“I’m fine. I saw your husband last week when he came to get Auggie. He looks so much like his dad.”
My stomach feels like it’s going to expel all its contents on the sidewalk at any minute. I had to work late one day last week, so Caden offered to get the boys from school. She knows what happened to Miles. Hell, she knew Miles in high school.
I give her a tight smile, deciding against opening my mouth because I’m not sure what will come out at the moment.
I tell Auggie it’s time to go and pull him toward the car.
I spend the rest of the night going through the motions while I make dinner and bathe the boys. They both fight me at bedtime, but I want nothing more than to lie in my bed.
I throw myself on the couch and sigh heavily once I’m finally alone. I turn my head toward the hall closet where I stuffed the box Glenna brought me this morning. I thought hiding it would help me forget about it, but the damn thing has been taunting me all day.
I walk to the kitchen to pour a glass of my favorite white wine, and then make my way to the closet, reaching for the top shelf. The damn thing slips out of my hands, and the contents scatter all over the floor.
“Fuck,” I mumble as I bend down to pick everything up, but my movements falter when I see one of our wedding pictures sitting on top the others. My breath catches in my throat, the tears behind my eyes fighting to get loose.
I wore an extravagant, ivory, strapless dress. I was much smaller right out of high school. Smaller and naive as to what the world had in store for me. I wish I could go back in time and warn my younger self about what the future held.
The dam breaks as tears start to flow freely down my face. I thought I cried enough for a lifetime earlier, but I guess I was wrong.
I set the wedding picture back in the box, and next I see one of Miles’s professional Army photos. He looked so handsome in his uniform, a serious look on his face with the American flag hanging behind him. My heart clenches. He loved our country and served it proudly.
I flip through more old pictures. Ones from our dating years and some of the first years we were married, before we had Auggie.
Deciding I’ve tortured myself enough for the night, I pile everything back in the box and set it on the coffee table. I grab my Kindle out of my room and settle into the couch with my wine glass but can’t get into the book I’m trying to read because my mind is in a million different places.
I remember that I still need to make Auggie and Jayce’s lunches for school tomorrow, so I head back to the kitchen. I check both their backpacks to make sure their teachers didn’t send anything home, and I pull out a picture that Jayce drew. I hold it up to get a better look, and my heart stops. I pull a chair out at the table and sit. I feel like everything that has happened today is some kind of sign. A sign that I’m never supposed to move on. I just want to curl up in my bed and sleep for the next week, but I’m frozen to the spot, unable to move from the table.
37
Caden
The alarm on my bedside table blares, and I moan into my pillow. I wasn’t planning on working a double last night, but someone called in and they needed me to stay for his shift. It isn’t often that I do it, so it’s not a big deal to help, but I’m definitely feeling my age about now.
I grab for my phone and see that I don’t have any missed calls or texts from Sierra. She had invited me to come for dinner tonight but then told me that she was sick. I text my mom to see if she can whip up a batch of soup for her and then head for the shower.
I allow the hot water to cascade down my body, to ease some of the tension in my muscles. We had a pretty eventful night and that helped it go a little faster, but it’ll be days before I’m caught up on sleep. Sierra was generous enough to invite Kenz over for dinner each night that I was working though. It’s nice to know that she cares about her too. I can already see a budding relationship between the two, and it makes me damn ecstatic. She never had that with Jasmine. I can’t imagine Kenz ever considering Sierra to be her mother because they are so close in age, but if nothing else, she’s gained a friend.
I quickly wash my hair and body and then shut the water off before hopping out. I want to get to Sierra as fast as I can to make sure she’s all right.
My mom has leftover soup from last night that she made for my dad because he was sick earlier this week. I don’t know what it is about the stuff, but it’s like a magic potion.
“Hey, Ma,” I holler into their large house as I walk through the front door.
“In the kitchen!” she yells back. “Kenz, your dad is here.” I had no idea my daughter was over here, but I must admit, I’d rather her be with my parents than with her boyfriend. He’s a nice kid, but no dad wants their daughter hanging out at some boy’s house every night.
I walk through the long hallway and see Kenz walking into the kitchen.
“Hey, Kenz.” I pull her into my arms and kiss the top of her head. “Did you eat something?” It’s a dumb question because neither one of us have ever gone home hungry after being at my parent’s house.
She nods. “Yep. Gram made baked spaghetti. Are you going over to Sierra’s? Is she okay?” It’s nice knowing that she approves of the woman I love. It would complicate things if she didn’t.
“Yeah, I’m just getting some of Gram’s soup to take to her.”
“Here you go,” my mom hands me a bowl of the piping concoction. It smells heavenly, and I’m hoping she packed enough for me too.
“Thanks, Ma.” I kiss her on the cheek. “Do you have any of those brownies left too?” my eyes search her counters for any evidence of sweets.
She rolls her eyes in exasperation. “Yes, let me get them. But you better share with Sierra.”
I chuckle. “Yes, ma’am.”
I tell Kenz and my mother goodbye and then make my way into the living room to see my dad before leaving. When I get into my truck, I try dialing Sierra, but it goes straight to voicemail. Strange. She never has her phone off, but maybe it died while she was sleeping.
I make the quick drive to her apartment building, thankful that traffic isn’t bad at this hour of the night. I’m exhausted but want to make sure she’s all right. She insisted that she was fine to take care of the boys tonight, but I feel like a dick for listening and going straight home after work.
I park and then grab the soup from the passenger seat and make my way inside. I dig the key she gave me out of my pocket, but the light in the hallway is out, so it’s hard to see the lock to open the door. I’ll have to remember to grab a bulb to change it for her. It’s silly for her to tell her landlord about it because it could be days before they come out.
With the soup balancing in one arm, I finally manage to get the door unlocked, and it creaks as I push it open.
When I walk in, I see that the TV is on, but the volume is turned completely down.
“Sier?” I walk through the living room toward the kitchen, and when I see my beautiful girl, I stop in my tracks. “Hey, you okay? Are you feeling better?”
Her head flies up, shock etched on her face. It’s obvious that she didn’t hear me open the door, which is concerning.
“What are you doing here?” I can’t tell if she just doesn’t feel well still or if she’s angry at me for coming.
“I brought soup.” I smile as I hold the bowl up for her to see. “Are you feeling any better?” I ask again, wondering why she didn’t want me to come when she’s well enough to be sitting at the kitchen table.
“Uh…” she mumbles, guilt written all over her face. What the hell is going on?
“What’s going on?” I take the seat next to her and grab her hand, but it’s then I realize the picture sitting in front of her on the table.
It’s a drawing with Jayce’s name written on the top in his little five-year-old handwriting. There are five stick people and they’re all labeled. “Mommy, Auggie, Jayce, Kenzie, and Daddy.” Daddy? My heart feels like it’s going to leap out of my chest.
I grab for the picture. “What’s this?”
“We need to talk.” She stands from her chair, and I notice the tear sliding down her cheek.
“Beautiful, what’s wrong?” I jump to my feet, gathering her into my arms, but she pushes me away. I have no idea what the fuck is going on, but I know it’s bad.
She walks toward the sink and rests her hands on both sides of it. Her shoulders rising and falling drastically as she takes deep breaths. I decide against walking toward her because it’s clear that she needs space and a minute to gather her thoughts.
After what feels like hours, she finally turns around and wipes at her face.
“I need you to tell me what you want from me.” The words come out on a whisper, and I almost don’t hear them.
“What?” I stare at her in confusion. “What are you talking about?”
She sighs. “Where do you see our relationship going? What are you hoping to get out of it?”
I start walking toward her, but she puts her hands up, a telltale sign that she doesn’t want me any closer.
“Did something happen? You’re confusing the hell out of me.” When I talked to her this morning, she was fine. I don’t know what happened between then and now.
“I’m going to ask one more time,” she repeats slowly. “What do you want from me?”
I decide to go with the honest truth, because she should know exactly where I see us in the near future.
“I want to buy a house with you. One with a fenced-in yard where the boys can play and run and not have to worry about being too loud. I also want to be married to you and watch your body change as you carry my child.”
A gasp leaves her lips, and I know that’s not the answer she was hoping for. I laid it all out there for her. She’s holding my heart in the palm of her hands right now, and I have a feeling it’s soon to be obliterated.
“But you don’t want the same,” I say matter-of-factly.
She shakes her head. “I can’t give you that.”
I finally open myself up to a woman. Allow myself to find love and be loved, and this is what fucking happens. I should have known better.
I raise my eyebrows at her, trying to be stronger than I’m feeling right now.
“You can’t or you won’t?”
“That’s not fair!” She throws her hands up in the air. “How dare you expect something from me that I’m incapable of giving.”
I yank at my hair as I stare up at the ceiling.
“I can’t keep competing with Miles.” My head is starting to spin, and my throat feels like it’s closing up as I’m having a hard time swallowing.
“What?” she gasps out. “I never said you had to compete with him.”
“No, you didn’t, but I want something from you that you’re not willing to give. If we keep this up, I’ll always be second place to you.”
“That’s not true,” she cries out. “I just can’t handle the thought of being hurt again.”
“So, you’re just never going to allow yourself to be happy?” I turn to walk out of the room, but her words stop me in my tracks.
“But I am happy with you.”
I spin back around. “No. If you were happy with me, you wouldn’t be upset about a picture your five-year-old drew that has me labeled as his father.” She doesn’t respond, the hurt and sadness marring her face making me want to punch something or someone. But I can’t be here. “I have to go.”
“Please don’t,” she cries on a whisper, and it feels like someone has taken a knife to my chest. No, I think that would feel better than the pain I’m currently experiencing.
I walk toward the door and she follows me, although I wish she wouldn’t. When I pass the coffee table, before I get to my exit, I notice the cardboard box sitting atop it. Beside it lays a wedding photo, and I immediately recognize the younger version of Sierra. She’s been going through pictures of Miles.
I grudgingly set the key she gave me beside the box.
“I love you and I know I always will,” I say as I grab onto the doorknob, my back to her. “I’m sorry I couldn’t be enough for you.”
With that I shove the door open and leave half my damn heart in that apartment, her wails coming through the door. Jasmine hurt me all those years ago when she left me and our daughter, but this? This is so much worse. I could see a future with this woman. A future she wants no part of.
38
Sierra
“How you holding up?” Claire asks as she pushes Jax and Emery in a double stroller around their neighborhood. It’s Halloween, so we’re following all the kids around as they load up on sugar that the three of us plan on stealing later. It’s only fair that we get a candy tax for giving birth to all of them, right?
I look to the sky, as if I’ll find the answer in the clouds.
“Honestly? I don’t know. I miss him like crazy, but I can’t give him what he wants.”
Avery grabs my arm. “Sier, what are you so afraid of?” She shakes her head. “Don’t get me wrong. I know that what you went through with Miles was terrible, but you deserve this.”
I breathe in heavily as I take in her words. I don’t think I’ve ever been as content as I was with that man, but I’m scared. I can’t lose someone again like I did before. I got through Miles’s death, but I guarantee that I wouldn’t bounce back from something like it again.
I snap back to the present when Jayce comes running up to me with his overhaul of candy. I don’t know how the plastic pumpkin hasn’t collapsed yet. Yeah, they positively will not be keeping all that.
“Mommy, can we go to the big scary house?” he asks as he jumps up and down in excitement. Clearly the boy has already been raiding his stash while going door-to-door.
I have to chuckle at the sight in front of me. He’s dressed as the blue Power Ranger, but his mask is all twisted on his face, and I’m pretty sure I see chocolate smeared all over his mouth. His brother is a Ninja Turtle, so they make quite the pair.
“Sure, let’s go.” I grab his little hand and pull us toward the “big scary house.”
Once all the kids are on the front porch, grabbing candy from the man dressed as a zombie, my two best friends sidle up beside me.
Avery nudges me. “When you were with that man, you always had a damn smile on your face. Why won’t you just let yourself have that with him?”
It’s thankfully dark out, so they can’t see the wandering tear that cascades down my cheek. I’ve done more than enough crying over the last week, so it’s a wonder that my eyes haven’t dried up like the Sahara yet.
“Does this have anything to do with the Wicked Witch’s visit last week?”
“No. Maybe. I just felt like all this shit happened in one day. It was like the universe was trying to tell me that I wasn’t supposed to be with him.”
Avery wraps her arm around me as we start to follow the kids to the next house.
“No, that wasn’t the universe. That was the bitch trying to get into your head and it looks like you let her.”
“What are you talking about?” I ask as I stop behind them.
“For whatever reason, Glenna doesn’t think that you should get to be happy again because her son died, but fuck her. She doesn’t get to decide what you do or who you’re with. You didn’t do anything to deserve the shit you’ve been dealt, Sier. You don’t have to punish yourself for wanting to move on.”
Her words make my chest feel like someone put a hundred-pound brick on it. The ache I’ve felt since Caden left my apartment has been continual, and I feel like it’s never going to go away. It has to get easier though, right? I was so confused that night he came over. I needed him to know where I stood in our relationship, but I honestly didn’t expect for him to march out the door just moments after arriving, my heart in the palm of his hand. I had told him not to come by because I wasn’t ready to see him, but I ended up having to face yet more heartache before I could go to sleep. Who the hell am I kidding? I didn’t sleep at all. I la
id on my bed but stirred from side to side until the sun peeked through my window the next morning.
“Can we be done talking about this? I just want this to be a fun night for the boys.”
“Yeah,” They both gather me into a hug and kiss each of my cheeks.
“We just love you.”
I smile at the two women who have kept me going all these years. Even from opposite sides of the country, they were my strength when I couldn’t find my own. And here they are, yet again, picking me up when I feel like life will never be okay for me.
We head back to Claire and Ryke’s house where we have apple cider and pumpkin cupcakes from the bakery. They seem to be a hit for my customers because this time of year half the population seems to be pumpkin spice-obsessed.
I’m sitting at the counter talking to the girls when I see Anthony walk in. Does he not have anything better to do on Halloween night than hang out with his married friends and all their kids?
He gives me a small smile as he takes the barstool beside me.
“Hey, Sierra.” I see the pity in the look he gives me. I’m sick of people feeling sorry for me. I did this to myself though. I thought he would just be happy to be with me. But for how long did I think he’d be satisfied with what we were doing?
“Hey.” I take a sip from my cider.
He looks around the room, seeming to make sure no one is listening in on our conversation and then shakes his head before he speaks.
“He’s a wreck.”
I close my eyes as I inhale and then breathe out heavily.
“I’m guessing he told you everything?” Anthony is one of his closest friends, so it really shouldn’t surprise me, especially when they see each other at work every day.
Reawakened: The Unexpected Series Page 17