“And don’t worry; this is my treat. What looks good?”
Emma suggested they order the chicken tikka, shahi paneer, and the bhindi masala.
“Bhindi masala? It says ‘ladyfingers cooked in a spicy tomato-and-onion sauce.’”
“That’s what they call okra here, but I have no idea why.” She always imagined green witchy fingers crusted in a thin coating of fuzz when she saw the description. “It’s really good; don’t worry.”
They ordered more drinks, and Emma asked how work and life were back in Seattle. Summer was ending, the two whole months of it. She laughed as he recalled how they’d braved the wind and rain together on their bikes, their friends shocked at their steadfast bicycle riding despite the weather.
“I do miss riding my bike. Riding on the roads here would be a death wish,” Emma said.
“Well, you’re almost halfway through the project, right? You’ll be back in Seattle in no time. Emma, I meant what I wrote you. I miss you.” Jeremy looked at her over his glasses. “When you come back, I’d like to see if we could put the past behind us and start over. I was ridiculous with the proposal. I’ve had some time to think about it. There were a couple people at work who were getting married, and I got excited. I kept thinking about you and me. I mean, I know we hadn’t even discussed it.” He let out a sigh. “When I told my mom what happened, she said it was the most romantic but stupidest thing I’d ever done.” He grinned, reaching out to take her hand where it sat on the table.
Emma looked at his hand on hers, feeling overwhelmed by the suggestion. His mom was right. His mom, a round, smiling woman with glasses like his, who had eagerly asked Emma to make cookies with her last Christmas. Who enjoyed spending time with her. Who had hugged Emma when she’d found out her parents and grandmother had died and had let Emma cry on her shoulder.
It was exactly how Rishi’s parents probably felt about a potential, acceptable bride. She looked off into the fire on the patio and exhaled deeply, trying to keep the threat of tears at bay.
A series of memories rushed through her: she and Jeremy, reading through the Science section of the New York Times, drinking lattes at their favorite coffee shop, strolling along the waterfront arm in arm.
If an equivalent of arranged marriages existed for them, she and Jeremy would have been perfect on paper. The kind of couple people would fawn over. He was smart, funny, handsome, and fit into her life in Seattle so well. They shared the same friends, the same interests, and their life together would be much of the same.
What would happen in eight months, when she left Bangalore and was transplanted back into the same life she’d left? Clearly nothing here was going to work out, at least not romantically.
Her lips parted as she searched for the words to reply. The only word in her head was Rishi. She blinked and shook her head. She took a drink.
“Say something, Emma,” he pleaded.
Emma smiled. “I don’t know. We’ll see.” Was it just her busy work schedule that had made them drift apart? Was it her determination to be successful? Maybe that would all change. Or was that the rum in her cocktail talking? Coaxing her into avoiding loneliness. To know someone was there for her. To warm the cold that was the night desert of her heart.
They finished eating and split a gulab jamun for dessert. As the warm, syrupy dessert slid down her throat, the sweetness was so overwhelming that tears threatened to prick her eyes. She’d had this same dessert that first night in Cochin with Rishi.
Rishi, lifting her against the wall, their breath mingling through savage kisses. Kisses she didn’t even know she could have. The touch of his hands searing her skin. His mouth melting every nook of her into a pool of want. Their bodies practically laughing together, overjoyed in the sensation as they became one. Like they could speak their own language, a new language. One that she thought she might even speak forever.
Little wet needles burned at the corners of her eyes. A biting sensation at her nose. She had to stop this. She couldn’t think about Rishi anymore. He’d left her.
“Excuse me, I’ll be right back.” She scooted her chair back in a rush and headed toward the restroom. She had to rid herself of this pain. She couldn’t let Jeremy see it. See how she’d been destroyed just days ago. He’d probably think she’d deserved it, after what she’d done to him. Maybe she did.
After splashing some water on her face and taking a few deep breaths, she smiled big and bright at herself in the mirror. “You’re fine. Just fine.” Maybe if she convinced herself, she could convince him.
She returned to the table, and Jeremy started talking about some new technology his company was working on and why he was in Bangalore. Emma couldn’t focus on what he was saying. Her hands were fidgety. A restlessness burned in her chest. She needed a distraction. She needed everything to stop reminding her of Rishi.
She looked up at Jeremy from under her eyelashes. Selfish shame pushed at her chest. “What are the hotel rooms like here?” she asked, the words blurting out as he took a breath. She wasn’t even sure his sentence was finished.
“They’re nice. Crazy fancy. I feel like everything in India is just over-the-top five stars, you know?” A sly smile widened his lips. “Remember that time we went to the Oregon coast and stayed in that super-shitty room, and it rained like the entire time?”
Emma laughed. There were burn holes from cigarettes in the comforter and a ceiling light that buzzed when it was on, and the room smelled like insect spray. “How could I forget? I refused to walk barefoot in it.”
“Well, it’s much nicer than that. A thousand times. You could definitely take off your shoes in this one.” He took a drink and looked over his glasses at her again, a look that Emma had always jokingly called his “Business Time” look. His eyes burned into hers. “Why don’t you come see mine?”
Why not? What did she have to lose now? That’s why she’d asked about his room, right? A swirling nervousness plunged into Emma’s stomach. “Sure.” She swallowed hard and smiled as Jeremy’s fingers stroked the top of her hand. She resisted jerking her hand back. The slight tickle made her stomach feel a little queasy. What was she doing?
Jeremy paid the bill, and she followed him back down the romantic, candlelit pathway to the hotel entrance.
As they walked, their hands swayed with their steps, his right with her left. Was he going to hold it? She hoped not. They hadn’t held hands in a long time.
He was talking about work when the elevator opened, and they stepped inside. He hit the button for his floor, and Emma nodded at him as he talked. It all felt so . . . familiar, just like old times. They were two people who knew each other, steeped in the comfortable fabric of their lives, stitched together in a snug history.
Jeremy’s family would be thrilled if they got back together. Jordana might roll her eyes, but she’d get over it. And Emma would go back to relying on work, because making a difference in the world had always fulfilled her. That’s all she needed. Maybe she would join his company. That way she’d resist looking up Rishi in the company directory every other day.
The elevator opened. “After you,” Jeremy said, holding the door open.
Her arms shook with indecision as they walked to his door. Was this right? Was she just trying to get back at Rishi? Was this what she wanted?
They were at his room door.
“I’m so excited you came up,” Jeremy said, opening the door for her.
Inside was a luxurious room—cushy pillows, clean white walls, gold-tinged decorations. What sounded like spa music was being funneled in from somewhere.
Like a honeymoon suite.
She closed her eyes. She’d be so happy to stay in this room with Rishi for hours, days, months, ordering room service, feeding each other mango and pineapple, searching for the other’s body in the sheets.
But instead he would be sharing his honeymoon with Radhika, practically a stranger. Though they would know each other by the time his honeymoon was done. Inside and out. T
he threat of tears returned, burning behind her nose.
“Your room is amazing,” she said, but she could hear her voice tremble even as her legs carried her to the bed. She rubbed her hands along the comforter. “What is this, like a thousand thread count?”
“I have no idea.” Jeremy walked over to her and kneeled on the ground, his hands on her thighs. “Emma, I miss you so much when you’re not around. We can take our time with things. We don’t have to rush anything when you come back. You could even get your own place. I’ll keep Steve the renter around a little longer.”
Sweet, kind Jeremy. Her hand came out to cradle his face, the stubble starting to grow already, pricking at her fingertips. His eyes were searching, hopeful. He clutched her hand, pressing it into his face, sliding kisses along her palm.
But this wasn’t the person she wanted to say these words. She didn’t want it to be Jeremy asking for another chance. She wanted it to be Rishi.
She almost sobbed right there on the bed. Rishi had ruined her in mere months. She couldn’t get over what had happened between them, and the thought of doing again to Jeremy what had been done to her was just wrong. She wouldn’t want to inflict that kind of pain upon anyone else.
She jerked her hand away at the last minute, and Jeremy sat back on the carpet, confusion sweeping over his eyes.
“I’m sorry.” Tears spilled down her cheeks, and she buried her face in her hands. This was not what she wanted to do in front of him. This was not the plan at all. But she couldn’t be that way with him. Not again. Not after being with Rishi and knowing what it could be between two people. She’d never had that with Jeremy. She might have been comfortable, and it might have been easy, but she didn’t want to go there again. She couldn’t.
She wiped at her eyes, eyeliner smearing the backs of her hands. Jeremy looked at her as he sat on the floor, his face a mask of confusion, obviously wondering what the hell had just happened.
“Jeremy, I just can’t.”
CHAPTER 36
Rishi had searched the entire floor for Emma when he’d gotten off the phone. She’d been in her office the whole day but was no longer there. Her laptop was gone. Her purse, gone. He’d stuck his head into various conference rooms, searching for her, and then he’d seen her slip into the elevator. He’d run down the hall and pressed at the buttons, but he’d just missed her.
He’d missed her in so many ways since she’d kicked him out of her apartment. The past few days she hadn’t answered his calls or texts. He’d gone to her house and knocked on the door so long the people upstairs had come outside and stared at him over the balcony. When they found themselves in the hall together, she’d abruptly turned around, and he’d caught just a whiff of her shampoo in her place.
When the next elevator came, he got off on the ground floor and searched the lobby for her, his heart racing. He had to tell her. He had to give her the news. But what he saw shocked him.
Some asshole was hugging her outside their office building. The way that guy was looking at her told Rishi that he wasn’t just a friend. Friends didn’t undress other friends with their eyes. Friends didn’t let their fingers linger on one another’s arms. She got in the car with him. They drove off together. Who was he?
Sickness pooled in his stomach as his gaze followed the car out to the main road. The thought of her even having dinner with another guy ignited a blazing jealousy inside him. A fire that leaped up, burning into his arms, his hands, and forming fists and making him want to hit something.
Maybe that guy. If only he knew where they were going.
But who was he kidding?
He’d seriously fucked up. Keeping Emma out of his family drama had not been the right thing to do. Hiding his intentions from his parents had not been the right thing to do. He should have known that. Rishi couldn’t hide his real life from his parents forever, and doing so had potentially ruined the one thing he’d ever had that was real. That moment when she’d kicked him out of her house, and each time since when she’d refused his calls or didn’t reply to his texts, he’d felt it inside. Each rejection felt like a shot, piercing the skin and lodging itself in the wound. Now he’d been pummeled with them, and he knew what absolute pain felt like.
She could have been helping him this entire time to think of a better solution, coming up with a plan that would save him from the feeling of falling apart. Like he’d lost it all. Everything.
Was she feeling it too?
He knew what was between them. He’d have to trust his gut on this. He’d never be able to just forget her. His parents could throw a thousand beautiful, appropriate women at him, and he’d still be comparing each one to Emma.
Maybe it had looked bad when he’d tried to tell her his family had arranged a marriage, but he’d never gotten out the most important words: Help me stop it.
His palms pushed at his eyes. This was all his fault because he’d believed he needed to shield her from the truth. He’d been shielding everyone from the truth, and the end result was now the worst fate he could imagine. His life, built up like walls of lies around him, was a total mockery. He’d been trying to be someone he wasn’t, all in the name of protecting the people closest to him. Protecting his parents from knowing the truth about what he wanted. Protecting them from the reality of Sudhar and his family. Protecting Emma from the reality of his life. Just because he didn’t want them to suffer. And now he was the one who was truly suffering. After all, it was his life to live. Not theirs.
And now it might be too late. But he couldn’t let her fall for some other guy.
She’d said that his parents had to stop the marriage, and that they had to stop looking for someone before they could be together. And he needed to prove it to her.
He had to hurry. He had to go back home.
Rishi took the first train to Madurai that night. As soon as he’d collapsed on the seat, he emailed Jas to tell him he couldn’t be in on Friday because of a family emergency.
He texted Emma. Maybe at least a few words from him would make her remember what they had. And if she felt even a hundredth of what he did, maybe it would be some kind of consolation. Even if she didn’t respond, he hoped that it would at least make an impact until he could truly make things right.
It was early morning when the train arrived in Madurai. The auto pulled up to his house, which still looked shut up from the night before. He paid the driver before walking up the stairs to the porch and pressing gently on the front door. It didn’t move; no one had come out yet. He’d have to wake his sister up on his own. She was the only one who could help him.
Rishi didn’t even need the coffee he’d grabbed at the station. Energy fueled his system. Nervousness prickled his skin. So many thoughts blew through his mind. His mother’s heart. His father’s job. Radhika’s pride. His parents’ dreams for him and his sister.
But did he really need to worry about Radhika? She was beautiful, smart, had a good job—she would find someone perfect for her. Rishi just had to let her know. He had to be honest with her too.
He walked around the side of the house to his sister’s bedroom window. Luckily his parents’ room was on the other side. He knocked and loudly whispered, “Dharini, wake up. It’s Rishi.” Nothing. He tapped at the glass again. Then the iron of the locks rattled.
An eye appeared through a slat in the shutters, his sister’s narrowed eye. She undid the lock and opened the window. “What are you doing here?”
“I need to talk to you.”
“We have a front door,” she said, her hand on her hip. “I thought you were a ghost or a burglar.”
“It’s six a.m. A little late for ghosts and burglars.”
She rolled her eyes. “I’ll let you in.”
“Don’t wake Mom and Dad.”
Dharini waved behind her, and he tiptoed to the front porch, where she was already holding the door open. “Can we sit out here?” he asked.
“What’s happening?” Her voice was still stuck in the fo
g of sleep as she collapsed on the bench. “You didn’t even bring me coffee?”
“I’ll make you coffee, but first hear me out.” He sat down beside her and took a deep breath. “I need help with Mom and Dad. I don’t think I should marry Radhika. In fact, I want them to stop looking for some time. But a lot of this has to do with you, so I want to explain myself and get your opinion.”
“What?” She rubbed at her eyes.
“You’re old enough now; you know that not everything works the way it’s supposed to. Shit happens all the time. In fact, I’m not even a vegetarian.” It was like admitting he ran over puppies for sport—that’s how guilty he felt.
“Really? You eat meat?” That seemed to have woken her up.
“I also think I’m in love with an American girl. Who is not Indian. She’s white and has red hair and green eyes.”
Dharini shook her head and held out her arm.
“What?” he asked, looking at it.
“Pinch me. I feel like I’m in a dream, and they say you need to get pinched to know if you’re sleeping or awake.”
“Seriously?” He pinched her, and she jerked her arm back.
“Ow!”
“You said to pinch you, sis. Anyway, this is not a dream. This is my life. And I’ve been hiding it from all of you because you want to get married, and Mom and Dad are afraid that if I’m not married, you won’t be able to find a good husband. I mean, I’m also afraid of this.”
Dharini leaned into the bench and stared out into the street. “Okay. So you don’t want to marry Radhika. Maybe you want to marry an American. But you’re almost engaged because of me?”
“Yes. Pretty much. Also, something else I’ve been hiding from you. The whole family has actually been hiding from you. I’ve been talking to Sudhar. He has a daughter. Her name is Sejal.”
“What?” This seemed to have gotten the biggest reaction from her. “I have a niece?”
“Yes.” He pulled out his phone and showed her the pictures Sudhar had texted him. “Look, she has our eyes.”
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