by Olivia Lara
*
‘Oh, Mamie,’ says Valerie, her eyes brimming with tears. ‘I’m so sorry. It’s you. Zara is you. I didn’t know.’
I blink a few times to stop the tears.
I’m still emotional remembering the pain I felt. It never really goes away. You learn to live with it. But it’s been over sixty years, and it’s still here, in my heart. I suffered after my father died, but I was young and didn’t quite understand. My mother’s passing crushed me; it changed me. And I still miss her. Every single day.
LEON
28 MARCH 1955
COLMAR
Bedroom, classroom, bedroom, greenhouse, bedroom, classroom. That had been Leon’s life in the agonizingly long week since the Strasbourg trip.
When Leon had boarded the train for the school trip he’d sat comfortably in an empty car and pulled the curtains to make sure he wouldn’t be seen, but before they pulled out, he heard the door behind him and felt a tap on the shoulder. His French teacher, who knew and remembered him much too well after he refused to close an art book during his class, had decided to join the trip at the last minute. Leon’s plans were ruined. No more trip. Instead, he was escorted back to the school and straight into the headmaster’s office.
The headmaster – known around the campus as obtuse, overly strict, and unforgiving with rule-bending – sat him down and without even giving him a chance to defend himself, thundered, ‘For what you’ve done, I should expel you. But I feel generous today. I will give you another chance. As for your punishment, you will have no privileges for two weeks. No TV, no radio, no mail, no passes for field trips, and definitely no soccer and no skiing.’
Leon stopped listening at ‘no passes’.
‘A friend is waiting for me in Alsace. Can I at least let her know I’m not coming?’
‘You should’ve thought of that before you lied and sneaked out of school. You are confined to your quarters, your classroom and science laboratory until Easter when you may leave and spend the vacation with your family.’
Who cared about skiing and playing with friends? Why no travel? He had to go back to Colmar. He had to go back to Zara. Why couldn’t he at least write to her?
He imagined her waiting for him, sad and confused. It broke his heart.
Leon tried talking to Nicole, asking her for help, but nobody was allowed to come to his room. He sent her a note during class, but she didn’t respond. That first night he tried leaving the school, but a teacher was patrolling the hallways. The second night, he tried to sneak out and drop a letter into the mailbox, but one of the teaching assistants saw him and he had to run back to his room. It was hopeless. Leon had no option but to do as he was told.
When he wasn’t studying or writing letters to Zara – letters he wouldn’t be able to send until his two weeks were up – he went to the greenhouse. First, because he had to and then because he found something there that made him smile. Right outside the greenhouse’s entrance, three shrubs of jasmine with hundreds of small white flowers lured him with their divine smell and reminded him of her.
At the end of the first week, Nicole slid a piece of paper under his door. ‘I worked my magic, but you owe me big time. Meet me at the greenhouse in an hour.’
Just as he was about to go meet Nicole, the headmaster sent word he wanted to see him in his office. He told him his detention was over but warned him never to do that again.
‘I hope you learned your lesson,’ he said.
Leon nodded anxiously and rushed out. He had to find his art teacher, beg him to take him back to France. He would call JJ and tell him everything, explain. Or he could call his father. Leon was ready to do anything, just to be able to return to Colmar.
Although he had no idea what Nicole had done to change the headmaster’s mind, he was impressed. She had a way with words, he knew that much. And JJ was one of the school’s biggest donors.
The moment he entered the greenhouse, he heard her. ‘Leon. Where have you been?’
She showed up around the corner and ran to him, hugging him tightly.
‘Don’t I always save you?’ she asked, smiling.
‘You do,’ he said and kissed her on the cheek. She flushed, looking pleased. He was elated. He didn’t have to wait one more week; he could go back to Colmar. ‘You did save me and I love you for it,’ he said, feeling incredibly thankful.
‘I love you, you fool. Didn’t I say she wasn’t worth all the trouble? You should’ve listened to me.’
A gust of wind blew through the garden, and the jasmine shrubs waved gently in the wind, bringing in their mesmerizing smell. Leon closed his eyes.
Nicole moved in closer and took his hand in hers. ‘You have me. You don’t need her or anyone else.’ Her face was close to his. Leon pulled back.
‘What are you talking about? I’m going back to Colmar as soon as I can. If they let me or not. I do need her. I need to see her, to talk to her. This past week has been a nightmare, imagining what she must’ve felt, waiting for me. I care about her more than I ever thought I could care about someone,’ he said, keeping a wary distance from Nicole.
‘But you just said—’ Nicole didn’t get a chance to finish.
‘There you are, princess.’
Both Nicole and Leon turned around. Vincent was walking towards them.
‘Why am I not surprised to see you with my Nico, trouble?’ said Vincent, pulling Nicole to him and kissing her.
Nicole blushed.
‘I’ve been looking everywhere for you.’
She attempted a smile. ‘Why?’
‘Do I need a reason? I just missed you.’
She looked at Leon, then at Vincent and snuggled in Vincent’s arms. ‘I missed you too,’ she said, while not taking her eyes off Leon.
Leon would’ve felt awkward if he wasn’t preoccupied with his own thoughts.
‘I have to go,’ he said in a rush. He ran back to school and straight to his mailbox. A postcard from Argentina, from his parents. That was it. No letters from Zara. Not even one.
He thought about sending the letters he’d written, but decided it was better if he explained in person. He had no doubt she would understand and forgive him.
But again, the same problem. How could he go back to Colmar? He couldn’t risk it again. He had to play it safe so nothing could go wrong this time. But who could get him there and fast?
‘I am desperate,’ he said to his art teacher, Mr Pillay, that night. ‘And there’s no one else I can turn to.’
His teacher already knew Leon had met a girl in Colmar but, until that day, he’d had no idea they kept in touch. Leon told him the whole story.
‘I need to go to Colmar to see her. Talk to her. Please!’
Mr Pillay called Leon’s parents, but of course they weren’t there. The housekeeper confirmed they were ‘somewhere in South America’. Thankfully. He knew what his father’s reaction would’ve been. He would’ve never allowed him to go to Colmar to look for Zara.
The teacher then called his godfather, and JJ, after hearing the story, agreed to let Leon go if Mr Pillay went with him. They were on the first train to Strasbourg the next morning.
*
When they arrived at the Colmar station, it was busy and even colder than Switzerland. Leon pushed his ushanka hat down on his head and covered his ears, before stepping on the platform and making his way through the crowds.
In the middle of the platform, he stopped for a second.
‘What is it?’ asked Mr Pillay.
‘I’m not sure,’ said Leon. ‘I don’t know.’
He looked around. People were rushing in all directions. Too many people.
‘Let’s go. We’re freezing here,’ said his teacher and pushed him gently forward.
Zara was right; it was a small town, and they found the address quickly. The house, a massive two-story with red shutters on a narrow, cobbled street, looked deserted. He rang the doorbell. No response. The shutters were closed, the gate locked. Where was
she? He got anxious. Leon spent the next few hours walking the streets of Colmar. Rue des Têtes, Rue Des Clefs, Rue des Marchands. No sign of Zara.
Kids made a snowman in front of a church. A street performer played a French folk song on his violin. A corner bakery put out fresh bread. He wanted to be there with her. The brightly colored timber homes, the wide canals, and narrow alleyways of Colmar made Leon feel he had stepped back in time.
I wish it were possible to go back in time. A few day – that’s all I need.
At every step, there was a unique sculpture, an impressive fountain, a monument. All the things he wished Zara had shown him. He saw them but didn’t really look at anything. He just wanted to find her. How could he? What was he looking for? Walking towards him was a brunette with brown eyes. On the other side of the street, a blonde with blue eyes. He knew none of them were Zara, but he asked anyway. The girls giggled and ran away.
Leon and his teacher kept coming back to the house, every couple of hours. Late in the evening, they returned to try one more time but the lights were out, and there was no sign of life.
‘Try a neighbor,’ suggested Mr Pillay.
Leon rang the doorbell at the house next door.
An old woman opened the gate.
‘I’m sorry to bother you, I’m looking for Zara Ionesco. She lives at number 24.’
‘Ah, the mademoiselle,’ she said sadly.
Leon noticed her tone and started to worry even more.
‘I tried several times but nobody’s answering,’ he continued.
‘And nobody will, young man. They moved out.’
‘When?’
‘They left earlier today.’
‘Where did they go?’
‘I’m not sure, but I heard them saying something about the train to Paris.’
Paris? Of course. He should’ve thought of that. Where else would she go?
‘So she left with her mother to live in Paris?’
‘Oh, you didn’t hear about what happened then. Poor soul.’
Leon gulped. ‘What happened?’
‘She died a week ago. Such a loss. She was so young and beautiful.’
‘Died? Who died?’ The woman’s reaction to his earlier question played in his mind. No. Leon clenched his jaw, forcing himself not to break down and cry. His body felt weak and useless. His Zara couldn’t be gone.
‘Her mother. A bus accident. Such a tragedy.’
‘Her mother,’ he repeated wondering if he was a horrible person for feeling relieved it wasn’t Zara. ‘Is Zara alright?’
‘Eh, poor girl. As much as she could be, all alone in the world.’
Leon’s heart hurt, physically. Just thinking of Zara’s suffering made him tear up.
‘What happened to her? Who’s taking care of her now?’
‘I told you. She went to Paris. A relative came and took her away. Or a friend of the family perhaps.’
His Zara was all alone in the world, after having gone through the most horrific experience of her life, and he hadn’t been there for her. No wonder there were no letters. Who knew what she must’ve thought?
‘Do you have an address? Do you know where I can find her?’
‘I don’t know anything,’ she said before closing the door. ‘They didn’t tell me.’
Zara and him, they had talked about many things, things that in those moments seemed important, and they were, but now he realized how little he actually knew about her life. And how little she probably knew about his too. He had felt such a strong, immediate connection with her that all those details seemed trivial and of no significance. He never imagined he would need that information someday. He had no idea if she had any other family outside Colmar. Or if her mother had friends in Paris.
Leon turned to his teacher. ‘What do I do now? Where do I search for her? It’s a big world out there.’
‘If it’s meant for you, my boy, this big world will become small, at the right time.’
PART II
‘Nothing is impossible for a willing heart.’ — Jacques Coeur
LEON
14 JUNE 1956
VAUD
‘What are you doing? I thought you’d finished all your assignments,’ asked Nicole as she sat on the grass next to Leon.
‘I’m writing Marc’s paper on seventeenth-century Dutch painters.’
‘I didn’t know you two were friends.’
‘We’re not,’ said Leon, continuing to write.
The truth was, he had no friends left, except for Nicole. The last year had been tough on him. After he returned from Colmar, finding Zara was the only thing he cared about. He isolated himself, stopped going to soccer practice and sailing competitions, and he could hardly be seen in the common areas after school. All he did was sit in his room or alone in the greenhouse, his mind busy coming up with all sorts of scenarios and possibilities.
He used all the address and telephone books he could find. Made dozens of calls and wrote even more letters. There was no Zara Ionesco in Paris. And none of the Ionescos had ever heard of her (or ever answered his letters). He even asked Mr Pillay and JJ to take him to Paris, to the museums – Rodin, Louvre, Orangerie, Marmottan. All the places where he imagined she would go if she lived in Paris. No one had seen or heard of Zara. And when all his attempts at finding her proved to be unsuccessful, he felt like he’d failed her again. Once for not meeting her when he promised, twice for not being there for her when she needed someone the most, and now for not being able to find her.
‘If I don’t help him, he’ll fail the year.’
‘Maybe if he hadn’t been so busy playing rugby all semester…’
Leon stopped writing and looked up at her. ‘His father is picking him up this Friday. That’s if he passes and finishes the year.’
‘Wait a minute. Marc’s father lives in Paris,’ said Nicole and looked away. ‘You’re writing his paper, and in exchange he takes you with him.’ She sighed. ‘Leon, it’s been over a year. You have to stop.’
‘One year, two months and twenty-nine days,’ he said, smiling sadly. ‘Don’t you think I know I should stop?’
‘Then why don’t you?’
He shrugged.
‘I miss you,’ she said and put her head on his shoulder.
‘What do you mean? I’m here all the time. Well, almost all the time.’
‘You are, but you aren’t.’
She picked up a small white flower and gave it to him.
‘I feel like we don’t get to spend any time together anymore. We barely talk.’
‘We’re talking now,’ he said and gave her back the flower. He tried to be cheerful and sometimes it worked. But, most of the time, it didn’t.
‘Who are you taking to the Third-Year Ball?’ she asked.
‘I don’t know. Nobody.’
‘Why?’
‘You know why. Because it’s a couples thing and I don’t like anyone that way.’
She scoffed. ‘I wonder why.’
He didn’t respond.
‘Why don’t we go together then?’
He tilted his head and stared at her. ‘Together? No, that would be weird.’
‘I don’t think it would. Plus, a bit of dancing and music would do you good.’
‘What about Vincent? Isn’t he coming back for the ball?’
‘I could tell him not to.’
Leon laughed. ‘I doubt he would like that. I appreciate what you’re trying to do but I don’t need a party to cheer me up. I’m fine. You go and have fun.’
‘He’s coming to see me next week, you know. He wasn’t supposed to but says he’s missing me,’ said Nicole, like she hadn’t heard him.
Vincent had graduated the year before and was now studying French Literature at the Sorbonne, but he would come to see Nicole every other weekend. It seemed the headmaster was more inclined to turn a blind eye to rule-bending if it involved the Saint Germains or the D’Angers.
‘That’s nice,’ said Leon absentmi
ndedly. ‘Maybe I’ll ask him to take me with him to Paris when he returns.’
‘Oh, stop it! Really. I’m tired of this. She’s gone. Just accept it and move on.’
‘Don’t start, please. I’m not in the mood to fight with you again.’
‘You’re never in the mood for anything. All you do is sulk and plan. And search. And sigh. You’ve become a sad, boring version of the Leon I used to know.’
‘You can always walk away, Nicole. I know I’m not the best company. I’m sure you can do better. There must be a party somewhere you can go to.’
He was being mean and, judging by the look in her eyes, he knew it hurt her.
‘I’m sorry,’ he said.
He understood she was frustrated, but he was frustrated too.
*
In the year that followed, Leon’s efforts to try and find Zara slowly dwindled down until they came to a stop. Not because he had forgotten her or he didn’t care about her anymore. But because, by that point, he had tried everything he could think of, and it had gotten him nowhere. It was as if Zara had disappeared off the face of the earth.
Gradually he returned to his group of friends, the ones who still accepted him. He re-joined the soccer team and did his best to not be as ‘antisocial’ as Nicole accused him of being, though he didn’t always succeed. As for his friendship with Nicole, it somehow bounced back after the Zara topic wasn’t part of the conversation anymore. It was good to have his best friend back, but it had cost him more than Nicole could ever imagine.
LEON
14 JUNE 1957
VAUD
‘Where have you been?’ asked Leon when Nicole walked in. She had promised to help him pack, but that was two hours earlier.
‘On the phone with JJ, who is ruining my graduation day,’ she scoffed and sat on the side of his bed, staring into space, with a grumpy look on her face.
Nicole had never called JJ ‘Father’. Never. Not even as a child.
‘Sometimes I wonder if he cares about me at all. I don’t think he does.’