Mulrox and the Malcognitos

by Kerelyn Smith

  “Strawberries and cream.”

  “It looks like something died,” Mulrox said

  “It’s also known as bleeding tooth fungus.”

  “Puke like a duke!” Groxor came barreling toward them, and the smell hit them like a wall.

  “We have to get him cleaned up,” Yahgurkin said. She looked meaningfully toward Mulrox. “We’ll figure out what to do, but we have to deal with this.” She turned away, burying her face in the crook of her elbow.

  “What do you expect me to do?” He was trying not to be sick himself.

  “See if you can find someplace or something to wash him down with.”

  “Why me?”

  “Because he needs a thorough scrub.” She dug inside one of her pouches and tossed him a bulb of some kind. “Soap root,” she said.

  “Fine,” he grumbled and gave Groxor a fierce tug. “This way, you disgusting oaf.”

  “Hurl like a girl!” Groxor said.

  22

  Mulrox led Groxor through the trees by his lead. He thought at least he would have a few moments of peace, but the malcognitos followed them, swarming around the two ogres. Mulrox looked around aimlessly for something to scrub the giant ogre down with besides the dirty root Yahgurkin had given him. Mulrox was starting to think that clumps of moss would be his best option when Tree-with-frog-legs let out a squeak and darted off to the right. Mulrox looked to Yvwi, expecting some explanation, but the malcognito didn’t even look up. Mulrox knew enough about the malcognitos by now to know he should probably follow.

  Mulrox pushed after the malcognito, heading into increasingly dense brush. Spinakle-rex and Spit-on-him hacked at branches, helping Mulrox to forge his way, while Death-with-a-kiss flitted ahead to bend back the boughs and snap them in their faces as they caught up. Toad-springs-eternal used the springy boughs to catapult herself from one branch to the next. As they progressed, the ground grew slippery under his feet, and the sound of splashing trickled down to him. Yvwi trudged along behind them. There was something up ahead. Mulrox grabbed the last branch blocking his way and shoved it aside.

  In front of him stretched a pond the size of the Slobber and Snore. Not a ripple disturbed its surface except in the very middle where Tree-with-frog-legs was floating on his back. The band of malcognitos made a chortling noise and charged into the water after him. Death-with-a-kiss landed on top of the floating malcognito, dunking him deep into the water.

  Mulrox looked down at his own grubby hands; layers of dirt caked his nails and skin, and his once-white shirt now had a distinctly yellow tinge. He started toward the water, but the rope twanged taut behind him. Groxor had dug his heels in, his big eyes wide, his body as rigid as a metal rod.

  “Come on! It’s just water.” Mulrox yanked on the lead. Nothing. He tried again. His feet slipped on the silty bank, and he had to grab Groxor to stay upright.

  “Fine. Stay dirty!” Mulrox gave the giant green ogre a shove. Normally Groxor would never miss an opportunity to get clean. He had a certain standard that he lived by and expected others to adopt as well. If he could only see himself. It almost made you miss the old Groxor.

  Mulrox stomped into the water. A shiver rolled up to the tip of his head. He clenched his teeth, trying to them from chattering. He waded out deeper into the pond and let it drag and pull against his limbs. When he was up to his waist, he took a deep breath and plunged under the water.

  The cold shocked every nerve and sinew alive. He felt awake as though for the very first time. Underwater, everything was slow and simple. The noise of the woods, the malcognitos, and even Groxor were a world away. Down here no one was looking, no one judging. Mulrox sunk deeper until he was sitting at the bottom of the pond.

  The portal was gone. There was no way to Sounous. Mulrox knew what he should have felt. He had seen the fear and disappointment on the others’ faces. But instead Mulrox felt relief.

  It was over. He was done with the delirious and raving Groxor. He was done with Yahgurkin’s harebrained ideas and Geraldine’s moodiness. He was done with the malcognitos’ endless antics. But most of all, he was done with Yvwi. The malcognito wasn’t even sorry that he had destroyed Mulrox’s life. And for what? Mulrox had convinced himself he had to go, to see this through, but with no portal, everything had changed.

  Mulrox thought of his beautiful house overrun with sheep and clenched his teeth. He would talk to the animals. Tabiyeh had said to trust them, and they couldn’t be worse than the malcognitos. If he turned back now, he could get home with at least a couple days to try to write a poem for the Beatific Behemoth.

  Mulrox surfaced, gulping in air. The malcognitos splashing and twittering pushed back into his head. He took the plant Yahgurkin had given him out of his pocket. He wasn’t sure how a dirty root was supposed to help him, but he broke off a small piece and held it below the water, rubbing it to remove the grime. As he rubbed a foamy white lather filled his hands. “I guess she’s not totally batty after all.”

  Mulrox scrubbed until his skin was once again clean and glowing like a freshly plucked tomato.

  When he was done, he looked about him. Groxor seemed to have overcome his fear of the pond and was standing up to his knees in the clear water, kicking left and then right, giggling. Mulrox found the rope floating a few feet from him and grabbed it. He pulled Groxor toward him, step by begrudging step. Mulrox took the root and rubbed it once on Groxor’s outstretched arm. Mulrox stopped and then handed the root over to Groxor.

  Groxor grabbed it and wiped the foaming thing once on his hand, once on his belly. Then he paused, held the plant up in front of him, his eyes slightly crossed, and chucked it down stream.

  “Groxor!” Mulrox waded after the soap, but it slipped from his reach, catching the current and sailing downstream. He yanked the leash, sending Groxor splashing to the pond floor. The green ogre spluttered up to the surface a moment later, smacking the water with his arms and splashing Mulrox.

  The malcognitos’ delighted giggling echoed from the bank. Mulrox looked up to see them pointing at him. “Why don’t you try it!” Mulrox yelled.

  Yvwi again said nothing, but the other malcognitos zoomed forward, and five or six of them grabbed hold of the rope. For a brief moment, Mulrox wondered if this was a good idea, but then Groxor slipped and another wave of brackish water hit him in the face.

  “Have at it!” Mulrox stomped his way out of the pond. “Don’t forget to scrub,” he said and broke off several more pieces of the soap root, holding them up for the swarming malcognitos who took them with glee. Mulrox then lay out on the silty shore and watched the show.

  The malcognitos attacked Groxor. Toad-springs-eternal rubbed the root in his hair, and Spit-on-him scrubbed his chin. Dinner-bell-of-destruction hovered over him and then lost control of the slippery root and dropped it down the back of the ogre’s shirt. Groxor flailed, trying to slap the slimy plant away from him. But another wave of malcognitos were already on him, swarming and tussling. He went down again and then popped up, spluttering. Duckweed dripped off his head.

  Tree-with-frog-legs flung a piece of the soap at Groxor, but the ogre ducked. The root missed its target and smacked Spinakle-rex in the chest, sending him cartwheeling through the air. Moments later, he beelined straight for Tree-with-frog-legs, who shrieked and ran for all he was worth, dodging this way and that around his companions to get away from the ball of spikes that was barreling toward him. Rock-like-skin stretched out, trying to block Spinakle’s path, but Spinakle-rex grabbed them both with his long, spiked tentacles, wrapping around them like a snake. He was reeling them in when Dinner-bell-of-destruction, who had been hovering a foot above the rest of the malcognitos, inched her way over them and then cannonballed the whole lot into the water.

  The pond erupted in a chaos of malcognitos, scratching, sneezing, and biting. Droplets of water and sparkling blue phlegm littered the air. At times, Mulrox thought he even saw plumes of white powder dance across the air over the pond. He didn’t unde
rstand where it was coming from, but then again, he understood very little about the malcognitos in general. Death-with-a-kiss shoved a piece of the root into Groxor’s mouth. The ogre’s eyes grew wide, and he spat and spluttered, foaming at the mouth.

  Mulrox smiled. The malcognitos were strange, but they did have their uses. Perhaps a few of them could come back with him. He closed his eyes and pictured the destruction Death-with-a-kiss could cause if she joined the Raid Brigade. She certainly was a natural.

  Groxor was yelling again, garbled noises that vaguely resembled words.

  Mulrox looked up to see what fresh torture the malcognitos had come up with, but the moment he glanced in their direction, he locked eyes with Groxor. His cold eyes were angry and the faraway look of the malcognitus was gone.

  “Mulrox!!” he bellowed.

  Groxor stomped through the water toward him, his bottle-cap ears waggling uncontrollably. He swung a massive arm at the malcognitos, who scattered like pigeons. In one of his enormous fists was Death-with-a-kiss squeezed so tight she was practically bulging at each end. The old Groxor was back.

  “EXPLAIN. NOW!”

  “Gro-Groxor,” Mulrox stuttered, scrambling to his feet. “You’re better.”

  “I’m always the best,” he growled and wiped his mouth with the back of his sleeve as small bubbles started to form. “What in Bluebeard’s key is this?!” he asked, thrusting the malcognito into Mulrox’s face. Before Mulrox could say anything, Death-with-a-kiss leaned back and bit Groxor’s thumb. The ogre howled and threw the malcognito as far as he could. She soared over the pond, then slowed her own trajectory and flew back to her comrades to a cluster of enthusiastic high fives.

  Behind Mulrox, tree branches snapped and popped, and a moment later, Geraldine burst out of the trees, followed closely by Yahgurkin.

  “Are you okay? Geraldine heard trouble and—Groxor? He’s fixed?”

  “You?” Groxor looked up and then flushed an emerald shade of green. “What are you doing here? Where are we?” Groxor hiccupped and a soap bubble the size of a watermelon burst from his mouth. He threw his hands over his face.

  “Wow! Nice one,” Yahgurkin said. She turned back to Mulrox. “How did you do it? I tried everything.”

  “I don’t know. I was on the shore, and the malcognitos were giving Groxor a bath—”

  “A bath?!” Groxor said.

  “The water? Or the soap root?” Yahgurkin asked. “I should have thought of that!”

  “I believe it was our superior cleaning abilities,” Yvwi said.

  “Maybe it wore off,” Mulrox suggested.

  “What wore off?” Groxor said.

  “Malcognitus,” Yahgurkin said. “We’ll have to study it more closely in the future.”

  “HEY!” Groxor stomped his foot. “Where are we?! I was in Ulgorprog. This is not Ulgorprog.”

  “We’re in the Woods Mercurial,” Yahgurkin said.

  “WHAT?!” Groxor’s eyes grew as big as toadstools. “WHY?!” He was practically shouting in Yahgurkin’s face. Mulrox couldn’t believe it after everything she had done for him. He would have been rakorvin food without her.

  “We were going after you for one thing,” Mulrox said.

  “Excuse me?” Groxor tapped Mulrox in the chest with a beefy finger. “After me? I’ve never set foot in the Woods Mercurial in my whole life.”

  “Huh, that’s funny,” Yvwi chimed in. “Because you’ve been rolling in it for the past two days.”

  “I—” Groxor eyes darted around the group until they landed on Mulrox. “This is all your doing! The last thing I remember I was at your house and these little boogers showed up. This is all highly irregular.”

  At that moment, Fleecefuz, who had been off chewing some leaves, broke through the bushes and scampered toward Groxor.

  “What the?”

  Fleecefuz butted his head into Groxor’s side and gazed up into his eyes.

  “What’s this?” He stuck out a hand and tried to push the sheep’s head away.

  “A roaming cotton ball,” Yvwi said.

  “That’s Fleecefuz. You liberated him from a sheep gang,” Yahgurkin said.

  Groxor’s mouth fell open.

  “And you saved all of us,” Yahgurkin added.

  “That sounds more like me. You’ve of course heard of how I single-handedly took down the dread ship Billibob.”

  Mulrox couldn’t believe this was happening. He pinched his forehead.

  “Groxor,” Yvwi began. “I know I’ve questioned your intelligence in the past—maybe I even thought you were a waste of space—but we are going to need you to protect us from the Vaccus, so let’s leave the past in the past.”

  Groxor squinted at Yvwi. “What’s this little booger talking about?

  “The Vaccus. We have to go to Sounous to stop the Vaccus from attacking the malcognitos and turning them into dendrools,” Yahgurkin said.

  “This is nonsense.”

  “There’s also no way for you to get to Sounous. The portal they traveled through is gone,” Mulrox said.

  “Enough.” Groxor waved his hands. “I’m not dealing with any Vaccus. I don’t need this kind of trouble. In fact,” Groxor leapt to his feet, “I don’t need any of this. I’m the youngest raid leader Ulgorprog’s ever seen. I can’t be caught up in… whatever this is.”

  “I told you,” Mulrox said.

  “Groxor, if you’d reconsider—” Yvwi said.

  “No. I’m going home. Come on, Yahgurkin. Let’s go,” Groxor said.

  Yahgurkin’s forehead crinkled. “You’re leaving?!”

  “I’m not camping out in the woods and eating anymore flowers or whatever it is you lot have been up to. There’s nothing wrong with my house, and no one’s after me.”

  Mulrox couldn’t help but smirk. This was their great champion.

  “But the Vaccus! You could defeat it,” Yvwi said.

  “You don’t know that,” Mulrox said. “You don’t even really know what it is.”

  “Of course I could. But it sounds like I’ve already saved your necks once. And it’s only been what? A day? Two? I have the Behemoth to think about. I’m the front-runner, you know.”

  “You have a chance to take on the greatest beast we’ve ever heard of, and you want to enter a contest instead?” Yahgurkin said.

  “It’s not any contest,” Groxor said. “Plus, I’m pretty sure I’m going to win.”

  Yahgurkin glared at him. “You could save the malcognitos.”

  Mulrox thought he saw Groxor blush before he bit his lip and then burst out, “This is clearly one of Mulrox’s ridiculous stunts. Let him sort out the mess. Come on,” he said and grabbed Yahgurkin’s elbow.

  “I’m not going anywhere!” Yahgurkin yanked her arm out of his grasp. “The malcognitos need me.”

  Groxor laughed. “They don’t need you.”

  Yahgurkin turned to Mulrox, her fists thrust into her hips. “Tell him.”

  Mulrox opened his mouth, but no words came out. Groxor was glowering at him.

  “See,” Groxor said.

  Yahgurkin’s face began to crumple in on itself. “I thought you were better than this!” she shouted and, without looking up, ran into the trees. Geraldine hopped up to the green ogre and slapped him across the face with her tongue. Groxor’s eyes bulged, but before he could do anything, the toad hopped off after Yahgurkin.

  Groxor’s brow shot down over his eyes. “What do I care! Stay out here. Don’t rush back.” He dusted himself off and started in the opposite direction.

  “So glad to have the real Groxor back,” Mulrox said.

  Yvwi ignored him. “Groxor, wait!” he shouted. “See, the Vaccus is—” He had to duck as Groxor’s fist swung at him. “A terrible threat and—” Groxor swung again. “We need your help to—”

  “I don’t know how you dragged me out here, but I’m not sticking around to find out what happens next.”

  “But you are all we have left!”

  “
Get lost, boogers!” Groxor said. “It’s not going to happen.”

  Yvwi stopped then and watched as Groxor clomped forward through the ferns and bracken, leaving a large, ogre-sized hole as he went.

  Yvwi said nothing as the other malcognitos caught up with him. They floated listlessly on the far side of the pond.

  The sky was fading. It would be dark soon. A light wind rustled the leaves, and Mulrox shivered involuntarily. He stared at the malcognitos for several long moments, then turned and trudged back to camp.

  23

  No one had said a word for some time now. Yahgurkin sat in the dirt, her arms wrapped about her knees, staring off into the distance. Geraldine was wedged under a bush with Toad-springs-eternal, and Yvwi was in the branches of a tree several feet above them. Groxor had made his showy exit, but Fleecefuz too had abandoned them. The only sign they found of the sheep were hoofprints starting off in the direction Groxor had gone.

  Mulrox hauled out the kettle. Though it was smudged and dirty, he could make out his own reflection. Mulrox polished the side with his sleeve and held it up. There he was, warped and blurry but recognizable: puny neck, pathetic overbite, skin tomato red. And yet, he hardly recognized who he was becoming.

  Mulrox tried not to think as he walked down to the pond and filled the kettle. He gathered a small bundle of sticks, dried leaves, and moss and kindled a fire. He managed to shove a few of the remaining potatoes around the edge of the fire and prop the kettle up on a stone nearby before the thoughts overpowered him again.

  Yvwi knew Mulrox to be a disappointment, incapable of the task at hand, and the malcognitos ignored him as irrelevant. Geraldine was so angry with him she was hardly speaking to him. He had somehow managed to enrage even Yahgurkin, who had always given him a million chances, always stood by. It had hurt to be so easily replaced by Groxor, but they had been right. Even with malcognitus, Groxor had succeeded where Mulrox had faltered. If they knew how close he had been to turning in the malcognitos to the sheep… He shuddered.