The Beat Around Us (The Heartbeat Series, #2)

by Meadows, Ellie

  “We all talked about this, Tanner. Before she fell asleep, literally the last thing she said is she didn’t want more people to know about the baby yet. Because if they knew, then her stepfather was going to find out. It would come up in interviews, in a court case, somewhere. And with the way the damn world is...” I trailed off, letting him fill in the points we’d already discussed.

  “There’s every chance some twisted judge will award her stepfather parental rights.” Tanner sounded angry, angry that the world was like that, that such a thing could happen. It couldn’t be denied though. Even in the fucking paper today was a case of an eleven-year-old being forced to give birth after being raped. That the baby was more important than a child’s future and body. “I’m going to call Laurie. I’ve texted her a few times, but I want to explain more about what’s going on.”

  I nodded. “Okay. And tell her thank you. I know she’ll be willing to help. She’s a good person, Tanner. I’m actually sorry for giving you so much hell about her. I can see why you love her.”

  Tanner smiled and glanced at Anna on the sofa. “I don’t think you can give me hell anymore, Silas. You’re in the same boat as me, cruising down the same river. You’ve got it bad, man. Class six rapids bad. Laurie and me? We’re a calm three compared to you two. Smooth damn sailing.”

  “Yeah, I hear you.” I laughed softly, though it wasn’t actually funny. More ironic. “No more Tanner loves Laurie digs. I’m a lot of things, but not a hypocrite.” Moving over to the sofa, I leaned down and smoothed hair out of Anna’s face. Her eyelashes fluttered slightly and the strained look of her face softened just a little. Even in sleep, she was scared. I hated that.

  I hated that.

  And I’d change that.

  Anna.

  ~Friday Evening~

  I didn’t go to my Friday class. Nat got me the assignment, though she still wanted to know why I’d spent the night off campus. What was going on, why did I sound odd on the phone. Every hour, on the hour it felt like, she was texting to check on me.

  N: Still alive?

  Yes, I’m still alive.

  N: I’m not joking around here, Anna. I mean... you were just freaking out about failing a test and then you skip class. That doesn’t make sense.

  I’m fine, really. I just needed some help, so I stayed with Silas.

  N: For two nights? **quizzical emoticon**

  I can’t explain right now, Nat.

  N: I want to see you.

  Groaning, I leaned my head back against Silas’s sofa.

  “What’s wrong?” Silas was by my side in a second. Laurie and Tanner had just left. She was nice, though she didn’t talk much. Silas said he’d tell me why later, but he hadn’t yet.

  “It’s Nat. She really wants to see me. You know, I’ve never had a friend like this before. I don’t want to lie to her. Though I guess I have been lying. I should have told her the truth. I don’t know why I didn’t.” I opened the water bottle that was sat in my lap and took a sip. “No, I know why. I didn’t tell her, because after I told you, it felt more real. It felt bigger. And the more people that know... I feel like I can’t not think about the future now. I have to think about diapers and cribs and pediatricians.” I put a hand to my chest, fighting the panic that was rising.

  Silas put his hand over mine, and just the touch of him slowed my heart a little.

  “I think you should tell her, Anna. She obviously cares for you, and the more people you have on your side the better.” Silas kept his hand against mine, but he picked up the phone I’d discarded on the sofa and handed it to me. “Tell her I’ll pick her up and bring her here, if she’s okay with that.”

  I nodded, though every fiber in my body wanted to argue that it wasn’t a good move. That was just my fear talking though. I didn’t know how Nat would react. I didn’t know if she’d even want to be my friend even more. I was a victim, and I worried about being rejected or it.

  It was awful, to feel that way.

  Nat, would you be okay with Silas picking you up and bringing you here? I’ll explain everything.

  Barely a few seconds passed before Nat wrote back.

  N: As long as he’s not a serial killer. And I want to know everything, Anna. I’m not kidding.

  I know you’re not.

  N: Fine. Tell him to pick me up in an hour. I’m finishing dinner with my dad before he heads to his hotel.

  Okay.

  A BIT OVER AN HOUR later, Nat was standing in Silas’s living room holding two duffel bags. One she tossed next to me on the sofa, saying she’d packed some of my clothes and books. Then she’d dropped the second bag onto the floor saying she was staying the night and the floor was fine.

  “Nat, that’s not necessary.”

  She made a motion to silence me. “So, you know that friend code? Well, there’s also a friend alarm, and mine has been ringing nonstop. I want to know what’s going on, Anna. I’m not talking about sexy Silas details either.” Nat chewed off the last few words fast, her gaze going wide when she realized what she’d said... with Silas stood in the same room. “You know what I mean,” she flicked a gaze at the dark-haired guy with the several day chin scruff who was currently leaned against the wall, his hands tucked into his pockets casually.

  “You might want to sit down then,” I breathed out, realizing that there was no secret anymore. I’d wanted to keep it quiet, for just a little longer, but my stepfather had ruined that plan.

  For the next half hour, for the first time in my life, I explained the truth in detail. I didn’t leave anything out. I described the first time. The second time. The eighth time. I talked about finding out I was pregnant with a gas station expired test. How I went to a pregnancy center for another test, a free one. They’d asked if they could call anyone, like my parents. I’d rushed out of there, scared for my life.

  Because of what he’d said would happen if I got pregnant, that it would be my fault.

  I let Nat read the letter.

  I watched her cry stoically. Somehow I didn’t cry. I didn’t even want to cry. By that point, I felt so empty, so very empty. A hollow glass container teetered on the edge of a kitchen counter, a hard tile floor beneath ready to greet me when I finally lost control.

  I didn’t lose control though.

  I watched her cry.

  And I glanced at Silas who looked like he was hearing the story for the first time, and parts of it he was. A small part of me worried about how he was feeling, what he might want to do if he came face-to-face with the man who stole so much from me. There were other concerns more pressing though.

  “I don’t know what to say, Anna.” Nat’s voice was shaking. “You’ve listened to me complain about so many stupid, unimportant things. Bad roommates, helicopter dads, homework I didn’t want to do. And the whole time you were going through this? You could have told me. I wish you’d told me. You didn’t have to do this alone.”

  “Call it habit,” I whispered. “I’m used to doing things alone.”

  “That’s over.” Nat snuggled closer to me on the couch and hugged me. Her free hair, bouncing and alive, brushed softly against my cheek. “You’re never going to be alone again.”

  That struck me as funny, and I started to laugh. And that laugh turned hysterical, until I was shaking and sobbing and I was that glass jar falling down to crash against the hard floor. Shattered, absolutely shattered. The sobbing slowed after a while, the reason I laughed to begin with came back into my brain, and I breathed out. “You know, I keep thinking... I really will never be alone again once I have the baby. Silver lining, huh?”

  Nat gave a small, startled laugh. “Well, that’s not what I meant, but my dad always jokes he got a best friend out of the deal, and a constant nuisance. I’m a lot like my mom apparently. A gift and a curse.” She winked at me.

  “I’m going to order food,” Silas broke into our conversation, clearly needing something to do, needing to feel useful. “Italian, Mexican, or sushi?”

&nbs
p; “Not sushi,” I said quickly. “The whole pregnancy thing.”

  “Shit, right,” Silas said quickly, looking embarrassed. “There’s a Thai place that’s not bad too, really good coconut rice.”

  “That sounds good.” I smiled, trying to look and sound grateful. I did feel grateful, I really did, but at the same time everything was changing so fast on me again. The walls that protected me were falling fast. No, correct that, they were gone completely. I was one hundred percent exposed. A snapped electrical wire after a storm, seizing across the pavement like an epileptic snake. Raw and dangerous.

  I COULDN’T SLEEP. NAT snored next to me in the guest bed, so I tried not to move despite my restlessness. I could hear Silas pacing in his house beyond the room’s walls. Sometime during the night, I heard a soft knocking and then a door opening and reclosing. Multiple voices began humming in the living room. After listening closely for quite a while, I realized who must have come over—Tanner and Laurie. Once or twice, I even heard Laurie’s voice. Slightly hoarse, yet somehow melodic.

  Carefully, I got up and moved to the door of the room, panicking when a floorboard creaked so loud I thought it would wake up the neighbors. The voices went silent outside the door. I waited. They waited. Finally, the talking started up again.

  “We’ll take shifts through the weekend. I think it’s best if we keep her away from campus. He was able to track down her postal box address, he could have any information,” Silas sounded methodical, controlling the anger I’d seen flare in him off-and-on as he’d heard more and more of my past. The stories that haunted me, like nightmares told to naughty children in other countries. My stepdad was my own Baba Yaga.

  “I still think you need to take her to the police. She can get a restraining order, file it with the school. He won’t be able to access her then.” Tanner was the voice of reason, that seemed to be his personality.

  “No. Absolutely not. You know what kind of scrutiny that will subject her to? And then, without a doubt, he’ll know where she is and you know he’ll find out she’s pregnant. We’ve been through this, Tanner. It’s not an option.” Silas was pacing again; I could hear the sound of his boots clicking against the floors. A thump made me start, and I wondered if he’d hit the wall. there was violence inside of him, but it wasn’t... it wasn’t the brutalizing kind, the stealing kind, it was righteous. Righteous fury, for me and not against me. And that was strangely liberating. To trade a hurtful violence for a liberating one. It didn’t even make sense.

  “I think,” Laurie’s hesitant voice was so soft I had to lean my ear against the door of the room, “you should ask her what she wants. What she really wants. I’m worried she’s just agreeing to whatever you guys say, because,” another pause, this was the most I’d ever heard Laurie talk...not that I’d been around her much, “she’s always had a man controlling her.”

  Silence again.

  Her words affected me, and I wondered what effect they were having on the men around her.

  With shaking hands, I gripped the doorknob and turned it. It protested with a nails-against-chalkboard squeal. I opened the door inward and snuck through a narrow opening so I wouldn’t flood the guest room with light and wake up Nat. I closed the door behind me as quietly as possible to, and I took a deep breath before facing the trio in the living room.

  “Anna, I’m so sorry if we woke you,” Silas rushed towards me, his dark and soulful eyes searching my face, looking for signs that I’d just been disturbed and awoken. I realized his hair grew fast, the brunette curls were longer than they’d been when I’d first met him. He was chiseled, yet life-worn around the edges. The statue of David after a hundred years of existence.

  My hair was loose, falling around the straps of my tank top and brushing against my shoulders. I needed a haircut desperately; it was ‘split end city’ frizz around my face. I knew I looked ghost-pale, I always seemed to no matter how much sun I got. My eyes were probably red-rimmed from all the stress, anxiety, and silent tears, but at least that would make my eyes greener. I was a mess. A hot mess, as Nat would say. The way Silas was looking at me though... I could have been a goddess.

  “You didn’t wake me,” I finally replied. “I just couldn’t sleep.”

  Come over here, Laurie signed to me with hands waving towards her body. “Here,” she whispered out, patting the sofa. I held up a finger, asking her to wait a minute.

  “I need to say something, to all of you.” I was proud of myself for not sounding meek and mild right now. “I can’t put into words what it means to me—that you all are out here in the middle of the night trying to figure out how to keep me safe from him. He’s... this terrible virus that’s constantly attacking. My brain. My body.” Absentmindedly, my hand went to my stomach. And all three pair of eyes looking at me flicked down to my belly. I didn’t mean for that to happen. I dropped my hand, my fingers itching.

  “Anna, would you tell us his name?” Tanner asked the question. “If you won’t go to the cops, tell us his name at least. What he looks like. What he sounds like even. Anything will help, in case one of us sees him when we’re not with you.”

  “I don’t like saying his name,” I admitted. Swallowing hard, I made myself think about my stepfather. I pulled the look of him into my mind’s eyes, which was what I usually tried to avoid. “He’s tall and broad. Hairy. Austin Powers hairy.” I gave a weak laugh that died fast and sounded sadder than actually crying again would have. No one laughed. I didn’t want to keep going, but they were all expecting me to. “Salt and pepper hair, cut military short. What do they call that? Where it’s shorter on the sides and longer on top? Blue-grey eyes, almost steel.” Now I was crying, and I couldn’t keep going. There was an easier way. “Silas, can I borrow your phone?”

  He handed it to me without a nod or a word. It wasn’t password protected, and I found what I was looking for quickly. I opened the blue app with the large white F and I searched for my mother’s name. She was fifth from the top. I tried to ignore her picture, tried to ignore how she was smiling in it and hanging around the neck of some guy who’s face was half-cut off by the camera angle. I clicked quickly, found his name next to her relationship status. I pressed his name quickly, and I handed it to Silas.

  “That’s him,” I could barely speak now. Seeing his face, even for the seconds it took to click and hand the phone away. I’d seen his eyes. The crook of his smile. The front tooth that was slightly grey next to the other pale yellow teeth.

  “Micha—”

  “Please don’t say his name,” I said quickly. “I don’t want to hear it.”

  Silas’s expression was unreadable, but now he did nod and handed the phone off to Tanner, who studied the name and the man. Then it was Laurie’s turn. Each of their faces stayed apathetic, like they were sparing me their thoughts in this moment. I was glad for that. I needed a break from the anger of it all.

  “Nat invited me to hang out with her and her dad for Parent Weekend. I’ll be safe with them. You guys don’t need to coordinate and rearrange your schedules to stay with me.”

  “No,” Silas said quickly.

  “Wait,” I stopped him before he could talk more. “I don’t mean you can’t... be with me too. This is what I want though. I want to keep trying to be normal. I want to be part of a college function with my friend and her dad. This is what I want. It’s my choice. At nine tomorrow... I guess today actually... we’ll have breakfast with Nat’s dad at that little coffee shop, Silas. Um... Bernie’s Beans? After that, we’ll go to the mixer. Then the literature department’s panel on symbolism. I will be safe. I’ll be surrounded by people.”

  “Anna, I don’t think that’s—”

  “Laurie, you understand?” I looked at her. “He’s controlled me in so many ways, for so long. I’m done with that. Forever. I need to make my choices.”

  She nodded, a tear slipping down her cheek. She held up her index finger and touched her hand to her forehead. “I do understand,” her soft damaged voice o
ffered afterward.

  “I’ll keep my cell phone on me. You can text me any time you’re worried. We can meet up after the panel tomorrow... today.” I rubbed my face more roughly than necessary; I was suddenly so tired. “I think I need to go back to bed.” Silas walked over to me then and touched my forehead gently.

  “You’re a little warm.”

  “I’m just tired. Tired... anxious.” I swallowed, feeling the dryness in my throat. “And thirsty.”

  “I’ll get you some water.” Silas fast-walked the short distance into his kitchen and made short work of grabbing a water bottle from the fridge. “Here,” he said, handing it to me. It was cold in my hand, and revived me a little. I took a long sip.

  “I’m okay, Silas,” I reassured him. His eyes were unwavering, studying my face.

  “Get some sleep then.” He lifted his hand and took a thick section of hair between his fingers. He rolled the strands gently, focusing a little too hard, his forehead scrunching between his eyebrows. “I don’t like your plan, Anna. But I respect it. I respect you. I’m sorry I’m so fucked up, when you’re the one living through this hell.”

  It was like the room fell away around us. Tanner and Laurie were nonentities. Only I existed with Silas now.

  “You’re the last thing I planned for,” I admitted, lifting my own hand and pressing my fingers against his. “You’re the last thing I thought I needed. I’m still so confused. My heart and my head are screaming opposite things. But...” I trailed off, hesitating. “But I know which organ I’d rather listen to, Silas.” I pressed our hands firmly together now, and he dropped my hair in response. It swished against my collar bone.

  He leaned forward and he pressed his lips against my forehead now. It wasn’t like his fingers gently grazing. And it was so unlike every other cruel touch of warped intimacy I’d experienced. A spark fired inside of me, hovering hotly in my stomach. Inferno butterflies.

  They flew upwards. I felt them around my heart. It began to beat in a way it never had before. A rhythmic, affirming, addicting feeling.