The Beat Around Us (The Heartbeat Series, #2)

by Meadows, Ellie

  The Beat Around Us

  ***

  The Heartbeat Series

  -BOOK TWO-

  E L L I E M E A D O W S

  Preorder Book 3 Now! USA

  Preorder Book 3 Now! UK

  Copyright © 2019

  Ellie Meadows

  The Beat Around Us: The Heartbeat Series, Book Two © Copyright 2019, Ellie Meadows.

  Cover art © Copyright 2019, Wilde Book Designs.

  This book may not be reproduced, in any fashion, without the explicit permission from Ellie Meadows/Eli Constant Books. Ellie Meadows asserts her right to hold ownership of this work. The unauthorized reproduction and/or distribution of this work is illegal.

  This is a work of fiction. Any locations that resemble something in reality are used in a fictitious manner. Similarities to organizations and locales, existing now or in the past, are purely coincidental. Characters are creations of the author’s imagination. Similarities to actual persons, living or deceased, are also purely coincidental. The events in this book should not be construed as real in any capacity.

  Table of Contents

  Title Page

  Copyright Page

  Anna is still the abused runaway. And Silas is still the tortured rock star at heart.

  DEDICATION

  Forgotten.

  Anna.

  Silas.

  Anna.

  Silas.

  Anna.

  Silas.

  Anna.

  Silas.

  Anna.

  Silas.

  Anna.

  Silas.

  Anna.

  Silas.

  Anna.

  Silas.

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  **Continued in ‘The Beat Completes Us’ | The Heartbeat Series Book Three** | -Coming Soon-

  Anna is still the abused runaway. And Silas is still the tortured rock star at heart.

  When you’re beautifully-broken, how can you love someone?

  Pregnant. Emotional. Tired all the time. Anna struggles to keep up her grades and hide the truth. After failing an exam, she spirals into self-doubt and worry. How can she be a mother if she can’t even pass a stupid test? Then there's the complication of Silas. She doesn’t want the feelings he creates—those romantic thoughts, the magnetic attraction. All she’s ever known from a man is force and ugliness.

  So a scared, confused Anna pushes Silas away. And a stubborn, haunted Silas lets her.

  Silas works extra shifts, he exercises like his life depends on it, and he longs for the twisted release that only comes from drugs. He can’t walk into that darkness again though, not and stay sane. But without the drugs, all he can think about is Anna. Lost-in-the-world, gorgeous Anna. And that's killing him.

  But then a seemingly-innocent school event sends Anna running to Silas for protection.

  The past is a shadow. In a heartbeat, it can come back again.

  DEDICATION

  I’ve paid my dues to the ferryman - Tossed him my coin, watched it sink down - Into those waters, those black still pools - You call it sin, but I’ve been abused.

  I wrote this song a long time ago. I might have even used the lyrics in a book before, but sharing a piece of them again, here in this second installment of The Heartbeat Series, felt right. This book is a love letter to girls like Anna who are as strong as Hercules. To a lesser extent it’s also for the people who choose to love the broken and used, to see the infinite beauty that still exists within the fragmented pieces.

  Love has no gender.

  Love has no skin color.

  Love has no need of material things.

  XX - Ellie

  Forgotten.

  ~Asher’s diary, 2 days before overdosing~

  There’s a seed of lonely

  Growing inside

  Like the world is nothing

  Split me wide

  Open on the pavement

  Cars crashing all around

  And over my own tears

  I can hear the silence sound

  Growing life, breathing once again

  Yet all I have to cling to

  Is a long forgotten sin

  ‘they say

  seek something beautiful, to cover all the pain

  but realize all too quickly

  there’s nothing left to save

  free me

  leave me

  there’s nothing left to save’

  Johnny Boy, you wrote these lyrics. All I can do is regurgitate them, because I’ve never had the writing spark. Not really. Not like you. I know you love me, but I’m no good for you. I’m no good for anyone. There’s nothing in this world that could keep me living. Not anymore. It’s not your fault. What’s going to happen isn’t your fault. Remember that. I did it. Not you. Never you. I love you with every bit of my broken body and broken soul. I love you like a man has never loved another man before. In the end, it’s both killed me and made me live.

  Please keep singing. Keep living. You’ll love again, and that person’s going to make you forget me. And that’s okay.

  -Asher

  Anna.

  He knows.

  That’s all I could think as the nurse continued talking and I swallowed the tablet she offered. I’d kept my secret for so many, many weeks... and I was undone by something as harmless as a prenatal vitamin.

  I risked glancing at Silas, stood in the corner as still as stone like the world had stopped turning. It struck me then, how little right he had to look that way. It was not his world that had shifted its slow march around the sun, its daily turning from light to dark to light again.

  It was mine. And he was a recent entrant into my personal truth, my life, and the life growing inside of me. I had only recently been able to jumpstart my heart again, to see a future beyond the great darkness that had swallowed me until I’d come to terms with the tomorrow I was facing.

  “You okay, Sunshine?” The nurse sat down on the bed and patted my knee gently. “Confused about anything?”

  I was tongue-tied, my throat dry and scratchy. Popping the top on the small apple juice can, I sipped quickly. It did very little to soothe my thirst. Because I wasn’t actually thirsty for anything at all. It was fear clutching at my insides, working acid within my body. Someone knew my secret. More than one someone. A doctor. How many nurses? And a paramedic who took more interest in me than he should.

  “Annalise?” The nurse asked again, this time using my full name which I hated. Not because it wasn’t pretty, but because I could hear him saying it, no matter who actually was speaking. “Are you okay?” She lifted my lids a little, checking my eyes. That thawed the freeze of distress that was binding me.

  “Yes,” I blinked at her, clearing my vision, my mind, my heart. “I’m fine.”

  “I know it’s a lot to cope with, finding out something like this at your age. There’s still time—” she started to parrot what the doctor had said to me earlier. What they were trained to say, how they were trained to counsel someone in my situation.

  “No.” My response was cold and hard. “That’s not the decision I’ve made.”

  “But if you change your mind—”

  “I won’t.” Again, my voice was sharp.

  Once more, the nurse patted my knee. The motion was...soft and sad, like I was pitiable or my situation was worthy of her sympathy. It made me recoil from her and my hand went protectively to my stomach. “Well, if you need anything, let me know. I’m on shift a few more hours.”

  The nurse left then, nodding at Silas as she passed him. I wonder what kind of look she gave him, how it seemed that he’d brought me here and I was pregnant
. As the nurse pulled the door mostly closed, the room was washed over in a wave of silence. Neither Silas nor I seemed to want to break it. There was a comfortable solace in the quiet—like the void would take away what had just transpired.

  I’d swallowed the vitamin, but I could feel it, or the shadow of it, lodged in my throat like a big uncomfortable lump.

  The quietude stretched onward, marching like a line of tiny, unseen ants. Finally, Silas moved away from the corner he’d been planted in. He cleared his throat.

  “My shift starts soon,” he said, his voice low and almost shy.

  He waited at the foot of the bed, hands in his pockets as if he wanted me to say something in return. But I didn’t want to. Maybe I was just being stubborn or petty. He’d brought me to the hospital, come to the dorm when I wasn’t feeling well. He’d stayed with me through the night. He was, by all appearances, a kind person. And I should be thankful. Yet, the way he was acting...

  He didn’t deserve to act like his world had somehow shifted, but he did deserve a response now.

  “Fine,” was all I managed to say.

  “Okay,” he said, his voice still cautious, yet also tinged with a pale sort of hurt.

  I turned my head towards the window, the blinds still shuttered to keep the now-rising sun out. I listened to the soft whine of the door opening wide enough to allow Silas exit, then closing again. This time all the way, clicking loud and final in the silence that lapsed over the room once again.

  Silas.

  I didn't make eye contact with anyone as I left Anna's room and worked my way down the hall towards the elevator in the furthest wing from her room. I didn't have to take that one, but I needed to. I needed to walk as far as I could to clear my head. A nurse near the elevators tried to stop me, calling my name followed by a question that I sort of tuned out. I hit the button with decided force. She called my name once more, but then she stopped, perhaps getting her answer from someone else. Because she wasn't getting it from me. She wasn't getting anything from me.

  Not right now.

  I walked through the open elevator doors like a zombie, totally trapped by my thoughts. I didn't even recall actually hitting the 'close' button or the E1 button for 'entrance one'. There were two man public exits and entrances into the hospital. I should have hit E2, the closest to the emergency room area where I'd meet douche face for my shift. I wished Tanner wasn't off for the night. It sucked. I needed to talk to him. He'd brought me off the ledge so many times.

  I slammed the E2 button, closed my eyes, and tried to breathe.

  It felt like I was there right now—standing right on the very brink of a black abyss. Why should this affect me so badly? Why should Anna being pregnant hit me in the gut like a heavyweight champion boxer?

  I barely knew her.

  I didn't know her at all really.

  But something in the center of my stomach was yanking me towards her, every fiber of my body. And I wanted to follow the tug of the tether between us. She had this magnetic, haunting quality that spoke to the darkness inside me. I wanted to be swallowed by it.

  It was worse than the fucking drugs. Because this? It didn't numb me. It made me feel alive. And I didn't want to feel alive. Living again would mean I had to fully-face the darkness in my past. The whole panoramic shit show of it. The death. The body I’d held as it convulsed.

  The elevator binged and the doors slid open. E1. No one waiting to enter. I pressed the close door button and tried to think nothing as the car moved down one more level. Focus on work. Don’t think about her. The emergency room was a flurry of activity in the near distance. For the first time since I really got the hang of this job, falling into the non-stop 'going' of it wasn't appealing. I wanted to focus on Anna, on my feelings, on the divergent roads that splayed out before me.

  "So, we ride together once again, brother!" A hand slapped me hard on the shoulder. It was beefy and large. Not the size of fingers you want coming at you with a precision needle. I turned to find Denny's giant, broad-smiled face staring at me. He was a total Neanderthal who cracked crude jokes and spent the entire shift flashing pictures of whatever women he was dating at the moment—usually in some compromising position or another. "Been too damn long." He removed his hand from my body and walked in front of me.

  Denny was the last damn person I wanted to hang out with for the next 12 hours. It was going to be torture not being able to check on Anna. Did I want to check on her? Why did I want to check on her so badly? I'd just left her.

  As we walked towards the loading bay and our ambulance for the night, Denny made a lewd crack about some redhead he'd banged two weekends ago and then he asked if I’d gotten between any good legs lately. I took a deep breath, pulled my cell phone out, and texted Tanner a few choice expletives for abandoning me this shift, even if it was for a really good reason.

  “BEST SHIFT EVER,” DENNY chortled, flashing another picture of the lewd photo he was sent mid-shift. I couldn’t see the woman’s face, only her massive cleavage. “Hawwwwwwwt, right? I mean, can I pick ‘em or what? She’s at least forty, maybe older, but who the hell cares. Look at those damn tits.”

  Worst shift ever. I thought, walking away as fast as I could from Denny, but tossing a thumbs-up over my head so he’d be satisfied and not follow me into the hospital with his pictures and his toxic masculinity.

  How would Anna be now? Would she still be in the room where I left her? Have they already released her? She needed to be okay. I didn’t want to lose her. She wasn’t mine to lose.

  But he had been.

  Asher hadn’t made it to the hospital. The ambulances had been too slow. Too damn slow. Making my way through the large, sterile building now, I wondered what it would have been like had Asher survived. If he hadn’t gone still in my arms...

  Years ago... before the fall.

  “I GOT MORE, BUT WE don’t need it, Asher. I’m happy. This,” I motioned back and forth between us, “is enough. I’m happy. Aren’t you happy? We don’t need this stuff anymore.” It wasn’t the first time I’d pleaded with him to let go of his old life, let go of the drugs and the exhilarating high that led to the bottomless fall.

  His scars from using were a decade-old. Mine were newer, little pinpricks between my toes that seemed to scream to the world that I was using, even as they sat totally hidden inside socks and shoes.

  “My Johnny Boy, it’s not a need. It’s a want. As much as I want you. It’s breathing.” Asher was lounging on the sofa in the recording studio. His leg was slung over the arm of the furniture. He looked amazing. He always did. His shirt was opened four buttons down, the collar flicked over his black jacket. His jeans were tight with fashionable tears at the knees.

  The picture-perfect rocker. Or, the country version of one. No twang, no old school thrum of the dog that ran away, and the woman who cheated. But he had that soft mountain soul wrapped in an electric guitar that was a fucking lullaby to me.

  “Don’t compare what we have to getting high,” I shot out, dropping the small bag of white powder onto the coffee table in front of him. “It cheapens what we have. Don’t you get that?”

  Asher smiled his smile, that one that changed his entire face and made me remember why I loved him.

  Every time I think that—that I loved him—my brain went back to my parents and my home. To how everyone would react to me being in a relationship with a man. Bisexuality wasn’t something you talked about on Sunday mornings, or with your dad as he repaired small machinery for neighbors.

  “You’re better than drugs, Johnny Boy.” Asher stood and moved to me. He slinked around like sex; his tall frame moved the way it had the first night I’d seen him on stage. Water down a cliff. A waterfall of sensuality. His hair was undone, falling over his shoulders in amber waves. When he was close enough, he leaned forward and kissed me. It was soft, quick, and sweet. And as soon as it was over, he turned away and picked up the drugs.

  And that’s when I realized I loved him more than
he loved me. He was my soulmate, from the minute I met him. Everything I could have asked for—so different from the life I’d lived growing up. A dangerous, struggling, brown-eyed genius.

  IF I’D KNOWN THAT WAS the last time Asher would kiss me, I would have made it last longer.

  I would have made it last a lifetime.

  Anna.

  “I’d like to do an ultrasound before you leave,” the new doctor was standing in my room again. Her voice was sweet-pitched and soft. “You haven’t had any care, and I wouldn’t feel right discharging you until I know you’re both perfectly healthy.

  “The doctor earlier didn’t mention doing anything. He just advised me to seek out proper care and take vitamins,” I grabbed the sheets of the bed, gripping them with worried fingers. I’m not ready for an ultrasound. I’m not prepared to see the reality of that pixelated black and white screen.

  “I know, but when the nurses changed shift and I was told you were determined to keep the pregnancy, I became determined to make sure you got the care you need.” The doctor crossed her arms, but it didn’t make her tiny frame look any more authoritative. “Besides, Dr. Jennings was wrong. He did what every male doctor does—he advised you to make the choice people think you should, because you’re young and this shit is going to be hard as hell. You’re picking to change your entire life for that baby growing inside of you.” She pointed at my stomach.

  My eyes had widened a little when she’d cursed. It just didn’t seem like a very ‘good bedside manner’ type thing to do, but then her words really started sinking in.

  I’m young.

  This is going to be hard as hell.

  I’m picking to change my entire life.

  ...there’s a baby growing inside of me.