Love Me Like You Won't Let Go

by Toppen, Melissa

  “I’m sorry,” I blubber. “I don’t know what got into me.” I turn, heading for the row of chairs that line the back wall of the dressing area.

  Allie follows, taking the seat next to me as I sit.

  “I think it’s a combination of everything. The accident. All the last minute wedding stuff. I think I’m just overwhelmed.” I sigh.

  “Would it help if I told you that it’s completely normal to feel overwhelmed the week of your wedding?” She offers me a reassuring smile.

  “Not really.” I laugh, more tears streaking down my face.

  “Are you sure that’s all it is though?” she asks, reaching over to take my hand in hers. “Because you know you can tell me anything, right?”

  “I know.” I sniff.

  “I know I’m not always the most consistent friend but I’m here now.”

  “You’re a great friend,” I tell her. “You have your own life to worry about. You can’t be worrying about mine all the time. But I’ve been an awful friend to you. I’ve been so out of sorts that I haven’t even asked you how you’re doing since you and Dean split,” I say, realizing we’ve barely spoken about it since it happened last week.

  To be fair, it was the day of the accident and things were pretty crazy for a few days, but that’s still no excuse.

  “I’m fine. Better than fine actually. I mean, I really liked him. Okay, more than liked him,” she admits when I give her a look that tells her I know better. “But I think it was for the best. He clearly wasn’t over his ex-girlfriend, no matter how much he insisted he was. And I’m not the type of girl that does well playing second fiddle.”

  “You shouldn’t have to.”

  “I know. And I’m okay with it. Really, I am. My guy will come along one day. And when he does, I’ll be ready.” She grins, squeezing my hand one more time before releasing it. “Now tell me what’s really going on with you.”

  “Nothing.” I answer too quickly.

  “Blakely Harris, I’ve known you since the seventh grade. If you think I can’t tell when you’re lying then you are sorely mistaken.”

  “It’s just wedding jitters. I didn’t think I’d be so anxious leading up to the big day,” I lie.

  “You sure about that?” She cocks a brow.

  “I am.”

  “And Asher has nothing to do with the meltdown you just had?”

  “I told you, Asher and I have decided to go our separate ways. It’s best for everyone involved.”

  “Just because you think it’s best for everyone involved doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. That couldn’t have been easy, telling him goodbye.”

  “No, it wasn’t.” My mind flashes back to the kiss – the one that has haunted me since the moment it happened. The one that I can’t stop thinking about. “But I’m okay. More than okay. I’m getting married.” I force a smile even though doing so makes me feel like I’m dying a little on the inside.

  “I know I’ve jumped the fence a few times on this topic. Hell, I think I’ve been more up and down than you have over the whole Asher thing. But I have to ask... Are you sure this is what you want? To marry Tyler. Are you really sure?”

  “I am.” I try my best to sound confident.

  The truth is, I do want to marry Tyler. I know what an amazing man he is and I have no doubt that he will be an equally amazing husband. But try as I may, I can’t get my heart there. It’s like the moment Asher kissed me he pushed out all traces of anyone else.

  I’m sure this is just the effects of saying goodbye. Letting go always feels impossible, but sometimes necessary. And in this case it definitely was.

  A part of me will always love Asher. But it’s time I start looking ahead instead of behind.

  “Okay then.” Allie accepts my response, though I can tell by her eyes that she doesn’t fully buy it. “What do you say we get you out of this dress and get the hell out of here? Mary’s meeting us at Divante’s at six. I don’t know about you, but a good, stiff drink sounds pretty damn perfect right about now.”

  “That it does,” I agree, feeling like maybe an evening out with the girls is exactly what I need to snap me out of my funk.

  Tyler and I chose not to have Bachelor/Bachelorette parties, but Mary and Allison were not hearing it. We compromised with a low key girls’ night out. Just the three of us.

  “Come on, bride to be, let’s go get you drunk.” She stands, smiling as she pulls me to my feet.

  Chapter Twenty-six

  Blakely

  “Hey.” I step into the bedroom, swaying slightly as I do.

  Tyler looks up from the book he’s reading in bed, taking in my inebriated state.

  “Hey. I take it girls’ night went good?”

  “Define good,” I slur, managing to kick my sandals off without falling flat on my face.

  I didn’t feel that drunk at the bar, but when I climbed into the back of the Uber with Mary and Allie it hit me all at once.

  I’m working at pulling my shirt off, but the strap gets tangled on the end of my cast and I immediately get frustrated.

  “I can’t do anything with this stupid thing on,” I groan, falling still when Tyler suddenly appears in front of me.

  “Here. Let me help you.” He grins, clearly amused as he works the strap of my tank top off my cast and tosses the thin garment onto the floor. “There. All better.” He leans forward and kisses my bare shoulder. “Three more days.” He pulls back, tucking a thick chunk of hair behind my ear.

  “Huh?” I question, too intoxicated to wrap my head around what he’s saying.

  “Three days and you’ll be my wife,” he clarifies, his fingers sliding gently down my arm.

  “Three days,” I repeat.

  “Well don’t seem too excited.” He chuckles, clearly chalking it up to my alcohol riddled brain.

  “I am excited.” I step out of his touch, turning toward the bathroom when a sudden wave of nausea washes over me.

  I barely make it to the toilet before every ounce of liquor I put in my body over the course of the last five hours comes pouring out of me in violent heaves.

  I feel Tyler’s presence but I don’t look in his direction. I keep my eyes closed, willing my stomach to settle. After several long minutes it finally does.

  Sliding to the floor, I rest my head against the cool tile as I curl into a ball next to the toilet. It isn’t long before Tyler takes a seat next to me, his warm hand sliding along my bare back.

  “You okay?” he asks gently, his fingers trailing lightly along my bra strap.

  “Asher kissed me,” I blurt, feeling another wave a nausea run through me. This time having nothing to do with the alcohol.

  His hand stops mid-motion and I feel him go stiff behind me.

  I hadn’t meant to admit that to him. Hell, I had planned on keeping it to myself for the rest of my life, deciding that it would do more harm than good. What was the point in hurting him when the kiss didn’t change anything? At least that’s what I keep trying to convince myself of.

  “What do you mean he kissed you?” Tyler asks after several long agonizing seconds.

  “Or maybe I kissed him,” I say, the words pouring out of me almost as violently as the alcohol did moments earlier.

  I push up into a sitting position, pulling my knees to my chest as I angle myself toward Tyler.

  “The point is, we kissed.” I swallow hard, my throat dry and irritated.

  “You kissed?” he questions, hurt and confusion clear on his face.

  “The other day when I went to talk to him.”

  “So you’re telling me that when you went to tell him you couldn’t be in his life, that somehow morphed into you two kissing?” He stares at me in disbelief.

  “It’s not like that.” I shake my head, the action causing the room to spin slightly.

  “Then explain to me what it’s like, Blakely, because right now I’m having a really hard time understanding what you’re saying.”

  “I did what I said. I
told him we couldn’t be in each other’s lives. But when I tried to leave, he kissed me, and I let him. No, I kissed him back.” I push forward, the buzz running through my veins making the consequences of what I’m admitting seem so much less serious than I know they are.

  “You kissed him back,” he repeats slowly.

  “I did.” My chin trembles at my admission.

  “And you’re just telling me this why?”

  “Because I didn’t want to hurt you.”

  “That’s not how this works, Blakely. You can’t choose what to tell me and what not to tell me. You kissed your ex-boyfriend for fuck’s sake. You don’t think that’s something I deserve to know?” He quickly pushes to his feet and exits the bathroom, leaving me scrambling to get up and go after him.

  “Tyler,” I start, catching sight of him seconds before he disappears inside the closet.

  He reemerges seconds later, pulling a t-shirt on over his bare torso.

  “Were you ever going to tell me or are you only telling me now because you’re drunk?”

  “I was going to tell you. I think.” The room spins and I have to grip the edge of the bed post to keep myself upright. “I mean, I was going to tell you.”

  “When? After we were already married?”

  “No.” I shake my head. “I just didn’t know how. But you deserve to know. I can’t marry you with this lie hanging over me.”

  “I wasn’t aware you still wanted to marry me. Usually women who want to get married aren’t out frolicking around with their exes. But hey, what the hell do I know, right?” He throws his hands up in frustration.

  “Of course I still want to marry you,” I insist. “It didn’t mean anything. It just happened.”

  “Says every cheater ever.”

  “I’m not a cheater,” I balk at his comment.

  “No? ’Cause I’m pretty sure kissing another man when you’re engaged to someone else qualifies as cheating.”

  “But it was just a kiss,” I argue, my drunken state making this conversation a billion times worse because I can’t seem to grasp the right words I want to say.

  “Just a kiss.” He lets out a menacing laugh. “What a crock of shit.”

  “I swear, Tyler. It just happened and it won’t ever happen again. It’s over. I told him so.”

  “You know what, I’ve been really patient with you.” He points his finger at me. “You left my fundraiser to take care of him when he had too much to drink and didn’t come home until the next morning. What did I do? I trusted what you were telling me was true and I let it go. I get a call saying my fiancé has been in a car accident and I show up to find him in your room. Not only that, but I find out that you were in the car with him when the accident happened. That revelation opened a whole other door where I found out you’ve hung out with him not once but twice while I was out of town on business. And what did I do? I trusted you and I believed you when you said you weren’t in love with him anymore. At that point, most sane men would have run for the hills, but not me. Nope. Instead I stuck around and let you continue to mock me.”

  “I’m not mocking you. And you’re right. You’ve been patient with me. More patient than I deserve. I don’t deny that I’ve made mistakes, and I’ve kept things from you that I shouldn’t have, but I swear to you, Tyler, I swear to you that you know everything now.”

  “And knowing everything means I should just forgive you?”

  “No, of course not. But I’m here. I’m here with you. Not there with him. I’m here telling you I’m sorry and that I love you.”

  “Do you even want to be my wife? Tell me now, Blakely. Because from where I’m standing, you’re doing one hell of a job sabotaging our relationship and for the life of me I can’t figure out why.”

  “I do want to be your wife. Which is why I’m telling you the truth. Because I love you and you deserve to know everything before you decide if you want to marry me. Which I will understand if you don’t.”

  “Are you kidding me? Do you think I’d still be here if I didn’t want to marry you? What more do I have to do to show you that you mean everything to me?” His shoulders sag forward and some of his anger fades.

  “I’m sorry I hurt you. And I’m sorry I kept this from you.”

  “Is it over? You and Asher. Can you honestly look me in the eye right now and promise me that it’s over?”

  “I swear it.” I close the distance between us, steadying myself by gripping his forearm with my right hand. “I want to marry you, Tyler. I want to walk down that aisle on Saturday and officially become Mrs. Davenport with all of our friends and family watching. I want to start a life with you. Have children with you. Build a future with you. I want all of those things...with you. And only you.”

  “I can’t compete with the history you two share.” He blows out a breath.

  “You don’t have to.”

  “I can’t do this with you if I don’t know that you’re one hundred percent.”

  “I’m one hundred percent. I’m all in.” I take his face in my hands. “I’m all in.”

  Tyler wraps his arms around my shoulders and pulls me to his chest. I feel his face in my hair moments later.

  “God help me, Blakely. I am powerless when it comes to you.”

  I don’t have it in me to respond. The truth is, I’m trying to figure out if I meant a word of what I just said or if I said it simply because I felt like I had to.

  I wasn’t lying when I said I loved him. I do. I’d have to be a fool not to. He’s patient and kind. Handsome and loyal. He makes me laugh. He understands my quirks, and instead of getting frustrated by them, he finds them endearing. He’s seriously the perfect man.

  So why do I feel like at any moment the Earth is going to open up and swallow me whole? Why do I feel like I’m seconds away from bursting into tears instead of wanting to do a happy dance around the room the way I should want to?

  The knot that has plagued my stomach for days grows substantially over the course of the next several hours. Long after Tyler is asleep. Long after the buzz of the alcohol has faded away. The knot continues to expand, filling every crevice of my body until I feel like I might explode from the inside out.

  Chapter Twenty-seven

  Asher

  “I thought I might find you here.” I look to my right just as Allison slips into the bar stool next to me.

  “You were looking for me?” I question, lifting the rocks glass to my lips, figuring this must be bad news if Allie is the one coming to deliver it.

  Considering her and I have never really been more than acquaintances, I can’t think of any other reason why she’d be here. Though I also can’t think of one thing that she could say to me that Blakely didn’t already say, so who really knows. Maybe she’s come to bitch me out for being a jackass, which I can’t deny I probably deserve.

  “Vodka and cranberry please,” she tells the bartender who approaches seconds after she takes a seat. With a nod, the older man turns, busying himself with making her drink.

  “So this is where you’ve decided to hide out, huh?” She keeps her gaze forward.

  “I’m not hiding out.”

  “No?” She smiles at the bartender when he slides her drink in front of her, taking a long sip before her gaze comes to mine. “Mary and I took Blakely out on Wednesday. You know, one last hurrah before she ties the knot.”

  My throat tightens and I swallow hard, giving a stiff nod instead of saying anything.

  After what happened with Blakely in my hotel room the other day, I’ve been laying low. I thought that’s what she needed. I thought maybe if I took a step back and gave her a little space she would eventually come to her senses. But here I am, the day before she’s supposed to marry another man, and I haven’t heard a single word out of her.

  Of course that hasn’t stopped me from picking up the phone to call her about a hundred times before talking myself out of it. Which is how I found myself here – hoping the whiskey might fill the hollow
feeling inside my chest.

  “She was in quite a state,” she continues when I don’t respond. “Of course she denied it having anything to do with you, but I know better than that.”

  “So that’s why you’re here?” I cock a brow.

  “Look, I don’t expect you to tell me what happened. But it’s obvious something did. Something that has thrown my best friend into a downward spiral that she refuses to acknowledge. What I need to know is what you plan to do about it.”

  “What I plan to do?”

  “You still love her,” she states matter of fact. “And she still loves you. That much is staggeringly obvious. I can’t help but feel like she’s going into this marriage with Tyler because she feels obligated to, not because she wants to.”

  “She’s a grown woman. She can decide what she wants for herself. If what she wants is to marry a man who will never make her happy, then that’s her choice. I’m done trying to force her hand.” I finish off my fourth drink before signaling the bartender for a refill.

  “That’s just it; I think Tyler can make her happy. I just don’t think he’s who she truly wants. If she goes through with this tomorrow I think she’ll regret it for the rest of her life.”

  “Why are you telling me this and not her?”

  “Because she’s so mixed up. It’s like she can’t see what’s right in front of her face. I can’t snap my fingers and make her see a truth she’s so hell bent on denying. All I can do is be there for her.”

  “Look, I’ve tried. I’ve been trying, but she’s made it very clear what she plans to do. At this point I think it’s time to salvage what little pride I have left and admit defeat.”

  “You’re just going to give up? That doesn’t sound like the Asher Evans I know.”

  “She doesn’t want me,” I clip, frustration apparent in my tone.

  “Yes, she does. And I know you know she does. Giving up now is only going to ensure you both end up miserable. Don’t you want more than that?”