking? You could have blown all of this to hell.’
‘I didn’t.’
‘You could have. And you didn’t even stop to think about it, you’re the god damned director of the fucking Agency, Illarion. You have to be better than that.’
Stunned, I shut my mouth, sure that I looked like a wounded deer.
‘We’re done.’ I said.
‘We are not done.’
‘Get out before we both do something stupid.’
‘I think you’ve covered stupid for the both of us.’
‘Leave.’
‘Okay, that was out of line. I’m sorry.’ Aurel backed up this time.
‘Yeah, me too.’
‘Fuck.’ He stuffed his hands into his pockets. ‘I don’t want things to be like this. Just talk to her, she needs help. That’s all I’m saying. All of this has to be taking a toll. On both of you.’
He turned to leave, and as much as my ego said good riddance, the rest of me said he was right.
‘It’s not just what’s happening now.’ I said and Aurel stopped, ‘It’s everything.’
He turned, staying quiet.
‘For the longest time, I was afraid of sleeping beside her, because she’d wake in the middle of the night and begin thrashing, thinking I was hurting her. Do you know what that was like? To see the horror in her eyes and that she can’t see past it, to see that it’s me?’
He let out a long breath.
‘I can’t begin to imagine…’ He whispered.
‘I’d suffered every night after I lost her, and I knew it was nothing in comparison to the things she’d lived through. But even through all that, it was still her, Aurel. I still saw clarity in her eyes.’
‘And now?’
‘I’m not sure.’ I admitted.
Her eyes could never lie to me, no matter how much she hid it from everyone else. But I was compromised, wasn’t it? I was always biased, always on her side, whatever the cost, whatever the circumstance.
‘Have you spoken to anyone about this? A doctor I mean?’ He asked.
There was nothing wrong with speaking to doctors, psychologists and therapists were a talented group of people, but I couldn’t risk exposing our secrets to anyone. Not after Donna. The name still burned on my tongue.
I had to admit it’d been a long time since someone made me feel like I was under the microscope.
‘I think you should. Both of you. This isn’t healthy and I say that with love in my heart, Illarion. I’ve been through grief, hell we both have, I still have the nightmares from Afghanistan, and I’d bet you do too. Am I right?’
He was. I pinched the bridge of my nose.
‘I hear their cries sometimes, especially those kids when we blew up half of Bamiyan. I wake up in a cold sweat and see the blood on my hands, sometimes I think I see them in my room, crawling around with missing limbs.’
I shuddered. I knew those dreams all too well. That blood was on my hands too. Intel was always filtered down to us from some guy sitting in a container controlling a drone a million miles away, someone who’d never smelled burnt flesh or seen the way a human body goes up in flames.
‘But you can’t deal with that kind of thing alone, none of us can. Please, please speak top someone.’
‘It’s not possible.’
‘The Agency-’
‘The Agency has failed us before; I can’t risk it. I can’t risk someone else getting to her.’ Anger heated my cheeks. ‘Especially not now, not after what we’ve just learned and knowing that anyone could be a mole.’
Before Aurel could answer, I forced a tight smile, ending the conversation.
‘I appreciate what you’ve done for us. Keep me posted on Belfort and the others.’
He gave me a curt nod and left.
Regardless of his good intentions, he couldn’t see past this because he couldn’t feel what I felt, and he couldn’t see the fear I’d seen.
As I watched him walk away, a niggling feeling inside me said that despite everything we’d been through, Aurel would be the one to leave us.
***
Ace
Alex left, giving me some space to get showered and dressed. Like he said, there were supplies left in the bathroom, shampoo, soap, toothpaste and a sparkly pink toothbrush, I smirked, shaking my head.
He always had a great sense of humor, especially since he’d bought me pretty much the same one I had at the base—pink with giant flakes of glitter inside the plastic handle. It’d been the one item I cherished above all else, because it was so ridiculously out of place and so unlike me, maybe that’s why it felt so right.
Picking it up, I squeezed enough toothpaste onto it and brushed my teeth, looking around at the other stuff he’d left for me.
The bag I carried with me was sitting by the door, new towels and other assorted items were on the counter.
Finishing up, I got into the shower and once I was done and dried off, I got dressed, choosing a dark pair of jeans and a dark green sweater and teamed it with a low-heeled boot.
I smoothed my hair into a presentable bob and tidied up my belongings. Habit dictated that I was always ready to move, whether it was an unforeseen circumstance that forced me out, or a planned getaway, either way, I’d be ready.
My bag sat neatly beside the door, the spare change of clothes stuffed into the bag beside it and my personal items, always on my person. Habits like that made you intolerably paranoid to the average person but in the given company, no one thought it strange, in fact, most of us did the same—we lived minimalist lives.
The rest of the house was alive with music, soft tones of classical piano floated through the walls and a heavenly scent of pancakes and coffee teas
ed my senses.
‘Hey!’
My eyes shot up in the direction of the chirpy voice.
God. It was way too early to be this happy. I forced a smile when I spotted Clair. She was a few years younger than me and Alex and she was a lot more laid back.
How I envied her.
‘I didn’t know how you like your pancakes, so I made them all.’
‘Ah, wow. Thanks.’ I sat at the prepared table and took in the sight.
She wasn’t exaggerating, there were four kinds of pancakes, two pots of coffee, some bacon and juice.
‘You really didn’t need to do all this.’
‘Don’t worry, Alex eats like a horse. I’m sure he’ll eat whatever we don’t.’
Chuckling, I took the plate she handed me. Clair was just fourteen when I first met her, Alex and I hit it off straight away when we were assigned to the same squad, we were only kids ourselves then, just turned eighteen, left school with not much direction other than wanting to save then world. How far we’d come.
She was just as cheery then as she was now, and that brought a smile to my face. Just because everything else had gone south, didn’t mean her life had to.
‘Alex told me you had a bad dream.’
‘Sorry about that.’ I cringed, spotting the cardboard box full of broken shelves and photo frames, stashed away in the corner.
‘Don’t worry about it, I hated that stuff anyway. Dad made me keep it even though it was hideous. Now I have a real reason to buy new décor.’ She grinned.
‘How is your father?’
‘Yeah, he’s good, been enjoying his time at the beach, met a new lady. He’s happy.’
‘Where is he now, Mexico?’
‘Yeah, living the best life. Cocktails and surfing all day long.’
‘Good.’ I took a sip of coffee. ‘And you?’
‘I’m good too. Working at a library now, met a guy.’
‘I’m so glad.’
‘It’s been nice to have Alex back too.’ She added.
‘Must be hard.’
‘It is, but it’s important work he does, so I can’t be annoyed. It gets lonely, but I stay at Jarrod’s when he’s away, so it works out.’
‘That’s great.’ I smiled, taking another bite of the strawberry pancake. ‘Did he step out?’
‘He said he had to get some stuff for later, shouldn’t be gone too long.’
Nodding, I continued eating and when I noticed that Clair hadn’t taken a bite, I stopped and looked up at her.
‘What’s wrong?’
‘Alex was really worried about you, you know. All these years, I know how things ended in Iraq.’
Oh. I placed my fork down on the edge of the plate and smiled up at her. ‘Things were bad there. He did what he had to.’
‘I know that.’ She said quickly, almost like she’d figured out that I was about to shut down the conversation. ‘He didn’t talk about it much, but he regrets it every day.’
‘What?’
‘Leaving you.’
‘Clair—'
‘He was in love with you, I know you’ve questioned it. But he was. Still is if you ask me.’
My cheeks burned.
‘But he’d kill me if he heard me say that.’
My heart ached with each word that left her mouth and when I looked at her stuck by silence, she shook her head and her expression softened.
‘All I’m saying is whatever attitude he’s giving you, it’s because he just wants to make sure you’re safe.’ She paused for a few moments and gave me a look I couldn’t quite decipher. ‘This is hard for him too.’
‘I know, Clair, I do. But it’s complicated now and I’m probably not the best company either. We’ve both got a lot going on.’
‘You’re going to fix it though, that’s why you’re here. To stay off the radar where it’s safe?’
‘Yes.’ I nodded. Where it was safe. Was anywhere really safe for me anymore? ‘That’s the plan. Help everyone, not just people like us.’
‘Even the ones who want people like us dead.’
‘They’re afraid of what they don’t know, that’s all. They’re not all bad.’ I added.
‘I’ve read the reports he brings home, when he isn’t looking, I know what they do. They hate us.’
‘They’re afraid.’ I repeated. ‘People do stupid things when they’re afraid. Even people like us. But if we can help, then it’s our duty to help.’
‘It’s not your duty to sacrifice your life for them.’
‘No.’ I agreed. ‘But it is my job to do the best I can, however I can. And Alex, my team back in New York and even some of the best non-Sensitives I know here, in the FBI are going to help make this right.’
‘What if you can’t?’
‘Then we find another way.’
‘And if that fails?’
‘We keep trying, again and again, until we end this, until we find a resolution.’
Silence fell between the two of us. Clair’s mind wandered off and I sat in a pensive, melancholy mood—knowing we were about to walk into a battlefield with little or no chance of coming home, was a sobering thought.
‘I’m sorry. I know it’s none of my business.’
‘It’s fine,’ I said quietly.
She gave me a tight smile, but she didn’t believe it, just as I didn’t.
‘Thanks for these, they’re awesome.’ I nodded to the pancakes, trying to soften the mood a little.
Nothing I could say to her would make this uneasy feeling disappear, I knew that, I was usually on the receiving end, but this time, dishing it out, so to speak, was hard, it didn’t sit well with me but more than that, it hurt. I hated being told something wasn’t going to go to plan, I hated being the one told to stay back to let the big kids play. Sighing, I reached over for more pancakes and then stopped.
A sensation rippled through me, my eyes darting to the door, Clair’s following. Someone was here, a Sensitive.
After a quick search of my shield, I relaxed. ‘It’s Alex.’
She let out a long breath and sunk into her seat.
That was the reality now, always alert, always ready to fight.
Alex stepped inside, giving me a quick nod, turning his attention to the pancakes.
‘Made it just on time I see.’
***
Illarion
My eyes grew tired from sifting through file after file on the hard drive Dan managed to get to me.
There were some useful things I hadn’t seen before, like the information pertaining to the state senator who’d been found dead in his pool, a closet Sensitive. He’d been campaigning to eradicate the use of Sensitives in the army, seems he had ties to General Simmons. Taking my search a few years back, I saw that he also served on the front lines, long before Simmons became Ace’s general and long before Operation Lullaby came into force. What it all meant; I still didn’t know for sure. But we were getting closer.
I closed the laptop and stretched out my neck checking my phone. No calls, no messages. I released a tired breath and contemplated calling Ace, but we’d discussed this part already. Radio silence as long as necessary, I had to trust that me and Aurel could handle things on this end without involving her just yet.
Aurel was the best fighter I had and next to Alex, he was one of the only people I trusted, but now, after that conversation and knowing that he may not be on our side for much longer, I shuddered to think where we stood.
All I did know, was that I needed to make peace, I had to try and show him that this wasn’t Ace losing her mind.
So, with the rest of the afternoon set I made my way to the fridge, took a six pack of Corona’s and the small teddy I’d bought when Ace and I were going to first visit Lucy, before all this went to hell.
When I reached his apartment, I pulled up my shield and knocked.
A few seconds later, Anna came to the door, Lucy in her arms.
‘Hey kiddo.’ I smiled, presenting her with the b
ear. Lucy wrapped her tiny fingers around the bear’s hand and squealed. I smiled and turned my attention back to Anna.
‘Is Aurel in?’
‘He is.’ She stepped aside, letting her eyes linger on mine for a moment. ‘How are you?’
‘I’m fine, how are you doing? Settled in?’
She nodded, closing the door once I was inside, ‘Aurel’s gotten straight into it like he’d been here all along.’
‘And what do you think about it?’ I asked walking beside her, toward the back of the apartment.
Shrugging, she took her wine glass from the counter and brought it with her. ‘Look I know why we’re here, but it’s not ideal. Obviously, I was happy at home, but I get it.’
‘It’s for the best,’ I said without a second thought.
‘I know.’ She replied. ‘Aurel’s out the back, he said you were coming over.’
‘He did, did he?’
‘Said you needed to talk.’ She smiled.
‘Thanks.’
Knocking on the office door I stood back taking in the rest of the apartment. Toys and baby clothes littered the room, a soft melody from a kid’s show I didn’t recognize, travelled through the air. A heaviness settled in the pit of my stomach and everything suddenly felt too dense.
‘Illarion?’ Aurel cleared his throat, startling me.
‘Sorry.’
‘You okay?’ He stepped aside, searching my face.
‘Fine.’ I shoved the Coronas into his hand and pushed past him.
‘Thanks for this.’
‘No problem.’
‘I ordered pizza.’ He said dropping into the couch beside the window occupying himself with the bottle.
‘How’d you know I was coming?’
‘Didn’t.’ He popped one of the drinks open. ‘Hoped you would. Sit.’ He nodded to the couch.
When I did, he popped the lid off another and slid the drink across the table.
‘Remember when you first told me about Ace?’ He asked, turning his attention to the window overlooking the city.
Following his gaze, I looked outside, the sky was crystal clear, as blue as a perfect sky should be. I cleared my throat.
‘You told me she was too good for me.’
He laughed, taking another swig of his drink. ‘She still is.’
‘I agree.’
‘But do you remember what you said, about her, about who she is?’ He asked again.
Jack of Hart- Wild Card Page 29