by C. Larsen
Shoving his hands into his jean pockets, he attempts a smile, but it falls short. "While your faith warms me, luna, it's misplaced." The air around us fills with the scent of shame, sharp and biting. "What I did was horrible, and for no good reason except that I was ordered to."
I hold his gaze, my own steady. I know there's more to the story. "Tell me what happened," I say without blame or accusation.
"In this pack we are allowed to date humans, but with the unspoken understanding that such relationships are strictly temporary. A weres' first loyalty is to his pack, always. For the good of the pack, we're all expected to make strong matings with other werewolves. Keep the blood strong. But one of my pack brothers, Mikhail, got in too far; he let himself get too involved. He fell in love with her."
"What was her name?" I don't know why it matters, but it seems important.
"Megan. Her name was Megan." The sorrow rolling off him is overwhelming and I know instinctively that Megan's story doesn't have a happy ending.
"Nikolay, noticing Mikhail's increasing attachment to her, ordered him to break off the relationship. When he refused, he had him punished."
I'm almost afraid to ask, but I have to know. "Punished how?"
"Nikolay strung him up, chaining his hands to the ceiling. He had Zak beat him first. Then me."
Images flash behind my eyes. My arms strung up above me. Leanne’s punishing fists striking me over and over again. The sharp crack of pain. Fire searing across my face, behind my eyes. I flinch at the remembered pain.
"You beat him?" I try to hide my horror, all too easily picturing myself in Mikhail's position.
His grave eyes study mine, not missing my flinch. "Ivan ordered me to. I'm the Alpha's son. Next in line to lead. Ivan seems to think leading and torturing are one and the same. He leads by fear, him and Nikolay both. They think fear is the only way to keep a pack in line."
He pauses, staring down at the dirt at his feet.
"But that's not what you believe?"
When his eyes meet mine, I'm startled by the stark honesty in them. "A leader needs to be strong, especially in our world, but being cruel isn't the only way to get respect." He glances away again, lost in thought.
"So, what happened? What did you do?"
"I finished his punishment. I broke so many bones they had to call in a healer from Madelyn's coven just to keep him from dying. The cracks of bone, his cries of pain...I still hear it at night. Mikhail was a friend. What I did was horrible."
"Why didn't you refuse?"
"If I had refused, not only would it have weakened my position in the pack, but Ivan would have strung me up next to Mikhail, and we both would have been beaten. Refusing wouldn't have saved Mikhail from the punishment; if anything, it would have made it worse for Mikhail. He would have had to make an example of both of us if I challenged Ivan publicly on it.”
I nod my head, even though I don't completely understand. Not having been raised in a pack, I have only my experiences of the past month to go on. But even that short time has taught me that disobeying the Alpha is a very bad idea.
"I’m guessing the punishment didn’t work. Mikhail didn’t stop seeing the human? Megan?"
"No," he says sadly. "Mikhail was in love, and even pack law wasn't going to keep him from her. Knowing he'd never get another chance, the morning after his punishment, he took Megan and ran."
I hold my breath, waiting.
"I led the team that hunted them down and brought them back." There’s a world of sorrow in those few words.
"What did Nikolay do to them?" My voice is hushed, and I'm not completely sure I want to hear his answer.
"He had Mikhail executed."
"He had him killed." Even though I knew that's where this story was headed, I still have a hard time believing it.
"It was worse than that." Gray stares at the ground, lashes lowered, hiding his eyes. "Ivan insisted he be executed as a traitor, the way they do it in the old country."
"What does that mean?"
His voice sounds hollow, empty. "Five of us—me, Vasily, Nikolay, Grant and Robert—surrounded Mikhail, and in our wolf forms, we took turns lunging, attacking. Hurting him. Torturing him...He took a long time to die."
His voice sends a chill over me and for a moment I try to imagine it. Try to put myself in his shoes. To be forced to do that to another human being, a friend. The psychological damage that would do to someone. The horror of it is simply too much for me to comprehend.
"I'm sorry."
Gray looks at me, surprised. I step closer, wrapping my arms around his waist and resting my head on his strong chest. "I'm sorry you had to go through that."
He seems taken aback, as if this isn't what he expected. After a moment, his arms encircle my shoulders and he pulls me tighter against him.
"I puked my guts out the moment I got back to the house," he admits. "What we did to him..." He shakes his head. "There are no words."
I stay in his arms, giving him what comfort I can.
“I’ve punished pack brothers before,” he says. “Mikhail wasn’t the first. I’ve been my father’s enforcer since I was eight.” He goes completely still, waiting for my reaction. When I don’t say anything, just continue to hold him, his muscles relax a fraction. “After my mom died, Nikolay decided she coddled me too much. He thought it was time to ‘make a real man’ out of me,” Gray says, a sardonic lilt to his voice, but behind the sarcasm there’s a deep revulsion at what was done to him. At what he was forced to do.
“Mikhail wasn’t the first pack brother I’ve punished, but he was the first pack brother I’ve killed. It was….” He trails off, at a loss for words. My arms tighten around his waist. Silence thickens the night. Snow flurries begin drifting down, swirling around us in the light breeze. Despite the cold, Gray’s body radiates heat, relaxing my muscles. I lean further into him, my chest pressing against his.
"What happened to Megan?" I finally ask. The way his body stiffens makes me wish I could take the question back.
"She was killed," he says quietly.
"How?"
There's a long silence before he finally answers. "I wasn't there for it, but I saw the room afterward...It wasn't pretty. Vasily wanted to let her go if we could find a memory smith—"
"A what?"
"A memory smith—a witch who could erase her memories of the pack, of Mikhail."
Like Caiden, I think to myself.
"But Nikolay said it was too much of a risk. He gave her over to Ivan to take care of..."
I feel an overwhelming sense of sorrow for this poor woman. A woman I've never met; a woman who suffered horribly because she committed the crime of falling in love with the wrong person.
"Why?" I ask. "Why did they have to kill them? Why couldn't they have just let them go?"
Gray's muscles tighten, and this time he tilts my chin up so I can look at him.
"Emerson, when a werewolf leaves his pack without permission from his Alpha, he's considered rogue. A lone wolf. Other packs won't accept him. He becomes an outcast. He or she will be forced to live the rest of their lives without the comfort a pack, without the stability it provides."
I cock my head, not understanding.
"Wolves aren't meant to live alone, any more than people are. When you put a human in solitary confinement, when you separate them from other human contact, their minds begin to break down. The same happens to a werewolf, but on a much more severe scale."
“Grant mentioned that. He said werewolves without a pack go feral.”
"Exactly. Without the support of the pack bonds, without other werewolves to anchor us, our minds start to break. Unlike what Madelyn believes, a were' doesn't just become feral overnight. Rather, they start to turn, bit by bit, over a period of time. The length of time depends on how strong the wolf is to begin with. Some can last years on their own before they become unstable enough to hurt themselves or those around them. Others go mad within a month."
"But tha
t little boy," I say. "Madelyn said he woke up one morning, shifted, and went berserk."
"That doesn't mean he was feral."
I shake my head, not understanding. "But he killed his parents, killed people in town."
"Not because he was feral," Gray explains. "What Madelyn described, that's what would happen to any were' who shifted for the first time without another werewolf nearby to stabilize them."
"You mean...that would've been me, if you hadn't shown up?" If I hadn't called Gray that night, if I had called Caiden, or Arianna, or if my father had been home...
"Yeah, but I did show up," he says, his thumb caressing my jaw line. "You called me, thank God. And now that you've learned to control your shifting, you aren't in danger of that happening anymore. But if you or any other werewolf left the pack and became a lone wolf, sooner or later, you'd become feral. Feral werewolves are dangerous, not just to the people they come into contact with, but for our entire race. Do you know what the government would do to us if they found out we exist?"
“I can imagine. I guess I can understand why the pack wouldn't allow any of us to leave and become rogue, but why couldn't they just let Mikhail and Megan be together? Why aren't werewolves allowed to mate with humans?"
"Some packs allow it, but not many," Gray says, sighing. "Nikolay and Ivan believe in keeping the bloodlines pure." He stares off into the night, lost in thought. I lean against him again, sadness settling over me for Mikhail and Megan, people I've never met, grief for Gray and what he was forced to do. What he might be forced to do to Derek...
"What's done is done," he says, shaking off his melancholy. "There's nothing I can do about Mikhail or Megan. But when I'm Alpha, I can make sure that sort of thing never happens again."
Gray's guilt and shame hang heavy around his neck, reminding me of Caiden that last night I saw him. How he blamed himself for Lydia's death. For my mom's.
But Gray's guilt is different; he's the type of person that's strengthened by such things, not weakened. We all have regrets, guilt, shame, but Gray doesn't let it destroy who he is; instead of letting the guilt consume him, he learns from it. He doesn't let it cripple him.
"You're saying that when you're Alpha, you'll let pack members marry humans?" I ask.
The way he looks at me makes my heart beat faster, sending shivers all the way down to my toes.
"Blood has nothing to do with love or family. You can't control who you fall for. Ivan and Nikolay think strong blood lines make a strong pack, but they're wrong. It's our bonds of friendship, of affection, of love, that make us strong. We should be able to mate who we choose, regardless of birth or blood or ability. None of that matters. You love who you love."
I stare up at him, mesmerized by the soft glow in his eyes. My heart pounding in my chest, I reach up to caress his strong jaw line. His eyes close and he presses his cheek further into my hand. As his nose brushes against my wrist, he inhales, breathing my scent deep into his lungs. The sweet scent of spring and daffodils mingles with his usual scent, making my breath come faster.
My hand slides up his back, cupping the back of his neck to draw him closer. When he opens his eyes, the look he gives me sizzles all the way down to my toes.
His lips brush softly over mine and I open for him, letting him in. His tongue moves against mine, tasting me, savoring me. My fingers tangle in his hair. I press myself harder against him. The kiss changes from slow and sweet to hot and hungry.
I feel his wolf surge up, hunger and triumph at war within him. My wolf comes alive within me, answering his call. She reaches for him, claiming him for her own.
My feet leave the ground as Gray lifts me up and presses me back against the tree. My legs wrap around his waist, trying to pull him closer. One hand kneads my bottom, holding me up. The other disappears beneath my shirt. Tingles follow where his hand leads.
Digging my heels into him, I press him closer, the bulge in his pants rubbing against me. He groans, the kiss becoming wild, almost frantic. I moan, needing more, needing him. Repositioning us, he lays me on the ground, my legs still wrapped tight around his waist, keeping us locked together. He struggles with the leather jacket, trying to pull it off me with my arms locked around his neck, my fingers digging into his shoulders and back.
Once I realize what he's trying to do, I help him, yanking off the jacket, then my shirt. He stares down at me, eyes flashing gold as they trace my lacy black bra. They flick up to meet mine, and at my small nod, he reaches around to unhook my bra. Once he removes it, he growls staring at my bare flesh. Then his head lowers and his warm mouth envelops me.
I cry out at the feel of the rough pad of his tongue. With my legs still around his waist, he presses into me, finding a rhythm that makes me moan. His mouth continues its relentless assault, his groans intensifying as he moves against me.
He lifts his head, one hand tangling in my hair at the back of my head, the other gripping my shoulder. His mouth moves up to my neck, warm and wet. His teeth bite lightly where my shoulder and neck meet. The feel of his teeth against my skin sends me over the edge. He groans an instant later, all his muscles pulling tight. With one last, deep shudder, he collapses on top of me, still nuzzling my neck where his teeth were a moment before.
My breath comes in rapid pants. I lay there, dazed by what just happened.
Damn, if it's this incredible with our clothes still on, I can only imagine what sex would be like...
Gray whispers husky Russian words into my ear, most of which I don't understand, but I recognize a few of the ones he's said to me in the past. My hands are still pressed up under his shirt, fingers idly caressing his back while my breathing returns to normal, lethargy overtaking my muscles.
Gray's mouth brushes against mine again, kissing me sweetly, and I run my hands higher up his back, feeling his muscles ripple and flex under my touch.
"Come on, luna, better get dressed."
"Mmmm," I answer, keeping my eyes closed, prolonging this moment. Underneath the warm, languid feeling coursing through me, I know I shouldn't be here. Shouldn't be doing this. As much as I enjoyed it—really enjoyed it—I know this is a mistake. Letting myself feel something for Gray can't lead to anything good. He's a notorious flirt; I'm sure he has a long list of girls he's with on a regular basis. I don't want to just be another one in the pack. I've been betrayed too many times. I can't do it again.
Shoving these thoughts away, I force a smile to my face. "I never thought I'd see you in such a hurry for me to put my clothes back on."
"Believe me, luna," he says, looking down at me with heat-filled eyes. "I'd love nothing more than to lay here all night with you, but the others are headed this way, and you probably don't want them finding you half naked in the grass like this."
"Yeah, definitely don't want that," I say with a grimace.
Gray scrutinizes my face for a few heartbeats before turning away, searching the grass for my shirt and bra.
"How far away are they?" I strain my ears, trying to listen for their footsteps, but the pounding of my heart drowns out everything else.
"Still a few minutes out."
Struggling into my clothes, I rake my gaze up and down him. "How come you're still fully dressed?"
He leans back onto his hands, watching me fumble with my bra. With my hands still shaking from adrenaline, it's more difficult than usual to get the damn thing hooked.
With a sexy smirk he says, "I didn't think you were ready to take it that far yet, but if I was wrong, I'd be happy to strip down for you right here."
I'm momentarily distracted by the image of Gray naked, on top of me, all that warm skin and lovely muscle... Then I snap my mind back to the present and turn away to hide my expression.
"No, thanks," I say with a forced laugh. "We should get back. Wouldn't want to be the cause of any pack gossip."
Gray chuckles. "Yeah, and I kinda need to get cleaned up." He looks down at his jeans with a wry expression and I laugh out loud, a real laugh this time.
"Right, probably don't want the others finding you in this condition." I giggle again, relief spreading through me that he's joking around and isn't taking what happened too seriously. It would be worse if he pretended to have real feelings for me, only to pull the rug out from under me. At least this way, we both know where we stand.
"Enjoying this, are you?" he asks, helping me to my feet. He grabs his jacket off the ground and hangs it over my shoulders as we walk back to the house.
When we get to my room, Gray stops outside my door. The way his gaze traces along my face makes me a little uneasy.
"Goodnight, Em." His lips brush mine before he turns and disappears down the hallway.
Chapter 21
I wake up Saturday morning, a deep sense of peace surrounding me. Stretching, I smile to myself, unsure why I'm in such a good mood. Then I catch a glimpse of the clock and realize it's almost eight in the morning. I haven't slept this late since first coming to Ashwood Creek. It's amazing what a good night's sleep does for my disposition.
I’ve just finished brushing my teeth when I hear a knock at the door. Gray's standing there, but instead of the sleeveless tee and shorts he usually wears for our training sessions, he's dressed in jeans, a t-shirt and his black leather jacket.
"No training today?" I ask hopefully.
He smiles, but it doesn't reach his eyes. "No. No training. At least not this morning."
Something in his expression puts my instincts on high alert. "What's wrong?"
"It looks like Zak’s getting his way."
"His way?" Then the conversation from last night comes back to me and I gasp. "You mean Derek? They found him?"
"Not yet," he says, grief clouding his eyes. "But he convinced Nikolay to send a hunting party into Malcolm's territory to see if we can find him."
My stomach drops, anxiety rolling over me.
"Don't worry, luna, we probably won't find anything. It's just a precaution."
"What time do you have to leave?"
"Now," he says. "I wanted to wait until you woke up to tell you, so you didn't worry. Grant and Max will be with you today. They're downstairs having breakfast. Oh, and it's Max's birthday today, so see what you can do to cheer him up."