by Lisa Hobman
I drove as fast as I could to the marina through the sheet of rain that battered my windscreen. By the time I reached Little Blue the torrent was hammering down even harder and I was soaked to the skin. I jumped on board, started the engine and untied the line on the mooring.
The water was choppy and the boat was tossed around like a rag doll as I made my way out into open water past the jagged rocks that edged the small harbour. My damned bucket was thrown overboard by the bouncing and crashing of the boat as a fifteen-foot wave hit. The sky was almost black except for the flashes of lightning that lit up the area like the midday sun. Those poor lads were out there somewhere, terrified, soaking wet, and freezing cold. My determination to find them alive drove me forward.
I caught sight of their orange dinghy about half a mile off shore. How the hell they had drifted out there I didn’t know, but it scared the hell out of me watching them being thrown over every wave that hit. My heart drummed at my ribcage and my pulse quickened. Little Blue wasn’t equipped for rough seas, especially in her current condition. And I had no idea if I would even get out there, but I had to try.
I had to.
I pushed on ahead going as fast as I possibly could, but the waters were so very rough and the boat was beginning to take in water. I had nothing with me to bail it out and so I had no other choice but to forge ahead. Lightning flashed again, striking a distant point, and I swiped the rain from my face, scrunching my eyes to try and make out the dinghy. I’d lost sight of it and dread washed over me.
After what felt like hours but was probably more like minutes, I could hear the coastguard’s helicopter overhead, but I couldn’t make out much thanks to the rain battering my face and body. Suddenly a huge wave crashed into the boat and we hit a rock to the starboard side. I was thrown into the sea, managing to suck in a deep breath before I was pulled under. I had no idea which way was up and I flailed my arms, desperately trying to make it to the surface before my lungs emptied. Filled with panic, I broke into the cold evening air and gasped, trying my best to pull much-needed oxygen into my lungs. I grappled for the hull of the boat and felt splinters pierce my skin. The wet wood was slimy and slipped under my hands, making holding on even more difficult. I wouldn’t be able to hold on for long.
Lightning lit up the heavens and the words Little Blue were illuminated for a split second before I was thrown back into darkness.
I fought to clamber back on board but Little Blue capsized with the next wave, pulling me under a second time. I opened my eyes and the freezing-cold water stung like a thousand needles. The water was black and I could see nothing at all. I moved my arms frantically through the water as my lungs burned, hoping once more that I was going in the right direction. Flailing, I made it to the surface and gasped for air but pulled in water as well this time. I began to choke and tried to cough out the saltwater I’d inhaled. My throat stung and the pain in my lungs was excruciating.
Grasping the sharp pieces of wood that were floating on the surface, I frantically looked around again. As I clung on I thought about those poor boys. I was a grown man, but they were youngsters with their whole lives ahead of them. Okay, I’d made enough mistakes for ten men, but at least I’d had the opportunity to live and to love. My heart ached at the thought of my rescue attempt failing. Yet again, I’d let down someone I cared about. And now I’d be lost at sea and people would have to deal with my mistakes and my failings… as they always did. Anger at my own weakness tugged at me and I gripped what was left of Little Blue harder until more splinters pierced my skin and I could see trails of blood, garish in the flickers of lightning, seeping from the puncture wounds.
I thought of Mallory, back at the pub, her blue eyes sparkling as she served the customers, making them feel important in that special way she had. They all loved her, just as I did. What was there not to love? She would be distraught when she heard I’d gone. I know we were nothing more than friends, but I could imagine her heart breaking all over again as it did when she lost Sam. How could I be so stupid? Why did I have to play the hero? I should’ve let the real heroes do their job, but instead I went gung-ho as I always do and I was facing the prospect of losing my life.
Images of Mallory’s beautiful face flashed through my mind as I imagined her crying over my death. I didn’t want to put her through that. She didn’t deserve to go through that again. Not for me. I wasn’t worth it. And I had caused her so much pain as it was. But in a small way I wanted her to think of me as a hero. Her hero. From the beginning I’d wanted to save her, but instead she’d saved me. And now I was going to die without being able to say thank you.
Without seeing her face again.
Without holding her again.
An angry cry ripped from my chest and my heart shattered as another wave crashed into me and Little Blue, tossing us around like feathers on a breeze. Bits of wood flew through the air and hit me on my head, face and arms. My legs were beginning to go numb where they were submerged under the icy torrent.
As I waited there and thought about what could have been, my eyes blurred. Fear wasn’t something I’d ever really felt before. But now I was scared. Not about dying but about never getting the chance to say sorry to Mallory properly. I didn’t want to be lost at sea, broken apart like an old boat. I wanted to see her again. I wanted the possibility of trying to convince her to forgive me. The last thing I wanted was to make her cry again. But I knew she would. I knew that, in spite of what we’d been through, she would grieve all over again, and it would be for me this time.
An ominous roar rushed towards me. When I looked up, a wall of black water was looming above me. There was nothing I could do except snatch a breath before the sea crashed around me, tearing me away from the boat and tossing and tumbling me in its depths until I couldn’t hold my breath any longer.
Chapter Forty-eight
My eyelids fluttered open and my head hurt like hell. Where the hell was I? I wasn’t in the water anymore. Was I dead? Confusion clouded my mind and I called out, ‘Mallory.’ But when my voice left my body it was nothing more than a strangled whisper.
I must have drifted off because the next time I opened my eyes there was a woman hovering over me. I tried to touch her face, but I couldn’t raise my hand. I was so very weak. ‘Mallory… Mallory,’ I whispered again.
‘Who’s Mallory, love? Can we call her for you?’
‘Mallory…’ Everything went black once again.
*
I had no idea how much time had passed or whether I was in fact awake at the time, but I heard voices. My eyes wouldn’t open and everything echoed as if I were at the end of a very long tunnel. Maybe I was dreaming? Maybe I was dead? The cruelty of my imagination ripped at my heart as I heard her voice in my head.
‘Greg, I want you to know that I’m sorry for how I reacted when you told me about Alice. You said you don’t love her and I should’ve accepted that. It doesn’t matter that you’re still married if you don’t love her. It’s just a piece of paper that can be dealt with… You said you love me. I should have just been happy and now I’m scared I’m going to lose you, too. You need to get better, Greg. You need to come home.’
The voice faded, and when I opened my eyes again, I was standing on the bridge over the Atlantic at night. The crescent moon was high in the sky and the stars dotted the dark canvas around it like tiny jewels. Glancing to my left, I gazed into the sparkling eyes of my true love.
She leaned in and stroked my hair. Her touch was soft and I felt myself relaxing as I gazed at her. God, she was beautiful.
‘It’s strange how it’s taken something like this to kick me up the arse and make me realise exactly how I feel. I was intent on talking things through with you tonight to see if we could get past what happened between us. But when I found out that you had gone missing, I thought through everything we’ve been through. The arguments, the kisses, the laughs. And it dawned on me. Nothing else matters.’
I opened my mouth to reply to Mallory
, but no words would form. I crumpled my brow and tried again as panic washed over me. Why couldn’t I answer her? She would think I didn’t care.
She continued, ‘The thing that matters most is that I love you, Greg.’ The moonlight glistened on her cheeks, betraying her tears, and I tried to reach out but again I couldn’t will my body to act. ‘Greg, can you hear me?’ I tried to reply. I could hear the panic in her voice. Why can’t I speak? I need to answer her. ‘Greg, I’m in love with you. Please don’t leave me. I’m stupid and I’m stubborn and self-righteous. I judged you and made assumptions about you and I was so, so wrong. You told me exactly how you felt and I threw it back in your face. And now I realise that I love you and don’t want to be without you. It doesn’t matter how soon this has happened. It’s no one’s fault. It doesn’t make it wrong. Please just wake up and tell me you still love me.’ Wake up? I don’t…
Mallory faded away and once again my mind disconnected with cognitive thought.
*
I opened my eyes and stared up at a white ceiling. A strange-smelling clear mask covered my face tightly and a cold stream of air was being forced into my nose and mouth. Something gripped my hand and I squeezed it back. It felt warm, like soft skin. I turned my face towards the direction of my right hand to find Mallory staring at me, wide-eyed and very pale.
I lifted my left hand and removed the mask from my face. ‘Hey, Mally. You came.’ My words were filled with disbelief and my throat was very dry and sore.
She let out a sob. ‘Of course I came, Greg.’ I begged her not to cry and enquired about the boys, Tom and James. Hearing that they were safe and well filled me with relief, and my own eyes stung with unshed tears.
My mind drifted back to the vivid dream I’d had about Mallory and me on the bridge. I told her she had woken me from a really good dream, and she apologised. Should I tell her about it? My mouth took over where my head couldn’t decide.
‘The dream was strange. You were in it, crying and stroking my hair… and you told me you were in love with me and it made me so happy.’ Tears escaped my eyes and I closed them. I could feel my lip trembling. How could I look at her now? I covered my eyes with my free hand. ‘But then I woke up.’
She begged me to open my eyes and look at her, but I couldn’t possibly do that. I held my hand up to stop her and apologised for what I’d put her through. The shit with Alice. The attempt at moving on with Kate. I’d ruined any chance I had at happiness with her. Every time I realised this, it was like a new pain that I was experiencing for the first time. My heart ached and suddenly I wanted to be left alone. I was exhausted and couldn’t deal with the barrage of emotions I was experiencing.
‘Greg, look at me, please,’ she demanded. And so taking a deep breath through my sore nose, I made eye contact with her. Tears trailed down her cheeks but she smiled through them. ‘Greg, it wasn’t a dream. I said and did those things. I stroked your hair and squeezed your hand. And… and I told you I’m in love with you and that I never want to be without you again.’ More saltwater fell from her eyes, and I tried to process what she was saying. Had I drifted off again? Was my subconscious torturing me?
I closed my eyes and replayed what I thought I’d just heard. When I opened them, I stared deep into her eyes, looking for any sign that this was real. She smiled back at me and gave a little laugh that melted my heart.
My face relaxed and I asked, ‘You did? You love me?’ I searched her eyes further. This wasn’t really happening, was it?
She nodded. ‘I love you. Greg, I want to be with you, always.’ She leaned into me and kissed my lips gently as if afraid to cause me more pain. ‘Do you still… want me though, Greg?’
A wide smile took over my face. I could feel it pulling at the taut, grazed skin around my eyes. ‘Do you really need to ask me that?’
Huffing out a long breath, she stroked my hair. ‘That’s so good to hear. Now please get well so we can get you out of here and decide where the heck I’m going to live… seeing as I think I may have sold my house.’
I reached up to touch her hair as I looked up at her, longing for her to really hear me. ‘Mallory?’
‘Yes, Greg?’
‘I love you. More than anything in this world.’
Chapter Forty-nine
Mallory stayed with me in hospital for as long as she could and when she left she visited regularly until I was able to leave. And even then, she hardly ever left my side. I was plagued by a fresh set of nightmares. I would wake up screaming and flailing my arms. The images of being surrounded by water and blackness tormented me whenever I closed my eyes. It was a kind of post-traumatic stress according to the psychologist I’d been seeing in hospital. And it would pass eventually but would need time.
Every single time she walked in, the first thing we did was kiss and hold each other. Sometimes our exchanges got a little out of hand, but we didn’t care. Even when I was moved to the general ward, I needed to feel her mouth on mine and her hands in my hair just to remind myself that this was real. She was mine and there was no way I was letting her go now.
No. Way.
One particularly heated exchange had Mallory blushing and panting. God, I wanted her so badly and I couldn’t wait until I was fitter. I told her the truth straight from my heart. ‘If being out there in that icy water, fearing for my life, has taught me anything, it’s that from now on I’m not going to hide my emotions any more. I love you and I want you and I don’t care who sees or who knows it.’ The way she gazed back at me through hooded eyes told me she felt exactly the same and my heart was full to bursting with love for her.
*
I was so relieved to hear that she had rejected the offers made on Sealladh-mara Cottage and had decided to stay in Clachan, and on the day I was released, she picked me up in the Landy to take me back to her house. I was suitably impressed at her driving such a huge vehicle after her tiny one. But that was Mallory. She liked to surprise me.
I expressed how proud of her I was and she laughed. ‘Yes, and, boy, that was a fun experience. It put a smile on my face, that’s for sure.’
‘See, I knew I could convert you. We’ll need to get you one instead of that pocket-sized, pretend car you drive around in now.’ I loved to tease her. ‘Winters around here are a sight to behold but my, oh, my, will you know about it if you try to go out in your toy car.’ She pursed her lips at me and I could tell that my comment was being added to her mental list of things to get me back for at a later date. I couldn’t wait for her to take her revenge.
As soon as we were back at her house, I pulled her down onto the couch with me and took her mouth in a deep, passionate kiss, stealing the breath from her body as she melted into me. I slipped my tongue over hers as my hand grasped her hair. I wanted to be inside her. My whole body wanted her.
When the kiss was over I met her crystal-clear blue eyes. ‘God, I’ve wanted to do that properly for so long. And I’m willing my ribs to get better quickly. I’m not sure where we are on the taking-it-slow thing, but I’d appreciate a heads-up ’cause I’m just about going to go crazy here.’
‘Please, just get well, Greg; quickly.’ The kiss that followed her fevered words told me all I needed to know. She was desperate for me too.
As the evening wore on I became more and more exhausted. I was struggling to keep my eyes open, and Mallory helped me up the stairs to bed. We laughed as she tried to get me out of my clothes and I couldn’t help the odd cheeky remark.
As I stood before her, bruised and battered in my boxers, she traced the tattoo on my chest with her fingertips. The contact stirred up the longing deep within me again and I closed my eyes.
Eyeing my marks with intrigue, she asked in a whisper, ‘What does your tattoo mean? This one on your chest.’
Trying to focus on her question and not on the fact that my blood was making a speedy journey southwards, I answered, ‘It’s Gaelic. I studied it at school and it’s always been special to me. The tattoo translates, roughly,
as “Love conquers all”. I got it to remind myself that no matter what life throws at me, whether it’s my wife and best friend betraying me; Mairi being killed on a mountain; or me ballsing anything up in a big way… for example with the woman I’m in love with now… Whatever it is, love will still find a way and I’ve not to give up on it. And you see…’ I leaned in and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead ‘… I was right.’
We climbed into bed and she turned out the light. I slipped my arm around her and she nuzzled into my chest. ‘Hmm, feels good to be next to you again,’ I whispered.
‘It really does.’ She stroked my chest until I fell into a peaceful, nightmare-free sleep.
*
At the end of November Mallory was still cautious about us and it worried me a little. When it came down to her telling Sam’s family about us, she faltered and I became scared that maybe she hadn’t quite put her trust in us. But I discovered her worries lay more around what Sam’s family would think of her for betraying Sam’s memory. Of course I knew they would think nothing of the sort, but I could understand her trepidation. We talked it all through and she decided to make the call.
I sat beside her as she sobbed down the line to Renee. Her pseudo-mother-in-law was wonderful about the whole thing. It turned out that she’d known from the moment she met me that Mallory and I were destined to be together. Knowing that fact settled my mind and I felt a kind of acceptance that I had never experienced before. I was part of a loving family once more and it felt amazing.
The relief was evident throughout Mallory’s whole demeanour once her call to Canada had ended, and I think we both knew at that point that we could move forward.
We spent as much time together as possible from then. We took walks along the beach with Angus and Ruby, the two of us wrapped around each other against the cold. We visited Little Blue where she had been moored again ready for repair. Seeing the mangled and splintered pieces of the hull made my insides knot and brought back terrifying memories; but as they say, if you fall off the horse it’s best to get right back on, and I would as soon as I was able.