by C. Larsen
To my surprise, his lips pull into a smile.
"What are you smiling about? I just told you that I was seconds away from attacking you!"
His grin widens, showing a row of white teeth. "It warms my heart to hear that, luna." I look at him like he's gone crazy, and he explains. "I was worried I frightened you. My wolf was frustrated, and we snapped at you. Any other wolf in the pack, with the exception of Nikolay and Vasily, would have cowered in fear and dropped to the ground. I'm thrilled that you're strong enough to not fear me, to not fear my wolf."
“Of course I’m not afraid of you,” I say, rolling my eyes. “But you’re missing the point. I almost attacked you, Gray. I was out of control."
"On the contrary, you were remarkably controlled. When another wolf challenged your position, you only responded with a muzzle bite."
"Only?" I ask incredulously.
"Any other dominant would have done the same or worse."
"Even you?" I ask, not quite believing him.
"Especially me." When I don't respond, he leans back against the pillows, pulling me down with him so I'm once again lying across his chest. "But I wouldn't have stopped at just a muzzle bite."
His hand is back in my hair, which I only now realize is a wild mess since I didn’t blow dry it after my shower.
"I told you before that Miles was gutted by a buck. Did I tell you how it happened?"
"No," I say, resting my head against his chest.
"We were on a hunt, much like tonight, and we chased down a deer, Miles, Derek, Isabel and I. Right after I took it down, Zak side blinded me, trying to take my kill. I'm sure you noticed that Zak is strong, but not as strong as me. His attack was a direct challenge, and my wolf takes those seriously. I had to put him in his place."
"What did you do?"
"What any other wolf would have; I fought him into submission." He's quiet a moment, remembering. "I had him pinned to the ground, teeth wrapped around his throat. I wanted to crush it, I wanted to taste his blood in my mouth and know that he would never be a problem again."
"But you didn't," I say, lifting my head to look at him. "You controlled it?"
He gives me a half smile. "No, not quite. I wanted to kill him. I would have been perfectly justified, too. Challenges like that can get brutal. I was standing over Zak, thinking about how much easier it would be if I ended him right there, but then Miles approached the buck, who it turns out wasn't quite dead. His scream snapped me out of it. I let Zak go. But if Miles hadn't gotten hurt, I'm not sure what I would have done..."
I feel Gray’s heart thud under my hand. It takes several moments before it slows down again.
"We’re animals at heart, Em. All of us. And I'm not talking just about werewolves. Everyone has the capacity to do horrible things, even humans. We're just more honest about it. If someone attacks us, we fight back. If someone threatens us, we end the threat. If someone challenges us, we either fight or submit. What happened last night with Isabel was completely normal. Nothing about you is out of control. If anything, you're too controlled."
"Too controlled?" I pick my head up off his chest to look at him. "What do you mean? How can I be too in control? The whole point of me coming here was to learn to control my wolf so I don't go feral.”
"Tell me about the hunt last night,” he says, rather than answering my question.
I sit up again, pulling my knees into my chest. An image of the bull’s dangerous hooves barely missing Gray's head flashes in front of me.
"I'm sorry, Gray. I almost got you killed."
"I don't want an apology, luna. I want an explanation. Tell me what happened."
He looks at me without any blame or anger. Slowly, I explain to him what happened, how I revolted at the idea of killing the moose. How my wolf wanted to take charge, complete the kill, but I wouldn't let her.
"You were afraid," Gray says.
"Yeah."
"Afraid that if you let her take charge, even for a moment, you would lose control and someone would end up getting hurt."
I nod, staring down at the blanket.
"So instead of trusting yourself—because your wolf is a part of you—you let fear take over. Instead of allowing your wolf to guide you in an area that she obviously knows more about, you allowed your fear to stop you, and still someone almost got hurt."
Ashamed, I nod again.
"Don't you see, Em? Your wolf isn't some monster out to hurt you or to take possession of your body. It's simply another part of you. It has different instincts, different strengths, a different way of thinking, but it’s still you. You’re terrified of yourself and your abilities and it’s paralyzing you. Until you can learn to trust yourself, to accept what and who you are, you’re never going to be as strong as you can be. And I need you to be strong."
"Why?" I ask. “Strength just means I can hurt others even more. Why do I need to be strong?"
"Because you're the Chain Breaker," he says, fear entering his eyes. "And if you aren't strong, you may not survive the war to come."
Chapter 17
"Good, I found you."
I start, looking up from the perfectly cooked omelet I’ve been blankly staring at for the last five minutes.
Madelyn walks into the parlor carrying a large paper-wrapped package. My mind whirls, unable to focus on anything. After showing me the way to the breakfast parlor, Gray was called into a meeting with Nikolay, so I've been sitting here by myself trying to wrap my head around everything that’s happened. It’s the first time I’ve been alone for days. Didn’t last long.
"I was hoping we'd have a minute to talk this morning, before your training."
"Training?" I perk up. Maybe she's changed her mind about me being feral.
"Yes, I imagine that's what Nikolay is talking to Gray about right now.”
"Oh." My chest deflates. Right. Werewolf training. Of course. I'm still too dangerous to be around her coven. I push my plate away, my appetite gone.
Madelyn's violet eyes roam over my face studying me. "How are you feeling?"
"Fine." She keeps a careful distance between us, her gaze scrutinizing my every move. My chest pulls tight. She's afraid of me.
"How did the hunt go last night?"
"Fine," I lie. Has she heard about my screw up yet?
"Hmm." She nods, but her eyes remain unconvinced. "Well, Gray will take good care of you. The whole pack will."
"What do you mean? Won't you be here too?"
"I live in town, yes. But I'm afraid I'm going to be very busy for the next few weeks. There’s been a lot of unrest in neighboring covens since Caroline's attack. I’ll have to visit the other covens, find out if Caroline's involved."
"What?" My heart skips a beat. "You think Caroline's around here?"
"No, no," Madelyn says, waving away my panic. "With the pack and the rest of my coven here, she wouldn't dare come near Ashwood. But there have been a few attacks in New York. Nikolay thinks she might be involved. I'll be leaving with a few others to investigate. If you need anything, just talk to Vasily. He'll know how to get a hold of me." The way she speaks, the way she looks at me, it's like she's talking to a stranger. I guess, despite our shared blood, we are strangers.
Pushing these thoughts to the side, I blurt out, "What do you know about Roman?"
Her eyebrows rise in surprise.
“They told me last night that Roman left the pack, but nobody would tell my why.”
"That explanation is probably best left to Gray or Vasily.”
I hold back a frustrated growl. More secrets?
“Why didn’t you let my mom and Roman mate?” I press. “Why did you try to force her to marry Vasily instead? ”
Madelyn lets out a heavy breath. "During one of her less lucid moments, Margie referred to Elizabeth’s future child the Chain Breaker. One of the wolves overheard and told Nikolay. He doesn’t understand that you can’t take everything Margie says as the absolute truth. The future is fluid; it’s always changi
ng. Nikolay wanted a strong alliance with us, and strong bloodlines for you. Roman just wasn't strong enough. Certainly not as strong as Vasily. As for me… Elizabeth and Vasily were good friends. I knew Vasily cared for her, and I hoped, in time, she’d grow to care for him too.”
"So, you and Nikolay just took it upon yourselves to arrange her life as you saw fit? To force her to marry someone else, just because he was more dominant, without any regard for what she wanted?" I look at her, not attempting to hide the disgust I feel. "No wonder she ran away."
Madelyn's eyes become hard like flint. "Things between the coven and pack were precarious back then. Not all of the werewolves were thrilled about the truce. Roman would have been too weak to protect her from the rest of the pack. Vasily was stronger. He would have kept her safe. I did what I thought was best."
We glare at each other, the air thick with anger and silent accusation. Then her expression changes, becoming cold and aloof once more.
"This is for you. I thought you might like to have it." She hands me the package she’s carrying.
"Odin?" I stare down at the statue of a blond, bearded man in a Viking hat, the same statue I saw on Madelyn's mantle when Caiden and I broke in. "Why?"
"It was your mother's. I saw your Yggdrasil tattoo last night and I thought you might like this," she says, gesturing to the small tattoo on the back on my shoulder. "I assume you got that to honor her?"
I shrug, uncomfortable discussing something so personal with her after the angry words we just exchanged. "Mom was always telling me stories about Odin. Caiden thought he might be my mom's patron god, though I don't really understand what that means."
Madelyn nods and gets a seat next to me, as if preparing to stay for a bit. "A patron deity is a god or goddess that you feel a deep connection to, the one you turn to for guidance and inspiration. It isn't exactly the same thing as an ancestor, though many times a witch will choose a patron deity that they’re descended from. Our family comes from Morrigan's bloodline, and she’s been our patron Goddess for generations. So, of course, Elizabeth decided on Odin for hers." She chuckles, the flash of humor taking years off her face. "Elizabeth always had to do everything differently."
"She just chose Odin to spite you?"
Madelyn smiles, her face soft and open for once. "I'm sure going against family tradition gave her a laugh, but no. A witch doesn't 'choose' a patron deity so much as is chosen by Him or Her."
I raise an eyebrow at her, more confused than before.
"Basically, your mother felt a deeper connection to Odin than any other deity, for whatever reason. I suppose it also explains her fascination with werewolves. Ever since she was a little girl, she's been interested in stories of Odin and werewolf lore."
"What does Odin have to do with werewolves?"
"They worship Him."
"Werewolves? Why?"
"Because they're descended from Him. Their ancestors were the Ulhethdnar, Odin's chosen warriors."
I remember Caiden mentioning this before, but I wasn’t paying much attention.
"So that's why my mom was always telling me stories about Odin? Because she knew I was descended from him as well as Morrigan?"
"I'm sure that was part of it. But she has always had a strong connection to Odin, even before your birth."
I stare at the large statue in my hands, trying to picture my mother as a rebellious teenager, going against family tradition and studying werewolf lore and mythology. There's so much about her I'll never know. Not for the first time, the pain of her loss nearly overwhelms me.
"Well, thanks for this," I say awkwardly.
Madelyn studies me a moment longer. By the time she stands up, all traces of softness have left her face. It reminds me of Caiden, always carefully tucking his emotions behind a blank mask.
"Of course. I have some other things of hers that I can bring by once I'm back in town."
She stands to leave, but I stop her. “Wait, one more thing. About last night. Does Margie really believe that I’m the Chain Breaker?”
She studies me solemnly. “Yes.”
“What about you? What do you think?”
She heaves a sigh, looking off to the side. “Margie is a very powerful Messenger, but she isn’t all-knowing. For your sake, I hope she’s wrong.”
I nod, avoiding her eyes, and listen to her footsteps recede out the door and down the hallway. When I'm sure she's gone, I head upstairs to put the statue away.
My leg jiggles involuntarily as I sit on the bed, staring across the room to Odin, now situated in the center of the dresser. So much has happened in the past month. Too much. If I were to sit here and try to analyze it all, I might go crazy. I need to shut off my brain.
Ordinarily, a bottle of vodka would be my drug of choice, but recent events have made me rethink the intelligence of that plan. Instead, I jump up and jog down the stairs.
I've never been one for exercise, but the energy buzzing through my veins is just begging for release. I head for the doors leading to the terrace outside. Maybe a walk will help clear my head.
I head onto the terrace through the French doors and look around. Miles, Isabel, Zak and the rest of the pack my age are all at school, and the adults are, I assume, at work. The town is quiet as I make my way to the forest edge. I'm not sure why I head in this direction, but the scent of the tall pines and leaf litter on the ground calms me, helping to clear my head.
I slip into the trees and follow the path Gray and I took last night on the hunt. Walking quietly through the forest, I start at every rustle. I know it's probably not a good idea for me to wander around the forest by myself, but I can't stay in that house any longer. I keep alert for any animals or other people around, but I don’t see anything besides a few squirrels gathering up some late autumn nuts.
I follow our scent trail to the spot where Gray and Isabel ambushed the bull. Crouching down, I inhale the scent of the moose. My mouth begins watering and I grimace. Probably shouldn't have skipped breakfast.
I replay the events of last night in my head. How Gray growled at me after nearly getting killed, how Isabel yelled, causing my wolf to retaliate.
Was I really out of control as I believed, or was it just a normal werewolf response like Gray said? My wolf was angry, true, but we didn't actually hurt Isabel. If my wolf had wanted to hurt her, she would have.
But I scared Miles, I think, recalling how he looked, crouched on the ground, head down, avoiding my gaze.
I sit down on a large boulder, leaning my chin in my hand. I don't know what to think. Part of me believes Gray when he says I'm acting the same way other dominant were' do, but what if he's just saying that to keep me from panicking?
My cell vibrates in my pocket, making me jump.
"Hello?"
"Hey, Em," Arianna says. "I just talked to Olivia. What is going on? Did you really go to Ashwood?"
"Oh, yeah... I was gonna call you but things were crazy last night and I figured you'd be in school right now—wait a minute, why aren't you in school?"
"It's lunch; I ran into the bathroom to call you and find out what the hell is going on. Are you really gonna live there? For how long? What's their coven like?"
"I'm only here for a little while, just until things...calm down."
"You mean between the pack and the coven? Yeah, things are crazy. You know Richard has half the coven believing the pack killed Lydia on purpose?"
I make a disgusted noise in the back of my throat. "The pack was there to save me. They didn’t mean to hurt Lydia."
"I know, Em, but you’ll never convince Richard of that. He's trying to take Mirowski's place as High Priest, talking about how we need a stronger leader with the war coming..."
"Seriously? Who in their right mind would choose Richard over Mirowski?"
"Quite a few actually…” She hesitates. “I’ve heard some talk. The coven seems evenly split. Mirowski getting voted out is a real possibility."
"That's crazy. If only we co
uld get them to talk. If I came back, I might be able to arrange a meeting between the coven and the pack, get them to form a truce,” I say, thinking about James’ last talk with me. He wants an alliance with me, or so he says. Maybe I can talk him into making an alliance with the coven instead.
"No," Arianna says sharply. "I hate to say it, Em, but the way things are going, I think Caiden was right, telling you to get out of town. There's been talk about you too..."
"What kind of talk?" I ask, ignoring the sharp pang that goes through me at his name.
"A lot of them are wondering why Caroline tried to blood bond with you. I've heard a few of them mention the prophecy Lydia gave that day, about the war starting again..."
"How would they know about that? We were the only ones who heard it, besides Ethan, Caiden and Caroline"
"Caroline must have told them. Em, they seem to think you're somehow responsible for the upcoming war. And they think Caroline found a way to use you to end it. I don't know any specifics, but if I were you, I'd stay away for a while. The way Richard is going on about you and the pack, I don't think it'd be safe for you here right now."
"Yeah..." I say. "You're probably right." If the coven is already on edge because of the prophecy, I can’t even imagine what they'd do if they found out I'm part were'. Or what they’d think about the whole 'Chain Breaker' thing...
How did I end up in the middle of this whole mess? And how can I possibly be both the Changeling and the Chain Breaker? One side has to be mistaken, or both. "Have you heard anything else, about what the prophecy might mean?"
"No, not yet. Do you want me to ask Mirowski about it?"
I sigh, staring out into the trees. "No, that's alright." A flash of movement catches my eye, and I freeze, heart hammering. Someone’s in the trees. "Well, thanks for the heads up, Ari. If you do hear anything else about it, let me know, alright? I'll call you later this week. Be careful."
"Yeah, you too. And I'll tell Caiden you said hi!" She hangs up before I can protest. I put my phone back in my pocket, scanning the forest.