by Shannon West
“Don’t be rude, Nick. It’s boring.”
Nick’s face flushed furiously, but he lowered his gaze and took a big swig of coffee. “Why are you really here, Carter?”
“I told you. For old times’ sake. And, to be honest, I want to see if we made a mistake in ending things.”
“A mistake? In ending what things? What the hell are you talking about? You’re the one who told me in no uncertain terms what you thought of me. Why are you suddenly here, after all this time?”
“It’s not sudden, Nick. I’ve been thinking about this for a long time. It was too hard to talk to you after our last encounter.”
“I thought you’d pretty much said it all.”
“I tried to apologize for that, Nick, almost five years ago and I’m sorry. I was upset and confused. I had feelings I didn’t know what to do with. I needed to see you again, to see if there’s anything left of what we once had. We were like brothers, Nick, for a really long time.”
Nick studied the bottom of his coffee cup. Finally, he slanted a look up at Carter and snorted. “Brothers, my ass. I never felt very ‘brotherly’ toward you, and you had to know that. You’re not gay, Carter, and I am. I was so desperately in love with you back in the old days I would have done anything to be near you. Even pose as your ‘best friend.’ I’m a grown man now and have been for a long time. I’m not willing to settle for friendship.”
There was a long silence, and then Carter spoke up very quietly. “Sounds reasonable. We won’t settle then.”
Nick’s head snapped up and his mouth dropped open. He regarded Carter incredulously. “Do you even know what the hell you’re saying?”
“I’ve never even kissed a man other than you. I’ve never been attracted to anybody else. It’s always been women with me, but even then, I haven’t found anyone who could make me feel happy and satisfied. I don’t know if I can. Hell, maybe there’s something wrong with me. All I know is I’ve never been able to get you off my mind. Carter took a deep breath. “I’ve thought about you almost every day of my life for the last five years. I wondered what it would be like to—be with you.”
“Be with me? As in, be my lover?”
The word brought a blush to Carter’s cheeks, but he nodded his head, not looking up.
“What makes you think I’m interested?”
Carter sighed. “I guess I deserved that. Nick, I’m trying my best here. Work with me a little, will you?” Carter lifted his gaze. “By the way, are you?”
“Am I what?”
“Interested, damn it!”
It was Nick’s turn to stare down at the coffee for another long moment. “Carter, you know exactly how I feel. I haven’t made a secret of it. But I’ve tried really hard to put those feelings away, forget about them. I thought I’d done it too, until I saw you at the college the other day. I don’t know if I can open myself up to this again. It hurts too much. Are you experimenting? I don’t think I can deal with that.”
Nick glanced up and the look of raw suffering in his eyes made Carter’s stomach clench.
Carter crossed his arms and leaned against the counter. “I don’t want to hurt you ever again, Nick. I don’t know what it is I’m doing.” He ran his hands through his hair nervously. “But I-I think I’m in love with you, Nick. Probably have been for years. I was just too much of a coward to admit it.”
He looked up and met Nick’s incredulous gaze. “There. I’ve said it, and you can believe me or not. Laugh if you want to." He shot Nick a pleading look, begging him with his gaze to help him out, to meet him halfway. “We’ll always wonder if we don’t try. I don’t want to go through life wondering what might have happened if I hadn’t been such a coward. Do you?”
“If I were to say yes—to this roommate thing, and the rest—that doesn’t mean I’m making any decisions. It means I’m willing to consider it. To try it. ‘For old times’ sake.’ Personally, I don’t think we’d have a snowball’s chance in hell of making it work.”
“Why is that?”
“C’mon, Carter. You’re not gay. The first time I came at you, you ran away like a little puppy with its tail between its legs.” The yearning look in his eyes belied his harsh words, and Carter knew he was still acting tough. He had to find a way to convince him this was for real. For both their sakes. Even though Carter felt uncomfortable with the way the conversation was going, he knew he had to conquer his embarrassment.
“I want to try, Nick. With you.”
Nick looked confused. “Why now? You had your chance and you threw it back in my face. Now all these years later…This isn’t some kind of stupid, mid-life crisis is it?”
Carter sighed heavily and sipped his coffee. “No, Nick, I’m not that old. I’ll be twenty-six on my birthday, and I don’t think that’s middle aged. Don’t be ridiculous. But forget it if you’re not interested. Just never mind. Would you consider being friends?”
“I can’t be friends with you.”
Carter’s heart flipped over a little, and he sighed again. “I understand. I thought it was worth a try.”
“Wait. It is. Not the friend thing—that doesn’t interest me. I will try the other thing, though.” He took a deep breath. “I’d be willing to give it a shot.”
Carter glanced up to see if Nick was joking. “The other thing? You mean me moving in? You would?”
“I’ve wanted to make love to you for a long time, Carter. Obviously, you know that. Why in the hell would I turn down the chance? Sure, I’ll be glad to take your cherry, so to speak. Be sure about this, though.”
Carter stood up and took his coffee mug to the sink, deciding again not to rise to the bait. He knew that with his crude words, Nick was giving him an out, if he wanted to take it. “Well, if you agree to my proposition then, I’ll move a few things over tonight.”
Nick shrugged. “Go ahead. Knock yourself out.”
Carter busied himself at the sink, well aware his towel was slipping lower and lower on his hips. When he turned, a strange little thrill went through him to see Nick staring at him. He seemed to be unable to tear his eyes away from the drooping towel. Carter leaned back against the sink and crossed his arms, deliberately flirting with Nick.
“We’ll take it slow, though, at first. We need to get to know each other all over again. It’s been too many years.”
Nick cleared his throat and shrugged. “Whatever. I still don’t think you’re gay. I think you might be bi-curious. I think a real man would scare you to death. Pretty boy.”
“Okay then. I guess we’ll see.” He straightened up and sauntered toward the bedroom. “Your theories are interesting, but I’ve got stuff to move.”
Carter stopped as he got to the door and looked back over his shoulder at Nick. He reached down and whipped off the towel, smiling as Nick’s mouth fell open. “It really is almost like old times, isn’t it?”
****
Over the weekend, Carter made good on his promise to move some of his things in. He worked hard at his storage facility, going through boxes and getting what he needed repacked to take to Nick’s. On both Saturday and Sunday nights, he’d been so tired, he had fallen asleep on Nick’s old sofa while he was watching tv. Nick had covered him with a blanket and left him there.
On the one hand, it was thoughtful and sweet. On the other, he was letting Nick down again. Nick had been awfully quiet all weekend, too. At least when he’d been home. He hadn’t been around a lot and Carter didn’t ask where he’d been. He didn’t think he had the right to do that yet, but he wondered if he was staying away on purpose because he was still angry.
He’d only seen him as angry as he’d been on the night they played poker only once before. And that memory still made him cringe. He didn’t like to remember why, but he had to think about it. Had to remember that night two years earlier—the worst night of his life...
Carter sat across the table from Nick at the restaurant and bar and was glad to see the lines disappearing a little from his face. W
hen he had first walked into the hospital room and seen the pain lines carved around Nick's mouth and the deep new grooves cut into his forehead, he had been badly frightened. Nick looked so pale, so broken, with his still deeply tanned face lying against the white sheets, the paleness seeming to have leached onto the skin around his eyes and mouth.
He’d actually started to rush toward him and throw his arms around him before he caught himself. Nick had opened his eyes then, and a smile lit up his handsome face. Carter’s heart, which had been thumping wildly settled down, and he contented himself with a few pats on Nick’s shoulder.
They had come to this restaurant to try to reconnect. They both felt it—the need to be closer, to try to recapture some of what they’d lost during the last bitter argument in the apartment. The one neither of them had mentioned yet.
Carter was lost in his thoughts of the past until Nick cleared his throat to get his attention. “Oh sorry, Nick, I guess I was daydreaming. This music is nice, isn’t it?”
The band played a mixture of soft rock and alternative. Right then, they were playing a soft, bluesy song Carter didn’t recognize, but it was nice, and relaxing. Nick wished he could pull him into his arms and take him onto the dance floor. He glanced across the table at Nick and smiled. “It’s good to see you back home, Nick. I really missed you.”
Nick looked at him warmly, but said nothing. He stared off into space a minute and then turned back to Carter. He took a deep breath. “Carter, why did you come to see me today?”
“Why? What do you mean?” Carter was puzzled by the question. Nick’s gaze was intense and when Carter reached for his glass to take a sip of wine, Nick grabbed his wrist and held it. Carter looked down at it wonderingly.
“What’s going on, Nick? Why are you looking at me like that?”
“Carter, is there something you want to tell me?”
“What do you mean?”
“When you walked in the door at the hospital, you rushed to me like you had something on your mind.”
“I was worried about you, and I thought you looked like you were in a lot of pain. That’s all.”
Nick took a deep breath. “Carter, there’s no other way to say this other than to come out with it. I lost you once before because I was a coward, and I won’t take the chance again.”
“Lost me?” Carter’s voice was hoarse. All of a sudden he felt like he couldn’t breathe.
“I think you know I’m in love with you, Carter. I’ve been desperately, hopelessly in love with you since, hell, probably the day we met. I could never get up the nerve to tell you I loved you. Not really. As a matter of fact, I’ve done everything in my power to respect your boundaries. I know I crossed the line with you a few times, like that night in the mountains, and the night you came to tell me goodbye when I deployed. But I tried, I really did. I didn’t want you to feel like you couldn’t be around me anymore. But it’s hard for me to be so close to you, to be sitting across from you, after coming so close to getting killed and not tell you about how much I love you. Life is short, Carter, and even if I’m embarrassing you, I needed to tell you. Just one time.”
Carter’s face flamed, and he had no idea what to say. Nick was looking straight at him, and he was expecting Carter to say something. Anything. Panic fluttered in his stomach. His heart started to race, and his palms were getting sweaty. Nick wanted Carter to tell him he loved him, but he couldn’t say those words. He wasn’t gay. He had these crazy feelings for Nick, sure, but he didn’t want to make love to him. Did he? A little devil in his mind reminded him Nick had been his first sexual experience. He sure seemed to like it then.
Feelings of shame and embarrassment washed over him. He glanced over at Nick, who still sat very still, watching him closely. He was taller than Carter by at least three inches, and much more muscular. He looked like a soldier all right, handsome, tough, and all male. As he stared into his eyes, Carter felt his cock twitch and a warm feeling spread through his groin.
Nick continued to stare at him like he was something to eat. Carter dropped his gaze and squirmed uncomfortably in his seat. He could feel himself coloring with embarrassment, and his damn cock was twitching out of control. An image of Nick holding him in his big, muscular arms came to his mind unbidden. Trying to cover up these alien feelings that had taken hold of him, Carter pretended it was all a joke.
“C’mon, Nick, get serious. I know you’re just teasing me, right? I know you don’t really love me...”
Nick shook his head. “No, Carter. It’s too late for that. We have to face this thing between us. Now I’ve finally admitted it to you, I’m not taking it back. Time for us both to deal with our feelings for once and for all.”
“I can’t do this, Nick. I, uh, I think I need to get home. Sorry, but I forgot something I have to do.” Nick reached across the table for his hand, but he jerked it away. His drink sloshed and spilled on the tablecloth, but he paid it little attention, anxious to be on his way. He hurried out to his car, not even thinking about the fact he would be stranding Nick in this restaurant across town from the hospital. He had to get out and deal with what he’d just heard. After fumbling for his keys, he dropped them in the dark of the parking lot and wasted precious moments searching for them.
Finally, unlocking the car, he yanked the door open. A big hand came from behind him and blocked him from getting in. If he hadn’t been so intent on reaching his car and running away, he would have heard Nick coming up behind him.
“Why are you always running away from me, Carter? Are you afraid of your real feelings?”
“Who’s running?” he lied. “I told you I have something I have to do.”
“Yeah, well, what about this?” Nick’s hand reached down to touch Carter’s raging hard erection. He flinched away and shoved Nick backward. “Stop it!”
“Baby, don’t run from this.”
“Don’t call me that! I’m not your baby. Damn! I like women, and only women. Get away from me, Nick, before I knock you on your ass.”
Nick smiled down at him. “That’ll be the day,” he drawled.
“Move, Nick. I have to go.” Carter was disgusted with himself. His temperature was rising, and the smell of Nick’s cologne and his own male scent almost overpowered him. His breathing rate quickened, and his damn cock was aching to be touched. Damn it!
Nick stepped up closer to him and pushed him back against the car door. He leaned into him and their groins rubbed together. Nick was as hard as Carter. “No, Nick,” he said in desperation. “I’m not gay. I’m not!”
“Prove it.” Nick said softly. “Don’t react to this.”
Nick leaned down and took control of his mouth, locking onto his lips and thrusting his tongue deep inside. He swept his tongue over Carter’s and Carter could taste him, a sweet taste like coffee and caramel. Nick moved his hands down to cup Carter’s ass and bring him closer. Carter whimpered softly under his lips, and Nick relented a bit, making his kiss sweeter, licking Carter’s lips and teasing them gently. He pulled Carter’s body even closer, and Carter moaned deep in his throat. Carter jerked away and pushed at Nick’s chest.
“No! I don’t want you. Get off me!”
“Don’t do this baby. I know you’re scared, but admit how you really feel,” Nick said softly. Nick moved his hips again, pressing against him. “Admit it, Carter. You love me too.”
“I don’t love you! What the hell are you talking about? I’m not a fucking queer like you!”
Nick cocked his head and flinched ever so slightly. His face never changed, but his eyes darkened. He let Carter go and backed away a few steps. “What did you say? What did you call me?”
“No, no, I-I didn’t mean to say that.”
Nick ignored him and kept backing away, his voice incredulous. “So, that what you think of me, Carter? A fucking queer? Isn’t that what you said?”
“I - no, I didn’t mean it.” Carter could barely get the words out. He knew he’d hurt Nick badly, but he couldn’t s
eem to find the right words to take it back. Hell, was there any way he could take it back? The hateful words had been said, and they echoed down their whole history together. Carter took a step toward Nick, but Nick pushed him away in disgust, his eyes filled with tears.
Nick turned his back on Carter and limped away, stabbing his cane down on the pavement ahead of him as he left.
“Please, Nick, wait!” Carter called after him, but he never looked back, just walked out of the parking lot and out of his life. He tried for weeks to get in touch with him to apologize, but Nick was stubborn. He refused to forgive him, or even answer his calls.
He’d finally had enough of Carter. It was all over.
Chapter Four
“Well, what happened? Did you kill him? Stuff the body in a drainpipe?”
Nick regarded Mike with irritation as he lounged in the doorway of his office. It was late afternoon the following Monday. Carter had moved things in all weekend and stayed there at his apartment the last two nights, though he’d slept on the couch, claiming to be exhausted from moving.
“What the hell are you babbling about this time?”
“Carter Ford. He’s not here today, so I figured you finished him off after you made us all leave.”
“Sorry to disappoint you, but he was alive and kicking when I last saw him. He’s probably out today, because he’s, uh, moving into a new place.”
“How do you know so much about it? You two weren’t exactly exchanging confidences at the poker game. I had no idea you hated the guy so much, man. If I had, I never would have suggested bringing him to the game.”
“I don’t hate him. Not really. I was angry. We have a lot of history.” Nick shrugged and kept working at his desk. He wished Mike would give up and go away. No such luck, though. Mike sauntered into the office and sat down on the edge of his desk.
“So where’s he moving to?”
Nick felt his face getting hot. He blew out his breath in exasperation. “My place.”