Love Me Like You Won't Let Go

by Toppen, Melissa

  I follow suit, picking up my burger before taking a big bite, practically moaning the instant the juicy goodness hits my tongue. I rarely ever eat fried foods, but when I get stressed or upset about something, I have no problem indulging. And right now is definitely one of those times. Of course I’ll have to run twice as long on my morning jog tomorrow to burn off the calories, but it’s totally worth it in the moment.

  Tyler and I make small talk while we finish our food, and by the time he packs up and kisses me goodbye nearly a half an hour later, I feel a million times better than I did when he walked in.

  Knowing I need to get my orders finalized before it gets too late, I tell him I’ll see him at home later before closing up shop, and heading back into the office.

  Sliding down into the chair, I slowly pull open the desk drawer and take out the photo I shoved in there when Tyler arrived. Flipping it over in my hands, my stomach knots when my eyes land on Asher’s face again. A face I still remember every single detail of. A face I still see in my dreams some nights. A face I don’t think I’ll ever forget.

  I run my finger along the side of the picture and close my eyes. If I focus hard enough I can still hear the sound of his voice. I can still remember his touch. How it felt when he kissed me. I remember every single detail. And that is my curse. Because I don’t want to remember. Remembering hurts. Remembering reminds me of what I lost. What I’ve struggled for years to get over.

  I open my eyes and give myself one more long moment to study the picture before leaning to the side and dropping it into the trashcan, where I should have put it a long time ago. I don’t know why I’ve continued to torture myself with memories of Asher. It’s like even after all this time a part of me is still holding on. But that has to stop now. In just six short weeks I will become Mrs. Davenport and my future will be with Tyler. Asher is my past. It’s about time I left him there for good.

  Chapter Three

  Asher

  The early morning breeze coming in off the North Atlantic Ocean dances across my face. I close my eyes and inhale the smell of sand and salt in the air. I’m going to miss Iceland. Out of all the places I’ve been over the past few years, this has to be one of my favorites. It’s so beautiful here. So peaceful. Which is why I extended my stay by nearly nine months. But now it’s time to move on.

  I’ve spent the better part of six years bouncing all over the world. I’ve hiked the Queen Charlotte Track in New Zealand. I’ve gone diving in the Great Barrier Reef. I’ve seen Salar De Uyuni in Bolivia and visited Easter Island in Chile. I’ve been to thirty-three different countries in my travels, each one taking me further from my home, yet making me feel closer to it at the same time.

  I took my dad’s list—the one he made when he was only two years younger than I am now. It listed out every place he wanted to see, every country he wanted to explore, and I have visited every single place on that list. I’ve met the people, walked the lands, eaten the food, and experienced various different things that each culture has to offer. In some weird way I feel like he’s been here with me every single step of the way.

  I’d never planned to be gone so long. When I left the states I thought I’d be gone a few months at most. I’d check a few places off my father’s list and go back home. But once I started, I couldn’t stop. I found something in every place I visited. A piece of myself I hadn’t realized I was looking for.

  “Hey, Asher, your car’s here.” I turn toward the sliding glass doors that open up to the balcony, Viktor standing just on the other side. He’s one of the many friends I’ve made along the way.

  I’ve been renting his spare room for the last few months. It’s cheaper than staying in hotels and a lot less lonely. Though most times I find that I prefer to be alone.

  “Thanks, man.” I nod, turning back to the incredible view. I let my eyes sweep across the water one last time before leaning over and snagging my bag off the ground.

  It’s the same duffel bag I left home with over six years ago. It’s one of the only things that I brought from Tomlin with me that I still have. Well, that and the letter from Blakely I found stuffed into the side pocket of my bag hours after I had boarded that first train.

  It’s wrinkled and faded, and most of the words are no longer legible, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to throw it away. It doesn’t matter that I can’t make out what it says anymore, I know every word by heart.

  “I’ve gotta admit, I’m going to miss having you around.” Viktor follows me to the front door before pulling it open and stepping off to the side.

  “I’ll come back and visit,” I tell him.

  “Yeah right.” He lets out a deep chuckle, his long hair moving against his shoulders as he shakes his head. “You’re going to get home to that girl of yours and never look back.”

  My stomach twists at the thought of seeing Blakely again. It’s been so long. So much can change in six years. Maybe she’s changed. I know I have. And honestly, at this point she may have already moved on. Met someone new...or maybe she won’t want to have anything to do with me. Not that I could blame her.

  “Thanks for everything,” I tell him, offering him my hand.

  “Anytime.” He gives it a firm shake. “Now, get the hell out of my house. Geez, don’t you know when you’ve overstayed your welcome,” he jokes, shooing me out the front door.

  “Always the asshole,” I joke, throwing up one last wave before heading down the stairs to the waiting car below.

  ——

  It’s just after ten in the evening by the time I arrive in Tomlin. I’ve been travelling for nearly two days, taking four flights with multiple layovers before finally arriving in Huntington just under an hour ago.

  It feels weird being back here. Everything looks the same, yet so different at the same time. There’s all the familiar places. Hal’s diner, Whitman’s Pharmacy, the old movie theater, and of course, Florence’s Flower Shop. My chest tightens as I watch the shop front pass through the window of the cab, my mind going back to all the times I went there after school with Blakely and how many countless hours we’d spent together cutting flowers and unloading delivery trucks.

  There are a lot of new businesses as well. A coffee shop on the corner of Main Street. A new book store. And there’s even a Subway restaurant, which I never thought I’d see here in a million years. Tomlin is the epitome of a small town and as such we don’t get many ‘chain’ restaurants or stores in the area.

  The streets are nearly vacant and almost every shop is closed or in the process of closing. I forgot how much of a ghost town this place becomes after dark. Such a big difference from what I’ve become accustomed to.

  The cab driver slows as he pulls to a stop in front of the only motel in town – Tomlin Suites. It’s not much in the way of luxury, but given my limited options it will have to do.

  Truthfully, I have no idea how long I’ll even be here for. I may have come back for Blakely, but that doesn’t mean she’ll welcome me home with open arms. I left for six years without so much as a word. I wish I could say I did it for her. That her letter made me realize I needed to let her go – and in a way it did – but ultimately, I think I did it for myself. I knew that talking to her would only make me want to go running back to her and I didn’t want the temptation. I didn’t want to end up back here having accomplished nothing. I knew, even at only eighteen, that I would end up resenting her, and this town, if I didn’t see my travels through and I couldn’t have that.

  Blakely is everything that is good in this world. Pure and beautiful. I never wanted to look at her and have that beauty be tainted by my decisions. I always knew I’d come back one day, I just didn’t know when that day would come.

  I hadn’t been planning to return yet, but less than a week ago, after visiting this incredible waterfall in Iceland, I decided it was time. I knew at that moment, as I watched the water plummet over the cliff and down to the ground below that it was finally time. That same night I had a very v
ivid dream about Blakely, which further solidified my decision that the moment was right to come home.

  We were in her parent’s backyard and I was pushing her on the old wood swing like I used to do when we were younger. She’d leaned her head back and laughed. The sound had vibrated through me and woke me from a dead sleep. The second my eyes opened I had the overwhelming urge to hold her, to feel her pressed against me the way I had countless times before.

  Six years may have changed a lot, but it has not lessened the love I have for Blakely. She wasn’t just the first girl I loved. She’s also been my best friend since I was a little kid...or at least she was. Depending on how this reunion goes that may not be the case anymore.

  I’m sure I hurt her and the thought makes me sick to my stomach, but I did what I felt was right at the time. I can’t take back the choices I made but I can show her that this time I’m here to stay.

  As soon as the cab pulls to a stop I hop out, taking a deep breath. It smells exactly as I remember. Like wild flowers and cut grass. I may have seen some of the most beautiful places on this planet, but there something to be said about a small town like Tomlin.

  Handing the driver money through the open window, I throw my duffle over my shoulder and take off up the sidewalk toward the motel entrance. It’s been a long couple of days and I’m in desperate need of a hot shower and a warm bed.

  Making my way inside, I pause a few feet from the front desk when I spot the girl working behind the counter. Mary Hughes. I’d recognize those red curls and freckles anywhere. She was one of Blakely’s closest friends in school.

  I consider turning around and leaving, but quickly decide against it. I’m back, and in a town as small as this one it’s only a matter of time before I run into someone who knows me and news starts to spread. It just means I’ll need to go see Blakely sooner rather than later. I’d rather her receive the news of my return from me and not hear it through the small town gossip wheel.

  I don’t even know where she lives these days, but I know exactly where I can go to find out. Florence’s.

  “Asher?” The sound of my name snaps me out of my thoughts and I look up, realizing that I’m still standing in the same spot I’d stopped in several seconds ago.

  “Mary, is that you?” I give her a warm smile as I approach the desk.

  “Oh my goodness. I didn’t know you were back in town.” She tucks a wild curl behind her ear and smiles sweetly at me. “What’s it been?”

  “Six years,” I answer before she can guess. “And I just got back about two minutes ago,” I inform her, dropping my bag on the ground at my feet.

  “Six years. Wow. It doesn’t seem like it’s been that long.” She shakes her head slowly. “Are you going to be staying for a while? You know the summer festival is this weekend,” she rambles excitedly.

  “Is it?” I question, having not even remembered the festival until she mentioned it. When I was a kid it was something I looked forward to every year, but it’s another thing I left behind when I walked away six years ago. “I’m not sure how long I’ll be here for. But I’d like to rent out a room for at least the next few days. Can you put me on a running reservation for the time being?”

  “I sure can.” She smiles, turning her big green eyes to the computer screen in front of her.

  She makes small talk as she registers my information and takes my credit card. She’s careful not to mention Blakely and I get the feeling that’s intentional. I can’t imagine that B had many nice things to say about me after I left the way I did. For all I know, every single person in this town thinks I’m a piece of shit for leaving. And while no one will likely say it to my face, I’m sure they’ll all be thinking it when they learn I’m back.

  I let out a slow breath, the doubt I’ve been battling over the last few days starting to creep back in.

  “Okay, you’re all set.” Mary snaps me from my fog, extending my room key and credit card back across the counter to me. “If you need anything just call the front desk. Breakfast is served from six to nine in the morning.”

  “Perfect. Thanks, Mary.” I hold up my room key and give her a nod before snatching my bag off the floor and quickly heading back outside.

  I round the building, looking for room fifteen which I locate on the far side next to the outdoor pool. Sweat beads at my forehead as I stick the key into the door. I forgot how damn hot it gets here in the summer.

  After fighting with the lock for a few seconds, I finally manage to get the door open before pushing my way inside. I drop my wallet and key on the table and my bag on the chair in the corner before kicking off my shoes.

  I don’t even bother turning on the lights before I collapse on top of the thick comforter, my face pointed up toward the dark ceiling. I blink once, then twice, before letting my eyes flutter closed.

  Chapter Four

  Blakely

  “Tell me you love me, B,” Asher whispers in my ear as he pulls the swing to a stop, his chest pressed firmly to my back.

  “You know I love you.” I smile at the feeling of his breath on the side of my neck.

  “Tell me how much.” He presses a light kiss right below my ear causing my skin to prickle.

  “More than the stars and the moon.” I lean back even further into his touch.

  “Like you won’t let go?”

  It’s what I asked of him the first time we kissed. To love me like he wouldn’t let go. In a time when everything was so unsure, it was the only thing we could give each other.

  “I won’t ever let you go,” I say, so sure of the words I’m saying that I don’t even have to think about them.

  “No matter what happens?”

  “No matter what.” I turn my face inward to look at him. “Why are you asking me something you already know?”

  “Because I need to be sure,” he tells me, releasing the ropes of the swing so that I pivot forward. I drag my feet along the ground as I swing back, stopping myself from moving away again.

  “Is everything okay?” I turn so that I can get a good look at him.

  “Everything’s fine.” He smiles, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes.

  “Are you sure?”

  “A lot has happened recently. I just needed to hear you say it.”

  “I’ll say it a million times over if that’s what you need to hear. You aren’t going to lose me, Asher. No matter what happens, I will always be yours.”

  “One day I’m going to remind you that you said that.”

  “You won’t need to, because it won’t ever not be true.”

  “I hope you’re right.” He blows out a small breath, once again grabbing the ropes of the swing. He pulls me backward far enough that I can no longer reach the ground and with one hard push, he lets me go.

  My eyes shoot open and I blink into the dark room, my heart pounding violently against my ribs.

  Dreams are one thing. And I’ve had my fair share of Asher dreams over the years. But this wasn’t just a dream, it was a memory. That day stands out so brightly among a lot of others. It was the day before Asher told me he was leaving. It was the last day before my veil of happiness was ripped away. The last day that the world felt okay, even when it didn’t.

  I roll to my side and tuck my hand under my cheek, feeling Tyler stir next to me before his steady breathing once again fills the space.

  I close my eyes, willing myself to go back to sleep. I don’t want to think about that day. Even though it’s been six years I still mourn the loss of Asher. But he’s not the only thing I lost that day. I lost a piece of myself right along with him.

  I changed the day Asher left. Something inside of me shifted. I was no longer able to hide in his arms and pretend that the rest of the world didn’t exist. Instead I was forced to face it all head on, without him.

  My chest tightens and emotion stings the back of my throat, but I do my best to push it down. I can’t go back there. Not now, not ever again.

  It must have been the picture. S
eeing Asher, seeing us so happy together, brought up some very raw feelings that I still don’t think I’ve fully dealt with.

  I squeeze my eyes tighter, trying to think of anything else, but it seems that once the flood gates are open there’s no stopping the water from pouring in. And boy does it ever. Memory after memory hits me in waves, making me feel restless and uneasy.

  I toss and turn, trying to get comfortable, trying to get my stupid brain to think about anything else. Anything but my first love.

  “You okay, babe?” Tyler grumbles next to me, rolling to his side to face me.

  “Bad dream,” I whisper. “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

  “You wanna tell me about it?” he asks, not once opening his eyes.

  “No, it’s okay. Go back to sleep.”

  “Come here.” His arm snakes around my waist seconds before he tugs me toward him.

  I snuggle my face into his chest and let out a slow breath, instantly relaxing into his embrace. His lips brushing against my forehead is the last thing I remember before sleep finally takes me under once again.

  ——

  “Okay, just put those there,” I direct my dad who’s been helping me prepare our float for the parade later this morning.

  The Tomlin Summer Festival is the biggest event the town does every year. It starts off with a parade, where many local businesses, as well as local fire and law enforcement, decorate elaborate floats and throw candy and treats to all the little kids that gather down the sides of the street. Once the parade is over, everyone gathers at Tomlin Park, right on the edge of town, where there’s food, live music, games, and even fireworks once the sun sets.

  “I think that just about does it,” I say, stepping back to take a look at the final touches.

  My dad comes to stand next to me, his arm dropping around my shoulder. Because of our height difference, he has to bend his knees slightly to do so.