Starting Over

by Erin Cristofoli

  I wrapped my arms tightly around her and sighed. “I hope so.”

  I sat in the very room that Kate and I had started in, wondering if that fact would register with her. Blue Velvet had found new meaning for me since she had stepped foot in it. It was no longer just a venue to go to spend my seed with whoever presented themselves to me looking for a partner. No, it had become a way to explore Kate and her needs, where I could expose her to her sensual, more submissive side. Maybe it had also become a way to further explore my needs, as well.

  Would this be the last time I stepped foot in here? I was pretty sure I would have no further interest in the club if Kate wasn’t sharing it with me. I wanted to scream, the air closing in around me, so completely lost and frustrated and scared shitless.

  At precisely eight o’clock, a tiny knock on the door alerted me to Kate’s arrival.

  “Come in,” I stated in voice that shook from my nerves.

  The door opened slowly, just wide enough to allow her to slip into the room. She looked beautiful, as always, this time showing off her stunning curves in a charcoal grey mini dress with a low-scooped neckline. Her eyes flicked between mine and the floor; she looked uncomfortable. I didn’t like seeing her like that.

  “Punctual as ever, Kate. I like that. You are looking as beautiful as ever.” I took a step toward her, but she quickly stepped back.

  “Uh, Sir, I only came here tonight to talk to you.”

  I stopped in my tracks. “You wanted to talk? Come, Kate, let’s sit down so we can be more comfortable. Here, let me take your coat, and take off those shoes while you are at it,” I told her, reaching for her as she passed by. Her coat slipped down, my hands barely skimming her shoulders. Kate paused and I took the opportunity to wrap my hand around hers. I felt her flinch at the contact, but she didn’t fight me. I led her to the bed, sure she didn’t want things to move there, but I figured I had nothing to lose. Maybe I could work her to her submissive state; she might be more amenable to a calm reaction to the exposure of my secrets.

  “Let’s sit here. You look quite tense, Kate. I think a massage is the perfect solution, don’t you think?” I didn’t wait for her to answer. Sitting down behind her, I slowly unzipped her dress. I could hear her breathing becoming ragged. Next, I slid her bra straps over her shoulders, trapping her arms to her sides. “So, Kate, you wanted to talk about something?”

  She paused, her head resting on my shoulder, my hands working their magic on her. I could only hope this would be enough. “I... uh...” She let out a soft sigh before continuing. “I needed to talk about us. That feels so good.”

  I leaned in to her, my mouth resting at her ear. My tongue darted out, and I caught her lobe with my teeth. She moaned lightly, my dick stiffening at the sound. No. I needed her to know. I wouldn’t take advantage any more than I already had.

  “Talk Kate,” I ordered her.

  “Yes, uh… well then, you should probably stop doing that.”

  I laughed softly, still leaning against her, waiting for further information. She distanced herself, shifted over and turned around, but her eyes still didn’t meet my own.

  “I have thought a lot about our situation, and I really think that maybe we should end this between us.”

  I reached over and lifted her chin with my finger until she was looking me in the eyes. I could see a sadness there, and I ached to comfort her.” Why would you want to do that?” I asked her.

  She looked at me nervously for a moment before answering. “I want more,” she said quietly. “I remember what you said, so don’t worry. You were quite clear from the beginning. You promised me no future, just plenty of pleasure, and you have definitely given that to me. I respect your wishes to have no strings attached, but I can’t help but wonder what else there might be out there for me.”

  “You are unsatisfied in our arrangement.”

  “It’s not that I am unsatisfied.” She sighed, struggling for what to say. “It’s just that there is someone who has recently come into my life… okay, well, not recently exactly, but recently in the personal sense, and I don’t want to ever be the type of woman who strings someone along. I can’t start down a path of seeing where something leads if I am already on a different path. It would feel like cheating. Does that even make sense?” she asked, running her fingers through her hair.

  I had to admit, I hadn’t exactly been expecting that admission from her, but it warmed my heart and gave me a little extra hope.

  “Kate, there is actually something I need to say, as well. It’s the hardest thing I have ever had to say, and I hope you will keep an open mind.”

  She looked up at me quizzically before nodding slowly. I stood and walked over to the door, my back to her as I hesitantly removed the mask from my face. I took a deep breath and slowly turned around to face her.

  Kate took a moment to register what was happening, and then I saw it; a look of complete horror crossed her face. “Oh my God...”

  Shit! How could I possibly fix this? “Kate, there is so much I need to explain....”

  “Oh my God,” I whispered over and over in disbelief.

  “Kate, there is so much I need to explain...”

  I stood and stepped further away from him. I would have immediately bolted right then and there, but he had strategically placed himself in front of the only exit. Bastard! “No, no, no, no, no... Not again.” The blood drained from my face, and my stomach turned, making me feel like I was going to throw up. I backed as far away from him as I could, gasping for each breath, my head starting to spin.

  He started to approach me, his hands up, like I was going to shoot him. “Kate...”

  “No!” I screeched at him. “Don’t you touch me, you bastard! Just tell me one thing. Was I part of a really sick joke to you, just so you could see how far you could use me, manipulate me? Oh, God, I can’t believe I fell for all this shit after everything I went through back home! I trusted you! I told you everything! I need to get out of here.” I hurriedly fixed my bra and dress to their rightful places before I looked up at him and shuddered visibly, disgusted. I couldn’t believe I had let him touch me!

  “That’s not what is going on here. I promise. Please, let me explain,” he pleaded.

  I shook my head frantically. “I don’t want to hear anything you have to say!” Where the hell was my coat?

  “Please,” he implored again.

  “Why the hell should I trust anything you say now? You have lied to me and used me for months! And you didn’t think, just once in all that time, that maybe you should tell me?”

  “Of course I knew I should have told you, but I knew you would freak out like this.”

  “A clear indication that there is something seriously fucked up with all this!”

  Ben’s face paled. “Please, Kate. I met you at the club by accident. I wasn’t even looking for a hook-up. I was there as a favor to Liam that night, but you were just so captivating. You have to understand, I was only looking for sex, and at first, I thought that one additional masked meeting would be enough to cure my desire for you, but it wasn’t. I am no longer the same man you met at the club. You made me realize I want more.”

  I shook my head, not wanting to hear anymore of his bullshit. “You are a fucking liar, you asshole! Stupidly, I was beginning to think that maybe you were different. But you aren’t.” Tears welled up and started to roll down my face. Shit, I didn’t want to cry in front of him. Ben grabbed my arm to pull me to him, his touch burning me with the heat of betrayal. “Get your hands off me, you bastard, or I will scream like you have never heard before.” I yanked my arm away and reached for my shoes on the floor. After leaning against the wall to slip into them, I was then ready to get the fuck out of this hell I had been placed in.

  “I trusted you, and you used that to your advantage. You betrayed me. I should have known better than to let my guard down again. I hate you, Benjamin Hyde. You can go to hell!”

  I ran from the room and quickly o
ut of the club. A cab was there and zipped me off toward Jen’s house. I desperately needed a shoulder to cry on, and one of my two best friends had just deceived me so deeply, I didn’t have many options. One thing was sure; I never wanted to see him again.

  I got to Jen’s, and with a horrified look on her face when she saw me, she ushered me into the apartment.

  “What the hell happened to you, babe?” she asked as we sunk together onto the couch.

  “Hell is exactly what happened,” I replied bitterly.

  Jen bounced up and headed for the kitchen. “This sounds very much like a bottle or five of wine is necessary.”

  “Got anything stronger?” I usually never drank the hard stuff, but tonight would definitely warrant it.

  Jen returned with an armful of bottles and two tumblers, handing one to me. “I’ve got some rum, vodka, scotch, and whatever this is,” she said, eyeing one of the bottles. “Here, we’ll start with scotch and see where we end up. All right, so tell me what happened.”

  I downed a large mouthful before starting, the golden liquid burning my throat. “Okay, well, I went tonight to end it with Sir. Things had been going so well with Ben, so it didn’t seem right to be carrying on with another man, especially not one that didn’t want anything more with me. Well, I went, and it turns out that I’ve been sleeping with Ben all along.” I took another big gulp of scotch and waited for Jen’s outburst, but she sat quietly.

  “I’m not sure why you were expecting a different reaction, babe. I already knew you were sleeping with Ben,” she said with a shrug.

  “No, no, no... You don’t get it. Ben is Sir. Sir is Ben!” Tears threatened to start falling once again.

  Jen’s eyes almost popped out of her head. “Oh my God! No way! You had no idea?”

  I shook my head sadly and reached for my glass again. “Everything is ruined. I feel so betrayed.” The tears could no longer be held back. Loud sobs ripped through my chest as Jen held on to me tightly. There was never a moment that I wasn’t grateful for Jen, but I would have been lost without her just then.

  After a while, I had managed to calm down a little, when a thought crossed my mind. “Oh, God, Jen, what am I going to do about a job? I don’t know if I can go back there and face him.”

  Jen hushed me. “The only thing you need to do right now is march in my bedroom and get changed. Everything else can be figured out later. You are going to stay here tonight, so you might as well be comfy. You know where everything is.”

  I made my way to her room and rummaged through her drawers, pulling out some yoga pants and an oversized t-shirt. Mid change, there was banging on the door. Oh shit. That could only have been Ben.

  I stupidly strained to hear what was being said, though I couldn’t hear them well. Jen’s voice was firm and pissed, that I could tell, and Ben merely mumbled in return. What did I care, really? Ben was an ass and I was done with him.

  I sat back on Jen’s bed, feeling defeated. My heart hurt thinking about never seeing Ben again. He was one if my best friends, and I loved spending time with him. Never mind the fact that we worked well together. But it wasn’t just the time I loved – it was the man. I don’t know when it happened, but I wished it hadn’t. It would have made things so much easier. I laid back and stared at the ceiling. Why didn’t he just tell me when he found out?

  My head was beginning to spin from the liquor consumption. The bedroom door opened and Jen sat down beside me. “You all right, Kate?”

  “Uh, yeah, I think I need to sleep. The liquor has just taken effect.”

  “Lightweight.” Jen laughed.

  I smiled back weakly. “Yup. Was that Ben just now?”

  Jen nodded. “Yeah, I told him to get lost. We’ll talk about it all tomorrow. You climb the rest of the way into bed and get some rest.”

  I followed her orders. “Thanks, Jen, for everything tonight.”

  “Always. Night hun.”

  Liquor induced sleep hit me hard. If only it had been able to stop me from dreaming of Ben...

  Kate rushed out of the club faster than I had ever seen anyone move. Panic immediately set it. I was a fucking moron. I ran after her, making it outside just in time to catch a glimpse of her being whisked off in a cab. I called my driver and sped off after her, making it to her apartment in minutes, though it felt like hours. I had to fix this, but I had no idea how I was going to be able to do that. As I stood there, banging on her door, I realized that acting like an irrational idiot would probably not being the best approach. Taking a deep breath, I knocked more sensibly.

  “Kate? Please, I just need to speak to you. I need to try to explain. I know I am an idiot, but please, give me just one chance to explain.”

  Nothing.

  I leaned against the door and listened.

  Nothing.

  She must not have come home. But where else would she have gone? A light bulb in my head lit up. Jen’s place.

  I rushed back downstairs. “Do you remember where her friend’s place is?” I asked urgently. When my driver nodded, we got back in the car and again sped off. A nervous twitch started in my leg. I needed Kate. How could I make her see that?

  The car pulled up to the curb, and I rushed out and up to Jen’s apartment. I knew I wasn’t going to get a warm reception, and I couldn’t blame them; I deserved everything I got. Still, I knocked on the door.

  Jen immediately greeted me with a glare that could kill. “You have some nerve standing here right now.”

  I hung my head. “I know, Jen, and I’m sorry. I had to find Kate to make sure she is all right. I need to talk to her, to explain, to try to fix this.”

  “You want my advice, Ben? Leave her alone. You don’t deserve any more of her, if you ask me.”

  She moved to close the door on me; desperately I held up my hand to stop the door’s progress.

  “Please,” I begged desperately. “She means more to me than I can possibly express. I can’t lose her.”

  She shook her head at me. “You have one hell of a way of showing it. I don’t even know why I am wasting my breath on you.”

  “Let me explain it to you then.” I’d try anything. Maybe if I could get Jen to understand, I would have a chance with Kate.

  Jen glanced back over her shoulder for a moment. “Now is not the time for that, not that I’m even agreeing to humor you at all. But Kate is hurting pretty badly right now, and she needs time to calm down. So, I’ll tell you what you are going to do. You are going to give her a week off from work, no questions asked. You will pay her for the week, so she doesn’t have to worry about losing money, and then she can decide what she wants to do. Now, get out of here. Go home, Ben.”

  I reached into my pocket and gave her my card. “I hope you give me that chance to explain, Jen. I know I’m an idiot, but I would do anything for Kate, anything. Please call me.”

  She took the card with a nod and shut the door, leaving me pathetically in the hallway.

  The drive home was long and dreary; my apartment was no better. I poured a dangerously large glass of scotch and stood stoically by the window, the city alive with energy, my heart feeling quite the opposite. My glass drained easily, and absently, I poured another.

  I’d lost her.

  Pain ripped through my chest, and I dropped to my knees in defeat. I’d lost her, and it was all because I was too fucking damaged to see what was in front of me from the start. Why the hell hadn’t I just told her? Because maybe she never would have given me a chance.

  One tear fell from my eye, then another. I needed her in my life; she made it better in so many ways. She had awakened me from my misery and shown me that there was hope for me still. I looked forward to every moment I got to spend with her; I craved it. But all of that was over now. I had gone and fucked up so badly. Roxanne had only been a blip on the scale of the misery I had inflicted upon myself with Kate.

  I drained my glass and reached for the bottle again. It was going to be a long night, and there was not nea
rly enough liquor in the house to drown out the sorrow.

  There was nothing I hated more than early mornings, but this particular morning was going to have to be an exception. I was up and ready to go way earlier than usual. I slipped out to grab coffee and donuts from down the street, and returned to a quiet apartment. Kate must have still been asleep.

  Twenty minutes later, I heard rustling from my room, and then Kate shuffled to join me in the kitchen, looking like she had been hit by a bus. Her shoulders were slumped forward, and her downward cast eyes were red and puffy. Had she been crying already this morning?

  “Hey, sleepyhead.” I tried to sound nonchalant, but it came out sounding strained. I really was shitty at all this emotional crap. Seeing Kate like this pissed me off. Before, when she had been beaten down back home, I’d been there for her, and I really hated to see the same damn look on her face again. What I really wanted to do was pay a visit to Ben and give him a good swift kick in the ass.

  “Morning. Thanks for letting me crash last night.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Puh-leeze. Woman, there was nowhere else I would have let you be. Besides, you were pretty toasted. Not sure you would have even remembered where home was. Coffee? Sugary deliciousness?”

  Kate eyed the donuts but just grabbed the coffee I held for her. “Thanks.” She made her way to my couch and curled up there. “You’re up early,” she observed.

  “Yeah, well, I know you’re always up crazy early, and I didn’t want you heading home on me because I have today all planned for us.” Kate started to protest, but I held up my hand. “Nuh uh, I don’t want to hear any excuses. As I was saying, I have today planned. We are going to have a much-needed girls’ day. I guessed that you wouldn’t exactly feel like going out anywhere, so I thought we could start with some pampering. We can do facials, and a mani/pedi is a must. I know you can’t paint your nails for shit, so I am going to take the opportunity to intervene. Then we are going to curl up and watch movies all day long, eat all kinds of junk food, and nap in between all of that. For dinner, we will order whatever you like, and we’ll pig out some more. Oh, and before you try to fight me on it, it’s too late. I won’t take no for an answer.”