by Leddy Harper
However, I didn’t know if I’d make it through the ramifications of my decision.
Because this time, I truly had a broken heart.
I had no idea if I’d make it through the torrential downpour of pain that had started the moment Finn walked out my door.
“Brooke!” I called out and returned the hug. She was the last of our group to arrive for girls’ night, and so far, I’d managed to come across completely normal.
Or so I thought.
“Spill it, Mady. What’s going on with you?” Nellie asked once Brooke ordered her drink.
“What do you mean?”
Julie cut in, answering for her. “You look like your best friend was dragged behind the bumper of a truck, and you were forced to watch.” She laughed and then said, “But I’m right here, so it must be the other important person in your life.”
Brooke and Nellie were clueless, because I hadn’t told them about Finn. Or, at least, the romantic part of Finn. Which was no more, so I hadn’t seen the point in explaining it.
“I had to fire Finn,” I stated bluntly, hoping the tears stayed away until the night was over. I could cry when I got home. It was Monday Funday, but I couldn’t have fun. I’d never been so down in the dumps before.
Over the weekend, my despair had grown so large that I’d kind of scared myself at moments. I’d broken down and called my mom, who’d come over with ice cream and a shoulder to cry on. And boy, did I not disappoint on using that shoulder. I’d cried buckets.
“No!” Julie gasped. Brooke and Nellie mirrored her response, so I had three gaping mouths turned in my direction. The situation would’ve been comical had I not been so sad.
“Yup.” I gulped past the knot in my throat and held a hand over my stomach. “Thankfully, Gia has agreed to fill in while I find someone new. I had no idea the turnover rate would be this quick.” I attempted a chuckle, but it came out as a hiccup. And then the tears began to blind me.
“Oh, honey.” Julie’s arms wrapped around me, and Nellie patted my arm while Brooke tossed napkins my way. “I’m so sorry!”
“I don’t want to hear that there are other fish in the sea, or that things will get easier with time,” I said through my blubbering.
“Take a deep breath and start at the beginning,” Julie suggested.
“What’s the point? My life is over. I have nothing to live for—I’ve lost everything.”
Nellie snickered. “I’d say that’s a tad dramatic, don’t you think?”
“No. Maybe.” I sniffled and wiped my face with a napkin. “Okay, fine. Yes, but my heart’s broken, so I’m allowed to be as dramatic as I want.”
She held up her hands in surrender and said, “You’re absolutely right, but it might be a little easier for us to follow if we knew what happened.”
I took a deep breath, as Julie had suggested, and started the entire story from the beginning in order to catch Brooke and Nellie up on my relationship with Finn. Plus, Julie didn’t know everything either, but I decided to spill it all. Bear the good, bad, and the terrible, because there was nothing to protect anymore. Finn was gone.
“So, then I asked him to leave.” I gulped down some of my wine and blubbered, “And he did! He packed up his laptop and left without a backward glance.”
“Yeah, I saw that picture. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t innocent, either. A lot could be read into it.” Brooke pulled up the photo in question on her phone and showed it to the girls. They all nodded.
“Are you siding with him?” I gawked.
“No! Not at all. I could just see what he meant when he saw it. I mean, look at the grin on Mickey’s face. He’s the cat that’s about to devour the canary. Plus, if Finn has a tendency to be jealous…” Brooke gave us a knowing look.
“But you haven’t even heard the worst of it. My mom came over on Saturday to bring me back from the brink of death, and what she told me makes that sound like child’s play.” I had to defend my actions, which meant laying all the cards on the table. “He told my mom that he didn’t trust Mickey, and that’s why my parents insisted I take Gia on the trip to L.A.”
“Seriously?” Nellie put her hand over her mouth. “Now that’s a totally different ballgame. He’s upped the ante and opened up the playing field.”
“I don’t even know what that means.” Her terminology confused me because I had no clue about basketball.
“It means, this changes everything,” Brooke explained.
“Yeah it does!” Julie chimed in.
“This means war! And we’re declaring it!” Nellie finished off.
And I was more confused than ever.
But at least I wasn’t crying.
20
Finn
The landscaping project was finally complete.
I sat on the back porch and popped open another beer. Kyle and Marissa were over for dinner, and we were all enjoying the renovated patio area. We’d cooked steaks on the grill in the new outdoor kitchen—that we’d painstakingly installed—while lounging in the comfy chairs, but something felt off. I felt alone, even though two of the most important people in the world were with me. I had to force the last bite of dessert past the knot in my throat, which had been a permanent fixture ever since my fight with Mady.
“I don’t understand why you don’t just call her, Finn. Seriously, this is beyond ridiculous.” Ever since that fateful day, Marissa had been after me to swallow my pride and contact Mady, but it was more than that.
The truth was, I’d thought about calling her a million times. I’d stared at her name on my phone at least half a dozen times every day for the last three weeks, trying to convince myself that I should just try. But in the end, I always came back to one thing—I’d fucked it all up. And there was no coming back from that.
“Because she doesn’t want me.” Even saying those words felt wrong, but it was the only thing I could think of at the moment. “She finally came to the realization that she’s too good for me—just like my ex-wife.”
“That’s bullshit, Finn. That’s a total copout, and you know it. She’s nothing like your ex.” Kyle always knew when to call me out. “You’ve pushed her away, before she could end things with you.”
“Yeah,” I said and took a swig from my bottle.
He was right. I knew that our fight wasn’t the reason for our breakup, but it was easier to blame it on that than to admit the truth. It had been my go-to excuse for everything in the past. Whenever something didn’t work out, I chalked it up to not being good enough or compared the experience with my ex. But Kyle was right—it was a crutch I’d used to evade an uncomfortable situation. Dodging or avoiding emotion was so much easier than facing it head-on. Part of the reason I’d gotten in this predicament with Mady in the first place, had been because I couldn’t let go of my past.
The other part was even more complicated.
I couldn’t control my jealousy, at least when it came to Mady. Looking back on the incident, I could admit that I’d overreacted. I’d also come to the realization that I should’ve given her the benefit of the doubt, because she’d never given me a reason not to trust her. However, my anger had taken over, and once that happened, I could only see that one thing. I couldn’t remember a time when I’d ever cared about anyone else with such intensity. And that, coupled with all these new feelings plus my dicey inferiorities, made this whole relationship hard to maneuver.
“This sure is beautiful!” I wanted to kiss Marissa for changing the subject.
They’d come over to admire the finished product, since Kyle had been instrumental in getting it done in a timely manner. We’d started it, and then I hired the landscaping crew to come in and finalize what we couldn’t do. But then we’d put the finishing touches on it ourselves.
The finality of this project was bittersweet. Now I could enjoy my yard; it was everything I’d ever dreamed of and more. Except now, Kyle didn’t have an excuse to spend most of his free time with me anymore. Maybe I’d redo my fro
nt yard next. That way, I’d have an excuse to have him over nearly every day again.
Spending these last three weeks with Kyle had a blessing.
The yard had been the distraction I needed—well, that and Kyle’s company. Oh, and Marissa’s. She came over most of the afternoons or evenings and made dinner. If it weren’t for them—and keeping up with my own business—I likely would’ve been committed by now.
Choosing to keep my company open and running while working for Mady had proven to be a blessing in disguise. There had been times that I contemplated shutting it down, simply because I was no longer interested in doing the work. But now, I was thankful that I’d decided to hold off on that decision.
By the time they left for the night, and I’d finished up the dishes, exhaustion set in. But it still didn’t stop thoughts of Mady from invading my brain. The fact that she hadn’t reached out yet proved how strong she was. And the fact that I hadn’t called her just proved what an idiot I was. The truth was…she was good for me, but I wasn’t so sure I was all that good for her.
These last three weeks, Mady had come full circle. Instead of curling into a ball and succumbing to the grief of losing her assistant and boyfriend in one fail swoop, she’d seemingly flourished. Not that I’d expected her to shut down, but there wasn’t an ounce of despair in any of her posts. And believe me, I’d checked thoroughly.
Ever since leaving her house that fateful day, I’d done nothing but stalk her pages and accounts relentlessly. She still hadn’t taken my access rights away, so I could see everything. Which kind of confused me. But instead of wasting time questioning it, I used it to my advantage.
Earlier this week, Mady had posted a picture of her younger self, smiling brightly at the camera, her dark hair colored purple at the ends. It was cute, but it was the caption that had nearly brought me to my knees.
Forgive me for the long post, but there’s something I need to share with you all. Please don’t judge me for holding this secret close, but instead embrace it, as I have. For we should all accept our insecurities and use them for good, instead of using them to hide behind. The reason I’m telling you all this, is because I’m tired of carrying around the weight of it. It’s driven wedges between some of the people who have meant the most to me in this world and I will forever regret not sharing this with my three best friends, who have supported me in everything.
When I was younger, I was unsuccessful in school, no matter how hard I tried. I cried every morning because I didn’t want to go. My mom had to search for things to inspire me, to make me try harder. I still remember the day when she made a deal with me, one that ultimately changed my life. If I obtained all As and Bs in school, she’d let me dye my hair. I know this sounds crazy to a lot of you, but one thing that had always motivated me was makeup and hair. That proposal in eighth grade became a pivotal point in my life. I worked harder than I ever had before. That drive also forced me to learn and implement a new organization system for school so that I wouldn’t miss important deadlines.
To my parents’ dismay, I exceeded their expectations and obtained straight As, which was enough to dye my hair purple. I decided to color the ends of my long brown locks, and my mom surprised me by taking me to a real salon. I’d expected her to just do the deed with purple Kool-Aid in the kitchen sink. Later, after I graduated high school, my mom admitted to me that she never thought I’d be able to get those grades. Otherwise, she never would’ve agreed to the prize of dying my hair. But in the end, that’s what fueled my love of makeup and fashion. I have dyslexia, and I’m proud to finally admit it for all the world to see.
My parents are very supportive, and I’m thankful for my big, Italian family, no matter how overbearing they can be sometimes. A special thank you to my sister, Gia, for always proofing my posts and such, because of my dyslexia, I and can’t do it myself. I hope you all make the decision to embrace your flaws, if you’re ready for it. Take the day by storm!
Mady had come out of the proverbial closet, so to speak, and I had missed her moment. I’d read all the supportive comments that poured in, and all the people—some famous—who’d shown support by declaring their own insecurities. She’d even started her own hashtag: #TakeTheDayByStorm. It had become a full-blown movement of sorts, and Mady’s success had skyrocketed because of it.
She now had someone named Molly working for her full time. I only knew this because of my admin rights to her page. Even though that’d been the perfect opportunity to remove my access to her accounts, she hadn’t, which gave me hope. Maybe that meant the door was still open for us. I couldn’t bear the thought of life without Mady in it. I could definitely move on, but it wouldn’t be the same, because there was only one woman for me.
I’d done a lot of soul searching as well, but the thing I needed to come to terms with was how to accurately grovel and ask her to come back to me. No matter what came to mind, it didn’t seem like anything was enough.
The next morning, as I stared at the mirror while brushing my teeth, I realized I didn’t need a speech. It didn’t matter what I said, just as long as I said something. So I quickly finished in the bathroom and hurriedly got dressed. I’d already waited long enough; I couldn’t afford to waste even more time.
The drive to her house felt like it took forever. I’d driven there so many times I could’ve done it with my eyes closed, but knowing what awaited me—or potentially awaited me—made the trip hazy, like I couldn’t remember how I’d gotten from my house to her driveway.
I held my breath as I knocked on the door. I knew she was home, considering her car was in the driveway. Not to mention, it was still early, meaning she probably hadn’t finished her first cup of coffee yet. My only hope was that she wasn’t still in bed, or even worse, out of town. But eventually, she opened the door. She stood there, staring at me without a word, lacking any expression on her face.
“Hey…” I rasped, my nerves stealing my voice. “May I come in?”
She blinked a few times then shook her head. “Why?”
“I just want to talk, Mady. That’s it.”
“About what?”
It looked like we were going to have this conversation at her front door.
I wiped my palms on my jeans and took a deep breath. “Listen…I know you’re mad—”
“I’m not mad, Finn. I’m disappointed and heartbroken.”
“Really?”
Her gaze narrowed—if she wasn’t mad already, she sure was now. “I’m sorry, does that excite you? Does it make you happy to find out that I’m hurt and sad?”
“Not at all.” I stepped forward and placed my hand on the door to keep her from slamming it in my face. “I guess I just thought you were dealing with this better than me. That’s all. At least, that’s how you’ve portrayed yourself on social media…like you’re okay.”
“Trust me, I’m anything but. And you, of all people, should’ve learned by now that it’s all a façade. What people take away from my posts is their own perception, nothing more.”
While I was relieved to know that our breakup had affected her some, that didn’t mean, for one second, that I was ready to celebrate her suffering. I’d come here to try to make things better, yet it seemed I was failing. Miserably.
Unsure of what to say next, I blurted out, “I saw your post…about your purple hair. I have to say, Mady, I never thought I’d ever be this proud of someone. You never cease to amaze me, and I’m so unbelievably sorry for not doing enough to prove that to you.”
“You were proud of me?” she whispered.
I managed a nod.
She was quiet for a moment and then cleared her throat, as if she had to remove the emotion before it clung to her words. “Well, if I’m being honest, my intentions weren’t in the right place to begin with. At first, I only wanted to post that to prove you wrong. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized how tiring it is to pretend not to struggle with certain things. And then after it was out there and the support sta
rted rolling in, I wished I had done that years ago.”
“Whatever your reasons were, Mady, I’m just happy you did it.”
“I wouldn’t have if it hadn’t been for you. So I guess I should thank you.”
“I just wish you would’ve been able to get there without me causing you pain. I never wanted to hurt you.”
She shrugged, as if my hurting her wasn’t a big deal, even though we both knew that it was. “Everything happens for a reason, right?”
“Yeah…I guess so.”
Uncomfortable silence drifted between us for what felt like hours before she finally asked, “Is that why you stopped by? To tell me that you read my post?”
I started to nod, but then I stopped myself and held her stare, deciding that if this was the only opportunity I’d get to talk to her, then I’d better say everything I needed to. “No, actually. I’m sorry, Mady…for everything. I fucked up, and I want another chance to prove to you that I’m not that person.”
“But you are, Finn. I told you from the very beginning that I don’t want to be with someone who’s jealous or controlling. That’s a hard limit for me. And still, you didn’t consider my feelings at all when you allowed your jealousy to come between us. Not to mention, even after we talked about you overstepping in my business dealings, you once again went behind my back and shared your concerns about Mickey with my mom. How could you do that?”
I about fell to my knees at the sight of tears lining her eyes, making them shine like gold beneath a river’s surface. “If I could take all that back, I would. Losing you was enough to teach me so many things about myself, and I swear, if I’m allowed a second chance with you, I’ll never give you a single reason to leave me again.”
She shook her head, breaking my heart all over again. “I can’t. I’m really sorry, but I just can’t do that. These last few weeks have been hard enough; if I let you back in and it all falls apart again, I’d never survive.”