by Andy Coffey
Beetle himself had given him the power of ten wood lice… or five wood lice, if they exercised a lot.
And soon, land came into view. “We will come to rest on that mountain!” Gnawer shouted. And so it was so.
And as the Ark came to rest on the mountain known as “Mount Arrowroot Biscuit”, the waters receded and there was much rejoicing. But, this was sadly short lived. Suddenly the sky became dark once more and all of a sudden a mighty forest came into view.
“Oh, look, an enchanted forest,” shouted one.
“Ah, yes,” said another. “And it appears to be heading this way!”
“And look over there,” shouted yet another. “The land has become like metal, and is angled upwards to the sky! We are doomed! The Great Beetle is angry and he has turned his wrath towards us. We must pray!!”
And so they all prayed to The Great Beetle, but he answered them not. He was still in a huff.
And the forest met the land and the Ark was rendered into pieces. But, so it was told, the insects survived and began a new life in a wonderful new place, filled with exotic foods and strange landscapes. They named it “Binland”.
To this day, many do not believe that Binland exists, for none have been able to find it. Nevertheless, many still believe.
And so it is and so it shall ever be.’
Appendix 4 – History of the Cestrian Music Tournament
The Cestrian Music Tournament was first held in 1887, at the ‘Prancing Parson’ pub in the centre of Chester. It was sponsored by a local fishmonger, Ely Slapflipper, who took great delight in singing to his fish while he gutted them. His singing soon attracted other like-minded fishmongers (and one recalcitrant florist), who were inspired to sing by the aroma of fish. And so was born ‘Ely and the Gills’.
Following accusations of lip-synching from the local tailor, Sigmund Stitchit, and his group of singing tailors, ‘The Trouser Wafters’, Ely sent out a challenge to any musical group in Chester to meet them in a tournament that would decide who really was the best.
Word of the challenge spread and feverish excitement gripped the city. The owner of the Prancing Parson, Ivor Bigbottle, offered his establishment as a venue, and the ‘Chester Trumpet’ newspaper ran a plethora of articles and advertisements.
The list of contestants grew, with the final line-up as follows:
Ely and the Gills - Vocal harmony group (featuring Hilda Ribber on fish bones)
The Trouser Wafters - Vocals and rhythmical zipping
Stan Anvil and the Pots - Instrumental percussion (a group of ironmongers who are credited as the founders of heavy metal)
Penelope Poodle’s Parsnips - Lady’s quartet of musical vegetables
The Cheesesniffers - Musical cheese sniffing* and cheek slapping
Wally Washboard’s Scrubbers - High-energy melodic clothes cleaning with three-part harmony vocals
Brassy Bill and the Bottlers - Tuba and bottle-blowing