by Andy Coffey
doesn’t.’
‘He’s from our home town, you know,’ Dennis, High Priest of The Brotherhood of the Alligator, shouted over, pointing at Elvis.
‘Is he, now?’ replied Thor. ‘Have you met him?’
‘Well, we visited his grave once and said hello, but he must have been out,’ Bernard, High Priest of The Brotherhood of the Alligator, replied.
‘Have you two been sacrificed recently by any chance?’ asked Hercules.
‘Indeed,’ answered Dennis, ‘we were told we had been specially chosen by Arthur, our Lord Alligator.’
‘Yes, I can see why.’
‘Anyway,’ Hercules continued, ‘after the last vision debacle with Tiahuizcalpantecuhtil I’m sure that Elvis will do a much better job.’
‘Why, what happened?’ Thor asked.
‘Well, he went to a planet in the Dyslexia-Prime system and gave them a morning prayer that included saying his name 47 times. Most of the population died out in the first week.’
‘And so, it gives me great pleasure to present this year’s “Vision of Honour” prize to Elvis Presley,’ Vishnu said, handing over the commemorative scroll.
‘Thankyuhverramuch,’ said Elvis.
Addendum – ‘Vision of Honour’
On the tiny planet of Weyweydoun word had got out and a large crowd had gathered on the plains of Extrixieth. Priest Milliwopple had had a dream, so it was said, and this dream foretold that a wonderful vision would appear today in the sky at 12:03 pm, and would speak of love, hope and unity. Everyone was very excited and the souvenir vendors were already rubbing their hands with glee.
12:03 pm arrived and the crowd turned their eyes skyward. ‘Speak to us, our Lord, as was prophesised, we await your blessing,’ Priest Milliwopple exhorted to the sky.
Almost imperceptibly at first, the light appeared. It grew rapidly in incandescence, its brilliance illuminating the field below until it soon shone brighter than the sun… and then…
‘Way, Way Down’, sang Elvis.
‘The Lord speaks to us!’ Priest Milliwopple cried, turning to the crowd.
‘Ahh,’ said the crowd.
‘By what name are you known, oh Lord?’ he continued, shaking as he spoke.
‘I am the king,’ said Elvis.
‘Oh, our King, we are forever blessed!’ cried Priest Milliwopple.
‘We are forever blessed!’ cried the crowd.
‘Are you known by any other names, oh King?’
‘Elvis,’ said Elvis.
‘All praise King Elvis!’ shouted Priest Milliwopple.
‘All praise King Elvis!’ shouted the crowd.
‘Oh, King Elvis, we have waited for your coming for countless ages. You have brought light and hope into our lives!’
‘I’m all shook up,’ sang Elvis.
‘He is all shook up!’ cried Priest Milliwopple.
‘He is all shook up!’ cried the crowd.
‘Oh, King Elvis, we feared we had been abandoned and that no one was watching over us.’
‘You were always on my mind,’ sang Elvis.
‘Praise the King!’ said the crowd.
‘But, King Elvis, where have you been all this time?’ Priest Milliwopple asked. ‘We have felt alone in the darkness, with no one to guide us.’
‘In the Ghetto,’ sang Elvis.
‘Ah, and now you have finally come to us, your people. We will worship you always!’
‘You don’t have to say you love me.’
‘Oh, King Elvis, but to worship you will fulfil our lives and allow us to honour your magnificence. How shall we do this?’ Priest Milliwopple implored.
‘Love me tender,’ crooned Elvis.
‘We will love you tender!’ cried Priest Milliwopple.
‘We will love you tender!’ the crowd shouted, adoringly.
‘Please let me through, let me through,’ a woman pleaded, pushing through the assembled throng.
‘Oh, King Elvis, I have sinned. In order to feed my family I have sold myself to men, women and cattle for their pleasure. Could you please find it in your heart to forgive me so I can once again feel at peace with myself?’
There was silence and the crowd sighed.
‘That’s all right mama,’ sang Elvis.
‘She is forgiven, she is forgiven!’ the crowd shouted.
‘King Elvis,’ a man called out, ‘some of us have been enticed by the Great Fido, the canine deity of Poochbarkia. Why should we now worship you?’
‘He ain’t nothin' but a hound dog.’
‘All hail the King!’ yelled the crowd.
‘Wise King Elvis,’ another man shouted, ‘we have been at war with our neighbours, the Pisspithians, for many years. Now they say they want peace, but we do not know if we can trust them. We have a meeting to discuss a truce tomorrow, what shall we say?’
‘We can’t go on together with suspicious minds.’
‘Praise the King!’ shouted the man.
‘Praise the King!’ shouted the crowd.
‘How would you have us live our lives so that we can serve you, oh noble King Elvis?’ said another.
‘Don’t be cruel,’ Elvis crooned.
‘We will not be cruel!’ the crowd cried.
‘Great King Elvis, we wish to be recognised as your people wherever we go. Shall we wear any particular vestments or apparel in your honour?’ Priest Milliwopple asked.
‘Blue, blue, blue suede shoes,’ sang Elvis.
‘We will wear them always, for we love you King Elvis!’
‘We love you King Elvis!’ sang the crowd.
‘I can’t help falling in love with you,’ sang Elvis.
And with that the light started to diminish in intensity, slowly fading back into the azure sky.
‘Oh, great King Elvis we, your people, will forever remember this day of all days and will try to live as you have instructed. You have enriched our souls and we are forever grateful!’ cried Priest Milliwopple.
‘Praise King Elvis! Praise King Elvis!’ the crowd cried.
‘Thankyuhverramuch,’ said Elvis.
And so Elvisolothism was born on Weyweydoun and soon swept the entire planet. A truce was declared with Pisspithians, the Great Fido was put in a kennel and the Plains of Extrixieth now house the largest manufacturer of blue suede shoes in the Multiverse.
Appendix 3 – The Frothy Ale Tsunami of ‘87
And so it was that in the year of the Great Beetle, 1987, a cataclysm of proportions not seen since the Bucket of Water Dropping of 1960 engulfed our world. It had been predicted in the Ancient Book of Fleas that a deluge like no other would cover the land, and that this liquid would change the lives of all forever. And so it was so. And then some.
Although there is no one alive to tell the tale now, it was handed down through the generations by word of mouth, until it was finally recorded in the Book of Catastrophes version 2.1.2.2. This has now become the accepted version, although many feel it has been overly embellished and that, unlike version 2.1.2.1, is no longer a true representation of the monumental events experienced that day. Nevertheless, scholars of the religious texts have verified it as genuine. The following is an abridged extract:
‘And the Great Beetle came before the woodlice and said, “Unto ye I now give warning. There are waters above that will soon be on the ground, and these are waters like ye have never seen before. For they are golden in colour and are frothy”. And the woodlice genuflected before the Great beetle and thanked him for letting them know.
Then, one of their order, a brave woodlice by the name of Gnawer, stood tall and asked “Oh Great Beetle, what are we to do when the waters come? How are we to be saved?”
And the Great Beetle let out a mighty sigh…
“The waters will engulf all of thy land. No creature will be able to escape the mighty tides, and anyone caught in its frothy waves will surely perish.”
“Then surely we need to be above the waves, in some kind of receptacle, say,” Gnawer said to the Gre
at Beetle.
And the Great Beetle looked down upon Gnawer and said “Dost thou not think that I hath not considered that, you cheeky little beggar?”
The other woodlice sensed the Great Beetle’s chagrin at Gnawer’s temerity, and genuflected even more. But Gnawer stood tall and said “Actually, no, I don’t think you did”.
And the Great Beetle went off in a huff.
Then Gnawer stood on the Sacred Peanut and shouted at the top of his voice “I will gather little bits of wood and straw, and some sticky stuff, and I will build for us a boat. This boat will carry us to safety when the frothy waters come. And I will call this boat ‘Gnawer’s Ark’.”
And all the woodlice went “Ahhhh.”
And so it was that Gnawer’s Ark was built, and all the woodlice, plus two each of the other insects in what was known as “Barland”, climbed aboard and waited for the waters to arrive.
Then, on a particularly noisy night, a lookout on the Ark peered up into the dusty sky and saw a shining light, and heard a booming voice, which said “Oh, bugger, I’ve dropped it.”
And then the waters came, a massive torrent from above. And the sky was filled… until the waters hit the ground, and then the ground was filled.
Gnawer shouted down to the insects in the Ark “So it was foretold, and so it is! But we will be safe here in the Ark, for the waters will lift it up and carry it and all of us to eventual safety!”
And all the insects cheered and gave praise to Gnawer.
However, not all of the insects managed to get to the Ark and they were swept away by vast, frothy tidal waves. As many ingested the waters and began to drown, they went mad. Some sang silly songs; some tried to copulate; and others floated off, vainly in search of a Kebab shop.
But the Ark rode the mighty waves with ease, with Gnawer steering the tiller as if the Great