Starting Over

by Erin Cristofoli

  I nodded. Man, she was acting weird.

  Jen returned just as my phone started to ring. “Who is it?” she asked, leaning over to take a peek. “Ah.”

  Ben’s number displayed, and my palms began to sweat. This was his first attempt to contact me, and it had me disoriented and nervous. I couldn’t bring myself to answer the phone, but it just kept ringing.

  “Kate, honey, you are going to have to answer eventually. Might as well be now.” She forced the phone in my hand and pressed the daunting green button on the screen before I could protest. I slowly raised the phone to my ear. Hearing his voice was going to hurt.

  “Hello?” I uttered softly.

  “Kate?” Yup, exactly as I thought; his voice pierced through me like bolt of lightning. “Look, Kate, I know I agreed with Jen to give you some space, but I need you.”

  I squeezed my eyes shut. “Ben, I can’t even talk to you about any of that right now. I’m not ready.”

  “No, I understand that. I meant, I need you regarding some work matters, if you don’t mind too much. It won’t take long.”

  I let out the breath I had been holding. “Okay, what do you need?” I inquired.

  “Funny thing is that since you came into my life, I can’t seem to make this office function without you. I have been searching for hours, looking for the file with the extensive statistical information you put together for Mr. Allen’s account. Would you be able to help me locate it?”

  I frowned. Was that really why he called? He wasn’t even going to try to fight for what we had? “Yes, of course. The file you are looking for should be in the bottom right side of my desk.”

  I heard rustling and then the drawer he had been in shutting. “Thank you so much.” I could hear the smile he was sporting in his voice.

  “You’re welcome. Is there anything else?”

  He cleared his voice. “Actually, uh, I needed to talk to you about one more thing. So, as you know, Mr. Allen is quite fond of you, as is Mrs. Allen. They have asked about you every single time we have spoken, and originally, you were scheduled to join me at that meeting, as I am sure you remember. As things are now, I would imagine that you had probably planned to avoid me at all cost, but I was hoping you might change your mind.”

  My mouth dropped opened, stunned. “Why would I consider that?”

  He sighed sadly. “Look, I know I screwed up, okay. I know. But the truth of the matter is that, regarding this account, the only reason we are getting it at all is because of you. You worked your magic on the Allens, and I am pretty sure they are going to inquire about your whereabouts. If I tell them that I have lost you as my assistant, they will be extremely disappointed. I wouldn’t be surprised if the account is lost on that alone. I know it’s unfair to expect you to care whether or not I get the account, but I’m asking anyway because it’s not just good for me, but for the company, too. Please, Kate, consider coming with me to the presentation on Monday morning.”

  “I don’t know…” My mind was such a jumble of thoughts and emotions. Would I be able to handle a lengthy car ride both there and back? Would I be able to pretend enough to appease the Allens?

  “I’m not asking for anything more than to just be there. I don’t expect you to come back in to work before then. I promised time, and that I will give you, but please say yes, Kate.”

  I sighed. My mind and my heart were raging war between them. I didn’t want the loss of account to be my shoulders, but Ben… “I need to think about this for a little bit.”

  “All right.”

  “I’ll text you later.” I dropped the phone on the coffee table and leaned back, eyes closed, head resting on the back of the couch.

  “What are you afraid of?” Jen’s voice broke the silence.

  “Everything.” I exhaled.

  “Well, I think you should go. If nothing else, you can show him that he didn’t break you.”

  “But he did.”

  Jen waved her hand at me. “Doesn’t matter. You get all done up and show him that he was an idiot to lose you. Trust me, I have done that a time or two. It will do wonders for you.”

  I laughed. “You are ridiculous.”

  “Maybe,” she acknowledged, “but I still think you should do it. Besides, keeping contact with the client might not be a bad thing. Maybe they have some contacts for you if you are quitting your job.”

  I nodded. That was definitely a good point. “Okay.” I reached for my phone and quickly typed a response to Ben, requesting the meeting details. My phone almost immediately notified me of Ben’s response.

  “So, Monday at nine am it is then. God, I’m screwed,” I muttered to myself.

  Jen laughed at me. “You’ll survive, babe.”

  I gave her a withering glance. “We’ll readdress this topic again at your place Monday night to confirm that, and you should probably make sure to have some really great wine.”

  “Deal,” Jen replied with a grin.

  The three hour power point presentation and hashing out of details had finally concluded. Someone flicked on the lights. I had actually been more comfortable in the darkness; it had blanketed me, made me feel safe. The light meant that cocoon had been ripped away, leaving me feeling naked. I knew that all eyes could and would at some point probably be on me. That started with Ben as I glanced up to find him watching me. I quickly averted my eyes and focused on the pen I was twisting in my hands.

  “That was a great presentation, Mr. Hyde. Thank you for all your hard work and dedication toward our company. I think I can say without any hesitation that I picked the right man for the job.” Mr. Allen stood and shook Ben’s hand.

  The smile that grew on Ben’s lips was breathtaking. It took every bit of my willpower to not stare at his lips. I had to put on a good face and not ogle his.

  “Thank you very much, Mr. Allen. I could not have put this all together had it not been for Kate, of course.”

  And bam, all eyes were on me. “Oh, I can’t take any credit for this,” I quickly refuted. “I just helped gather some statistics, really.”

  “I think you give yourself far too little credit, young lady. I know how many hours you have put into this. In face, Ben sang your praises on many occasions,” Mr. Allen interjected. “All right, gentlemen,” he told his team, “I think we have seen enough.” Turning back to Ben, he said, “I expect the contracts to be sent my way as soon as you can.”

  Ben nodded. “Absolutely. As soon as I get back into the city, my group will get the ball rolling.”

  “Perfect. All right, everyone, thank for your time,” Mr. Allen stated, concluding the meeting. The room cleared of all but the three of us then. Mr. Allen turned to me. “So tell me, Kate, how have you been? What have you been keeping busy with?”

  Before I had a chance to respond, there was a tap on the door and Mrs. Allen joined us in the room. “I’m sorry to interrupt, but I couldn’t pass up a chance to say hello to Kate.” Mrs. Allen smiled broadly.

  I returned the smile warmly. The Allens were probably two of the kindest people I had come across, and it was refreshing being in their company. “It’s lovely to see you again, Mrs. Allen. I was just telling your husband that work keeps me pretty busy, and that I haven’t had time for much else.”

  She seemed to study me for a moment, unsettling me. “I hope Mr. Hyde isn’t working you too hard. You look a little pale. Have you been feeling under the weather?”

  I smiled back, trying to reassure her that my look wasn’t completely due to being in the presence of Ben. “No, no, I’m fine. It’s just been a long morning.”

  “Oh, of course!” Mrs. Allen wrapped her around my shoulders. “Is the business all sorted, darling?” she asked Mr. Allen.

  Mr. Allen smiled lovingly at his wife. “Yes, dear. We really should let these two youngsters get on home. We will book a dinner for the four of us the next time my wife and I are in town,” Mr. Allen directed at Ben.

  “It was lovely to see you both again,” I stated.r />
  We exchanged our goodbyes and headed for the car.

  The mood around us immediately changed as we began our trip back to the city. We could no longer hide under the guise of work. My heart sank. I had really hoped that after all the many hours of early mornings and late nights for both of us, and then finally, the accomplishment of landing the account, that there would be some monumental celebrating between us. Instead, I was faced with only silence.

  Kate sat beside me, arms folded tight against her chest, her body leaned against the window. I assumed it was so she could be as far from me as possible in the confined space. I had no idea how I was going to find the words to apologize when the evidence right in front of me indicated it was a lost cause. What could I do that would make this situation anything but what it had become? The only thing I was sure of was that if I didn’t do something, I wasn’t going to get another chance. I would lose her forever, and not just as a lover but as an employee, as well. I shuddered at the thought.

  My life had changed so dramatically since the night she bumped into me on those stairs, and again when she had come into my office on her first day. I just needed a solid chance to explain, and doing it while driving wouldn’t cut it.

  I noticed that the cutoff to my parents’ place was coming up, and I decided to take the chance. Something had changed with us there. Maybe it was just the place to have things change for us again, but this time for the better.

  Just before we reached my family’s home, I veered off the main paved road to a dirt one. This road was surrounded by forest and sporadic open fields, an area I knew like the back of my hand. Kate looked around, shocked at the unexpected turn of events.

  “Where are we going?” she asked anxiously.

  “We have to make a quick detour.”

  “Ben, I didn’t agree to a detour. I want this trip to be over already. Please take me back to the city,” she growled at me.

  I shook my head, and after another moment, turned the car down a quiet, long dirt road, eventually pulling up to the front of the old barn I had once taken her to over the Christmas holiday. She looked out the window. As realization of where we were hit her, she squirmed in her seat.

  It was now or never. “Kate, please,” I pleaded with her. “Just give me a few minutes. Even if you still choose to not forgive me, please hear me out. I have so much explaining to do, I know, but you won’t give me a chance.”

  “That’s because I don’t want to hear anything you have to say, Mr. Hyde. It’s simple. You played me. I was some sort of a game, a conquest. I opened up to you, and you used me. God only knows who you have told. I am humiliated enough without all this now. Take me back to the city, damn it!”

  I ran my hands through my hair in frustration. “No, it’s not that simple! I had no intention of hurting you. And I haven’t told anyone about us, except for my friend Liam, and even then, I’ve not told him any dirty details. I trust him with my life. He would never betray my belief in him. Christ, Kate, you have this all wrong!”

  I watched Kate remove her seat belt, and I could see the tears welling up in her eyes. Seeing her like that was like a stab in the gut. I knew how badly she had been hurt in the past, and I didn’t want to be the person to crush her like that again.

  “You know what? I’ve had enough of this!” she yelled at me. “Leave me alone!” Kate ran from the car and around the side of the barn, disappearing.

  ‘Your dominant side had better not waste the chance.’ Jen’s words rang through my head. I threw open the door and gave chase. There was no way I was going to leave her alone now when there was so much left to say, and I was going to make sure she heard me.

  It didn’t take me long to find her standing beside the pond with her back to me. I wanted so badly to go up and wrap my arms around her, like the many times I had enjoyed doing just that before, but I feared she would run again. While I expressed everything that had hit me quite suddenly since I’d met her, I was better off giving her a little space. I just hoped that she would allow herself to listen.

  Her head turned slightly toward me as I approached. “I have nothing left to say, Ben,” she muttered.

  “You have had your turn, Kate. Let me tell you how it’s going to go now. You are going to stand there and let me finish, because we aren’t going to go anywhere until you do.” I showed her the keys and the stuffed them deep into my pocket. “Understand?”

  Her pupils dilated, and her breathing hitched. Perfect.

  “When I met you at the club, I had no intention of seeing you again. Hell, I told you right up front just that. I don’t know what it was that made me ignore my own rules. Maybe it was when you guessed I was a dominant and didn’t run. I just knew I wanted to see you again. I stressed again my lack of desire for commitment, and yet you still stayed.

  “I’ve had these rules for myself for so long, to protect myself. It was the only way I coped. It still stings to think about Roxanne, you know? I loved her, Kate, and she broke my heart into tiny pieces, but the worst part was that she enjoyed doing it. I swore that I would never open myself up to that hurt again. But then, there you were that night, dancing as if you were doing it just for me. And our little adventure in the coat-check? It was hot as hell. I’ve never had an experience where I didn’t get off, too. It was frustrating, but also refreshing. I wanted a second encounter, just so I could see if round two would be as hot as the first, and to get you out of my system.”

  Kate turned, and I could see she was about to start on some rant that she had cooked up in her head, but I put my hand up to stop her.

  “I’m not finished. You are going to hear me through. As I was saying, I wanted to get you out of my system. Monday rolled around, and you showed up looking drop-dead fucking gorgeous. I had an instant hard-on just looking at your legs. I didn’t recognize you at first because of those masks we wore, but when you turned away from me, I saw your tattoo. I was stunned and even more turned on by the fact that I would be working with you, as well as hopefully getting the chance to fuck you at the club. Of course, then you walked in on me in the washroom. That hard-on was for you, by the way. I was trying so hard not to make it personal with you, but you looked at my cock, and God, I wanted to take you right there.

  “When we finally went to Blue Velvet for the first time, again, I had no intention of taking it past that night. I knew you were against us being involved with our work relationship. When I found out about all you went through back home, in a twisted way, I wanted to respect your wishes. I know what I did was selfish, and I’m sorry for that. But the whole experience of you being there at the club with me was such a turn on. The way you whispered yes that night, I immediately wanted more. None of what happened that night was a lie. None of that was fake. The sex was probably the best I had ever had. You gave me so much that night, none of which I can bring myself to regret. I began to realize pretty early on that you were starting to mean more to me, but I was in denial. Fuck that, I was scared shitless.

  “We have been together every bloody day and most nights, too. I have been so grateful that you sleep as little as I do. You keep me company and make me laugh, and you’ve opened up to me and let me in to know you, and you know I’ve done that with you, too. I couldn’t tell you, Kate. I couldn’t let you find out, because I knew that when you did, it would be over, and I wasn’t ready for it to be. And then the other night happened – no masks, no secrets. It was everything I had hoped it would be for quite a while now. Just me and you with nothing between us. It was easily the most incredible night I’ve had in my whole life. Even when you freaked and ran, I knew I had to tell you the truth. I owed it to you to be honest.

  “You deserve a man who never lies to you. I know that. Now that you do know, it’s exactly as I’ve feared it would be. You hate me, but can you deny that what we had was something special? Can you deny that you felt something for me, too? It wasn’t a game for me, Kate. For the first time in a very long time, I felt emotions I thought I would never feel
again. It scared the hell out of me.”

  I took a step toward her, and she responded with a step back; except, she was already at the edge of the water, and when she stepped back, her footing began to slip. She let out a yelp, and as she tipped backwards, I snatched her up tightly in my arms. I chuckled in spite of myself.

  “Just like the night we met. Saving you from falling down those stairs was the best thing I ever did.”

  Kate struggled against me, giving in after a moment, realizing her resistance was futile. “All that you’ve said to me is all well and good for you, Ben, but you still lied to me. You betrayed my trust. You’re only saying this because you want a fuck buddy.” Kate looked out toward the pond, and I could see the tears again welling up in her eyes.

  I grabbed her chin and lifted so she was looking into my eyes. “No more hiding, Kate. I’m saying all this because I have fallen crazily head-over-heels in love with you, and the idea of losing you kills me inside. I need you like I need air. You’ve become so much more to me than I initially wanted, and more than I realized I needed. The truth of it all is that I love you.” I paused for a moment to let that sink in with her. “Please forgive me, Kate, and tell me that you love me, too. I would do anything for you, Kate. I’d even give up Blue Velvet if you asked me to.”

  Her eyes fell to look back out to the pond while she thought. We stood like that, my arms wrapped around Kate’s waist, for what seemed like forever. It was torture waiting to see what she would say, but the fact that she hadn’t yet pulled away from me gave me hope.

  She sighed quietly and finally looked back up to meet my eyes, and I froze in fear. “I love you, too,” Kate whispered quietly, tears trickling down her cheeks.

  It was all I needed to hear before my lips found hers in a gentle but determined kiss. This one was different from all the kisses that we had shared before; in it I poured all of my emotion and love for her, wanting her to feel for the first time how I really felt. She wrapped her arms around my neck and returned the kiss with fervor. My tongue darted out and met hers, teasing as I ran it along her upper lip. She moaned as our tongues swirled together, both of us holding on to each other for dear life.