The Good Apprentice

by Iris Murdoch

‘How could you come and torment that poor woman?’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ said Stuart. ‘I wanted to stop her writing those letters. They don’t do her or Edward any good.’

  ‘God, you’re stupid. Look, tell Edward to stop messing about with Brownie Wilsden. He’s been seeing her. What the hell does he think he’s up to? I haven’t told Mrs Wilsden. If she knew that she’d die of rage. How can you be so insensitive, how can he be so bloody? He can only harm Brownie, she’s terribly unhappy, her mother’s turned against her, he’lljust mess her up still more, he’ll drive her out of her mind. And tell him from me — ’

  ‘Yes.’ Stuart looked earnestly down.

  ‘Oh never mind. I’m glad he’s feeling guilty about Mark. But what about me? Why doesn’t he feel guilty about me? I can think about that night too. He’s gone off, I wrote him and he didn’t answer. He’s a bloody criminal. Tell him I hate him forever. Tell him to take himself away and get himself seen to. No one has ever been really kind to me ever, my childhood was a desert and a desolation, I don’t fit in anywhere, I’ve fallen out of everything, I don’t really exist, no one cares. Everybody’s predatory, out for themselves. I used to want to meet you because you sounded different, you sounded special. I made up to Edward because of you. But you’re awful, you’re so crude and pleased with yourself, you’ll only do harm in the world, and I’ll tell you one thing, women will always detest you, they’ll smell you out and hate you. Tell Edward to stop meddling — oh I know you think I’m jealous — ’

  ‘I don’t — ’ said Stuart.

  ‘But it’ll kill Mrs Wilsden if she knows he’s even met Brownie. Can’t he do one decent thing? What’s your religion?’

  ‘I haven’t exactly got one,’ said Stuart.

  ‘Either you’re religious or you’re not. You believe in nothing. That means you believe in yourself. Have you got any scars on your body?’

  ‘No — ’

  ‘I had a dream about you. But that was before, when I thought you were a good man or something. What a con! Goodbye forever. Tell Edward — oh never mind — fuck it all.’

  Sarah let go of his cuff, which she had been holding onto as if suspended from it, and scudded away. Her small feet, emerging from the tight jeans, were dusty and bare. She reached the house and vanished inside. Stuart heard the door bang. He walked on.

  A few minutes later a car began to slow down beside him and stopped a little further on. Ursula leaned over and opened the passenger door.

  He got in.

  ‘Shall I take you home to Harry’s?’

  ‘No, I’m not living there now.’

  ‘Where then?’

  ‘Look, there’s no need for you to drive me — ’

  ‘Where?’

  He gave her the address and they drove on.

  ‘How’s Edward?’

  ‘In a poor way.’

  ‘I gather from Elspeth that he turned up at her cottage, he was staying at the Baltram residence. Thomas sent him of course. I can imagine how much good that did! They say the old man there is dying from lack of medical attention.’

  Stuart said nothing. He did not want to have to tell Ursula about his own visit to Seegard about which he felt confused, even almost ashamed.

  ‘I’ll go and see Edward and get him back on pills. I bet he’s lost them or chucked them by now. I suppose he’s at Harry’s?’

  ‘No,’ said Stuart, ‘he’s living in his old digs, in his old room, where it all happened.’

  ‘That’s Thomas’s idea too? It has his trade mark.’

  ‘I think so. Harry just told me when I called in.’

  ‘Have you quarrelled with Harry?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Everyone’s behaving so oddly these days. I’m the only sane person around. I’ve been away at a conference in California. I thought they were all crazy there. But if I take my eye off you lot — How are you? Have you heard from Giles? Willy told him to write to you.’

  ‘Yes, he wrote me a marvellous letter.’

  ‘Which you paid no attention to. But how are you?’

  ‘All right — ’

  ‘Let me give you some advice, young Stuart. Don’t wait, don’t sit around thinking about doing good and wondering what’s the best way for you to do it, go and do some for a while. Do some voluntary work with miserable afflicted people. I could suggest some things. I haven’t a moment now, will you telephone me?’

  ‘Yes. Thanks Ursula. I’m afraid I messed things up today.’

  ‘You certainly believe in shock tactics.’

  ‘I’m sorry now — ’

  ‘Oh don’t be, it’s original, who knows, everyone has been pussyfooting around, the change might do her good. How can one know what to do with grief like that? The human mind is a bottomless mystery. Only people like Thomas imagine they understand it, and my God they’re a menace. It’s just luck that Thomas hasn’t killed anybody yet. He’s simply taken over Edward’s fantasy! That’s called therapy. It’s the same with that old crook Blinnet. Thomas is fascinated by other people’s dream life, he’s lost all sense of reality. All the same I can see he’s losing his grip, he’s losing his confidence, and that’s vital. They can only function if they’re supremely confident, like God. Could you give me Edward’s address?’

  After Ursula dropped him at his lodging Stuart stood a while on the pavement wondering if he should walk to a café where he sometimes had supper. A walk might do him good. He felt upset and tired and hungry. He decided it would be better to stay in his own room and cook something on the gas ring. He could sit quiet there. He was glad to have seen Ursula, though he felt no impulse to ‘have a good talk’ with her, as she had hinted that he might. He began to mount the stairs, pleased with the prospect of being alone. However his troubles were not yet over for that day.

  The door of his room was open. He went in, and in the subdued evening light saw someone there, standing in the middle of the room, a man, no, a boy. It was Meredith.

  ‘Look, I’ve waited ages for you.’

  ‘Sorry, I’ve been away — ’

  ‘Of course you have, I saw that! I went to your dad’s place. He wasn’t pleased to see me. He gave me your address and slammed the door.’

  ‘I’m glad you’ve come. I could give you some supper, but — What is it?’

  ‘What is what?’

  ‘Why have you come? Just to see me? There’s nothing wrong I hope.’

  ‘Of course I haven’t come just to see you. That’s not how we work things, you and me. We don’t just drop in, we make appointments. We don’t meet in each other’s houses, we meet in mysterious public places, improving places, like the British Museum or the National Gallery.’

  ‘Would you like some Coca-Cola?’

  ‘No. I’m in a state.’

  Stuart sat on the bed. Meredith stood looking out of the window.

  ‘What’s this state you’re in, tell me.’

  ‘It’s about you.’

  ‘I’m sorry to hear that — ’

  ‘And my mother. You know I told you she was having an affair and you said it’s impossible. Well, it isn’t impossible and it’s with your father. Did you know?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘So you told a lie.’

  ‘I didn’t know then,’ said Stuart. ‘I found out since. Does your father know?’

  ‘I don’t think so. He lives in a world of his own. He and Mr Blinnet sit on a cloud together and play harps. But that’s not the point, I mean about your dad. It’s about you.’

  ‘How, about me?’

  ‘My mother’s upset about you, and I don’t know what it is. What is it?’

  ‘I think she’s upset because I know about her and my father. I found out by accident.’

  ‘But what did you do to her, you must have put some sort of spell on her?’

  ‘What did she say?’

  ‘Oh all sorts of things. Something or other was all your fault. It sounded as if you’d been seducing her! I couldn’t make i
t out.’

  ‘But — why did she talk to you?’

  ‘I talked to her. I shouldn’t have, I think. But it all hurt me so much, it got inside my head, I couldn’t bear it. I suppose I wanted her to say it wasn’t so, even if it was. It was just hell, it is hell. You were right, it’s impossible, only the impossible is possible. I didn’t ever dream that she — it’s incredible — and so terrible. I felt cut off from her — and from my father because he didn’t know — ’

  ‘What did you say to her?’

  ‘I just said I knew and I thought it was horrid. And then I felt I’d done something so dreadful to my mother. She was so miserable and sort of — squashed — I wished like hell I’d held my tongue. And then she started talking sort of wildly-I was scared stiff — as if she’d gone mad — and then she told me I mustn’t see you again — ’

  ‘She said that?’

  ‘Yes, but that’s nothing. She said it before, and I just said, “Don’t be silly” and she took it back. But then she went on about you as if you mattered a lot, as if you’d sort of taken her over. You didn’t make a pass at her or something?’

  ‘No,’ said Stuart. ‘Meredith, please calm down. I just suggested to your mother that she ought to tell your father, and stop this thing with mine — ’

  ‘That’s all is it! But she’s in love with him, isn’t she? Or with you, I don’t know. Perhaps you’re both after her.’

  ‘Meredith, stop this. You know perfectly well that I wouldn’t — ’

  ‘How do I know? I don’t really know anything about you. Sometimes I feel you aren’t really there the way other people are. You’re a pretty peculiar chap. You’re ambiguous, or ambivalent, somebody said. My mother said you’re a bit mad, she said that earlier. Everyone says that actually. She warned me against you. She said it would end badly. You’ve led me on to be dependent on you, you’ve tampered with my affections, you want to dominate me. I’m older now, I understand. I mustn’t see you any more, I don’t want to see you any more, you’re sentimental about me — ’

  ‘Shut up,’ said Stuart. ‘You don’t believe any of this nonsense. I haven’t done anything to your mother except tell her what I thought. She asked me what I thought and I told her.’

  ‘She came to you.’

  ‘Yes, I wouldn’t have said anything. And I certainly don’t intend to tell your father. I just hope and believe that this deception will end soon. And I’m not sentimental about you, I love you. You’re old enough to understand that terminology. Meredith, there’s nothing wrong here. Don’t let other people — ’

  ‘She thinks you’re after me. I know about these things.’

  ‘Don’t be utterly silly. We’re free individual people not cases of something or other. We’ve known each other for a long time and we’ve trusted each other, you know I’m not — ’

  ‘I don’t want you, it’s all gone wrong, it’s become a nightmare, and it’s your fault.’

  ‘I’m very sorry about your mother — ’

  ‘She came to you, I hate you — ’

  ‘Stop being hysterical, don’t shout!’

  ‘You made me get attached to you, you wanted to control me — ’

  ‘I may have wanted to influence you, but — ’

  ‘I don’t want to see you any more ever!’

  ‘Meredith, wait — ’

  Meredith’s wild tears were flowing. He threw himself across the room toward the door. Stuart tried to stop him, grasped at his waist then clutched his coat tails as he struggled free and slipped away. Stuart ran down the stairs and out into the street, but the boy, fleet of foot, was already disappearing in the gathering evening dusk. Stuart ran a little way after him then gave up. He returned slowly and went upstairs to his room and closed the door. Then he sat on the floor leaning against the bed as the room grew dark.

  ‘It can’t all have been smashed by that sorceress at Seegard or because Jesse kissed you and set you off, sent you off at a tangent as you said, that is made you temporarily insane? Well, I can imagine you suddenly thinking you were sort of in love with him, you said you’d been thinking about him all your life, and being jealous of Chloe, and — ’

  ‘It’s not that, I told you — ’

  ‘That’s the shock, that’s what’s unhinged you, but you’ll recover — ’

  ‘It’s nothing to do with Jesse or — it’s nothing to do with anything — ’

  ‘That’s impossible,’ said Harry. ‘Everything is to do with something. What I cannot and will not believe is that you can even imagine that you’re in love with Stuart. That not.’

  They were at Midge’s house, not upstairs in ‘their’ room but sitting in the flowery drawing-room. Thomas was safely away all day at the clinic. They sat facing each other a few feet apart, and each face was gaunt with the horror of new truth, as if blown back and bared by a great wind. They stared, sick, biting their lips and sometimes trembling. Midge was wearing no make-up except for a dab of powder on the end of her nose. Harry was wearing a dark red bow tie with his black leather jacket which, Midge had told him once, made him look young and desperate.

  ‘You can’t love him,’ said Harry, ‘it’s not possible, I won’t believe it. What is loving him, what does it consist in, do you want to go to bed with him?’

  ‘I don’t know — I suppose I do — ’

  ‘If you don’t know and you suppose, you’re not in love.’

  ‘It’s not like an ordinary thing of wanting to make love — ’

  ‘Wanting to make love isn’t ordinary, wanting it like we want it isn’t.’

  ‘It’s just that he’s so remote, he’s strange, I can’t imagine — I want to be with him, to touch him, to talk to him, to be — in an absolute tension — with him — ’

  ‘Midge, do you know what you’re talking about? Do you know whom you are talking about and to whom? I don’t suppose this is an ugly joke designed to hurt me, but it feels like it.’

  ‘You must see that I’m in earnest,’ said Midge. ‘I can’t help hurting you just by telling you the truth. You used to say that I evaded the facts and wouldn’t speak straight. Well, my speaking straight now proves how much in earnest I am. Only something very extreme would make me behave like this.’

  ‘Or a mental breakdown. I think you are literally mad, the strain of our love has made you go mad. You’d better ask Ursula for some pills! You’ll recover. Only don’t drive me mad in the interim. You’ve invented the one thing in the world that would hurt me most of all.’

  ‘I didn’t invent it.’

  ‘Think who this person is on whom you profess to be fixated!’

  ‘Who? Oh — your son — yes — ’

  ‘You’d forgotten? You think it doesn’t matter?’

  ‘Yes — but — I don’t feel him as anyone’s son, he’s just himself.’

  ‘Are you feeble-minded? I exist, look, I’m here. We’ve been happy utterly devoted faithful lovers for two years, we are planning to marry — ’

  ‘I feel so changed — ’

  ‘Midge, do you want me to hit you? There’s a whole world invested in this. We’ve been loving and truthful and tender and passionate with each other. We didn’t regard this as a casual adventure. Did we?’

  ‘No, but something has happened — ’

  ‘I still think it’s Jesse. The thing about Stuart is just a by-product, it’s shock, that’s what it is, shock. I even thought it might be a good thing, your meeting Jesse like that, even the ghastliness of Stuart and Edward being there, I thought it might jolt you into telling Thomas. If only you’d let me tell Thomas then, when you started talking about Stuart on that day! If only I’d been brave enough to leave you at the flat and go straight to Thomas and tell him, whether you liked it or not! I’ve let you rule me all along because I love you. Christ, I’ve been such a coward, you’ve made me a coward. If I’d told Thomas then you’d never have developed this thing about Stuart at all.’

  ‘No, I was already in love with Stuart, only I
didn’t tell you, I fell in love with him in the car, when he was sitting behind us. He made me do so.’

  ‘You mean he deliberately — you said he hadn’t tried to — ’

  ‘No, he didn’t, he hasn’t, it was just his being, like a sort of radiation — ’

  ‘We’re getting all mystical now. You make me sick, oh so sick, as I’ve never been with you before. You are destroying it all in front of my eyes, all our precious perfect love, making yourself hate me, making me hate you. It’s like something mechanical. I feel like killing you.’

  ‘Harry, I’m desperately sorry. Don’t you think I’m miserable too about this?’

  ‘I shall certainly kill him.’

  ‘I’m being very brave, so brave, because of him. He made me feel how unworthy it all was, how rotten, untrue to Thomas, untrue to you — ’

  ‘You mean you never intended to marry me at all!’

  ‘I don’t mean that — ’

  ‘You’re in a masochistic trance. It’s the sort of thing Thomas could explain. You’ve been feeling guilty for two years and now Stuart finding out has crystallised it all into a manic fit of self-abasement. All right, feel guilty if it pleases you, only don’t call it being in love with Stuart. He occasioned it. He doesn’t have to be the love object too!’

  ‘That’s how it is,’ said Midge, gaunt and pale with the effort of this explanation which had been going on repetitively for some time. ‘His being so different, so separate and entire and not messed up into things, I couldn’t help it, he was a revelation suddenly just as himself-not what he said or meant-just him as if he was the truth — ’

  ‘Like Jesus Christ. I shall vomit. Can’t you see him as he is, a timid, pretentious, pompous, conceited, abnormal neurotic?’

  ‘I love him,’ said Midge.

  ‘And you no longer love me?’

  ‘Harry, I don’t know. It’s different, it has to be because everything’s changed. I feel cut off from you. You must have felt that at the flat.’

  ‘I did, but I thought it was a temporary thing. I still think this is a temporary thing. It can’t be otherwise. We’ve so tried and tested each other, we’ve achieved each other — Or are you going to marry him!’