Four Things Women Want from a Man
Page 6
These are the activities that, by their very nature, make me a better person—they’re assets:
* * *
* * *
* * *
These activities have the potential to destroy everything I hold dear—they’re liabilities.
* * *
* * *
* * *
Some liabilities are like a mortgage (long-term debt). The bill keeps coming due, month after month, year after year. Other liabilities are like a payday loan; the bill comes due in a day or two, whether you’re ready or not. Either way, life’s liabilities eventually must be paid because that’s how the world works.
Unless you’re discerning, you may rush into relationships that create big liabilities. If you do, you’ll start making decisions that have long-term consequences. Some decisions are reversible; some aren’t. When it comes to the irreversible kind, I suggest that you take plenty of time to make up your mind, since a single decision can shackle you for years to come. Be cautious before committing yourself to any time-consuming association that has the potential to become a rapidly depreciating asset. Look before you leap. The bigger the decision, the longer you should look. In life, your liabilities add up. Society keeps score.
When it comes to judging which people are liabilities and which ones are assets, there are no guarantees. But if you keep your eyes wide open and know what to look for, you can begin to see patterns. And you can learn, once and for all, that in assessing human beings, appearances are, indeed, deceiving. (There it is again: “All that glitters is not gold.”)
Some people are very good at concealing their true motives. They make you think it’s all about you when it’s really all about them. That’s why you need to be wise, discerning, and observant in your relationships. And you need to be a good listener because people do eventually tell you about themselves (by the things they say and the things they do). But folks won’t tell you about themselves if they can’t get a word in edgewise.
Speaking of conversations, I’ll let you in on a little secret: I’m not available on demand. People can’t just call me on the phone, expect me to answer, and then make a last-minute appointment. Once again, you may be thinking, “Pastor, that sounds cold.” But my insistence on managing my calendar isn’t cold; it’s based on a principle: a Biblical principle.
In The Living Bible, Psalm 90:12 is translated: “Teach us to number our days and recognize how few they are; help us to spend them as we should.” What God is telling us in this verse is yet another principle: “Life here on earth is brief, so there’s not time for everything.”
When, as the old hymn goes, “The trumpet of the Lord shall sound and time shall be no more,” I’ll have plenty of time to talk to anybody about anything. Meanwhile, here on planet earth, I know that God wants me to treat time like the nonrenewable resource that it is. That means I can’t be all things to all people. And neither can you.
If I allow other people to organize my life, I can’t be sure that they’ll spend my time wisely. So I guard my calendar like a guard my wallet: very carefully. I advise you to do the same.
Time is the coin of your life, and only you can determine how it will be spent. Be careful lest you let other people spend it for you.
—CARL SANDBERG
By controlling my calendar, I’m taking charge of a priceless treasure gifted by God: time. Every day I take time to seek His guidance. Then when I’m armed with His wisdom and His Word, I start making decisions, which is precisely what God wants me to do. I know that He will guide my decision making, but He won’t dictate my decisions.
Of course, I believe in the supernatural. As a Christian, I believe in miracles, both large and small. But I also understand how God set things up: He gave us His Word filled with values and principles that guide our actions. But He also gave us free will, and He gave us the opportunity to grow up. Or not.
Growing up means making our own decisions. But if you’re a religious person, you may be tempted to ask God to make every decision for you. You may ask, “God, is this the person I should marry?” Or, “Lord, is this the right job for me?” Or you may ask countless other questions of your Creator, trying to pass the burden of decision making on to Him.
But here in the real world, it doesn’t work that way. God gives you the patterns and principles through the teachings found in His Holy Word. Therein you’ll find everything you need to make quality decisions quickly and confidently. The rest is up to you.
You see, God gave you a mind for a very good reason: to use it. If He’d wanted to dictate your every move, He could have done so. But that wasn’t the way God treated Adam, and it’s not the way He’s going to treat you. When it comes to life’s toughest questions, God wants you to decide. Adam was given the ability to make choices. You’re made in the same way. God gave you free will because He wanted to create a human being, not a robot.
So don’t be superstitious. Be practical. I cannot tell you how liberating it is no longer to live in fear of making wrong decisions or not being in the will of God! Decision making is a skill you develop over time. It requires wisdom, discernment, good judgment, and learning from your mistakes!
Edwin Louis Cole observed, “A man who honors God privately will show it by making good decisions publicly.” That’s the kind of man God is looking for; it also happens to be the kind of man women want and need. But it’s getting harder and harder for men or women to make good decisions publicly or privately. There are so many distractions and so many temptations. The devil has always been a hard worker, but today he’s got more tools than ever before.
The warning of 1 Peter 5:8 is clear: “Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour” (NKJV). Satan comes—often quietly at first—to steal, to kill, and to destroy. He wants you to have distorted values, he wants you to employ the wrong principles, and he wants you to make disastrous decisions. If the devil can wreck your life and destroy your spirit, he will. My former pastor said, “If you give the devil a stick, he ought to beat you with it.” Don’t help the devil destroy your life. Poverty, confusion, sickness, and temptations are waiting for opportunities to claim your marriage, your health, your sanity, and your children. Life is a fight for territory. When you stop fighting for what you want, what you don’t want will take over the territory.
Every life, including yours, is a struggle for territory. God is leading you to level ground while the devil is beckoning you toward the slippery slope. The temptations are real, and they’re dangerous. That’s why you need the protection afforded by values and principles pleasing to God. If you ask for His guidance, you will receive it. If you seek, you will find. But please remember this: finding is reserved for the seekers.
How long must we stand at the door and knock before we finally acquire the wisdom we so desperately need? God doesn’t say (of course, things would be easier if He did). If God said, “Keep knocking for an hour and the door will be opened,” most of us would keep knocking. Or if He said, “You’ve got to knock for seven days,” we could probably hold it together for that long. Maybe longer.
But God doesn’t get into specifics. He just promises to answer sometime. And we must trust that He’ll keep that promise. So if you sincerely want to become a more decisive person who makes high-quality choices sooner rather than later, start knocking today. Keep knocking. And don’t give up. If you continue to seek, you can be sure that one day—perhaps this very day—the Lord will open that door, reveal His plans, and transform your life.
— QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION —
What are some things about which you struggle to be decisive? What can you do to find some clarity? How are you spending the majority of your time and money? Are there ways you can improve? Write out how you spend time and money and see if you can make some changes—do you think this will allow you more clarity to make decisions?
* * *
* * *
* * *
— PRAYER —
FOR WOMEN: Dear God, Help me to encourage and support my husband in his decisions and look to you as the director of our paths. In Your name I pray, Amen.
— 6 —
TRAIT #3: CONSISTENCY
Character is a simple habit long continued.
—Plutarch
Over the years, I’ve seen many women struggle when their husbands lack consistency. It’s a trait they crave because God built it into their very core. Consistency is firmness of character. It’s the ability to make mature, quality decisions time and again, facing down the inevitable temptations that Satan scatters across your path. And when it comes to mature, consistent decision making, here’s another principle worth remembering: decisions are not made in a moment of time; they’re rooted in your character.
D. L. Moody famously said, “Character is what you are in the dark.” Pastor Moody understood that it’s relatively easy to maintain one’s character when the sun is shining and everybody’s watching, but that the real test is how a man behaves when he thinks (wrongly) that nobody is watching.
Consistency requires congruence between values and actions. When your actions are in sync with your values, you can look people in the eye, knowing what you stand for. When your values match your actions, peace occurs naturally—peace in your home and peace in your heart. When there’s congruence between the things you say and the things you do, your conscience is clear. And, as Ben Franklin noted, “A clear conscience is a continual Christmas.” But the reverse is also true. When you engage in things that are out of character, it breaks the peace.
Consistency is to be without hypocrisy, without duplicity, and without deception. It’s a remarkably simple and straightforward way to conduct oneself, and it is, in truth, the only decent way to live.
A man’s consistency is what gives a woman security. When he’s consistent, she feels confident; when he’s inconsistent, she begins to worry because she’s not sure what he’ll do next.
As I tell men all the time, we’re under observation. Our women observe us carefully, cautiously, and continuously.
So men, please remember this: your woman knows your patterns of behavior, your patterns of language, and your patterns of decision making. Whenever you break any one of those patterns, you can be sure of two things: first, your woman has already noticed. And second, she wants to know why.
Women don’t expect their men to be perfect, but they do expect—and deserve—their men to be consistent. Of course, women would prefer that their men also be mature, decisive, and strong all the time. Not some of the time, not much of the time, not most of the time. Women prefer men who are mature, decisive, and strong all day long, seven days a week, 365 days a year.
But women are wise enough to understand that perfection is impossibility in this world. So women try their best to overlook occasional inconsistencies in their men. It’s called forgiveness, and it’s an essential part of every marriage. Which brings me to yet another principle that’s rooted firmly in human nature: forgiveness works best when it’s not needed on a regular basis.
It’s easier for a woman to forgive her man once a year than to forgive him once a week. And it’s easier to forgive him once a week than to forgive him every day of the week. So problems arise when men behave in ways that require regularly scheduled forgiveness, dished out on an almost-daily basis from the women who love them.
When husbands are consistently inconsistent, they abuse the privilege of forgiveness. By doing so, they gradually transform their wives from helpmates to enablers.
Husbands who make a habit of saying one thing and doing another cause their wives to worry. When men proclaim the virtues of godliness but display the values of worldliness, they undermine the foundation of trust that supports their marriage. Thus begins a destructive cycle.
• The man behaves responsibly some of the time (and talks up his good behavior).
• But the man misbehaves often enough for the woman to observe patterns of inconsistency.
• So the woman becomes suspicious (with good cause).
• Soon, the man then becomes resentful (because he’s managed to convince himself that he’s a good man who occasionally behaves badly, not vice versa).
• Then as the man becomes more resentful (and less repentant), the wife becomes more incensed (and less willing to forgive).
For the marriage to last, this cycle must be broken. To break the cycle, the man must acquire the habit of behaving in a consistent manner that’s pleasing to his wife, to himself, and to his Maker.
Mature women want their men to act like mature men who are constantly solving problems, not like boys who are constantly causing problems. But the world encourages men to behave otherwise.
The world is continually sending out subtle messages that men can be both mature (when circumstances demand it) and immature (when they want to “chill,” or to “hang out,” or to “let off some steam”). The world tells men that they can make quality decisions most of the time (when the powers that be are watching) and get away with poor decisions the rest of the time (when the powers that be are looking the other way). The world tries to convince men that “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas,” which means men can behave one way at home and another way when nobody’s watching.
These messages, constantly generated by modern-day media, are totally untrue because they violate one of God’s basic principles: we reap what we sow.
When we plant good seeds in fertile soil, good things happen. When we labor in the fields, God rewards us with a bountiful harvest. When we become “doers of the word, not merely hearers,” we can expect God’s blessings because good behavior, when practiced consistently, brings forth a bountiful crop. It’s a principle that applied to Adam, and to Eve, and to you, and to me.
But the flip side of that principle is also true: bad behavior yields a bitter harvest. Proverbs teaches us that, “He who sows wickedness reaps trouble” (22:8 NIV). This principle means that whatever happens in Vegas doesn’t stay in Vegas, no matter what the casino ads claim.
In life, there are no permanent secrets, only the ones we imagine. God promised that, “Whatever you have said in the dark will be heard in the light, and what you have whispered behind closed doors will be shouted from the housetops for all to hear” (Luke 12:3 NLT).
God didn’t say that sinful behavior bears bad fruit some of the time. He said we reap what we sow, all the time, period. That means that we can’t sow bad seeds anywhere on the planet and expect to reap a healthy harvest back home. The world simply doesn’t work that way, which is why all of us, men and women alike, should strive for consistency.
CONSISTENT CHOICES
Our lives are filled with one decision after another. Every decision is, quite literally, a personal crossroad, a place where we are free to choose a positive path or a negative one. So in a very real sense, our lives are composed of our choices.
Our choices determine our destinies.
Our actions today determine our results tomorrow.
Each decision makes its own mark upon eternity, for better or for worse.
So what does all this mean to you? It means that, just as surely as night follows day, your choices will determine your destiny. If you consistently make wise choices, you’ll be rewarded, both in the precious present and in the eternal future. That’s the good news. But with the potential for great reward comes great responsibility. And that’s either good news or bad news, depending on the quality and consistency of your choices.
If you choose wisely, you’ll earn a very bright future; if you choose poorly, you’ll construct a very different destiny. But there’s one thing you can’t do: you cannot not choose. Even the decision not to decide is, in truth, a decision.
Procrastination is a choice and often a very poor one. When we put off doing the things th
at need to be done now, we tell ourselves that we’ll do the right thing eventually. But as Abraham Lincoln correctly observed, “You can’t escape the responsibility of tomorrow by evading it today.”
So the bottom line is this: It’s your life, composed of your choices, communicated to others by your words and your actions. And your choices have consequences as well as benefits.
When the devil tempts you, he shows you only the benefits, never the consequences. He shows you the short-term rewards, not the long-term costs. Satan wants you to make impulsive decisions right now, before you take time to assess the potential outcomes. He wants you to make poor choices today because he knows that you’ll experience serious setbacks tomorrow. The devil tries, as best he can, to hide the negative consequences of negative behavior for a very simple reason: Satan wants you to become his servant.
Which brings me to another principle I hope you’ll never forget: in life, you’ll inevitably become the servant of the choices you make.
That’s why you must be careful to make choices that you don’t mind serving. And you must make those choices consistently, day after day, one day building upon the next, until the act of making good decisions becomes a habit.
The American educator Frances E. Willard, whose statue is on display in the National Statuary Hall in the US Capitol Building, observed, “Sow an action, you reap a habit; sow a habit, you reap a character; sow a character, you reap a destiny.” Ms. Willard understood that the habits we make today have the potential to become our masters tomorrow. So we must choose our actions carefully, never experimenting with things that we wouldn’t want to become permanent features on our personal landscapes.