Always

by Jessie Rose Case

“Elizabeth,” he said again, “your dress.”

  This time, she heard him. She’d been lost to the memories of Red Wolf and the emotions riding her. But until that moment when he said her name, to her shame, she’d been imagining Red Wolf not Carl.

  What was she doing? She asked herself. Carl lifted her hair and Elizabeth raised the dress over her head and slipped it on, pulling her hair free.

  Carl, walked back around her and looked in her eyes. Elizabeth looked back at him. She was suddenly very embarrassed. What had she done? It was unforgiveable to this man.

  “We should get back.” Was all he said. Elizabeth nodded and walked away from him in silence. As they reached the tepee, to Elizabeth’s relief, White Dove was already inside. White Dove took one look at them and seemed to know everything. That something had passed between them.

  She looked extremely happy for them. Life would be easier for Esa with her own kind. But, the knowledge of Red Wolf’s desire for Elizabeth, laid heavily on her. White Dove had come back to the tepee hurriedly knowing that Grey Owl had sort approval for his daughter Sky, to marry Red Wolf. To White Dove’s astonishment. Red Wolf had seemed to agree. How Esa would take that news, she did not know.

  Maybe she’d been wrong, thought White Dove. Clearly, something had made Red Wolf accept Sky over Elizabeth. It did not make sense to her. He’d declared himself to her and Esa. He would not do that unless he was certain. Red Wolf had some explaining to do. He knew better than to trifle with women. Once she been told by her friends of Sky’s acceptance, she’d hurriedly made her way back to tell Esa. She’d been increasingly worried about how Esa would take the news.

  Maybe now, it would be a good time to tell her. She had comfort with Carl and the news would not be too distressful, reasoned White Dove. It would be worse. If Elizabeth should hear it from someone else…..

  White Dove smiled at them both.

  “Come, food and coffee is here, join me.”

  Elizabeth smiled and kissed her and sat down to take the drink offered to her. She passed her a towel and Esa started to dry out her hair by the fire. Taking a sip White Dove felt calmer.

  Carl picked up his own food and coffee. Thanked White Dove and sat on the other side of them. He needed some space from Elizabeth and it would allow the women some privacy.

  “I hear good news is in the village.” She told them. “Not only is Running Elk to be married shortly before Harvest. But Grey Owl asked that his daughter be taken as bride and she has been accepted. So there will be two weddings before winter in our family.”

  Elizabeth stopped drying her hair and looked up at her. She wasn’t sure she’d heard right. She put down her cup.

  “Two weddings?” she asked confused, had Red Wolf spoken to his father already? That seemed unlikely as it would have to be done formally. “Whose is the second in our family?”

  White Dove slowly and put down her coffee. Elizabeth started to look anxious. Troubled. White Dove now doubted her decision, but it was too late to back out now.

  Gently, she reached out to take Elizabeth’s hand.

  “Sky is to marry Red Wolf Elizabeth.”

  Elizabeth frowned and shook her head.

  “No, that cannot be true. Red Wolf is to talk to our father about us.” She whispered looking for White Dove to change the words just spoken.

  White Dove looked sadly at her and the truth dawned on her. He was marrying someone else. Pain assaulted her. ‘O dear god’ she thought. Starting to rock back and forth, she started to weep.

  “No that can’t be true, I saw him earlier, we were together, he would have told me. He told us he was going to our father. He was assskking for my hand.” She cried in despair. What had she done? Elizabeth in that moment understood exactly what he meant to her. Everything and it was gone.

  What she had given so freely, had started to have hope in, was gone, shattered. She started to cry uncontrollably. Such grief. The feeling of such a heavy loss. He was lost to her. There would be no changing this. They all knew that. And her rocking became more intense.

  Had a member of the tribe passed her at that moment, they would have thought she were in mourning. And Elizabeth was. Once declared, no marriage agreement could be changed. There would be no chance of a life with him now. He was lost to her forever.

  White Dove regretted the moment the words had left her mouth. She had no intension of causing Esa’s pain. She only sort to prepare and protect her. Her response told her all she needed to know. Red Wolf had made promises to her. Had loved her. Spent time with her. It was poorly done. For all of Esa’s knowledge of the world she was still, the small girl who doted on Red Wolf. Who believed everything he told her and why wouldn’t she? He had never lied to her.

  She removed one of the blankets and wrapped it around her and held Elizabeth for all she was worth. She spoke words of comfort, of home of family. Reassurances that she knew Esa wasn’t ready to hear.

  Carl moved forward unsure what was happening. He’d heard the words of Red Wolfs marriage and was surprised to hear it. Elizabeth’s reaction was devastating. She denied it possible with disbelief, then broke down. Her words telling him that she had expected him to marry her. Carl had expected that as well. This was a shock and it was clear Elizabeth wasn’t taking it well. He stayed close by them. Unsure how to help. Elizabeth cried and then silently sobbed for many hours. Her grief was hard to take.

  No one slept that night. In his own despair, Carl realised Elizabeth’s emotional outpouring earlier in the evening, may not have been because of him after all. As dawn broke, Elizabeth became silent and withdrew into herself.

  They both watched her. She would have to live with the knowledge of Red Wolf taking someone else as his wife, his lover, be the mother of his children. For the sake of her sanity, White Dove hoped she could make peace with it.

  For the next few days, Elizabeth barely left the tepee. It had been commented on by several of the tribe including Dull Knife. White Dove made up an excuse, saying she was not feeling well. She knew that it would not be long before Dull Knife sent the medicine man to look at her. She would have to be careful.

  Red Knife had cornered White Dove on hearing Elizabeth was unwell. He demanded to know what was wrong with her as he was unable to just walk in and see for himself. White Dove stuck to her story telling him that Elizabeth did not want to see him, while she was unwell.

  He had looked at her strangely then, but he accepted it. Carl, put aside his own despair and had become nurse maid, mother, father and brother overnight. He saw to Elizabeth’s every need. He brought water for her, he helped wash her, brought her food and made her coffee.

  He held her when she cried and White Dove wasn’t present. He wiped her face and helped her when she felt sick. Elizabeth did not leave her bed and refused much of what he offered her, but he kept trying and never left her side.

  On the fourth day, Carl made up his mind. Elizabeth needed to bath, eat and get out of the tepee. He got up early as was his routine.

  Saddled the horses and brought them over ready. He was going to make her get up. Elizabeth was still where he’d left her, in bed. He came to her and brushed the hair from her face and spoke.

  “Elizabeth, you must get up, Red Wolf is coming to pay a visit, unless you wish to see him, we need to leave now.” He lied to her. Elizabeth looked at him.

  “Coming here?” She repeated.

  “Yes. White Dove told them you were ill to give you time, but time has run out, he wants to check up on you himself. He has sort permission and it was granted.”

  Elizabeth looked at him. Her emotions all over the place. She would not see him. She wasn’t ready.

  Finally, when Carl thought he was wasting his time, Elizabeth moved. Slowly at first, deliberately. With his help she got to her feet. She was unsteady and a little giddy but he helped her walk outside. She walked to Patches and petted her. Laying her head on her neck. Grasping the horse’s mane in one hand, in one swift movement she mounted her horse and
waited for him.

  He was amazed by her. She sat so proud, you would never know how fragile she was. He mounted his horse and drew up alongside her.

  “Ready?” he asked. Elizabeth nodded. They rode out.

  Carl had packed the horses for several days. He had intended to get Elizabeth away for a while. He’d spoken of it to White Dove and she had agreed. She would tell Dull Knife that Carl had gone hunting and took Elizabeth for company to make her feel better.

  She’d also told him of the watering hole. Some 20 miles south of the village. It was good fishing and clean water. Carl headed in that direction.

  As Elizabeth and Carl put some distance between them and the village, White Dove was being cornered by Red Wolf.

  “How is Elizabeth today?” White Dove spoke the truth this time.

  “She’s much better, in fact she’s gone riding and hunting and will be back in a few days.” She told him.

  “Gone riding with who?” He demanded.

  “Carl.” Red Wolf grabbed her hand.

  “Why did you not tell me she was up and able to ride. That I could see her?” White Dove looked at her cousin. Was he so ignorant of the damage he’d done?

  “Have you not done enough?” She told him and walked away back to the tepee. More concerned than ever with Red Wolfs behaviour and Elizabeth’s reactions. Some distance between them was a very good idea.

  White Dove turned off at the last moment and entered her friends lodge. Within minutes, she sat stunned round the fire. There was great unrest. Red Wolf had rejected Grey Owls offer of his daughter. It had caused much upset within the village. It was a slight, against an elder and his family. It would not be taken kindly and many were questioning his right to lead them.

  White Dove struggled with that knowledge. Should she not have told Esa? Would it have been a kindness or a hindrance? She didn’t know. She hoped that in not telling her this, she may she’d have a chance with Carl.

  She felt in her heart, that maybe, it would be best for them all. Carl wanted her, that was clear to see and Elizabeth had a clear affection for him. Given time, White Dove felt the two of them could make it work. But, not if Red Wolf got between them. She was torn.

  ***

  The ride to the water hole, took most of the day. It had been a good idea, Carl congratulated himself. Elizabeth became more animated the further they got from the village. She would point out places along the route.

  By the time they arrived, they were both tired and Elizabeth after several comments from Carl, some not so subtle had to accept, he was right, she could do with a bath and something to eat. Carl saw to the horses and while Elizabeth went about her toilette.

  He found her fresh clothing from the packs, a cloth, soap, a brush and toothbrush.

  Elizabeth had looked at him confused. When had he thought to do all this? she wondered. She smiled wanly at him thanking him and walked in the direction of the watering hole downstream. Carl put water on for coffee and made something to eat. Elizabeth took her time. She tried to cut the images in her mind of the last time she had entered the water. It was not easy. But she got through it. She scrubbed herself clean.

  With each scrub determination set in. Suddenly aware that she had let herself down. She had let her pain determine who she was. She had never been that person. That was not who she was. With stronger resolve Elizabeth returned to their camp refreshed and had put on the western clothes Carl given her. ‘When did Carl do all this’? crossed her mind again.

  And realised that her mind hadn’t been clear for days. The smell of the food hit her, her stomach rumbling a reminded that she hadn’t eaten much in the last few days. She was hungry and ready for dinner. Carl had laid out their things around the fire and laid their bedding under the trees. Elizabeth propped herself up against the trunk and begun to brush out her hair.

  Carl watched her silently, he had never seen anything so lovely. With every stroke, he recalled the feel of her hair and her skin on his hands. Carls mouth became very dry. He looked away and made himself busy. She wasn’t for him. Waiting as long as he could, he took the dinner to her. They both ate in silence.

  It was a beautiful clear night. Elizabeth gazed up at the stars. When they were finished, Elizabeth rose and took the makings to the river to wash. Carl was happy just to watch her and be in her company. It was enough. Elizabeth returned and handed him the things. Carl stowed them away and Elizabeth made herself comfortable on her bed and looked out over the horizon and into the sky. They had not spoken.

  The beauty of the sky always left her speechless. She didn’t feel the need to fill the space with words. The Indians had a saying, that the earth mother had thrown the stars from her breast into the sky to give birth to the universe. It was simple and beautiful.

  Carl took his time and made himself busy. The camp became homelier. He had picked an area that had natural bushes on two sides with several trees and the river in front of them. He’d checked the bushes for animals, cleared away some of the deadwood on the floor and checked the horses, making sure they had feed and water, then walked back to pour more coffee for them both.

  As he handed her a cup. Elizabeth looked at him and smiled.

  “I haven’t thanked you for your help over the last couple of days, I’ve been a bit useless, a complete mess and I hate that, I’m sorry if I’ve been a silly girl, a burden to you.” Elizabeth told him humbly.

  Carl wanted to talk about the night they were together by the river, but couldn’t bring himself to mention it. Part of him feared her answer, should it be what he didn’t want to hear. He decided to stay on firmer ground.

  “It was my job mam, to look after you, Ben was very clear on that.” He smiled back.

  Elizabeth returned his smile. “I don’t think Ben had nurse maid in mind.” She replied sadly. “Or could he have known what would happen or my reaction to it, I hardly know myself if I’m honest.” Elizabeth looked very vulnerable and alone. Carl sat down beside her, leaned back against the tree and drank his coffee.

  Elizabeth put her head on his shoulder and they sat in silence. No more words needed.

  Carl got up from time to time, to pour or make more coffee and always brought some to her. He kept the fire going and checked on the horses from time to time. Nothing else stirred that night. They both found comfort in the silence of the night.

  Eventually, Elizabeth overcome with fatigue told him. “I’m going to turn in Carl.”

  He smiled at her and helped her into her bedroll. As he walked away to the other side of the fire, she called over to him.

  “Carl, would you bring your bed nearer, I don’t want to be alone.” Carl looked over at her.

  “You sure about that Elizabeth.” He asked her.

  “Yes.” She replied. Carl made to move his things nearer to her.

  “No Carl, I’d like you to put them here, next to me,” she told him. Carl looked at her. Unsure. Elizabeth was vulnerable, and he didn’t want to take advantage of her.

  Elizabeth could see he was troubled by it. “Please.” She urged him. Carl nodded and moved his bed over a little more. A little nervous, Carl walked back to the fire and banked it up, it wasn’t cold, but it gave him something to do.

  Eventually, with nothing left to avoid her with, he came back to his bedroll and settled himself on top of it, looking at the night sky.

  “I’m not sure this is proper Elizabeth.” He told her. Elizabeth was half asleep. Sleepily she turned to face him and simply told him.

  “Thank you.” Carl turned to her and watched her sleep for a very long time, before falling asleep himself.

  Carl woke in the night with an ache in his right arm. Sleepily he tried to move it and found that he couldn’t. He tried to stretch and failed. Carl breathed deeply and came more awake. He realised he couldn’t move because something was on him and that something was Elizabeth.

  Somehow, their bed rolls had become entwined and Elizabeth was half laying across him. Gently, he moved her off h
is arm and, in her sleep, Elizabeth moved closer and wrapped herself around him. Carl was unsure what to do. There was a little chill in the air and he had woken feeling the cold. He had thought to cover both of them but now, he was torn between doing the right thing and not disturbing her. Carl was certainly not feeling the cold now.

  He wondered how he would manage to do it. Slowly, he brought his now revived arm, up over his head and around to catch the corner of the blanket, as he did so, he brought the blanket around them and held her to him. In doing so, he had managed to cover them both with the blanket. Carl smiled to himself, ‘not bad’ he thought, as he went back to sleep.

  Elizabeth would wake in the morning alone. Carl had woken up a couple of hours earlier and found that Elizabeth wasn’t wrapped around him any longer. But that he, was wrapped around her. His face was in her hair and his arms around her body.

  Carl shook himself quickly, afraid of what her response would be. He focused on where he was and without moving, breathed in her scent. ‘God this feels so good’ he thought. To have such a woman. Silently, he unwrapped his body from her and got up before he woke her. Covering her with the blankets.

  He was still unsure how she would react to his closeness and did not want to upset her. He moved his bed roll away. He wanted to give her space. Time if that was what she needed. He was a patient man. He could wait if she was meant for him. Picking up his things, he headed to the stream to wash and fetch water for the horses.