Lord Seeks Wife: A hilariously funny romantic comedy

by Heather Barnett

  Elaine cleared her throat.

  ‘Lady Caroline, Your Lordship, Mr de Beeble. I think I speak for all of us when I say we have intruded on your privacy too long. We will take our leave, if we can extract a promise from that woman,’ she jerked her chin at Saskia, ‘to print a full written apology.’

  Henry, with some difficulty, dragged his thoughts back to the present.

  ‘Could you explain the situation?’

  Elaine told him about the photographs in The Vacuum: Saskia sitting in sulky silence as she spoke.

  ‘And if Saskia prints a full apology, perhaps over a double-page spread in the magazine, as well as compensating you all for your distress, would that help?’

  Elaine replied that it would, the others murmuring their agreement.

  ‘I think perhaps compensation of,’ Henry mused for a moment, ‘five thousand pounds each would be fair, don’t you?’

  Saskia looked outraged while the others nodded with enthusiasm. She started to protest but Henry interrupted.

  ‘If I were you, Saskia, I would settle out of court. A court case could look very bad for you and the magazine. The de Beeble family would be prepared to finance any action our fellow villagers decided to bring against you.’

  She glared at him for a moment and then capitulated. ‘Oh, whatever, man. Fine. Have your stinking money. I’ve got my integrity.’

  A buzz of excited chatter was interrupted by Elaine rising with a majestic flourish of her shawl and bowing to the de Beebles.

  ‘Our sincere thanks to you all. We will leave you in peace.’ She swept off the terrace followed by Ted and the others, with Lorraine walking backwards and curtseying every other step.

  Derek and Sinead brought up the rear; Sinead seeming to linger as the others disappeared into the house. She paused on the threshold and placed a hand on her hip.

  ‘By the way. Don’t want to marry His Lordship anymore. Going to marry him’ – jerking her head towards Derek. ‘Going to have a baby. We’re… happy.’ A wide, genuine smile crossed her face, the first Alice had ever seen on that countenance. ‘So take your Countess of Pantling and stick it up your arse! Who’d want to end up like her,’ she continued, pointing at an outraged Lady Caroline. ‘Me and Derek are setting up a security business. Got it all sorted. Stuff the lot of you!’ Derek put an arm round her shoulders and gave her a proud squeeze. He started to lead her into the house but assuming a businesslike air, she darted down the stairs and pressed a pile of business cards into Noblet’s hand. ‘Don’t hesitate to give us a call if you need security, Your Lordship. Tell your friends.’ Without another word, they both disappeared into the house.

  Noblet and Henry looked shell-shocked. Lady Caroline was throwing surreptitious glances at Mia. Alice was trying not to catch anyone’s eye and watching the departing villagers as if she should join them. Saskia was frowning and drumming her fingers on the table. To Mia she said, ‘So, you haven’t been having an affair with Henry.’

  Mia laughed and Henry looked up, amazed. ‘No, of course not! I’ve known all along he and Noblet were my half-brothers. And as you know, I’m married.’

  Saskia nodded. ‘To an Argentinian called Hector Falcone. I’ve got a copy of your marriage certificate.’

  ‘Bravo. You’ll make an investigative journalist after all.’

  Lady Caroline was now openly staring at Mia. ‘You were right, you know. Something about the look of you this morning brought it all back: it was as if your father were standing there before me. He was such a handsome man. I always knew you would be beautiful.’

  ‘Is he still alive?’ asked Henry.

  It was Mia who answered. ‘No. He died twenty years ago.’

  ‘And was he…?’ He raised his eyebrows at Lady Caroline. ‘Was he also my father?’

  She dropped her eyes and motioned yes with her head.

  ‘Well I’ll be…’ said Noblet, running his fingers through his already dishevelled hair. ‘Well I’ll be… What this situation calls for is booze, and lots of it.’ He stomped across the terrace into the house. A second later he popped his head out again. ‘You don’t have any revelations about my patrimony, do you, Mother? Another exotic lover of yours? A souvenir of your travels around south-east Asia perhaps?’

  ‘Don’t be silly, Nobby.’

  ‘Thought not,’ he said as he went back inside.

  When he returned he was clutching a bottle of champagne. Sally and Martyr followed with a tray of glasses.

  ‘Brought Sally and Martyr out to meet the newest member of the family!’ he announced. ‘Sally, Martyr, meet Mia Wild-de-Beeble, our sister.’

  Popping the cork, he poured out the champagne, handing a glass to Saskia who put it straight down on the table without looking at it.

  ‘Listen, babe,’ she said to Henry, ‘I don’t give a shit about any of this. You’ve got a sister, that’s great. Weird, but great. I just want you back. I did all this to show you how much I love you. Please,’ she reached out and took his hand, ‘tell me we can give it another shot.’

  Henry drew his hand away.

  ‘I’m sorry, Saskia,’ he said in a low voice, very aware of having spectators. ‘I feel the same as I did when we broke up. I hope you find someone else and are happy, but I’m not the man for you. I’m not going to change my mind.’

  Her eyes searched his face for any sign of vacillation, then she picked up her handbag from the floor and rushed, sobbing, through the house. They heard the front door slam.

  ‘Another toast,’ said Noblet. ‘Good riddance to bad rubbish!’

  ‘Not very good taste, dear,’ reproved his mother.

  Noblet ignored her. ‘To Mia! I, for one, am delighted to find out that you are my sister and I don’t have to marry you. If I had to spend the rest of my life with you, I’d have a nervous breakdown.’

  ‘Of course,’ gasped Sally. ‘That means there’s only one young lady left.’

  ‘Yes,’ agreed Noblet. As one, they all turned to look at Alice. Her cheeks, which had resumed normal service, flushed red again.

  ‘Oh no! I’m sorry,’ she stammered. ‘That’s what I came here to say. I wrote it all in the card. And I brought a cake to apologise for messing you around. I don’t want to marry you.’

  ‘Indeed!’ exclaimed Lady Caroline, drawing herself up to her full height. ‘The de Beeble name isn’t good enough for you, perhaps?’

  ‘It’s not that…’ muttered Alice.

  ‘That’s lucky.’ Without anyone noticing, Henry had moved across the terrace to stand beside Alice. He turned her towards him so her back was to the rest of the group. ‘I’m very glad you don’t want to be Her Ladyship. I’m hoping one day you might agree to be plain old Mrs de Beeble. After we’ve done all the normal stuff people do, you know – getting to know each other on dates that don’t involve my brother and fifty other women, that kind of thing.’

  Her heart was pounding and she couldn’t stop smiling as she replied, ‘That sounds good. It’ll be nice to go on a date where I don’t have to bring my CV.’

  Once he’d stopped kissing her and she’d stopped kissing him back she muttered, very aware of their audience, ‘I don’t understand, though. I thought you weren’t interested. You seemed so cold.’

  ‘I thought I was being selfish,’ he explained. ‘Bob was the one looking for a wife. What right did I have to stand in his way? Then I realised I was being an idiot. Bob doesn’t love you and I was pretty sure you didn’t love him.’ He turned to his brother. ‘That’s right isn’t it, Bob. You don’t want to marry Alice?’

  ‘Oh God, no,’ Noblet confirmed, horror spreading over his face. ‘No offence.’ (Alice shook her head to indicate none had been taken.) ‘I don’t want to marry anyone. Not even the lady who knew so much about Collins.’

  Noblet looked around him. At his newly-discovered half-sister. At the empty space where the lady who knew so much about Collins had been. At his brother and Alice standing close together, Henry’s arm around her shoulder
s.

  ‘Well, Mother. I hope you can admit I did everything humanly possible to find a wife. Now, will you give it all up and help me run the estate again?’

  ‘Nobby,’ she growled, ‘you are a silly, silly boy.’

  ‘Is that a yes?’

  She glared at him for a moment, then threw up her hands. ‘Fine! You’ve proved it. You are unmarriageable.’

  Noblet raised his glass, pink with pleasure. ‘That’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.’

  Dear Reader,

  Thank you for reading LORD SEEKS WIFE. The idea was based on wondering what would happen if you crossed the ‘open audition; format of reality TV shows with a quintessential English village, peopled with eccentric characters and different social classes. Plus I’ve always been fascinated by the weird and wonderful announcements to be found in local newspaper classified ads - in LORD SEEKS WIFE that became the Situations Vacant section where Lord de Beeble advertises for a wife.

  If you’d like to get involved in a wider conversation about my books, please review LORD SEEKS WIFE on Amazon, GoodReads, Bookbub, on any other online bookseller, on your own blog and social media accounts, or talk about it with friends, family or reading groups! Sharing your thoughts helps other readers, and I always enjoy hearing about what people experience from my writing.

  Thanks again for your interest in this novel. For news about all my books, please visit me at my website – www.heatherbarnettauthor.com or join the discussion on Twitter and Instagram @WritesHeather.

  All the best,

  Heather

  Acknowledgements

  I would love to list out all my friends and family in this section, and all the people who’ve been such vocal supporters of my work. I’ve been told we don’t have room, so I’m leaving a space here. You know who you are - say the word and I’ll write your name in by hand: ……………………………………………..

  This book is very close to my heart so it was a joy to find that my publisher, Serpentine Books, was equally enthusiastic about it. I’m incredibly grateful for their hard work and vision bringing it into the world.

  I’m grateful to my editor Amanda from LetsGetBooked, and proof reader Abbie from Abbie-Editorial.

  Thank you to three more very important ‘A’s who read, said kind and constructive things about, and generally supported the writing of, this book: Adele Barnett-Ward, Alix Hunt and Anya Tobin.

  My thanks for too many things to fit on this page go to: the Barnetts – Joan & Bill, Nicholas, Hsiu-Fang, Rachel, Hugh; and the Barnett-Wards: Ed, Nathaniel, Griffin, Rory and Rosalind.

  Thank you to Rosie Ruddock for the loan of an important family name.

  Thank you to David Hart for keeping me relatively sane throughout.

  Finally, my general gratitude goes to all the eccentric characters in life who make the world a more entertaining place to be.

  Also by Heather Barnett…

  ACTS OF KINDNESS

  Dream Job. Fresh Start. Big Mistake.

  When Bella Black arrives in a sleepy Wiltshire village, it seems like the perfect place for a new start: a lovely home, exciting job and an attractive colleague or two to take her mind off her recent divorce.

  When people start disappearing, she realises she holds the key to a mystery bigger than she could have ever imagined.

  Who is really pulling the strings at the secretive OAK Institute?

  Can anyone be trusted?

  Will Bella make the right choices before it's too late?

  fast-paced and fun…a terrific distraction from real life’ —WI Life

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