by C. Larsen
Grimacing at the cold ground, I get down on my hands and knees and try to slow my breathing. Adrenaline courses through my body, panic threatening to engulf me, but I beat it back. Gray is here. He'll keep me from going feral.
After a few minutes, I realize nothing's happening. I've managed to calm myself down, but I have no idea how to bring on the change. Last time it just happened. I couldn't control it or stop it. But now, kneeling naked on the frozen ground, I'm starting to feel a bit silly. Shouldn't I just be able to think it, and shift? I have no idea.
"How's it going?" Gray calls over his shoulder.
"Uh, I don't know how to do this."
Gray smothers a laugh. "I can help. That means I’m going to have to turn around though.”
I sit back on my heels and snatch up the dress in front of me as Gray walks over. "Alright, Em, the trick to shifting is to simply... let go." He crouches down in front of me, and to his credit, he only glances down at my chest once before meeting my eyes. "You have to relax and allow your wolf to surface."
The thought is terrifying. "I don’t know if I can do that..."
"Nothin' to worry about, volchonok. I'm right here. We'll do it together."
Before I can respond, Gray begins stripping down. I turn my head to give him some privacy and he chuckles low in his throat.
In less than a minute he's completely naked and kneeling in front of me. I force myself to keep my gaze above his chest. He chuckles again.
"You'll get used to it sooner than you think. Before you know it, you won't even notice the nudity."
Somehow, I doubt that. Gray isn't the sort you can just not notice. But I do my best to ignore all the bare skin and focus on his instructions.
"Alright, Em, get down on your hands and knees again. That's it."
I have to drop the dress in order to do this. I expect him to make an embarrassing comment, a joke or something, but a hitch in his breathing is the only indication that he's noticed.
His silver eyes, brighter than before, stare into mine.
"Just breathe with me. That's it, relax. There's nothing to be afraid of, I'm right here. I won't let anything happen to you."
I nod my head, but can't manage any words. I can feel her. My wolf. She's stirring, waking up, responding to Gray's low voice as if he's speaking directly to her.
"That's it, luna. Let her out, accept her into your body. She's a part of you."
She stretches, extending her claws, reaching up to answer Gray's call.
I feel my eyes flash, and suddenly she's there, peering out through them, gazing at Gray with a hunger that knocks the air from my lungs.
His eyes turn an answering shade of gold, heat flaring up in response. And with that, the dam breaks. My wolf bursts from her cage.
She overtakes my body, filling me with a primitive wildness, a savage excitement for the freedom of the hunt.
My joints begin to shift, changing positions, bones snapping, cracking, realigning. I let out a high-pitched whimper, pain ripping along my limbs. My gaze shoots to Gray in a panic. His golden eyes stare into mine, reassuring me, anchoring me. "Don't fight it, Em. Just let it happen."
I'm okay. This is normal. I'm okay, I repeat over and over, my eyes locked onto Gray's like a lifeline. As I stop fighting it, the pain begins to recede. It still hurts, but not as much as the last time. And now, with Gray's reassuring presence next to me, most of the terror stays at bay. I know I'll be safe with him by my side.
My body shifts and reforms, and I let it happen, groaning and whimpering my way through it. When I'm about halfway through, Gray also begins to shift.
My whimpers are echoed by his deeper grunts as he undergoes his own excruciating transformation.
Finally, it's finished. I collapse, panting. I can hear Gray still undergoing his own change and I take a moment to catch my breath, aftershocks of pain radiating through my body. Every muscle aches.
With one last groan, Gray finishes his shift and stands there, hunched over, breathing heavily. Then, straightening, he shakes out his fur and yips at me.
I climb to my feet, and despite my weariness, amazement suffuses me at incredible feeling of moving inside the body of a wolf.
I can feel her presence more strongly in this form, closer to the surface. But, to my relief, I'm still in control. I don't feel the overwhelming urge to go on a crazy killing spree or destroy all the furniture in my house. I'm still me.
*Doing alright?* Gray asks through the pack bond.
*Yeah. Yeah, I am. It wasn't as bad, that time.*
*See? Told you. It gets easier. Still hurts like a bitch,* he adds ruefully, *but it's easier when you just let it happen. When you don't fight it.*
Gray steps forward, nuzzling me. I breathe in his unique scent. Like pine trees and crisp autumn leaves. He rubs his face and body all along mine the way I've seen wolves do on TV. When he steps back, I can smell his scent in my fur.
Marking us, my wolf whispers to me. Keeping other males away.
*Come on, let's join the others,* Gray says, dancing away.
I follow Gray as he trots through the forest back to the rest of the pack. A gray and white wolf approaches Gray, his head bent, tail tucked between his legs. His scent identifies him as Miles.
Submissive, my wolf tells me, her voice a little stronger.
Gray greets Miles with a lick on his muzzle and Miles’ posture relaxes.
Then Miles approaches me in the same manner he did Gray, shoulders hunched, head low. I lick his muzzle in greeting and he nudges his nose up under my chin in a submissive greeting.
It's strange, not just the wolf behaviors and greetings, but my own instinctive understanding of them. My wolf knows the meanings of everyone’s movements and postures and passes the information on to me. Through her, I can even distinguish the different meanings in the yips, growls and barks coming from the pack around us.
Isabel also approaches, her posture similar to Miles’, clearly indicating her submissiveness. In fact, most of the pack greets Gray and I this way, though quite a few attempt to stare me down before submitting. Even Zak lowers his head when we walk past, but his high ears, facing forward, indicate that he isn't happy about it. My wolf immediately goes on the alert.
Watch out for that one. He will challenge if given the chance. And for once, she and I are in complete agreement.
Nikolay and Ivan are the only ones who can make my wolf lower her eyes. I suppress a shudder as they pass. Both Nikolay and Ivan are black like Gray, but Nikolay has a splash of gray on his muzzle. He sits back on his haunches and howls. Twenty other wolves join in, all singing in different pitches. Giving into my wolf's urging, I join in with the pack, my higher pitch offsetting perfectly with Gray's deep timbre. Then, like a shot, we're off, bounding into the trees, dirt flying up around us.
Gray and I run side by side this time, Isabel and Miles close behind. Yips and short barks ring out all around. The entire pack darts through the undergrowth with wild abandon.
After a while, the frenzy calms. We slow down, taking more time to explore, sniffing, searching.
Hunt now, my wolf says, her focus sharper than before.
Soon we come across a scent trail that makes Gray and the others pause. Gray's voice calls to us over the pack bonds. *There’s a moose up ahead. Isabel, take the right flank, Em, with me on the left. Miles, hang back here to prevent its retreat.*
Miles and Isabel immediately break off and Gray and I continue at a slower pace.
*Tread softly,* Gray says to me along a private thread in the pack bond. *Extend your claws to give you better traction in the leaf litter.*
With his instructions, I find myself moving much more quietly. Staying low to the ground, we creep along silently until I can just see a flicker of movement through the autumn foliage. Another step forward, and the beast comes into view.
At five and a half feet tall and easily eight-hundred pounds, it’s the largest animal I’ve ever seen.
Gray gets int
o position, hind legs bunching under him, preparing to spring.
*Gray, are you crazy?! He’s huge!*
*Relax luna. He’s small, not yet full grown. We’ve taken down bigger moose than him before. Just make sure to stay clear of its antlers and thrashing hooves. I’ll go in first. When its attention is on me, you attack from behind.*
Panic sets in. He wants me to attack that monster? I can't do this!
Let me, my wolf whispers. Let me do this.
No. I can't let her take control. The last time I did she went crazy. I have to keep her leashed.
Gray darts out from the cover towards his prey. The bull immediately takes off in Isabel’s direction. Gray goes for its throat, but the animal rears up before Gray can get a strong enough hold. Isabel attacks its legs, knocking it off balance.
*Em! Now!* Gray commands, lunging for its throat again. *Get your claws into its flank!*
I hesitate, tremors running through my body. Oh my god, oh my god...I can't do this. This is crazy...
*Em! Hurry! It's breaking free!*
Shit, shit, shit... At the last second, I leap in to help, but I’m too late. The bull rears up again, its hooves just missing Gray's head. Isabel's grip on its hind leg falters and the bull takes off into the trees.
Gray lets out a growl of frustration, and turns to me. *What happened?*
I can feel Gray's wolf pulsing with anger, its glowing gold eyes boring into mine, lips pulled back in a snarl.
Embarrassment consumes me. I scurry backwards, wishing I could disappear into the trees, but then my wolf slams into me, seething.
We do not back down. We do not submit!
I freeze where I am and lift my chin. My lips peel back to let out a low growl, my wolf feeding me strength and confidence.
My muscles pull tight, embarrassment morphing into fury. I watch as Gray fights an internal battle, beating his wolf back enough for the glow to fade from his eyes. But my wolf won’t be so easily calmed. Tension builds in my chest, filling me until I think I might burst.
Isabel stands next to Gray, her own wolf glaring out at me. *You could have gotten us killed!* she yells through the pack bonds.
Without thinking, a vicious growl tears up my throat. I lunge at her, furious. She drops to the ground, head ducked down, a whine escaping her. I clamp my teeth over her muzzle and I bite down, hard. The next time she whimpers, sense floods back into my brain. I release her and leap back, horrified.
Oh my God. What did I do? I didn't mean to attack her... I lost control. Again. I look up to see Miles cowering on the ground next to Isabel. He won’t meet my gaze. What did I just do?
She was disrespectful. We put her in her place.
No. No, no, no. I can't do this. I turn tail and run.
Chapter 16
Paws pounding the earth, I push myself, running as fast as my legs can carry me. Without thinking, I follow our scent trail back the way we came, heading for the manor.
Gray calls to me over the pack bonds, his voice slightly panicked, but I don't turn around. I almost got him killed because I was too afraid to attack the bull, then I took my anger and frustration out on Isabel, attacking her even after she dropped to the ground in submission.
I am out of control. I can't do this. I need to get away.
I burst free from the trees and go up to the house. I can hear the quiet thud of someone close behind, but I don't stop. By the time I make it back to the terrace, I’m gasping for breath, limbs shaking with exhaustion.
At the base of the stone steps I sit back on my haunches, facing away from Gray. He comes to a stop several feet behind me.
*Emerson,* He calls for the tenth time. Still, I don't answer. What can I say? 'Sorry I almost got you killed and then went crazy on your friend'?
*Hey,* he says, padding forward slowly. Probably making sure I'm not going to freak out again. I can't blame him. Madelyn is right. There's something wrong with me. I'm going feral. I'm losing my mind.
Gray's muzzle brushes against me, lightly at first, then more insistent. I can feel my body shaking but I can't stop it. He continues to nudge me, rubbing his face against the underside of my throat, up the side of my neck, along the top of my back.
The animal inside urges me to respond, to nuzzle him back, mark him with my scent as he's doing to me, but I force her back down.
She's dangerous. She can't be trusted. I have to keep her caged.
The shaking in my limbs becomes more intense, and Gray backs away, whining. Then shooting pains race along my limbs and I realize what’s happening. I'm changing back.
Thank God. I never want to be in that body again.
Shifting back into my human body is just as painful as shifting into a wolf. I let it wash over me, though, accepting the pain. Whatever gets me out of this body faster.
Soon I'm kneeling on all fours, the concrete digging into my knees, naked skin prickling in the cold. I glance over my shoulder. Gray’s shifting back as well, but he’s only about halfway through.
Good. Gives me enough time to get up to my room before he can chase after me.
Not bothering to cover my naked flesh, I dart up the steps and into the house.
Despite the sprawling floor plan of the mansion, I follow my own scent easily enough and am back in my room within minutes. Locking the door, I head straight into the shower and blast the water as hot as I can stand.
God dammit. I was just getting control over my witch abilities, and now this happens? How am I going to fix this? It isn't as simple as controlling my emotions. Now, not only do I have to control myself, but I have to keep this animal inside me locked up tight too. Every time she breaks free, she rages out of control. I’m a danger to everyone.
And I can never go home.
As that thought hits me, I sink down onto the tiled floor, the shower jet blasting onto my bent head.
There's no way to rid myself of this animal inside me. Even if I don't go feral, she'll always be there, waiting for a weak moment to strike. My dad will never be safe around me.
Someone knocks on the bathroom door. Without waiting for an answer, Gray slips inside. Steam from the shower has fogged up the glass doors of the shower so I can't see more than a dark shadow, but Gray's scent gives him away. That, and the way my wolf immediately perks up, excited just to be near him.
So much for the locked door. I guess there's no avoiding him tonight.
Before I can climb to my feet Gray opens the shower door, simultaneously shutting off the water and wrapping me in an over-sized white cotton towel.
Too tired to fight, I let him cuddle me against his bare chest, one hand petting my wet hair. The repetitive motion soothes my already exhausted body and I lean more heavily against him. After a few moments, he lifts me up, cradling me in front of him, and carries me over to the four-poster bed.
He lays me down and stretches out next to me, positioning me so I lie across his chest.
"Sleep now, lyubimaya," he says, rubbing comforting circles on my back. "Everything will be okay, sweetheart."
That odd purring sound rumbles under my ear as his hands continue caressing my skin.
I rest my hand on his bare stomach, only now realizing he's not wearing any clothes, but I don't have any room in me right now to feel self-conscious about it.
I simply lay there wrapped in the soft towel and Gray's arms, letting the steady beat of his heart lull me into sleep.
When I wake, the room is bathed in warm light from the rising sun. At some point, Gray covered us both with the comforter and is now curled up behind me, his chest to my back, only a towel separating our bare skin.
His steady breaths tell me that he's still asleep, so I just lay quietly in his arms, letting my mind replay everything from the night before. By the time Gray stirs behind me, I've made my decision.
"Mmmm." A gravelly purr vibrates through Gray's chest as he buries his face into my hair, nuzzling my neck the way he did when we were in our other forms. Marking me with his scent,
or so says my wolf.
Pulling back, Gray leans up onto his elbow, looking down at me. His free hand idly brushes my hair back from my face, wrapping it behind my ear. My skin tingles at his touch.
I pull myself into a sitting position, comforter clutched protectively to my chest. "We need to talk."
“About how this is one of your top five fantasies? Waking up next to me naked, I mean?”
Normally I’d laugh and roll my eyes, but this morning is anything but normal. When I don’t even crack a smile, the humor in his eyes fades.
"You have to tell the pack to do it," I say. "You have to tell them to put me down.”
"What are you talking about? Em, there's no way—"
"You have to, Gray. I'm dangerous. It's not safe, being around me. My wolf—" My voice hitches, and I take a moment to compose myself before continuing. "My wolf is too strong. I can't keep her caged. No matter what I do, she's going to get out, like she did last night. Even if it takes months, she's eventually going to break free, and I have no idea what she's going to do when she does."
"Last night? Em, what are you talking about? You weren't out of control last night."
"I attacked Isabel. I didn't mean to, but after what happened with the moose, and then you growled...She yelled at me and my wolf just snapped. Attacked her. "
"So?" His head is cocked, brows furrowed as if he really doesn't understand.
"What do you mean, 'so'? Gray, I attacked her. And I had no idea I was doing it until I had her pinned beneath me, her muzzle between my teeth!"
"Yeah," he says slowly. "She challenged you. Reprimanded you. Of course you attacked. You had to prove your dominance or else she would have threatened your place in the pack. Em, what you did was completely normal."
He still doesn't understand. "Gray... my wolf was going to attack you." His eyebrows rise and I hurry to continue. "You yelled at me, growled at me, and when I backed away, it pissed my wolf off. She wanted to attack you, but Isabel distracted her, so she attacked her instead. Put her in her place because she was a lower rank, but initially, my wolf wanted to go after you. I managed to stop her, shove her back down, but just barely. I'm telling you Gray, she's out of control."