by D. K Lake
It feels wrong to even laugh. This is so awkward.
We stand opposite each other, avoiding each other’s eyes. Neither one of us knows what to do or how to act. I mean, we're not together. Do we kiss goodbye?
"Would it be all right if I kiss you goodbye?" he asks, sensing my thoughts.
I nod in response and he leans down and brushes his lips over mine, but after the night we've had, I don't want a soft kiss goodbye. No one knows what tomorrow will bring. If anything was to happen, I don't want our last kiss to be some chaste peck on the lips. So, when he goes to pull away, I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him back to me. I give him a proper kiss goodbye. One he will remember.
"Wow," he breathes against my lips, his nose touching mine.
"Sorry, I couldn't help myself."
"Don't apologize."
"I just wanted a goodbye kiss to remember."
"Well, that was some kiss." he says and then frowns. "Goodbye kiss?"
"Just until I get back," I tell him to put him at ease.
"P…what does this mean...for us?" He looks me in the eyes.
"I don't know. I like kissing you. And I like what we did earlier, but I don't know what it means. Maybe we can just see where this goes?"
"As long as we're both headed in the same direction."
"I just need some time to get my head around all this, but I want to see you next week when I get back. We can hang out again,"
"Hang out? You mean, like, watching Netflix in your bed? Or hang out as in watch Netflix naked in your bed?"
"Stop it," I chuckle softly, and then remember Mitchel is in the hospital and I feel bad for feeling happy with everything else going on. "We'll just see how the week goes. Mitchel might need you."
Dario sighs. "Yeah, I get the feeling I'm going to have to take care of the funeral arrangements for Willa."
"I'm sorry. I feel like I should be here to help you with everything."
"No, this isn't your problem. You should go and see your mom. Ring me tonight, if you want?"
He cups my face in his hands and kisses me again, long and slow, another kiss to remember, and then leans in to whisper in my ear. "I love you."
I don't say it back. I can't, not yet. It's not that I don't love him or that I don't trust him, I just need a little more time to get used to this arrangement. I don't even know what we are. Are we friends with benefits? Fuck buddies? Ugh. I hate that phrase.
"Bye, Rio," I reach up on my tiptoes and hug him tightly one more time.
"I'm not saying goodbye," he says when we break apart. "I don't like goodbyes. The last time I said goodbye to you was at the motel and then I didn't hear from you."
"I'm only going for the weekend. I am coming back." I assure.
"I know. I just don’t like watching you leave and saying goodbye makes it worse."
"Fine. I'll see you later, then?"
"Better."
He ducks down to brush another quick kiss across my lips before bending to pick up my duffel bag and holds it out for me.
"Later, P."
He smiles and I take my duffel from him, and quickly turn away and start walking before I change my mind. I don't want to leave him, not like this, not today, not after everything that has happened, but I promised my mom I would be over this weekend and she already paid for my ticket to make sure I get on the damn plane. At least I don't have to travel there by car which would have taken all day. I don't even have a car of my own yet. I need to think about getting a job to save some money. A car would be useful. I could always borrow Em's car, although she's always leaving it over wherever Spencer is staying, and the rest of the time she parks it somewhere and forgets where it is. Like last week, it took us four days to find the thing and we eventually found it in the supermarket parking lot. She only remembered she left it there when she went to get nachos. She needs to ease up on the drinking.
I board the plane and find my seat next to the window. I watch out the window as we take off, my mind drifting to last night. Memories cause a stir of emotions inside me and I shift in my seat. I can feel my cheeks blushing as I remember our time together. The way Dario rocked his hips against mine, my fingers trailing down his back, his muffled groans as he buried his face in my neck, the sound he made when he came inside me. I suddenly realize I'm gripping the seat and my teeth have left indents in my bottom lip.
I look around, feeling a little hot and embarrassed. The guy next to me looks at me and I quickly turn away and look out the window, trying not to laugh.
What is wrong with me?
My hormones are in overdrive. A few touches would be all it takes to set me off. I think the word Em would use would be ‘horny’. Rio has awakened something inside of me. I want him again. I want him inside me. His lips on mine. Our bodies connected. I want to stay in that happy place with Dario…and then I remember the reason why I need to stay away from him.
He's a drug dealer for crying out loud. Working as a mechanic is just a front so they can launder their drug money through the business. His life is complicated. I can't live in his world. And he can't live in mine. We can never be together. A life with Dario is just a fantasy. One that will never happen. I know deep down what happened between us was a mistake. Another mistake I can add to the long list of mistakes I keep making. Any happiness I feel is suddenly squashed when the weight of our two worlds comes crashing down on me. It's so easy to fall for him when he walks back into my life and makes it so easy, but I need to remember it's not real and it never will be. He's not real. Rio is the one that makes me laugh and makes me feel like I can be myself around him. He’s the boy I fell in love with and gave my virginity to. But Dario Boston is someone else. He's dark and dangerous. He should come with a warning sign. Like one of those high voltage signs that warn you not to get too close. ‘Cause if you get too close, you're going to get hurt, and you've only got yourself to blame.
Chapter 4
I hadn't even realized I'd fallen asleep until the guy next to me nudges me to let me know we're landing in a minute. I sit up and stretch out the kinks and can see the airport in the distance.
I'm still half-asleep as I shuffle off the plane and follow everyone into the airport and try to locate my duffel bag. I spot Mom first and when she sees me, she shouts my name across the airport and waves her arms around. You know, just in case I didn't see her. I let out a breath and remind myself it's just for the weekend and that I promised Mom I’d come, but I know as soon as I make my way over there the first thing she's going to ask me is- "Paige, where's Mav?"
I internally sigh. I knew this was coming.
She had bought three tickets. Yes, three! One for me, one for Maverick, and one for the imaginary Graham. I had tried explaining to my mom that Maverick is super busy with football training, which is the excuse I used the last time I went over to see her, but it went in one ear and out the other. Ever since she met him last year, she's been mom crushing on him. One problem with that, Maverick and I don't speak anymore. Mom doesn't know anything about the sex tape, and I am thankful Dad decided to keep it between us. Well, between us, most of the campus, half the town, and pretty much all of the internet. Oh, and that porn site. FML. Ethan knew how to fuck up my life. Thanks, fucktard. I still haven't seen the bastard since before the sex tape incident and I hope I never see him again. He could get hit by a bus for all I care.
Mom pulls me in for a hug and nearly cuts off my air supply. "Well, where is he? Don't tell me he couldn't drag himself away from his boyfriend for just a few days?" Mom chuckles. "I would have loved to have met Graham."
Fuck.
"Mom, I already told you he's training." I smile in Ned's direction and he returns the gesture.
"He doesn't even like football. He only took that scholarship to appease his father." Mom says with a frown.
"I know, but...uh, he and Graham are going through a rough patch at the moment and he wanted to stay behind to try and work it out. He's taking Graham out for a romantic din
ner this evening." I lie.
Fuck me. This is ridiculous.
I can't believe this is what my life has come to. I'm making up stories about a fake boyfriend to cover Maverick's lie about him being gay.
I sigh and try to force a smile. I sometimes wish Maverick hadn't made up that story. We should have just told my mom he was my friend. She would have probably kicked him out and given me a lecture about boys, but still. Now she thinks he's my gay bestie and we live in each other's pockets. Maverick isn't even on the football team anymore. I have no idea what he does with his spare time. But he's certainly not shacking up with fucking Graham!
Arghhhh!!!
"Paige?" Mom says.
"Huh?"
"Clean your hands." She pushes a hand sanitizer into my palm and I quickly squeeze some on and rub it into my hands. Ned collects my duffel bag and we make our way through the airport.
"How's everyone here?" I ask as we cross the parking lot.
"Your auntie Jane has put on some weight."
"Right."
"It's all that alcohol she consumes…and the rest." Mom scoffs. "She invited me over for tea the other day and I watched her devour three cupcakes in one sitting. Three."
Sounds about right to me. Who can stop at just one, right?
Whatever.
I zone out on the way home as Mom drones on about all her problems and how tired she is. She doesn't even work. All she does is get out of bed and boss people around. I can't take her seriously anymore.
Just as we're pulling in through the gate, Mom drops it on me that we're having lunch with my sister and her fiancé. It's nice to be told these things in advance.
I don't mind, though. Anything to get me out of the house. The last time I was here all I could think about was what Maverick and I had done in the pool, in the gazebo, in the shower, in my bed. I had to sleep on the window seat in my room. I couldn't even bring myself to sleep in the bed.
I dump my duffel bag by my desk and stare at the bed.
I tell myself I'm fine, that I don't care about Maverick anymore, but it's a lie.
I wander over to my bed and crawl across it and rest my head on the pillow, feeling across the bed to where Maverick slept the last time we were here together. Silly, I know, but I can’t help the way I feel. The sheets have been changed since then, but I still reach for his ghost. I can't get him out of my head, which isn't hard, I still see him around college and I still catch him watching me in English now and then. He's still here with me, even if he has forgotten me. I mean, it's been three months and not one word. I don't know what I want him to say, or if I want him to say anything. I just know I miss him every day. I miss everything about him. If I'm honest, he was like a best friend to me. We were friends before we fell in love.
Ha! He never loved you!
Or maybe he did. Ugh. I hate this. I hate what he did to us. I have no idea if he was telling the truth that day he showed up and got his ass beat by Dario. Maybe it was all part of the plan to fuck with me. Maybe everything he ever said was bullshit. I want to believe him, believe that what we had was real, but it's hard to believe a word that comes out of his mouth after he lied to me for so long. But I still miss him. And now with Emily gone most of the time, it's lonely in the dorm room at night. She has tried to be around a bit more, but she's still crazy about Spencer, and I'm not one to stand in her way if that's what she wants. It's hard when I'm all alone and I see Maverick moping around the college. He looks about as miserable as I am. I sometimes wish he would transfer to a different college so I wouldn't have to see him every day.
I stare at the ceiling and try to push Maverick out of my thoughts. He fucked up. Not me. He fucked us up and ruined everything. He doesn't get to consume my thoughts, but that's easier said than done. There's not exactly a switch I can push to turn off Maverick. I wish there was. He claimed a part of me that I don't think I'll ever get back. He was more than a distraction. He was my reason to get out of bed in the morning. He was my friend. My lover. I could see myself growing old with him. We could have had a life together. He was in the future I was planning. The one where we graduate from college together. Maverick would go on to play football professionally and I would take cooking classes and learn how to knit. I would start a YouTube cooking channel and share my food creations. We'd get married and live in a big house by the sea, we'd get a dog, and we'd have three children. I wouldn't have to worry about finding a job because Maverick would take care of me.
But then he went and fucked it all up.
I just want the pain to stop.
"I hate him!" I scream, chucking the pillow across the room and it knocks something over on the bookcase.
Fuck him.
I check my phone for any messages from Dario. I need a new distraction. I know it's only been a few hours, but I still need to check.
Nothing.
I fall asleep and miss lunch and before I know it, Mom is knocking on my door to tell me to get ready to go out. I check my phone for messages again, but there's no signal. Of course. All I want to do is sleep until tomorrow I'm so tired, but I can't because I’ll never hear the end of it if I miss dinner. With a sigh, I shut off my phone and drag myself into the bathroom to freshen up before we head out to meet my sister for dinner.
Chapter 5
Mom has booked us a table at Benji's Bar and Grill which is an hour's drive from here. I stick my earbuds in and listen to my Spotify playlist, but I find myself searching for Maverick on there. He has the best playlists and he's always adding new ones. He likes to add all his favorite songs for the month and he always makes them public. I find his profile and look back at the last few months. He gives them all a different title. Like when we were together, he made one every month.
September-Revenge.
September is the month we first met.
Yup. I should have asked him about that one. I was stupid to think he just singled me out because he wanted to talk to me. No one wants to talk to me. I'm boring Paige. At least I was until the sex tape came out and now, I'm sex tape Paige.
I check back to August.
August-Fun&Games.
Yep. I was just a game to him.
October-Confused.
Hmm.
November-Change of heart.
Oh, please. Seriously? How did I not realize something was going on when he was putting clues like this out there.
December-Fucked.
December is the month the sex tape came out.
January-Regret.
February-Pain.
Finally this month: March-Misery.
The last three months we've been apart.
I'm starting to see a pattern here.
I click on this month and my ears are filled with sad songs that make me want to cry and slit my wrists. This is depressing and makes my heart ache.
Is he for real?
Regret?
Pain?
Misery?
Is he doing this on purpose? Did he know I would look at his playlists? I blocked him on everything else. I see a playlist I must have missed before. It looks new. Labeled P.
I click on it and see an assortment of sad songs including Lana Del Rey. That woman can make anyone cry with her melodic sounds. Her lyrics are both beautiful and sad.
The song at the top of the list is called: Infinity by Jaymes Young.
I've never heard it before, so I click on it and listen to the words. The lyrics send a chill through my body. I don't even realize I'm crying until Mom breaks the trance.
"Paige, what on earth is wrong with you?" she says, turning around in her seat to get a better look at me. I look up from my phone and quickly wipe my eyes.
"Huh. Uh...I was just yawning. I'm tired, that's all."
She yawns as if on cue. "I didn't get a wink of sleep last night. I’m exhausted." Mom sighs.
Right. Of course. Make this about you.
My relationship with my mother is a complicated one. I love her, I do, but she's hard w
ork. She wasn’t always like this. She used to be fun, that was when our dad still lived at home, and then after he was gone, she was always too busy for us, and her work took priority. Now she's someone else entirely since meeting Ned. I miss the mom from when I was little, the more relaxed one, and we used to have fun as a family. The days when she didn't find things to complain about.
I need to pull myself out of this funk. Bloody Maverick. Why is he doing this to me? The letter P. As in my name. Obviously. He made a playlist just for me. A depressing one that makes me want to cry. It wasn't there before. It's recent. Maybe last week or so. Not that I'm stalking his Spotify profile.
Shit.
Look what he does to me? I'm supposed to be forgetting him and here I am crying over the playlist he made for me. Or about me. Or whatever. I should make one for him and label it: Fuck you! I'd fill it with heavy metal and grungy rock about how much I hate him. The song I Hate Everything About You by Three Days Grace comes to mind. Thanks to Rio and his love of rock music, I have discovered new bands from stalking his Spotify profile. There I go again. Stalking again. Yikes. I’m turning into that guy from You.
Dammit. I need to stop doing this. It's not healthy.
I click back onto my playlist and find something more upbeat before I start balling my eyes out. As soon as Ned pulls into the parking space, I've already got my door open waiting to jump out. I climb out and check my signal again.
Nothing.
I hate this place.
"I booked us a table in the garden." Mom says, joining my side and holding onto my arm.
We walk inside and order drinks at the bar. I get a choice between Coke and lemonade. Exciting. I would kill for a beer right about now.
We sit outside under the parasol and I check my phone again.
"Paige, we're here to see Kelsey, can't you text Mav another time?"
"I'm not texting Mav. Anyway, Kelsey isn't even here yet." I say with too much venom and dial it down a little. "I'm just checking in with Em." I stand up. "I need to use the bathroom." I excuse myself and find the bathroom and sit on the toilet, and surprisingly I get signal in here. Figures.