Awkwafina's NYC
Page 6
There’s nothing like feeling victimized by someone who isn’t even awake while they’re torturing you. The See-Saw Sleeper is someone who falls asleep and slowly but hazardously drifts from side to side. The human body is quite fascinating, however, as whenever the sleeper drifts too far, he abruptly awakens. When you’re sitting next to the perpetrator, this can put you in a very awkward situation. The worst is when he continues to fall asleep, entering into an endless and miserable cycle. It is best addressed by lightly nudging the reckless napper until he is startled to consciousness.
THE METROCARD FAIL
Getting pissed off at this may or may not make you a terrible person. This situation happens when you hear your train pulling into the station and the person in front of you, be it an old lady or a clueless tourist, cannot get her swipe right. One failed swipe is forgivable in my book, but any more than two warrants a ratchet slapping. Get your shit together, Grandma.
THE ACCIDENTAL STINKY
Exotic and foreign scents affect you in incredibly offensive ways on the subway, and while no one is quick to share a twosie with an obviously homeless individual who just soiled himself, sometimes one just can’t avoid the plethora of stenches. Among the most general of these are body odor, cat urine, the unexplainable smell of someone who hoards newspapers and/or birds, an unfathomable cloud of hairspray/cologne/Calgon, body mist, or the assiness of someone who smells as if he just caught a fish and molested it.
THE TWOFER
I’m generally more forgiving if this case involves a morbidly obese and/or an unusually horizontal individual who is physically built to take up two subway seats. The Twofers who anger me most are the ones with a suitcase or a shopping bag, things that are INANIMATE OBJECTS yet GET THEIR OWN SEAT for the ride. In more passive train crowds, the Twofer can go ignored, but in ALMOST ALL train crowds it is addressed. The manner in which it is addressed can go two ways: The more passive would be to just squat like you’re about to sit while catching the perp’s gaze and giving him the death stare until he moves his belongings. The second would be to get all up in her face with some kind of guttural “EXCUSE ME.” This reaction could also be coupled with ferocious jazz hands depending on how much of an asshole you are.
THE LOUD TALKER
This one sucks because no one cares if your boyfriend Sven never called you after you told him you were born with a vestigial tail that you refer to lovingly as “Christopher Robin” and had removed when you turned eighteen in an operation that you saved for by stripping and managing a Petland. I couldn’t give a frick less if your baby mama posts pictures of her leopard-bikini-clad body on Instagram for your mother and relatives to see. I don’t need to know if the fungus will ever come out of dormancy and force you to wear a shoe size bigger. All I know is that you’re saying mad-loud words into my ear hole, and I’m remembering every single detail of it against my will.
THE LITTLE MONSTERS
Now, I don’t want to sound like one of those whiny New Yorkers who hate on other people’s children, but seriously, guys … let’s put a leash on them. Really, though, it isn’t my problem that you don’t discipline your children because you’re a holistic idiot of the twenty-first century. It’s not my problem that you accidentally had octuplets and named them all after different kinds of Pokémon. It also isn’t my problem that your five-year-old son is telling you “Fuck off” when you ask him to have a snack. IT IS my problem, however, when your horde of young ones with SEVERE ADHD is crawling onto my upper torso and farting evilly onto a deaf-mute while spinning around the pole until they projectile-vomit onto an entire row of already miserable passengers. This is not an attack on all children. I have spent many a pleasant ride with kids who are mentally stable enough to understand the subway is not a platform for playtime.
THE FOODIE
This is the person who eats liberally. Whatever he is eating is extremely stanky and/or nostril invading. Be it halal food, General Tso’s, a bagel with whitefish, Olive Garden leftovers, durian, or mac and cheese, it almost always makes you want to vomit and/or suffocate before you make a mental note of never eating what he is eating again. On other occasions, it can also suck if you’re incredibly hungry.
THE DOORSTOP
This is when some douchebag plays Hoover Dam with a flood of already flustered passengers during rush hour by refusing to move away from the door while people are trying to get in. On the subway after a long day’s work, people want to either sit or lean awkwardly on things. When all the seats are taken, the second-best position is to stand and lean against the door and the seat divider. It is an ideal and therefore coveted standing situation during rush hour, leading some citizens to act like dicks about it.
THE RELIGIOUS RAMBLER
These are the people who may or may not already be homeless and/or sponsored by any legit religious institutions. They are sometimes deranged and angry, “preaching” (yelling) about some religion while staring at you like they’re about to slap you. They can sometimes also be misfiled as Loud Talkers, the difference being that they are conversing with the entire train against the entire train’s will.
THE ADVENTURE
Welcome to the trippy k-hole that is Flushing—the land where restaurants with a C rating still see lines out the door. Welcome to the dream town where angry elderly Chinese women violently stuff flyers in your face and literally growl at you when you don’t take them with a smile.
HISTORY
Settled as early as the 1600s, Flushing was first called Vlissingen.
Flushing’s first settlers were primarily Quaker. Quakers, at the time, were a religiously oppressed group.
In the twentieth century, Flushing transitioned into a booming commercial center and wealthy commuter suburb.
The neighborhood also played home to RKO Keith’s famous theater, which hosted a number of celebrity-studded vaudeville acts.
In the 1970s a group of Chinese immigrants settled in Flushing, opening the first handful of Chinese businesses.
Flushing is one of the largest ethnic Chinese neighborhoods outside of China—the truest Chinatown in New York City today.
ADVENTURE BACKGROUND
JOIN ME ON A VOYAGE of gold and grime—the new and old Flushing that is a healthy balance of stomach-churning eccentricity, breathtaking history, and mouthwatering deliciousness.
On this walking tour, we will visit a shady-ass eighteen-year-old “mall,” an amazing Chinese bakery, an old-ass church, a place where you can get a Peking duck sandwich for one FUCKING DOLLAR, a decaying and condemned theater where Mickey Rooney probably sharted, a brand-new nouveau riche mother of all Chinese malls with the ballerest food court ever, and, FINALLY, the illest soup-dumpling joint in all of the land (or at least in the five boroughs).
WELCOME TO THE FLUSH
START
Take the 7 train (where you may or may not be accidentally penetrated because it is ridiculously crowded, like, all the time) to Main Street, the last stop.
Exit through the Roosevelt Avenue exit in the Main Street station.
CHECKPOINT 1
CORNER 28 (40-28 Main Street)
From Main Street Station, walk down Main Street toward Fortieth Road.
Corner 28 is at the corner of Main Street and Fortieth Road.
Corner 28 is one of those understated, cash-only food plazas that you can only find in Flushing. It hosts one of the most amazing deals in the entire city, a Peking duck sandwich that costs $1. These can be obtained at the steamy window at the front of the establishment. Here, two angry Chinese ladies will grunt a little while packing a fluffy man tou (Chinese white-bread bun) with slivers of ducky goodness, topped with a sweet teriyaki-like sauce and scallion slices. Peking duck sandwiches are a luxury food item in Chinese cuisine, served in a ritualistic fashion (usually at super-fancy restaurants) originally intended for the emperor of China. At Corner 28, however, all of that tradition is lovingly shat upon. It stands as one of the only places where you can get an emperor’s meal
for FOUR QUARTERS.
Inside, Corner 28 is a bustling mess of deliciousness. On your right is a buffet-style hot-foods counter where you can purchase everything from bok choy and sesame chicken to grilled fish over white rice for under $10. On your left is a duck counter where you can purchase a whole or half duck that is sliced for you.
CHECKPOINT 2
THE NEW WORLD MALL
(4021 Main Street)
Cross Main Street on Fortieth Road.
See main entrance for New World Mall in the middle of the block.
Welcome to the largest indoor mall in New York City as of 2013.
The best way to describe the establishment that is New World is to imagine what a giant American suburban mall would look like had it been born in China. Instead of Aéropostale, you have a place where you can buy a faux-leopard-fur vest with a giant cartoon polar bear as the zipper. Instead of Journeys, you have a place where you can buy a Converse-like sneaker with four feet of gold-sequined rubber platform. Instead of the Sharper Image, you have a deliveryman-moped dealership that also sells holiday ornaments. Instead of the Apple Store, you have the Apple Story—a cell phone accessory store that is definitely not affiliated with Apple.
New World is an immense structure that consists of four stories and an epically suspicious underground parking lot. The most compelling feature is its food court with cuisine from pretty much every region in China. New World also has a giant Chinese supermarket that sells exotic fruits and sea creatures like durian and turtles. On the top floor is a glitzy dim sum emporium/banquet hall.
One thing to know about the clothing shops at New World is that the prices of all items are negotiable.
CHECKPOINT 3
ST. GEORGE’S EPISCOPAL CHURCH
(135-32 Thirty-eighth Avenue)
Cross Main Street from New World Mall.
Walk down Main Street toward Roosevelt Avenue.
Turn left on Thirty-eighth Avenue.
St. George’s Church is a kind of time-warped anchor that sits right in the middle of Main Street. Its eerie Gothic architecture and awkward placement atop an insanely congested intersection is reminiscent of the tune “One of These Things (Is Not Like the Other).” St. George’s is perhaps one of the only buildings on Main Street that has not drastically changed over the years.
St. George’s church and the freaky old-timey graveyard in the back were made a city landmark in 2000. The church was designed by Frank Wills and Henry Dudley and completed in 1854. After the ethnic character of the neighborhood began to change in the 1980s, the church attempted to include and welcome new Chinese and Latin American attendees. A Spanish-speaking vicar and Asian reverend were hired as the church saw new non-English-speaking members.
On September 16, 2010, a weather situation described as a tornado took down the ancient steeple of the church. The restoration and repair of the damaged steeple took three years to complete.
SPOOOOOOOKY!
CHECKPOINT 4
TAI PAN BAKERY
(37-25 Main Street)
Walk back to Main Street on Thirty-eighth Avenue.
Turn left onto Main Street.
Bakeries are an incredibly important aspect of Chinese communities, and the Chinese get pretty freaking ratchet with their baked-good creations. Tai Pan is one of the bakeries that “made it,” with locations popping up all over the city. The Flushing Main Street location, however, is one of the most popular of all.
The Chinese bakery is different from other bakeries in that a very distinct and odd (yet highly functional) system is set in place. Usually, a visor-wearing attendant with plastic gloves will approach you aggressively snapping a metal grabber. As at Denny’s, you are then expected to point violently to what you want. The pastries will have off-putting names that are misleading as to their actual tastes. Such names would include “pineapple bun” and “coconut bun,” pastries that are glazed with a thick and crusty top that is more sugary and buttery than fruity. Another weird-named but incredibly delicious item is the roast pork bun, a glazed golden-brown ball of joy stuffed with sweet chunks of roast pork in an oozy bath of itself. Influenced kind of grossly by American culture, other menu items include hot dog buns, scallion mayonnaise bacon buns, and ham and cheese buns.
CHECKPOINT 5
HONG KONG PLAZA
(37-11 Main Street)
Walk down Main Street toward Thirty-seventh Avenue.
Whoever designed Hong Kong Plaza definitely intended to do something weird. The “plaza” referred to in the name is basically a converted lobby that houses a few random businesses including a T-Mobile dealership, a Shiseido counter, a jewelry shop, and a pharmacy. The gem of Hong Kong Plaza, however, is a crazy Chinese tchotchke and antiques stand toward the back. The dude who works the stand is a solemn, mysteriously wise man from Taiwan who appears to have dumped his massive collection of wares chaotically onto a table. The most amazing thing about his items is that most of them appear extremely old and rare, sort of like the dude from Gremlins who sold mogwai. He sells everything from an outrageous collection of every kind of Buddha head, mala beads, and jade stone jewelry pieces to old-timey lighters and Mao paraphernalia. The main attraction of the building is a massive Hong Kong Supermarket store that is as sterile and well lit as they come.
CHECKPOINT 6
BUSY MALL
(37-12 Main Street)
Cross Main Street from Hong Kong Plaza.
See two separate buildings both called Busy Mall.
Go into the building on the left.
Busy Mall is another kind of Flushing staple. Compared to New World and even Hong Kong Plaza, Busy Mall is a dreary enclave of a shopping center without any extra glam or embellishments. Busy Mall is what it is.
The establishment has stood on Main Street for over eighteen years, with three stores that have been there for over fifteen years: a tiny yet efficient body-piercing stand, a stand where you can buy man things like butterfly knives and pens, and a jewelry store. The other stores come and go in an interesting array of clothing shops, stationery stores, and cell-phone-related businesses.
Whatever your immediate impression of Busy Mall is, it exemplifies a kind of dingy, understated pride that is a characteristic of many stores in the neighborhood.
ENDPOINT 1
NAN XIANG DUMPLING HOUSE
(38-12 Prince Street)
Walk on Main Street toward Thirty-eighth Avenue.
Turn right onto Thirty-eighth Avenue.
Turn left onto Prince Street.
I chose Nan Xiang Dumpling House because, for real, who doesn’t love a soup dumpling? These steamed bundles of goodness have been immortalized in NYC foodie culture over the past few years, with many dumpling houses popping up all over the city. While the majority of these new establishments are either tourist traps or just mediocre in quality, the ones that reign in popularity are the ones that do it the best.
Let’s just say that Nan Xiang Dumpling House has blown the fuck up over the years. It began as a tiny-sized restaurant that served ridiculously good soup dumplings. Today, it is a Michelin-recommended restaurant that is visited by hungry hype beasts from all over the city and is said to have the best soup dumplings in the city, second only to the Justin Bieber of dumplings, Joe’s Shanghai. The buns range from pork to crabmeat/pork at $5.50 and $6.50.
ENDPOINT 2
RKO KEITH THEATER
(135-35 Northern Boulevard)
Walk down Prince Street toward Thirty-eighth Avenue.
Turn right onto Northern Boulevard.
The theater will be on the opposite side of Northern Boulevard.
URBAN DECAY PORN
The massive skeleton of a structure that once housed one of the most glamorous theaters in New York City has suffered a miserable fate over the years. Built in December 1928 by Thomas Lamb, the baroque-style interior once held both a stage and a screen for movie premieres and vaudeville acts. Legends such as Bob Hope and the Marx Brothers were among the long list of
celebrities to have performed at the theater.
RKO Keith’s in its heyday was an icon of an entertainment industry that thrived primarily in New York and Chicago. Its prosperity was symbiotic with Flushing’s prosperity as a wealthy, up-and-coming suburb.
In the 1970s, the theater tripled in size, functioning as a massive movie theater and event hall for ceremonies like nearby Flushing High School’s graduation. The theater officially closed in 1986 when controversy surrounded its new owner, Thomas Huang. Huang apparently gutted out the building against city regulations, while also dumping immense amounts of waste oil dangerously into the building’s basement. Since the building was designated a landmark in 1984, Huang basically made a giant oopsie. The building has changed ownership several times over the years since, with little done to noticeably restore it.
Apparently, the building’s current sentence is to become a luxury apartment building.
Write Your Own
“NYC BITCHE$”
by Awkwafina
What’s (-ing verb) in the BK?
Prospect Expressway,
Fuck that (noun) shit unless it’s
First (day of the week).
The (noun plural) be in Bushwick.
They all (verb) in Bushwick.
They all (verb) Bushwick.