by A R Bernard
Regarding habits, Samuel Johnson issued this commonsense warning: “The chains of habit are too weak to be felt until they are too strong to be broken.” Thus, every negative habit has the potential to enslave you and, in time, to destroy you. The only sure way to avoid a life-threatening addiction is never to give it a try in the first place.
To be sure that your character and your habits are pleasing to God, you need to make wise choices consistently and confidently. To accomplish this, you must rely on a set of values and principles to guide your decision-making process. Principles accumulate over time as you learn them, as you observe life, as you read The Scriptures, and as you experience the inevitable ups and downs of everyday living. The Book of Proverbs is chockful of principles; it’s an invaluable source of wisdom. But please don’t read Proverbs one time and expect to become an instant expert on every aspect of the human condition. The acquisition of wisdom takes time. We learn good judgment gradually—through reading and study, through reflection and meditation, through observation of the world around us and the world within us: our words, thoughts, motives, actions, and attitudes.
The principles that matter most in your life are not the ones you proclaim; they’re the ones you apply consistently. The values that matter most are not the values you talk about; they’re the values you live by. What matters is constancy of purpose, steadiness, stability, and consistent decision making.
When your deeds match your words—day in, day out—the world knows what you stand for. And your spouse knows what you stand for. Just as important, you know what you stand for. When your deeds match your words, you experience the luxury of a clear conscience, but that’s not all. You also experience the peace that accrues to those who never need to worry about “covering their tracks,” because their tracks never need covering.
When mature husbands make decisive choices on a consistent basis, their wives learn to trust them, and the entire family benefits.
So if you’re a husband who’s intent on leaving a positive, lasting legacy, you must decide, once and for all, to be the same kind of man in private that you’d be proud for anybody to see in public. You must become the kind of man you’d want your sons to imitate. You must do whatever it takes to be a thoughtful, helpful, responsible man all day, every day, not just on Sundays, or during working hours, or when the family is watching.
God has already given you all the tools you need to be consistently mature, consistently strong, consistently responsible, and consistently righteous. Now He’s waiting patiently to see how you’ll use the tools you’ve been given.
Please don’t let Him down.
— QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION —
MEN: If you have the traits of maturity and decisiveness, but lack consistency, what will result? Can you think of a time when your partner was upset by what she perceived as a lack of consistency? How did you handle it?
WOMEN: When your partner shows consistency, how does it make you feel? Take time to praise your partner when his consistent behavior makes you feel cherished.
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— PRAYERS —
MEN: God, I want your principles to govern my actions so consistently that my wife will feel I’m ultimately trustworthy. Help me spot the inconsistencies and the pitfalls and avoid them by your strength. In your name, Amen.
WOMEN: Thank you, God, for the ways you’ve uniquely fashioned my husband and me. I praise you for your endless creativity and goodness. In your name, Amen.
— 7 —
STRENGTH
Self-discipline is an acquired asset.
—Duke Ellington
Since the dawn of humanity, women have wanted their men to be strong. In ancient times, women needed their men to be physically strong to provide for the family and protect them from harm. Women whose husbands were physically weak were at a distinct disadvantage. In some parts of the world—predominantly in third world countries—women still need men to serve as security guards. But here in the developed world, the need for physical security has been superseded by the need for emotional security.
Today, women deeply desire strength of character more strength of body. No longer does Jane need Tarzan. She doesn’t care if her man can lasso a lion, grapple with a gorilla, or ride bareback on an elephant like it was a Shetland pony. Nope, today’s Jane doesn’t want a circus strongman. She wants somebody she can trust.
So here’s a message for men: the kind of strength your woman really wants has surprisingly little to do with quality quads, or perfect pecs, or bulging biceps. The kind of strength your woman wants most can’t be earned in the gym; it must be earned by the decisions you make and the life you choose to live. In today’s world, genuine strength is a matter of integrity, not physicality.
Strength—the kind of strength that really matters—is the courage to live out your convictions in spite of what the crowd is doing. It’s the willingness to stand up for the things you believe in, even if everybody else in the room believes otherwise. It’s the dogged determination to be the kind of person God wants you to be, not the kind of person society encourages you to be. Real strength is the willingness to follow the Man from Galilee, not the crowd.
The Bible teaches us that most people who follow the crowd don’t know why they’re doing it. In fact, most crowd followers don’t give much thought to the direction in which they’re headed. Crowd followers mistakenly believe that if “everybody else is doing it,” then “it”—whatever “it” happens to be—must be okay. As a result, too many crowd-following folks think they’re barreling down the main highway when they’re actually bumping headlong down a dead-end street.
The problem with following dead-enders isn’t that the crowd is stuck; the problem is that the crowd is very unstuck and moving swiftly in the wrong direction. Pastor Rick Warren got it right when he said, “Those who follow the crowd usually get lost in it.” In truth, most crowd followers are lost. They may not feel lost, they may not think they’re lost, they may not act like they’re lost, but they’re lost.
So it’s no wonder that many men have trouble finding their bearings. The crowd is constantly pulling them in one direction while God is tugging their hearts toward a totally different path. The crowd persuades men that strength has to do with power, or money, or fame, or control. But in God’s value system, these things are unimportant. That’s why some of heaven’s greatest heroes will be people you and I have never heard of. God isn’t concerned with fame or fortune, and He’s not concerned with the condition of your bank statement. He’s concerned with the condition of your heart.
God says that real strength comes from love, kindness, simplicity, and humility.
Because the world’s values are diametrically opposed to God’s values, men are often caught in the middle, constantly struggling to do the right thing but continuously tempted to do the wrong thing. The result is an excess of confusion and an overabundance of anger.
We need to look no further than the daily headlines to see that anger is a societal problem that seems to be getting worse by the day. Senseless violence is a national epidemic, and the trend lines seem to be turning in the wrong direction.
Far too many men are burdened with the mistaken belief that anger equals strength. They believe that by asserting themselves physically—or by engaging in frequent emotional outbursts—they can somehow prove their manliness. But in God’s value system, nothing could be further from the truth. Jesus wasn’t a bully; He was a servant. He didn’t slay His torturers; He prayed for them. The Son of God didn’t call upon His heavenly hosts to defeat those who sought to destroy Him. Instead, He willingly carried His cross to Calvary and endured the unspeakable pain and humiliation of crucifixion.
So here’s what God says about strength: a man’s strength is demonstrated by his gentleness and his kindness.
And here’s a message for guys everywhere: your strength, gentlemen, is not demonstrated by some machismo attitude, or by abusiv
e language, or by physical action or angry outbursts. That’s not strength; that’s insecurity masquerading as strength.
“I grew up in a household with a dad who was prone to angry outbursts and a fragile temper. It’s dreadful when you have to walk on eggshells in your own home. My mother could never do enough to please him, and she lived a very sad life striving to. Needless to say, our house was not a home; it was merely shelter without peace.”
—JACKIE P.
Think about it: if you’re weak and you have to move something, you’ll struggle with it. You’ll shove it and push it with all your might. You might even get mad at it and kick it. But if you’re strong, you treat the thing differently, carefully, gently. Likewise, a man’s strength is demonstrated by gentleness and kindness, not anger or aggression.
The way a man treats a thing is an expression of his security, his competence, and his sense of self-worth. If a man feels insecure, he turns to abuse and imposition as a way of asserting himself as a man. But in truth, he’s merely asserting that he’s a juvenile.
In The Living Bible, Proverbs 19:22 says, “A man’s kindness makes him attractive.” So fellows, if you want to be attractive in the ways that women really care about, you must remember that genuine good looks begin on the inside and work their way out from there.
SELF-CONTROL IS AN EXPRESSION OF LOVE
For a man to possess real strength, he must learn the art of self-control. He must learn when to control his temper and when to hold his tongue. As the French archbishop François Fènelon correctly noted, “If you are to be self-controlled in your speech, you must be self-controlled in your thinking.” But the devil has other plans in mind. He wants your thinking to be uncontrolled.
Satan wants you to act impulsively, irrationally, and irresponsibly. He wants you to leap before you look. He wants you consider only the immediate rewards, not the long-term costs. Why? Because the devil knows that his best chance to bring you down is to snare you in an emotional web as your temper flares and your basic instincts get the better of you.
“I’ve seen so many marriages fail due to adultery. There are many outside influences today. Modern culture is obsessed with celebrity and beauty. To make things even worse, much of society lacks solid morals and values. Too often, society only views marriage as an easily changed ‘status.’ ”
—ALLISON C.
If Satan can put your emotions in high gear and your brain in neutral, he knows that bad things are likely to happen, and soon. So if you don’t want the devil to snare you in his trap, you’ll need self-control, and lots of it.
“I believe anger has a very strong negative impact on the family. It makes everyone fearful, and they tend to shut down.”
—KERRY B.
When Satan arrives with a tempting offer, a strong man says no without hesitation or remorse. His refusal to compromise his character isn’t just a demonstration of wisdom in action; it’s also an expression of love.
The man who possesses self-control can lead his family along the paths of righteousness. He can serve as a valued role model to his children; he can be an emotional anchor for his wife. And he can serve as a powerful example to all who cross his path because he possesses a heightened sensitivity concerning the needs of others. Conversely, the man without self-control becomes desensitized to the needs of his wife and children. And troubles begin to accumulate.
“It takes strength to acknowledge our anger, and sometimes more strength yet to curb the aggressive urges anger may bring and to channel them into nonviolent outlets.”
—FRED ROGERS
So what should you do if you simply can’t seem to find a way to control your emotions, your actions, or your appetites? There are many ways to approach this problem, but as a first step, I suggest you ask the One who formed you to transform you. With Him, all things are possible, and that includes controlling all human emotions, even yours.
INTEGRITY MATTERS
There are no little white lies or dirty little secrets. In truth, even small lies can have big consequences, and small secrets can grow up in a hurry. As C. S. Lewis noted, “A little lie is like a little pregnancy—it doesn’t take long before everyone knows.” That’s why integrity matters.
Integrity isn’t a sometimes thing. You can’t turn it on and off on a whim.
If you’re a person of integrity all the time, your friends and family will notice. If you’re a person of integrity some of the time, your friends and family will notice that, too, and they’ll interpret your inconsistencies as hypocrisy. That’s why integrity matters.
If you’re honest with your wife, with your kids, with your extended family, and with your friends, they’ll learn to trust you and depend upon you. That’s why integrity matters.
“When someone is dishonest, my first response is frustration and then sorrow. Finally, I’m sad for that person because he or she hasn’t learned how to be a real man or woman.”
—SALLY P.
Pastoral counseling pioneer Wayne Oates observed, “Maintaining your integrity in a world of sham is no small accomplishment.” Dr. Oates was born into poverty in rural South Carolina; he never knew his father. As a teenager, Wayne worked in a cotton mill to support his mother and grandmother. Eventually, he worked his way through college, became a teacher, a pastor, and a writer. He even coined the term workaholic. Today, the Wayne Oates Institute continues to carry on his legacy. But none of this would have been possible if Wayne Oates hadn’t maintained his integrity. He didn’t look for shortcuts, and neither should you.
It’s not easy to maintain your character in this temptation-filled world, but it’s worth it. That’s why integrity matters to your spouse, to your kids, and to your Creator. And that’s why it should matter to you.
— QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION —
MEN: In what ways do integrity and self-control require strength? When you see a man who lacks these qualities, what do you think of him?
WOMEN: Think of a time when your husband demonstrated integrity. How did that make you feel? How important is it to you that your husband shows restraint and self-control? Why is that?
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— PRAYERS —
MEN: Dear God, I want to walk in your ways. As the Psalmist says, “Give me Your strength.” In your name, Amen.
WOMEN: Dear God, I’m grateful you’ve wired men to be different from me. I know you’ve made me strong and I know your desire is that my husband be a man of a different kind of strength. Please bless us as we grow in you. In Your name, Amen.
— 8 —
ON BEING A REAL MAN
Real Man—a man who is authentic and genuine in substance. Therefore a woman can rely on him.
By now you’ve discovered the four essential things women want from a man: maturity, decisiveness, consistency, and strength. Women, when you encounter a man with all four, you’ll know he’s a Real Man.
Real men are mature; they don’t engage in childish pursuits. They resist the temptation to behave impulsively, yet they refuse to procrastinate. When it’s time to plan, they plan; when it’s time to communicate, they communicate; when it’s time to act, they act. A real man’s wife doesn’t worry that he’s spending his precious resources on things without value.
Real men are decisive. They make choices confidently and quickly. A real man’s wife doesn’t fear his leadership because she knows his decisions are based on principles he acquired through both study and experience.
Real men are also consistent. His wife can let her guard down and rest easy, knowing his words and actions are based on values and principles that don’t change.
Real men are strong. The wife of a real man woman can look to her man and feel proud that he lives out of the courage and integrity of his principles and values. She doesn’t have to worry that he’s weak and will waver because he consistently lives in accordance with his convictions, no matter what the crowd says.
A real man brings out the
best in people and teaches them how to react to change. It’s a fair- and foul-weather job. Almost nobody cares who’s in charge until things go wrong. That’s when the real men show their mettle. And that’s when the very best refuse to give up.
So if you’re a man who wants to be the leader of your household and a leader in the community—a real man—here’s my advice (and by now, you should know this by heart): be mature, be decisive, be consistent, and be strong. And when tough times come, as they most surely will, hold fast to your principles and listen closely to your conscience.
“In the best marriages, husbands and wives have each other’s back. They are very supportive of one another, always cheering the other one on.”
—RUTHIE S.
— 9 —
A NEW BEGINNING . . . BEGINNING TODAY
I have simply tried to do what seemed best each day, as each day came.
—Abraham Lincoln
You’ve made it to the last chapter. Congratulations! You’ve completed the first (and easiest) part of this book: you’ve read and now understand the traits that make a great husband, a great father, and a great leader.
Now comes the hard part—applying what you’ve learned to the realities of everyday life.
You see, it’s easier to talk about being a good man than it is to be one.
It’s easier to read about timeless principles than it is to employ them.
It’s easier to comprehend concepts than to turn them into habits.