by Andy Coffey
* Cheese sniffing was not considered a crime in 1887.
On the night of the contest the city was wild, the Prancing Parson was packed, and the first ever merchandising stall was opened by Timmy Tout. A raffle was held to select the judging panel, with controversy infiltrating events not for the first time. Objections were raised and some mild protests descended into scuffles, but it was agreed that the results of the raffle stood. And so, John Firmudder-Curlyfleece became the first sheep to ever sit on a judging panel of a music competition. He was joined by the Policeman, Bob Copbobby, and the Fireman, Andy Allablaze.
And so as the tournament got underway, the city bore witness to some astonishing music and some sterling cheese sniffing. After all seven acts had performed, the judges deliberated earnestly before selecting Wally Washboard’s Scrubbers as the winners. However, the decision was tainted with controversy when Ely Gill accused the judges of accepting bribes by way of free clothes laundering. This was hotly refuted at the time, although rumours continued to circulate, particularly when a consignment of washboards arrived at the local Police and Fire Stations the following week.
Such was the popularity of the tournament, it was agreed by a select group of sponsors that it would be held again the following year. And so it has been ever since. Over the years there have been many success stories, and also much heartbreak. Worldwide stars have been born and some musical careers have been shattered. For every million-selling artist, such as Hoochie Coochie and the Coos, there are also sometimes painful stories of the losers, such as the tragic tale of Dick Down’s Delicates, where defeat was met with disbelief, many tears and the public shredding of their stage underpants.
The Tournament is now recognised as the largest and most prestigious in the land and is beamed live across the civilised world, and also to Scotland.