It wasn’t true, but Emma didn’t care. She wanted a barb under his skin so he could feel a tenth of the pain he was inflicting on her.
He narrowed his eyes at her. “What?”
“I said. Go.”
He disappeared into the bedroom and emerged a few minutes later wearing his clothes from the day before, slinging his bag over his shoulder. “Emma, this is not done. I don’t want to leave you. I don’t want to stop working with you. I want you.”
“Unless you are not getting married and you actually tell your parents, who then accept it, there is nothing between us to discuss. And after this and what you’ve just done, I don’t see any universe where that is going to work out.” She took a deep breath. “Now please leave. I want to be alone.”
“Emma,” his voice practically begged. He came toward her.
“Nope. Go.” She turned around and started cleaning up the mess on the counter.
His footsteps clicked on the marble, the locks scraped, and the door opened and shut. Then he was gone.
“And you are a mama’s boy!” she yelled to the closed door.
Emma hunched over the mess on the stove, her head hanging, a dead weight. A ruthless sob echoed out of her mouth. Little clear splotches appeared in the creamy mess she’d made on the countertop. Tears. Much like the mess she’d started months ago. A mess that had begun with writing a fateful algorithm and falling for her gray-eyed coworker.
CHAPTER 35
Jordana’s hair and half her body filled Emma’s laptop screen. Jordana was sitting at her kitchen table, her knee propped up, and a teacup practically dangled from her hand. Her other hand sank in her hair as she sighed into her chest. Emma almost laughed, except nothing could make her laugh today.
“Jordy, I can’t see your face.”
“Sorry,” she said like it hurt her to say the words. “I’m a bit off my game today. Mostly because I surpassed all my game last night, if you know what I mean.” Jordana rubbed at her eyes with the palms of her hands and blinked at the screen. “Okay, I know I look like shit because it’s early and I’m hungover, but what’s going on with you? You look terrible. Did you finally catch the plague?”
“Please, stop sugarcoating it.” Emma was trying to be brave, confident, and all the things that she’d told herself a thousand times in the face of adversity, assholes at work, and loan bills that felt like an avalanche more than a flurry.
“Sorry, but seriously, are you okay? You look like I do. Did something happen?”
Emma nodded, pressing her lips tight so she wouldn’t cry. For herself. Jordana had seen her cry more than anyone else, but it was not a normal thing. And this was just a breakup. People had them all the time.
But her lips couldn’t press together hard enough. One of those terrible, silent, shaking sobs that hurt her back and her chest at the same time lurched up from the abyss of sorrow inside her and shook her to the core.
“Emma, sweetie. Oh my God, I’m sorry; I was just joking. Tell me. Let it out, whatever you need.”
She blew out a big breath, trying to exhale anything Rishi related out of her. “I’m okay.”
“The hell you are. What is it?”
“Rishi. He’s getting married. He lied to me. I’m an idiot. It was never going to work, and I . . .” She looked anywhere but at the laptop, because she knew the truth would be staring back at her in Jordana’s eyes.
But instead of Jordana stating the obvious—Wasn’t he always going to get married to his perfect wife?—like the good friend she was, she just said, “Tell me what happened.”
So Emma told her everything that had happened, in painstaking detail, but let fury at herself surface so she wouldn’t cry again. She’d need an electrolyte IV if she lost any more tears.
“I told Jas I had food poisoning yesterday so I wouldn’t have to see Rishi. I couldn’t function. And today everyone stayed clear of me. I’m sure because they think I have terrible diarrhea instead of . . .” She shook her head.
“A broken heart?” Jordana asked.
“How can it be broken already? It’s been a few months.”
“Emma, some people know on day one. But how did he leave it? You kicked him out, and then he said he was still getting married?”
“I don’t think he needed to say it explicitly. We’ve all known this was coming, and I was in complete denial.” He’d sent some apology texts and the regular cadence of status emails he sent to everyone. Obviously he was fine. Maybe feeling guilty, but functioning. Like a functioning heartbreaker. While she was a nonfunctioning broken hearter.
“So what are you going to do? You have like eight months left on your agreement, right? You can come back here; we’ll take care of you,” Jordana crooned.
Curling up on Jordana’s couch watching movies while splitting a bottle of wine sounded divine. Perfect even. But she’d also just started an adventure and wasn’t quite sure she was ready to end it.
“I don’t know. Maybe I will be able to talk to him at some point in the future, but not yet. If you get a text later this week saying I’m on my way, though, you know what it means.”
A few days had done nothing to ease the pain he’d caused her. While she wanted to see the project finished, she didn’t know how she’d be able to endure the coming months. Just sitting in the same room as him had invaded her with a sadness she didn’t want to acknowledge. Today, she’d felt his eyes on her the entire time in their team meeting. She’d had to resist turning her gaze toward him with all the energy she could muster. One sorrowful look and she might have been able to ignore the fact he was getting married, that he’d lied to her, that in no way possible could he destroy his family for her.
What would the next few months be like? Watching him make wedding plans. Thinking about him while he was away on his honeymoon. Or after, when he’d bring Radhika in to meet the team, all glowing and happy and shit. He’d introduce her to Emma like she was just another coworker. She couldn’t even think about it.
“I’m here for you. I’ll get you a puppy and find a new apartment if you need it. I’ll screen any guys who tempt you and ensure they are worthy of you. Because from whatever you said, the only thing standing in between you and Rishi is his parents, and that just doesn’t make sense to me.”
Emma shrugged. “It’s complicated for him. I’d never want him to break with his family because of me.”
“Well, I don’t get it. And I know you have a way different perspective on it than I do, but you are amazing, and if he can’t work his shit out with his family to at least see what is happening with you, then fuck him.” Jordana’s eyes were on fire.
“Whoa.” In that moment, Emma was glad Jordana wasn’t in Bangalore, or else Rishi might have been missing some crucial body parts. “I appreciate your intensity, Jordy. I feel like tomorrow I can go into work and know that at least if I feel like shit now, if you ever met Rishi in person, he would feel shittier because of whatever you’d do to him.”
“Damn straight.” Jordana rubbed at her eyes again, the fire zapped out of her.
“Okay, I’m going to go to bed, but you should go take some ibuprofen or something.” Emma smiled, trying to reassure Jordana, and possibly herself, that she was fine.
“I will. Take care, and I’ll check up on you later this week.” She blew a kiss to Emma, who did the same and then closed her laptop.
Emma wasn’t feeling great, but she felt better. Better meaning that she wasn’t going to cry in the office. She’d been thinking about Jordana’s call and trying to reconcile the Rishi she knew with the Rishi who’d lied to her and wouldn’t stand up to his parents. It just didn’t compute. But she also needed some time before she could talk to him and tell him what a fucking louse he was. She’d gone from sad Emma to angry Emma, fortified by Jordana’s hungover ire.
She walked to the patio to refill her coffee. But when she opened the door, she stalled. Rishi was sitting at a table, his back to her, talking on the phone. He wouldn’t notice her. A
nd why should she care? He was the one who should have been slinking away from her.
She strode to the coffee maker and pressed the buttons for cappuccino. She stared at the machine, willing it to hurry. Why did it always need to warm up when she was in the biggest rush?
“No, I have to go home this week. The engagement is set for next month.”
She choked on her breath. He was getting engaged in mere weeks? He’d excluded that little detail. The hurt stinging at her chest from the conversation at her house was back in full force.
Somehow, deep inside, she’d hoped it was all just a misunderstanding, that Rishi would stand up to his parents and surprise her on her doorstep one night, begging her forgiveness. Because of her. Because he thought what they had was special.
She’d gotten caught up in a frenzy of lust and love and had forgotten the world she was in. But reality had proved she was nothing more than a statistic. A number. A typical fool for love. The bumper stickers were right. Karma was indeed a bitch.
The machine in front of her buzzed, and while she was tempted to linger a bit longer to hear what other hidden information she might uncover, she resolved not to care. She couldn’t care. Not anymore. No matter how much it burned away at her chest.
She returned to her desk and hoped the rest of the day would be as Rishi-free as possible. Back at her desk, an email from Jeremy dinged into her inbox.
Emma, I’ve been trying to reach you on Instant Message but you must be busy these days. You’ll never believe it but I’m in Bangalore for a work trip. I’d love to see you, at least for dinner or something, and catch up. I’ve missed you and want to hear about all the incredible work you’re doing. Maybe we could meet tomorrow night?
Emma’s stomach rolled at the thought of Jeremy here in her new town, where she was dealing with heartache from her new boyfriend. Well, ex-boyfriend. When she thought about her life with Jeremy, it was like watching a reality TV show starring two other people. She was the bad girlfriend who constantly missed the chance to see him, or even touch him, with their conflicting busy schedules. She’d send a text that she was at work late. A message that she was going out with Jordana. Or she’d fall asleep with her laptop in bed even as he waited on her.
Her eyes closed, an internal wince pinching her. Somehow those things had never been a problem with her and Rishi.
It would be good to see Jeremy. They’d broken up, but it wasn’t like they despised each other. They’d shared too much for that. Now, knowing what it was like to be heartbroken, she owed him that much.
She wrote back to him.
What a coincidence! Sounds good. I will clear my night for you.
The next day her stomach was still tied up in knots. She’d almost called in sick but couldn’t show how hurt she still was. She had to stay strong at work. Collapsing into her desk chair, she looked at her calendar.
When she’d agreed to see Jeremy yesterday, she’d thought it was a good idea. But now it didn’t seem like it anymore. She grumbled at her monitor. She didn’t want to have a breakdown over her new boyfriend with her ex. That would be horrible. Maybe seeing Jeremy would be a reminder of how quickly she could recover from a relationship.
She sat at her desk, counting down until 6:00 p.m., and when it came, she took the elevator down. Before getting off, she took a deep breath and pushed her shoulders back. She blocked Rishi from her thoughts. She brushed off the past glorious weeks and tried to forget the one horrific moment when her heart had been trampled to bits.
Jeremy was outside her office, sitting in one of his company’s cars, a driver at the wheel. Emma walked over and knocked on his window.
The way his face lit up upon seeing her made her involuntarily smile. He jumped out of the car, and she stepped back. Jeremy was wearing a plaid button-up shirt and his usual tight jeans. She’d bought him that shirt for Christmas last year. A reminder of how well she knew him. And how she hadn’t known Rishi at all.
“Emma.” He smiled, taking her in his arms with a longer embrace than she expected.
She inhaled deeply, smelling the scent of cedar and moss she knew so well. It took her back to getting ready in the morning, fighting over the sink they shared. To leaning in and kissing his lips when she got home from work. To making dinner together in their miniscule apartment kitchen, where Jeremy always insisted she taste whatever he’d made to see if it needed salt or spice.
The length of his arms wrapped around her tight. Jeremy was a foot taller than her. She remembered this, and the way his arms felt on her back. Familiar. Like home.
All those emotions flooded over her, trying to squeeze into the cracks that Rishi had just left in her heart.
“How are you?” He stood back and placed his hands on her shoulders, studying her. “You look amazing.”
“I’m not sure I deserve that, but thanks.” How could he be so kind to her after all she’d put him through? “How is your trip?”
“Good. And now wonderful since I’m seeing you. Ready to go?”
Emma had to admit that it was comforting to see him. Like being wrapped in a blanket that smelled like home. They might have broken up, there might not have been anything between them now, but Jeremy still knew her. She knew him and his family. There were no added complications because of his family. They’d adored her, and there had always been something deeply comforting in that.
She got into the car.
“Can you believe the company gave me a car to take around?” he asked, sliding in beside her and shaking his head, that goofy, nerdy laugh of his filling the back seat.
It was like old times. “I know. I feel completely spoiled. My place is so nice. Like, soooo nice.”
“This is Raj.” Jeremy patted the seat in front of him. “I was telling him how I usually ride my bicycle everywhere. He thinks I’m crazy.”
“No, no sir.” Raj smiled politely in the rearview mirror.
Emma laughed at how proper the driver tried to stay, knowing that he must think the tall, lumbering man behind him was out-of-his-mind crazy. Jeremy just talked to everyone about everything. She’d forgotten this about him.
“I wanted to eat at my hotel, if that’s okay. It’s supposed to be amazing,” Jeremy said.
“Sure.” But Emma wondered why he’d picked his hotel, her thoughts veering off into his room. Was that what he expected?
They pulled up to one of Bangalore’s five-star hotels that looked like a palace and walked down a dark hallway that led to a restaurant, situated outside on a stone patio. The walkway to the restaurant’s terrace was lit with torches, highlighting the stone pillars that lined the sidewalk. A drummer sat on a platform tapping on a drum.
The host showed them to a table. Flames flickered around the perimeter of the patio, and tiny fires reflected in Jeremy’s horn-rimmed glasses.
“You look so different,” he said, shaking his head in disbelief, his voice a little breathy, like he was trying to suck in all the air around him.
“Really?” she asked, looking down.
“You have jewelry on, and your shirt, the color is so . . . bright! And your face seems to have this glow about it. Just very different for you.”
She was glowing? He must have been hallucinating, since the best description for her current state of being was that she was rotting on the inside. “Well, I guess I do wear actual colors here. There aren’t too many clothes in gray and black.” Her nerves sizzled all over her body. She was lit up. Nervous being around him. But why? Was she nervous about what his intentions were for the evening? It was just Jeremy. But something about this made her remember what it felt like to be fawned over—and forget what it felt like to be rejected.
“How is everything?” Jeremy leaned over the table. “How is life in India? It seems to be treating you well.”
Emma had no idea where to start. Although she knew exactly who she’d leave out. “It’s good. It was a bit hard at first.”
“Are you glad you decided to take the job?” He shifte
d in his chair, and she caught an almost imperceptible frown. She couldn’t help but feel like he was evaluating her, gauging her current situation.
But how could they just pick up in the present without addressing the past? “Jeremy, I have to just start out by saying I am so sorry for the way we left things.” He just looked at her. “I really hope you’re doing well.”
“Yeah, you know, I’m okay . . . doing my best to get over you.” But he laughed. He was smiling.
She wasn’t sure what to say, but she was glad he wasn’t falling apart on the inside, and they could do something normal like have dinner together without him yelling at her. “Work’s been pretty good. I’m glad I decided to stay with the organization, and India’s super cool. The toughest parts were just figuring out a new way of living. A new system, you know? Like how to get around and where to eat and all that kind of stuff that comes with moving to another country, I guess. But the app is progressing well.”
“Your company is doing some great work,” Jeremy said.
A giant gurgling sound leaped up from her stomach, and she realized that she hadn’t eaten lunch today or much over the past few days because of Rishi. At lunchtime, she’d thought about how easily duped she’d been, and her head had sunk onto her desk, and she’d sobbed there for a moment before remembering she was at work. At least a few times a day the vision of Rishi and Radhika would bubble up and send a direct line of nausea to her stomach. But she wasn’t going to think about him now. “Speaking of work, I didn’t have lunch today. Can we order?” She looked over the menu, the prices quadrupled over a normal Indian restaurant she’d go to. “It’s so expensive here.”
“It’s like ten or twelve dollars for a dish, Emma,” Jeremy said, squinting at her.
“I guess that’s true.” Emma slowed her speech, recognizing for the first time that she was so used to prices being in rupees now that she didn’t bother converting to dollars anymore.
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