Be What Love Is

by Malouff, Ellie

  “Yeah, you’re right,” she concedes.

  “Let me ask you this, do you want him to be your dad?”

  “Well, I don’t know. I mean, I don’t know much about him as a person yet.”

  “Let me ask that a different way, do you want to have a dad?”

  “When I was young, especially when we moved away from my grandfather, I used to daydream about having a dad. I used to imagine that we’d go to the beach together or do Donuts with Dad at school, and when I was scared at night, he could make me feel safe. Mostly, I used to pretend that he’d be around to make my mom happy. She was so sad for a long time after we moved and for some reason I thought that would help.”

  This woman amazes me. She’s selfless and uncommon. “You have a kind heart, Cara.”

  Her eyelashes flutter while she smiles at me.

  “I think to really answer your question, yes, I want to have a dad. I mean, the more family, the better, right? And if he has kids? That would be incredible,” she says and hugs herself a little.

  “And what about your mother? How will she feel about this?”

  Her face falls. “Angry. So far she’s refused to talk to me about him. She just says that it doesn’t matter, he’s not in the picture, and I think she blames my grandfather for that.”

  “Trevor? What did he do?”

  “I don’t know.” She starts to bite her thumbnail. “She said something to me last night about how the house has secrets and that I would regret being here.”

  “Secrets, huh? Well, I suppose we’ve already found out that she returned those letters to Trevor.”

  “Exactly,” she says bitterly.

  “Are you sure you want to jeopardize your relationship with her?”

  “I jeopardized our relationship the second I stepped foot in England. I could have followed her wishes and embraced her resentment as my own for the rest of my life or I can make my own choices. My choice was to come back to England and forgive him. And while finding my father may upset her, it’s my life, it’s my choice to find out, my choice to start a relationship.”

  “That’s very brave.”

  She huffs. “Yeah, well I’m not sure how brave I actually am. I have no idea how to ask Gavin if he’s my dad.”

  “Maybe you should start by telling him who you are and who your mother is. Feel it out, see how he reacts.”

  “Yeah, that’s a good idea,” she says and starts to get antsy. “Want to get back on the road?”

  “Sure,” I tell her, and we pedal east, back to Melville’s Cyclery.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Gavin

  Cara

  The little bell jingles when we return to the bike shop. Louisa isn’t at the desk, but neither is Gavin. Shit. I hope I didn’t miss my chance to talk to him. Thankfully, that worry evaporates when he walks in from the back. He’s changed from his bike gear to a pair of jeans and a black t-shirt that says Keep Calm and Cycle On.

  “Oh, hello. Have a jolly ride?” he asks.

  Reid urges me on to answer the question, which is good. I have to get the ball rolling somehow. “Yes, we did. It was splendid out there today.”

  “’Twas indeed. Are the bikes outside?”

  “Yes.”

  “Perfect. Let me get your deposit,” he says and goes to work on an old laptop that’s covered in witty bicycle stickers. “Lewis, right?”

  “Right,” Reid answers and nudges me with his elbow.

  My chance is fading away. I’ve got to speak up. “Are you Gavin Melville?” I ask, starting with the most basic thing I can think to ask.

  He looks up from counting bills. “That’s me. Well, and my father too. Do I know you?”

  That’s what I would like to know. “Maybe. I think you knew my mom, Laura Montgomery.”

  He pauses for a moment, his face completely blank, and I’m convinced this has all gone wrong. But when his face lights up in recognition, I’m delighted. He’s passed the first test.

  “Laura? From Wells?”

  “Yes,” I answer. My heart starts beating a million times a minute.

  “Oh, did I ever. Laura and I were good mates. You’re her daughter?”

  “Uh-huh.” I try to read his face, but there’s no spark of realization.

  “I should have figured. You look just like her. How is she?”

  “She’s good. She lives in California.”

  “California?”

  “Yes, you didn’t know?”

  “No. I haven’t spoken to Laura since we were in school together. She left during our last year there and then we lost touch. I went off to university soon after and got caught up in my studies. How did she end up in California?”

  “Well, it’s kind of a long story.”

  “Oh, I love long stories. Want to grab a pint next door and tell me all about it?”

  “Sure,” I answer, and my heart opens up to let him right in.

  He locks up the bike shop and leads us to the pub on the corner. It’s called King something or other and is unremarkable, a place locals would go. A man behind the bar greets Gavin by name, as do a couple other patrons. We find a cozy table off in the corner, and Gavin asks what we’d like to drink.

  “Smithwick’s, thank you,” Reid answers, and I say the same because I have honestly no idea what I’m doing at this point. Gavin goes off to the bar to fetch our pints, which gives us the opportunity to chat.

  “What do you think?” Reid asks.

  “I’m just happy he remembered her and that he liked her a lot. The timing is funny. Did he even know she was pregnant? That would explain a lot.”

  “No doubt,” Reid agrees.

  “I could totally see that happening. I bet when my grandparents found out my mom was pregnant they locked everything down. I’m honestly surprised I wasn’t put up for adoption.”

  “So maybe that’s what you should focus on, figure out if they were ever together and then the timing.”

  “Right, yes.”

  “And what do you think about him as a person?” he asks.

  “I think he’s pretty nice, don’t you?”

  “I do,” he replies just before Gavin returns with the beer, managing all three.

  Reid stands up to help him out.

  “Thanks, Gavin,” I say.

  “Of course. You know, I’m sorry, I don’t remember your name.”

  “Cara and this is Reid.”

  “That’s it. So I believe you were about to tell me a long story.”

  “Well.” I pause to take a sip. “Where should I start?”

  “The beginning is always good, love,” he says, and I smile at the endearment. “Why did she leave school?”

  “You’re looking at it,” I answer.

  “Laura was pregnant?” he asks and blinks rapidly.

  “Yes, she had me at eighteen.”

  His face falls into a serious frown. “I had no idea.”

  So it’s true, he didn’t know about me. It’s all coming together. Is that how my grandfather interfered? He kept Gavin away by keeping me a secret?

  “And so she moved to California?” he asks.

  “No, not for a while. I was born here and lived here until I was about seven when my grandmother died. That’s when we moved.”

  “Why did you move?”

  “Family issues,” I answer and glance at Reid, who doesn’t flinch.

  “With your father?” he asks, and I almost spit out beer.

  “No, with my grandfather.”

  “Oh,” he says and looks down at his drink for a while as he mulls over everything I told him. “I can’t believe she had a baby. I assumed she went abroad.”

  “Did you and my mom get along well?”

  “Oh yeah,” he says and brushes his brown curly hair back. “I think I fell for her the first day I met her. She was pretty, of course, but there was something else about her that was hard to put my finger on. She was determined and bright and so funny.”

  “Funny? Are you
sure you’re thinking of Laura Montgomery?”

  “Oh yes, she was hilarious, but she also had a serious side, and she could be so unbelievably righteous.”

  Ha! That’s the woman I know very well.

  Reid’s phone starts to ring. He pulls it from his pocket, and the display flashes Victoria. He stands up to take the call. “Excuse me,” he says and walks away, leaving Gavin and me alone. He crosses the pub and steps outside. I know I don’t have anything to worry about with Victoria, but I still don’t like it.

  “Everything all right?” Gavin asks, picking up on my annoyance. I want to tell him everything, my whole story and ask for fatherly advice. I want him to be skeptical of Reid, the way a father would because he believes it’s his duty. But I don’t know if he’s my dad, and at this point I barely know the man.

  “Tell me another story about her,” I request.

  My heart swells as he goes on to tell me a story about how they snuck off to London with their group of friends, who he also called The Hooligans, to see U2 at Wembley Stadium. “She was the ringleader,” he quips, and we have a good laugh.

  “I can’t even imagine.”

  “She was a big U2 fan.”

  “She still is.”

  “So how is she doing these days? Married and all that?”

  “No, she never married.”

  “Never?”

  “Never,” I answer and study his hands. Gavin isn’t wearing a wedding ring. Maybe he’s divorced.

  “That’s hard to believe. She was so lovely when I knew her.”

  I shrug my shoulders and know that I have the perfect opening. “Were the two of you ever together?”

  “Laura and I?” he asks.

  “Yeah.”

  “I guess you could say we were,” he says and smiles like he remembers a private joke.

  I take a deep breath and go further. “Like a couple?”

  “Oh, I’m not sure we put a label on it. The hooligans ran a bit wild, and while I was especially fond of Laura, we were never exclusive.”

  What the hell does that mean? “But you were together, romantically?”

  He looks me in the eye as if he’s catching onto my line of questioning and he turns serious. My heart is in my throat as I wait for him to say something. “Not in the way that you mean,” he answers and frowns.

  “Oh,” I reply. The weight of his words crush me, pressing me down into the booth.

  “Although I wished for that back then, so much. I kissed her a few times, but nothing more. We were terrific friends, but I think her heart was somewhere else. Fuck, I was so in love with her,” he says and gets a little teary eyed. I do too as I nod along and try my best to keep it together.

  Reid returns to the table and pauses when he sees the look on my face. He understands at once. A part of me wants to run out of the pub, but the other part wants to go back to pretending that Gavin’s my dad.

  I resist the urge to run. “So, Gavin, do you have a family?”

  “I have two kids, Louisa and Luke. They’re rambunctious. Their mum and I divorced a few years ago, but we all get along okay.”

  “Louisa seems great,” I tell him. Talking about his family does nothing to stop the tears from forming. Oh, how I wish she were my sister.

  “I heard you used to be a barrister. What kind of law did you practice?” Reid asks, and the men take it from there. I’m so relieved to have Reid on my side. He fills in the silence just the way I need him to. We finish our beers and have a friendly goodbye outside the pub.

  Gavin hugs me for a long time. When he lets me go, he says, “It was so nice to meet you. Please tell your mum hello for me and tell her I’d love to see her if she ever comes home.”

  “I will,” I reply and suddenly miss her so badly.

  “Come back any time. Your next ride is on me,” he says and waves as he goes up the street back to the shop.

  Reid and I head back to the car. I take a deep breath and let out a huge sigh when we get in.

  “I’m sorry, Cara.”

  “Me too.” I try to smile, but the disappointment is overwhelming. I feel like a little girl again, alone and wishing I had a dad to make everything all right.

  We head back to Wells in the twilight. When the tears start to trickle down my face, Reid takes my hand into his and holds it the whole way home.

  * * *

  It’s late, I’m tired, but I don’t want to go to bed yet, so that’s why I’m standing in front of the espresso machine in my nightgown, waiting for the shot glass to fill. The sound of the machine heating water is actually comforting to me. If I close my eyes, I can pretend I’m back at my old job, before I got the call from Mr. Leeds, before I came here, when things were simpler.

  I don’t regret finding Gavin, but the result hurts much more than I expected. And that’s the problem, no matter how hard I tried not to, I expected it all to work out. I was downright joyful in the pub, as I looked across the table at the man I thought created me. The fall from joy was hard and fast.

  “Espresso this late?” Reid asks from behind me.

  The man is in boxer briefs and nothing else. A rush of blood travels from my heart to the apex of my thighs at the sight of him. His hair is perfectly tousled, and he has a crooked, wicked grin on his face.

  I turn back to the machine and smile. Reid has a way of pulling me out of the deepest funk with his mere presence. “Do you want it?”

  “No thanks. I try to avoid caffeine at night.”

  “Wow, I never would have gotten through undergrad if that had been my philosophy.”

  “What’s the excuse these days?” he asks.

  “I don’t know, just not feeling ready for bed yet.”

  “Do you want some time to yourself?”

  “No, I’ve had enough of that. I’ve been properly wallowing down here for a while. Even ate some of the lemon cake out of the box with my fingers.”

  “Good for you.” He opens the box of lemon cake, pulls some out with his fingers, and stuffs it in his mouth. “Mmm…delicious.”

  “Manners are lost on you,” I joke, throwing his words back at him.

  “I learned this from you.” He takes another big chunk out of the box and takes a bite. Gooey lemon icing falls from his fingers onto his chest. I scrape it off with my finger and hold it out for him. He looks at it and then back up at me. Our eyes meet and stick there as he lowers his mouth to my finger, licks off the icing and sucks. Hard. My thighs press together, and a rush of hormones surge right down to my toes.

  We stare at one another and wait to see who will strike first. It’s Reid. He lifts me onto the cold marble countertop and goes for my mouth. He tastes like lemon cake and smells like espresso. He’s flat-out delicious. My legs wrap around his torso, and I pull him tightly against me. His hands roam all over my body, and I hold his head hard against mine as our kiss deepens.

  Everything about today has been intense, and I’m putting all of that emotion into the kiss. I want the distraction. I want to forget the disappointment, the loneliness, and our time with Gavin.

  But the distraction doesn’t stick. The disappointment seeps back in, and my heart grows heavy. I stop kissing him with as much fervor. My mind just won’t let me go.

  He pulls back and looks at me with concerned eyes as he cups my cheeks. “What’s wrong?”

  I shake my head and catch my lip between my teeth.

  He tilts his head and studies me. “Sweetheart,” he whispers, and my pulse picks up at his term of endearment.

  “It’s fine, Reid. I’m being silly.” I try to wave it off and kiss him again.

  This time, he pulls back. “It’s not fine, I can tell. Talk to me.”

  I hesitate as I put the words together in my mind. “The truth is, I really want to find my dad. I’ve never been this close to knowing and now that I am, I want to keep looking.”

  “Are you sure you want to do that?”

  “Of course I am, why wouldn’t I?”

  “B
ecause you could get hurt. Look at what happened today,” he points out.

  “Yeah, today hurt, but it was worth it.”

  “Worth it? How?” he asks and his nostrils flare.

  “Because if it had worked out, I’d have more family. I thought you of all people would understand that,” I reply, my voice going up an octave.

  He shakes his head and takes a couple steps back, leaving me alone on the countertop. His eyes shift to the floor, away from me.

  “With the loss of your parents, and now—”

  “Stop,” he says and holds his hand out. “I know what you mean.”

  “How can you not see where I’m coming from?” I ask and slide down off the counter.

  He meets my eyes finally and grips his hip. “Because you let yourself love Gavin for about ten minutes and then he was ripped away from you. I saw the pain in your eyes when I returned to the table. I know what it meant to you, and I know what you felt when it was gone. Why should anyone subject themselves to that kind of misery?”

  “Because of the ten minutes!” I shout and throw my hands into the air. “It may not have worked out, but those ten minutes were pretty great.”

  “Come on, Cara. If you could go back and erase today’s heartache, you would.”

  I’m disgusted. “Would you? Would you erase your time with Trevor and Anna so that you didn’t have to feel this pain?”

  He doesn’t answer.

  “They were such crucial figures in your life. They were your lifeline when you needed one most, and you gave them love back. I’m sure they cherished that love, just like you did.”

  “No. I wouldn’t take it back,” he barks. “But I get a fresh start here. I'm going to avoid pain as much as possible.”

  “And deny yourself the pleasure? The joy? The love?”

  “I suppose so,” he says and backs away from me.

  “Then why me? What is it that we’re doing here?” I ask him with a new trembling edge to my voice.

  He shakes his head as if he doesn’t like the truth.