The Beat Around Us (The Heartbeat Series, #2)

by Meadows, Ellie

Then I walked away from her towards checkout, where Molly was waiting. I wondered where Stanley was, until I heard something drop in the back of the store and a muttered curse come to life shortly after. He was a funny, interesting man, but he ‘got in moods’, as Molly put it. Of course, with a wife like Molly...

  I was grateful when Molly didn’t comment on what we were buying, though her gaze did read the label of the prenatal a bit too long. I waited for her to look up, to study my face and then Anna’s, to wonder if Anna was pregnant, and if I was the father. But she surprised me—she scanned everything, bagged everything, went through the motions of accepting payment, and she didn’t pry. I’d never known Molly to be so discreet. I took all the bags, brushing off Anna’s attempts to carry things.

  When it was time to go, Anna walked faster than I did—maybe in a bid to escape the store and the woman who’d also just learned her secret. The doorbells jangled once more and Anna turned the corner from sight. That’s when Molly’s voice woke up.

  “Silas.”

  I turned, ready to face the questions. “Yeah, Molly?”

  “That girl can’t be more than eighteen, maybe nineteen.”

  I nodded, confirming her assessment.

  “And she’s pregnant.”

  Again, I nodded.

  “Is it—”

  “It’s not mine, Molly.”

  “Oh, okay then. Who is she to you then? Why are you helping her? You need to be careful. That girls been through—”

  “Molly, that girl’s been through literal hell. And I don’t know why she’s been put in my path. It’s a complete damn mystery considering how messed up I am too. But I’m going to help her.”

  “That’s going to be complicated.” The older woman said simply.

  “Yeah? Well what the hell isn’t complicated in life. It’s like God took us all and tossed us all down on a where good has very little chance to win out.”

  “God’s got nothing to do with that.” Molly shook her head.

  “We agree to disagree on this point, Molly.”

  “Just be careful how deep you get. That’s all I’m saying, son.” Molly made a quick motion of defeat and then pointed at the door. “She’s waiting on you.”

  I turned, finding Anna’s face beyond the pane of crystal-clear glass. Crystal clear because Molly cleaned it like it was her entire life’s mission. I tossed a wave over my shoulder and headed towards Anna.

  Towards everything she was, and might mean.

  And now I had Bree warning and Molly’s warning waltzing in my brain. And I could feel unsureness begin to spread like a parasite.

  Anna.

  Why do you care so much? I couldn’t help looking at Silas several times on the drive back to campus. It was like my head was attached to marionette strings and some unseen controller kept tugging my face towards his. The outline of his jaw was strong. The brush of hair growing on it just the right sort of unkempt.

  When he parked on the side of the road, the same road that a bus had once idled at while I disembarked towards my new life not too long ago, I shifted in my seat. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to say. I needed to thank him, but that felt too thin. He’d done more for me than my ‘family’ had in as long as I could remember. And I just didn’t understand why.

  “Thank you,” I started, took a deep breath, continued, “for everything.”

  “You don’t need to thank me. Anyone would have helped.”

  “No, that’s not true at all.” I frowned. “That’s ridiculous actually. And, not only that—” I stopped speaking abruptly.

  But Silas had unbuckled and turned his body towards me. His expression was focused and expectant. He wanted me to finish. “Not only what?” He prompted.

  I bit my lower lip, my frown deepening—which probably meant my forehead had sprouted three wrinkled lines as my muscles worked. “You saying that anyone would have helped, lessens what it means to me that you chose to help. I’ve never had anyone in my life, not one person, go out of their way for me the way you have. So don’t ruin that for me. And don’t make me think that most people in the world would. Because thinking that everyone in the world is as good as you? God... God, it makes my entire past that much more miserable. Do you understand?”

  Silas face was drawn now—in pain or in thought or just taken aback that I’d unloaded on him. All my messy, tortured, shitty emotions. Spewed them like a faucet sprayer in the kitchen, soaking everything that was originally dry and in-order.

  “Okay,” Silas finally said simply.

  “Okay,” I responded quickly, unbuckled and opened the passenger door. I felt a little woozy and realized I hadn’t eaten in a while. I’d been discharged before dinner and I’d not been hungry enough to order lunch. Just thirsty. I was always thirsty now, and wondered if that was a part of pregnancy.

  I moved around the front of his SUV and I stood there waiting, my arms crossed over my chest. Silas exited the vehicle shortly after, bags from the pharmacy in hand. He didn’t cross the street immediately, instead coming around to me and offering his hand. I smiled at it, but couldn’t bring myself to take it. He was just continuing to be kind, escorting the sad pregnant girl across the street back to her dorm. I remembered a girl in high school getting pregnant Junior year. The other students had polarized into two groups—the haters and the helpers.

  No, three groups.

  I’d been a part of that last one—the willfully ignorant. I didn’t want to see her, or help her, or talk to her. I didn’t want to know her situation. Maybe it was like mine, or maybe she’d had consensual sex and the odds hadn’t been on her side. I just didn’t want to know. Because it could be me, at any minute, despite him using condoms. And then it was me, because he’d finally decided protection was a waste.

  Silas dropped his hand after a moment, and I felt bad, but I kept my smile plastered on and I stepped off the sidewalk onto the road.

  And immediately I was yanked backward.

  Backward the way I’d come, just as a green car whizzed by going twice the speed limit. I hadn’t heard it, or seen it coming. I hadn’t been paying attention at all. I’d been so caught up in my own thoughts that I could have died. No, we could have died. My hand slapped gently against my stomach in horror. I had to be more careful. I had to pay attention.

  I didn’t even realize I was leaning into Silas’s body until my heart rate slowed and I no longer tasted my pulse in my mouth. I stood up from him as soon as I did, though, because the touch of him behind me was too warm and yielding, yet unyielding too. Like he could keep me grounded to this world, yet also show me everything I could be.

  “I didn’t even see the car,” I stammered out, my back still towards him. I was horrified—at the near-accident, at the feelings Silas brought up in me. The last thing I needed, the very last thing I needed, was to become attached to some guy I just met. I had too much to deal with right now.

  “It was going way too damn fast, Anna. I barely saw it fly around the corner.”

  “I guess I should thank you.” I turned around. “Thank you again.”

  “You have to stop thanking me.” Silas gave a small smile and his right hand, the one not pulled down by shopping bags, reached up and pushed hair out of my face. Then he froze, maybe realizing the gesture was intimate and familiar. And we didn’t have that. He didn’t want me.

  He was remembering all the reasons why he wasn’t interested in me.

  I swallowed, and moved back a step. “It’s probably safe to cross the street now.”

  “Let’s look both ways just in case,” he quipped, his hand was still lifted in the air. He looked from my face to his hand and he flexed his fingers, his cheeks going a little pink. “That’s a bit awkward.” He dropped his hand sheepishly.

  I’ve got too much baggage, and he’s not interested. I mentally told myself again. Don’t read anything into this. And you don’t need attachment. You have to focus, and rely on yourself. You can’t trust anyone else, life has taught you that. Start
walking, Anna. Don’t be an idiot.

  This time, I looked both ways before stepping out into the street. We made it unscathed to the brick sidewalk leading towards campus. A handful of students were out and about, some sitting on blankets reading, others tossing around a Frisbee. It was picturesque and I wanted to remember it this way—before everyone knew I was pregnant and I became that girl in Junior year that only met three categories of people every time she stepped into school—the haters, the helpers, and the willfully ignorant.

  “ANNA!” NATALIE’S VOICE rang out shrilly. “Couldn’t you contact a girl and tell her you’re okay?” Her gorgeous face was drawn with concern that was quickly-fading into curiosity at the sight of Silas behind me carrying bags.

  “Do you remember Silas from the bar?” I said awkwardly, thumbing a hand behind me to indicate my companion, even though I didn’t really have to point out who I was talking about. There was no other tragically-handsome older guy walking the dorm halls.

  Natalie quirked an eyebrow and looked Silas up and down appraisingly before pushing her rowdy-gorgeous hair away from her perfect-skin forehead. “Oh, I remember him. Hi. You know how to pull a crowd. Great voice. And seemed like a pretty decent EMT too.” She winked after saying the last. Then she held out her hand to Silas and he shifted the bags to shake it. “Nice to officially meet you.”

  “Come on,” I mumbled, tossing Natalie a glance after her own look in my direction said ‘I need all the details, girl’. “My room’s this way.”

  “Going to be my room too soon,” Natalie said to our backs, “I’m telling you, I can’t take it much longer. I’m going to go crazy in my room. I swear she inches over her domain every hour. If the RA doesn’t approve it, I’m just moving at midnight and making it a surprise relocation.”

  “I’m leaving space for you,” I threw over my shoulder, smiling to think that I’d feel safe with Natalie in my room. There was a comfort in that.

  “She seems great,” Silas said as I unlocked my dorm room and ushered him in. “Where do you want these?”

  “She is, and honestly my first friend in a really long time,” I looked around, eyeing the top of the dresser which was pretty empty. “There’s fine,” I pointed.

  After he set down the bags, Silas shoved his hands in his pockets and swayed a little, looking like he wasn’t sure of what to do next. “So, is there anything I can do for you before I leave? I don’t live far though, if you think of something later.” He studied my room, moving in a small circle. “You need a mini fridge. And maybe a microwave. You could make a better variety of food with a few basics.”

  “I have the meal plan. I’m covered.”

  “Yeah, but if you get hungry in the middle of the—”

  “Silas, you’ve done enough. I mean, you’re literally my knight in shining armor. I don’t need a fridge or a microwave.” I crossed my arms, not feeling great all of the sudden. Not physically, but emotionally. It would be so easy, so very easy, to let myself slide into dependency here. I had to stand on my own feet though. I had to figure out life now that I was free... in some ways, and trapped in others. “I think I just need to rest, and maybe figure out what I’ve missed while in the hospital. My Sociology teacher seems to like pop quizzes. I mean, we’ve only had one, but...” I let my voice trail off. I was going to start rambling if I wasn’t careful.

  “You can’t have missed much. You weren’t gone too long. If you want, I can help with that.” He moved towards the door. Maybe he recognized he was pushing a little too hard, or maybe I was giving off ‘back off’ body language.

  “I can figure it out, really.” I uncrossed my arms and sighed. “I’ll use Nat’s phone if I need you. Really. I appreciate everything so much, but I just want to rest before I need to get to class and act like I deserve to be here. I can’t afford to screw up my scholarship. It’s... the only thing I’ve got going for me right now.”

  “That’s not true,” Silas started, then stopped. “Promise to text me if you need anything?”

  I hesitated, then nodded. “Yeah, I promise.”

  “Okay.” He stepped forward, his arms lifting a little, but then he dropped them. I didn’t want to hug him again, not right this second, when I was trying to stay firm in my independence. I’m sure me backing away real fast clued him in. I couldn’t help it though. I had to protect myself.

  Silas gave me a sideways smile, just a half-quirk of the right side of his mouth really, and then he walked out of the open door without a glance back. I don’t know what it meant, that we didn’t say a proper goodbye to each other. As he left though, I felt a tightness in my chest, a string pulling so taut I thought it might snap.

  I watched out of the window as he walked away from the building and towards his SUV. I watched as he got in and drove away. And the string wanted to snap, so badly it was a physical ache.

  I wondered if he felt it also.

  Silas.

  I felt a coldness when I walked out of her room.

  She hadn’t wanted to hug me; I could tell. She was mentally and physically pulling away, and maybe she was right. We were all wrong for each other, two mangled and scarred souls.

  Before I shifted into drive and headed down the road, I stared back at the campus, at her dorm. I wondered which window was hers. I hadn’t paid any attention to how many rooms we’d passed on the way to hers. Was she watching? Did I want her to be watching? Then I’d told myself—no, I’d mentally yelled at myself—to drive away and be smart. She was pulling away, obviously. I needed to do the same. She’d call me if she needed me. She’d promised. And I didn’t think Anna was the kind of person who made promises lightly.

  I wasn’t even sure what day it was or if I had to work today. What day... Wednesday. It was Wednesday. I glanced down at the clock in my dash. “Shit,” I mumbled. I wasn’t going to get any sleep before I had to get ready again. I’d never called out sick. No, once. I’d gotten the flu about a year ago. I was going to today though. I just needed to think, and be alone, and not deal with a ‘heart attack’ that’s actually indigestion or a case of the panic attacks over a bingo game at the senior center.

  I leaned back in the driver’s seat and fished my phone out of my jean pocket. I hit the speed dial #4 and Jake answered. I started speaking before he could get through his standard greeting. "Jake, it’s Silas. I’m not going to be able to make it into work tonight.”

  “You never call out. Oh... guess there was that one—”

  Cutting him off, which I know was rude as hell, I barreled on. “Yeah, I know. The flu last year. I just need a night off. To handle some things.”

  “Oh,” I could hear some clicking, “how the hell do I categorize that in the system?” Every time someone called out, they got a labeled—or the day they called out did, with whatever the reasoning was. I’m not sure there was a color code for ‘bent out of shape over a girl, don’t know what to do, feel like emotional shit’.

  “Just put in that I’m throwing up and can’t leave the bathroom.”

  “Sure, that’ll work. You sure you’re okay, Si-”

  I pressed the red button to end the call. I didn’t want to be asked if I was okay, and I even less wanted to come up with a socially-passable response. I drove past my house a few minutes. And I kept driving.

  Past the town limit sign.

  Through the next small town thirty minutes away.

  I finally shook my head an hour away from my home and pulled to the side of the road.

  “What the fuck is wrong with me?” I cursed, slamming my palms down on my steering wheel and feeling the entire vehicle shudder slightly around me. “Turn the hell around, and go home. You can’t run away from your issues. You’ve got a job, a house, people counting on you.”

  My phone rang then, and I jumped. I expected it to be my mom with her habitual check-ins, but it wasn't. I answered with fumbling fingers, still shaking from having lost control and driven so far. “Tanner.”

  “Silas, I heard you’re
not working tonight. Must be dog freaking sick. Need anything? I can pick up Pho from that place you like and run it over before shift?”

  “Laurie okay?” I asked quickly.

  “Yeah, remember? I told you at the hospital when I came to help with that girl Anna. Tests were clear. She’s good.” There was a question in Tanner’s voice. “You don’t sound sick man. What’s going on?”

  “I could be sick but sound fine,” I quipped weakly.

  “Seriously, Silas.” Tanner fell quiet, waiting for me to offer information.

  “Shit, man. I just drove an hour out of town, completely fucked in the head. And I don’t know what to do about it.” I leaned back against the headrest and closed my eyes, rubbing a hand roughly through my hair.

  “I’m going to guess this has to do with Anna.”

  “Yeah. Everything has to do with Anna. Just like everything before had to do with Asher. And it’s like she’s under my skin. Like she’s cocaine or heroin or the itch that needs to be scratched no matter what it kills in the end.” I groaned. “How the hell does that happen? I just fucking met her, Tanner? I didn’t even realize how hard it had hit me until I started driving past my house and just kept going.”

  I heard some mumbling in the background, but I couldn’t make out what Tanner was saying. I assumed he was talking to Laurie, though I’d only heard her voice once or twice. Quiet, sweet, but a little hoarse if she tried to go above a whisper.

  “Go home. Laurie’s coming over and she’ll stay with you until I get off work.”

  “I can’t ask you guys to do—”

  “Shut up, Silas. We’re family. Family’s only job is to show up.” Tanner didn’t know everything about my past, but he knew I’d not been sober before this town. He’d been the one nursing me through withdrawals after I’d rented a room in his house. I didn’t respond to him, fighting the pain in my chest that was growing and growing like I’d stolen Christmas, learned the error of my ways, and was now gaining a heart where before there’d been a shriveled raisin, dried out and basically dead. “Go home, Silas.”