Mulrox and the Malcognitos

by Kerelyn Smith

  “What’s wrong with them?” Yahgurkin said.

  “They’re glamoured.”

  “Glamoured?” Yahgurkin asked

  “Enchanted. Bewitched. You didn’t think they looked like that naturally, did you? Sheep are normally quite disgusting. It’s all an illusion.”

  “The sheep enchanted themselves in order to catch Mulrox and destroy the malcognitos?”

  “Highly unlikely. They can hardly string two words together. The glamoured are under the will of something else. I suppose it could be another sheep, but I don’t see why. I imagine they took the same sort of deal they offered me. Their master would fix me and my tail in exchange for pledging to help their cause.”

  “Capturing Mulrox and the malcognitos?”

  “Naturally. They of course failed to mention the brain-dead zomboid state that the glamour leaves you in. Not the kind of bargain I was looking for.”

  “And there’s the non-interference clause,” Yahgurkin said.

  “Yes, that too. I’m sure I’m not the only one they visited. They are bound to have gone to others whose principles are not up to my impeccable standard.”

  “There could be more glamoured animals?”

  Rodenia nodded.

  “The sheep are trying to stop us from reaching Sounous. There must be something there I need to do.”

  “So best not to dally about all day asking questions. Get thee to Sounous.”

  “The portal’s gone,” Yvwi said.

  “Of course. It’s a portal, not a highway. If you’re ready, we can clear this up now.”

  “You’ll send us to Sounous?” Yahgurkin said, practically laughing with relief.

  “What else? Watching you flail is not as enjoyable as you may think. Though why you lot couldn’t think of this on your own, I’ll never know. But you know me, I live to serve. Stand over there.” The squirrelmonk pointed.

  They followed her orders, huddling together under one of the trees. Yahgurkin picked up Geraldine, and Yvwi floated over Mulrox’s shoulder, the malcognitos surrounding them.

  “Now what?” Mulrox asked.

  “Hand it over,” Rodenia said.

  “I already gave you my notebook.”

  “Not your notebook. Give me the golden walnut, and I’ll send you along.”

  Mulrox stared at the others in confusion.

  “Do we have a golden walnut?” Yahgurkin looked to Mulrox, who looked to Yvwi.

  Yvwi stared at the ground. “No,” he muttered.

  “What do you mean ‘no’? You must have found it, or you wouldn’t be here and we wouldn’t be in this mess,” Rodenia said.

  “I did have it, but I might have left it in Sounous,” said Yvwi.

  “You left the golden walnut?” Rodenia’s voice went cold.

  “I could only convince some ideas to come with me. I didn’t want to leave the rest of them there with no options.”

  “How… I…” The squirrelmonk closed her eyes and threw both paws up in air, her little claws rigid with anger. “The walnut is a key,” she said through clenched teeth. “A key to a very important, super-secret, hardly ever unlocked door. You don’t leave the door open, and you certainly don’t leave the key sitting in the door for anyone to hop along and take.”

  “It’s not like you left instructions,” Yvwi said. “It seemed logical.”

  “Logical?!” Rodenia shrieked. “Someone else has the key. And could be doing who knows what with it. You could have anything coming over now.”

  “The grinder,” Yahgurkin said.

  “There’s a grinder in Veralby? How did it get to this dimension?” They nodded. The squirrelmonk started pacing. “Oh-oh-oh-oh, that’s bad. An open portal weakens the dimensional walls. The longer it’s open and the more things that pass through, the thinner the walls become. Tears, holes—the sheep! I’m surprised you don’t have ideas popping into existence every time Mulrox thinks of something.”

  “We do!” Yahgurkin said. “Spit-on-him and Consult-the-squirrelmonk, and—”

  Rodenia backed away from them, shaking her head. “Wow, you lot are really up against it. The routes across realms are supposed to be contained: insanity, dreams, squirrelmonk intervention. But this, this is a free-for-all. Walnuts don’t just disappear. Ideas aren’t supposed to fall across realms. A grinder…”

  “Maybe the walnut got lost?” Mulrox suggested.

  “Yes, and maybe a squirrelmonk is just a fancy-looking squirrel. Use your brain. Someone found your walnut. Someone who has done enough damage already to make the border look like Swiss cheese. If you don’t stop them, the malcognitos’ dimension will continue to leak into Veralby, and then there will be complete chaos. You don’t want to see a dendrool in person, believe me.”

  “Alright,” Yvwi said. “We’re ready. Send us to Sounous.”

  “We’ve been over this! I can’t send you anywhere without the walnut.”

  “But then how are we supposed to get there?” Mulrox asked.

  “Weren’t you listening? There will be portals everywhere now. Like the one the sheep must have gone through. All you have to do is find one, or find someone who knows where one is. And I’d do it soon or you are not going to like the consequences.”

  “Look, Rodenia. What if—” Mulrox started, but the squirrelmonk was gone.

  26

  With Rodenia gone, the group trudged out of the squirrelmonk’s hollow and found somewhere to rest against a downed tree. Mulrox and Yahgurkin sat on the log while Geraldine perched on a nearby stump, looking down on them all.

  “No Vaccus,” Yahgurkin said. “It couldn’t all be a misunderstanding, could it? Maybe one of the other malcognitos found the walnut and is trying to send us messages?”

  “With berserk sheep and a grinder?” Mulrox asked. “My ideas are bad, but I don’t think they are that bad.”

  Yvwi nodded. “We’re not really the world-domination sort. Plus, it wouldn’t explain the disappearances.”

  “Is there anyone who has it out for you? Who hates your ideas?” Yahgurkin asked.

  “Groxor,” Mulrox said.

  “If this is Groxor’s master plan, then he’s even more damaged than I thought,” Yvwi said. “I don’t think malcognitus was high on his wish list.”

  “Who else?” Yahgurkin said.

  “I don’t trust that squirrelmonk,” Mulrox grumbled.

  “Yes, trust is not the word that comes to mind,” Yvwi said.

  “Don’t be ridiculous,” Yahgurkin scolded. “Rodenia took a solemn oath. She can’t interfere with what happens—you heard her.”

  “I also heard her take our bribes,” Mulrox said.

  “She was just open to a little nudging in the right direction.”

  “And the wrong direction?” Yvwi said.

  “We were in her hollow. If she wanted to capture us, she had ample opportunity.”

  Yahgurkin had a fair point.

  “The dendrools?” Mulrox asked.

  “They’re hardly even alive.”

  “What about the grinder then? It seems to be in charge,” Mulrox said.

  “In Sounous, grinders are grunts,” said Yvwi. “They roam around, building and fixing things. They don’t even speak.”

  “This one does,” said Mulrox.

  Yvwi looked at him sharply. “What do you mean?”

  “Well, not speak exactly. You’ve heard it.”

  “No,” Yahgurkin said. “What does it sound like?”

  “Like Mulrox is making things up,” Yvwi said.

  “I don’t know. I think it’s the grinder,” Yahgurkin said. “I’ve never seen anything quite so—” She shivered. “It controls the sheep.”

  “It’s not the grinder. It has to be someone with mental capacity who hates your ideas.”

  “But what if it is? You’ve been wrong before.”

  Yvwi huffed.

  “How do we stop it?” Yahgurkin asked.

  “We go to Sounous,” Mulrox said. “It’s the one thing
they’ve been trying to stop us from doing this whole time.”

  “It’s too bad Fleecefuz disappeared,” Yahgurkin said. “He must have gone through the portal with the other sheep. I’m sure he could have taken us right to one.”

  “Groxor probably tied him to a tree somewhere,” Mulrox grumbled.

  Yahgurkin shook her head. “This is so frustrating! We have no plan, no direction, no supplies.”

  Mulrox looked down at his bedraggled blanket. She was right—the grinder had cleaned them out.

  “You even gave up your notebook, and we still don’t have any leads. If I’m honest, that squirrelmonk was not as grand as I thought she’d be. Not by half.”

  “I—” Mulrox started. Something was stirring in his mind. Maybe it wasn’t the grinder, but even so, he bet it could tell them something useful. “I think I have an idea.”

  There was an answering pop from behind him.

  * * *

  Mulrox and Yahgurkin were digging a hole, a deep one. The scent of sweat and fresh dirt was all around them. Without spades or buckets, it was a slow, rough process and his hands were chapped and aching.

  They were up to their shoulders when Yahgurkin stopped and turned to him. “This is kind of like gardening, don’t you think?” She rubbed her face and left a dark smudge across her broad nose. “Is this enough?”

  Mulrox shook his head. “Deeper. I don’t want that thing to even think about escape.”

  They kept digging.

  “Are you sure you’re okay with this?” Yahgurkin looked at Yvwi.

  “You mean Mulrox using us as live bait for the grinder? Why would I possibly have a problem with that?”

  “Not so chipper when you’re the one at risk, are you?” Mulrox asked.

  Yvwi sighed.

  Not all the malcognitos were worried. Death-with-a-kiss and Spinakle-rex had been overjoyed at their prominent roles and were racing each other around the pit’s perimeter.

  The hole was now some five feet long and at least eleven feet deep. Mulrox could barely see out.

  “I think that’s good,” Mulrox said.

  He turned to give Yahgurkin a boost, but she had already scrambled out and was extending a hand down to him.

  “One of the few benefits of being tall,” she said.

  “Thanks.”

  She hauled him up.

  Mulrox dusted off his hands and turned to the malcognitos. “Ready?” he asked.

  It was time for their part of the plan. Before Mulrox had even finished speaking, Spinakle-rex and Death-with-a-kiss dove into the hole with an enthusiastic flourish.

  Next up was Rock-like-skin, who waddled to the edge of the pit and was joined by Spit-on-him and Tree-with-frog-legs. The two malcognitos helped fold Rock-like-skin into a sort of accordion shape, and then Spit-on-him sat himself straight down on the trailing end.

  “Okay,” Mulrox said. “Go ahead.”

  Tree-with-frog-legs grabbed the top end of Rock-like-skin and pushed down into his bouncy hind legs. Then with an enormous shove, he leapt into the air, soaring toward the other side with Rock-like-skin fluttering out behind him like a cape. They landed on the far side of the hole with a thud, sending a spray of dirt and pebbles back into the pit beneath him.

  Mulrox gave a thumbs-up as Tree-with-frog-legs stabilized himself and walked away from the hole with Rock-like-skin held tight in his grip. When Rock-like-skin was stretched out as far as he could reach, Tree-with-frog-legs turned back to the hole and planted himself on top of him.

  “You’re looking very lifelike these days, Rock,” Yahgurkin said.

  “That would be your and Mulrox’s doing. All the attention does wonders for our complexion,” Yvwi said.

  Yahgurkin was right. Rock-like-skin now completely covered the hole, and his grainy surface was almost indistinguishable from the rest of the forest floor.

  “Who’s next? Toad?” Yahgurkin asked.

  But the malcognito did not come forward. Mulrox searched the camp and then spotted her hunched behind a tree. She was shaking all over, and her big eyes rolled up toward him as he approached.

  “Toad… I… You don’t have to.”

  He was searching for something to say when he felt a bump against his calves and Geraldine shoved him out of the way. She hustled past him and up to Toad-springs-eternal sidling against her so that their sides touched. The black toad leaned in and rested her head against the malcognito. Mulrox turned back toward their trap.

  “We don’t need bait,” he said. “We can—” But he was cut short by another thump to his calves.

  Toad-springs-eternal and Geraldine shoved past him and hopped up to the edge of the pit. Geraldine gurgled to Toad-springs-eternal, who nodded. With one great leap, she landed smack in the center of the pit. Rock-like-skin dipped precariously. Mulrox was about to rush forward and grab them when Rock-like-skin bounced back into place. Though she was now suspended some eleven feet in the air, Toad-springs-eternal looked to be sitting on a perfectly flat piece of earth.

  Mulrox turned to look for Geraldine to thank her, but she had already scuttled off and was leaning against Yahgurkin’s legs.

  “I think this is going to work!” Yahgurkin said to Geraldine, stroking her head.

  There were two answering pokes from beneath Rock-like-skin.

  “Yes, we know how you two feel.” Yvwi rolled his eyes and turned to Mulrox. “You’ve set your trap. Now what?”

  “Now we wait.”

  27

  It was dark. The moon was up, and the sky was full of bright, tiny stars that looked like pinholes in the fabric of the night. Mulrox was perched in a tree, overlooking their trap. He shifted uneasily in the rough branches and grumbled as he set his hand in a sticky pile of sap. If he had known he would have to wait this long, he would have picked a more comfortable hideout.

  Mulrox wondered how the others were making out. He could barely see Yahgurkin and Geraldine curled up in a tree across from him. While most of the malcognitos appeared to have relaxed into their positions, Toad-springs-eternal was still wide awake, her head swiveling this way and that, following the creaks and groans of the forest. There had been no sign of the grinder.

  Was it possible that it had given up? What if it had seen through his ploy and was waiting, thinking of the best way to turn the setup to its advantage? Mulrox looked anxiously down at Toad-springs-eternal.

  “Not much of a show so far.” Yvwi’s voice floated out of the darkness.

  “No,” Mulrox said. “Not much.”

  “A good idea though.”

  “Apparently I have those too.”

  “Mulrox…” The little blue malcognito was twisting its stubby arms, curling and uncurling.

  “What’s wrong with you? Do you have to pee or something? Do you even do that?”

  “No.” Yvwi scowled but did not stop twitching.

  “Well, what?”

  “We… we wanted to say thank you for helping us and, you know, that we are sorry to have dragged you into this. Even though you were sort of already involved, but still.”

  He had never heard the malcognito sound less sarcastic. He was about to reply when he saw something creeping along the ground below them.

  “Yvwi,” Mulrox whispered, but the malcognito pushed on.

  “About the potential collapse of the realms. I couldn’t have been expected to know—”

  There was a flash of movement, and Mulrox saw Rock-like-skin cave in and drop to the bottom of the pit. “It’s here!”

  Mulrox slipped down from the tree, landing on all fours. From inside the pit came thuds and clanging. He sprinted toward the hole.

  It was the grinder alright. The thing was scrabbling wildly about on the bottom of the trap, clearly in a panic as Spinakle-rex and Death-with-a-kiss attempted to wrestle it to the ground.

  The two bellicose malcognitos were a whirr of activity, floating in front of the grinder, riding its back, weaving in and out of its many arms as it tried to snatch them.
Rock-like-skin was busy trying to extract himself from under the grinder and, after several contortions, managed to flutter his way up to the rest of them.

  Tree-with-frog-legs, Spit-on-him, and Toad-springs-eternal were crowded on the far side of the pit, being high-fived and congratulated by the other malcognitos.

  “It worked!” Yahgurkin said.

  Mulrox looked down into the pit where the battle was still being waged. Death-with-a-kiss and Spinakle-rex were hopping up and down on one of the grinder’s saw blades. The metal groaned as it gave way under their weight, bending off-center into a useless angle. The grinder smacked the malcognitos with a ruler and then scrambled away from them as far as it could go, cradling the saw arm.

  “Now what?” Yvwi said.

  “We keep it captive and get it to take us to whatever portal it came through,” Mulrox said.

  “Good luck with that. They’re really not that bright. I keep telling you.”

  “Spinakle, Death I think that’s enough,” Yahgurkin said.

  But Death-with-a-kiss had not had enough. She dove straight at the grinder and then, halting a few inches from it, hauled back and spit on the monster. The grinder twitched, shuddered, then collapsed in a pile of limbs on the pit floor. It covered the top of its body with as many of its legs as would fit, shrinking into a confusing pile of tools. Death-with-a-kiss floated back up to the others, beaming.

  “Grinder,” Yahgurkin said, lowering her voice in a way Mulrox assumed was supposed to sound stern. “Why are you doing this?”

  The grinder ignored Yahgurkin.

  “Grinder!” Yahgurkin said.

  Mulrox had the same prickly sensation he felt the first time he saw the creature on his way back from the Raid Brigade—and again each time afterward. It felt like he had slipped a scratchy wool sweater over his brain.

  Mulrox.

  Mulrox looked up at Yahgurkin, but she was now waving her fist at the grinder. “We’ve won. We’ve foiled your plan. Explain yourself,” she demanded.

  “I’m telling you, it won’t be able to explain anything,” Yvwi said. “Do the words mindless drone mean anything to you?”