He nearly choked on the food in his mouth as he laughed. “I do indeed. I only had time to ask my assistant to put something together. In the time I showered he’d reserved this for an hour and I got a text when we arrived that lunch would be delivered at three.”
“What I could accomplish with a group of assistants and unlimited means.” I sighed wistfully and his smile grew.
“What would be the first thing you’d do?”
I pretended to have to think about it, but I’d already daydreamed about a situation like this. “I’d formally create a nonprofit. I’d have a team securing grants and donations, another organizing volunteers for projects, and of course, I’d need a styling team so I could use that energy and mental space to think of new ways to help children and animals.”
He didn’t respond for several seconds. “You’ve really thought about this haven’t you?”
I smiled. “A bit.”
He leaned back in his chair as his eyes roamed over me. “You know, I wasn’t expecting you either.”
My cheeks heated remembering my desperate rant this morning. I’d been up all night regretting throwing away a chance to spend time with him. I’d beaten myself up until I decided I wasn’t going to make the same mistake again. I refused to miss my chance. I was going to be vulnerable and open up. I was going to go against my nature, channel Vanessa for once, and go for it.
And I had.
And he listened.
“Oh?” I wanted more. I wanted to hear all he would say.
“I came all the way across an ocean and a continent for a single purpose. To represent the crown.” He tried to smile, but it fell flat. “All I ever do is represent the crown. I was focused on finishing the book tour and returning home back to my normal duties. I just wanted to get back home.”
We weren’t as different as I’d originally thought. Sure, he was run by his family and his country and I lived for the organizations I supported, but at the end of the day, we both let outside forces dictate our lives. We lived for other people. We sacrificed our time, energy, happiness, and everything we had left after until there was nothing left to give.
“Meeting you at the bookstore was terrifying.” His eyes met mine. “At first, I thought you would mob me as most women do.”
I chuckled and he blushed which just made me laugh harder. “Sorry, sorry. You’re right. I just wasn’t expecting you to be so blunt.”
He narrowed his eyes in a mock glare. “I’m stating a fact.”
I waved him off. “I know, please continue.”
“You treated me like you would anyone else. You were a bit standoffish, which was another new thing for me. You surprised me by staying. Then you surprised me by showing up at the house.”
“At my house.”
“I couldn’t have expected any of this.” He smiled before his features grew serious. “Neither of us were looking. It happened though, and I couldn’t be more grateful.”
I smiled then remembered this was his last day. Tomorrow he’d be on a plane back to Lochland. My stomach went sour at the realization that this was it. This was all we had left.
“Is it bad to admit I’m disappointed?”
His eyebrows pulled together. “What?”
I reached forward and curled my fingers around his. “I’m disappointed this is it.”
He shook his head. “What do you mean? You’re disappointed in who I am?”
I pursed my lips and nodded. “I guess so.”
He pulled his hand away from mine. “I don’t understand. I thought you were just saying it was a good thing we met.”
I nodded, blinking away the tears that surprised me. I never thought I’d care about him the way I already did. “No, that’s not what I mean. I’m disappointed that we met like this. We only had a few days together. You’re leaving and…” I couldn’t finish. I couldn't say out loud that we’d likely never see each other again.
I studied my hands while trying to compose myself. I sniffled before looking up. Cian was watching me with an expression I couldn’t decipher. His eyes held anger, or maybe confusion.
“Cian?”
He cleared his throat. “I misunderstood. I thought you….” He shook his head. “Never mind. I wish the circumstances were different. I wish I had more time here, but I can’t stay. I’ve already pushed meetings back. I’ve neglected my responsibilities.”
I nodded and sniffled again, embarrassed my emotions were leaking out. “I know, Cian. I know it’s not fair to expect anything from you. I’m just sad.”
He leaned forward and waited for me to meet his eyes before speaking. “I’d never ask this of you if there was another option, but I’ve been thinking of every scenario. The best idea I have is for you to come with me.”
My jaw practically hit the floor. “Come with you? To Lochland?”
He nodded, there was no hint of joking or teasing on his face. “Even for a little while. I want to share my world with you.”
“I can’t.” I shook my head as my heart rate picked up. He couldn’t be serious. “My life is here. My family. I can’t just leave. The shelter needs me. I’m organizing another school in Peru. I can’t just leave the country.”
He leaned back in his seat. He appeared as dejected as I felt. “I knew it was a lot to ask. I wish there was another way. I wish I could move here and be the one to sacrifice, but I can’t govern a country remotely.”
I nodded. “Of course not.”
This was a mistake. I knew I shouldn’t have listened to Vanessa. I was right last night to run. It wasn’t fear, it was self-preservation. This was an irresponsible, impulsive, just plain stupid decision.
I scooted my chair back and stood. Cian jumped to his feet. “Serena, please. Let’s not let this ruin our day.”
“Why draw it out? Why keep this up? It’ll just make it harder.” I choked out the words. I just wanted to go home. I wanted to hide in my room, under the blankets, with a box of tissues and a bag of chocolate.
I turned and hurried toward the stairs. Cian caught up to me and grabbed my hand. “Please.”
The look in his eyes paralyzed me. I stared at him, begging for him to fix this, fix my cracking heart. I wanted to rewind time. Go back an hour to when things were perfect. Easy.
“Serena.” He whispered my name like a prayer. Before I could think of a reason to run, he leaned down closing the regrettable distance between us.
I gasped a moment before his lips came down on mine. The sweet pressure of his smooth lips made me forget…everything.
One of his hands slid down from my shoulders to the small of my back while the other captured my face, not letting me move. I couldn’t fathom the possibility of anything but living in this perfect moment forever.
He pulled back enough to take a breath before devouring me all over again. Every sensation besides the warmth spreading from my lips to my cheeks, neck, stomach, and down to my toes disappeared. I brought both my hands up to his head, refusing to let him leave me. This couldn't be our only chance. There had to be more.
His lips grazed my jaw then he kissed my cheek.
“This isn’t the end.” He whispered before pulling away.
I swayed, leaning into him to stay upright. I rested my head against his chest, not wanting to let this moment end. I didn’t want to go back to real life. This was so much better.
“Let’s go.” He offered his hand and helped me to stand.
The crack in my heart split a fraction more with each step we took toward the car. I knew this was it. Our time was over. Whatever could have been would remain a mystery. There was no way I could leave with him. We’d say goodbye tomorrow and he’d go back to his normal life in a palace and I’d go back to picking up poop.
The thought almost made me laugh. Almost.
It wasn’t supposed to hurt this much. I wasn’t supposed to fall for a prince. I should have known better. Up until today, I did. I never should have opened my mouth this morning. I should have stayed quiet a
s he expected. Then I wouldn't feel a sense of disappointment and impending doom.
Sure, I wouldn't have had this time with Cian. I wouldn’t have these memories, but this made it hurt worse. I’d rather never have known love than watch it walk away.
The ride home was silent. His driver didn’t say a single word to break the tension. The moment the house was in sight, I had my seat belt off. I opened the door the second the car stopped.
If he called after me, I didn’t hear him over the sound of my heels slapping against the pavement and the pounding in my head as I fought back tears.
“Serena?” David shouted my name as I ran past him up the stairs. I didn’t stop. I didn’t turn around. I just needed to get away from everyone. I needed to be alone. Alone. Was this all I was destined for? To know someone I could love but never have him?
10
Cian
“You better have an incredibly solid reason for why my sister just ran past me crying.”
I stopped in the doorway at the sight of David glaring at me. I sighed and leaned against the wall. “It’s not what you think.”
“Oh really? So, you didn’t make her cry?”
I shook my head and walked past him and into the living room. I had to sit if we were going to have this conversation and I had a feeling he’d need to as well once he heard what I had to say.
“What happened, Cian?”
I dropped onto the sofa and put my head in my hands. I knew I’d made a mistake asking her to come to Lochland. I should have come up with a better plan. Something that would have worked for both of us.
“We had a really great day,” I began.
“Look at me.”
I rubbed my face, not wanting to fully confront my best friend.
“Cian. Look at me.”
I finally did. He was standing over me like he was two seconds away from ripping me apart.
“What happened?”
“I’m leaving. That’s what happened.”
He seemed confused for a moment before sighing and sitting across from me. “You have feelings for her.” It wasn’t a question. He knew me well enough to know the truth. “And she has feelings for you?”
I nodded. It physically pained me to know that she was hurting because of me.
“But you live on two different continents.”
“You’ve got it right.” I sighed and leaned back.
His shoulders slumped, appearing as crestfallen as I felt. “This sucks.”
“It does.” I sighed and ran my hand over my face once more. “I checked my schedule before we left for lunch. I tried to postpone returning, but I can’t. I have to get back. I asked her to come with me, even just for a short visit, but she said she couldn’t and I understand. Her life is here. You and Vanessa are here. The jobs she loves are here. It’s unfair to ask that of her, but I don’t have the option to be anywhere but Lochland.”
David nodded once. “It’s not simple.”
I chuckled grimly. “Neither of us expected to fall for each other.”
He met my eyes and smiled. “I can’t say I didn’t see it coming. The first night, when you two saw each other I knew there was potential.”
I thought of that night and smiled. “I don’t regret meeting her, and getting to know her.”
“I know, man.” He sighed. “It’s just unfortunate. I never wanted to see either of you hurt.”
I cleared my throat. “I didn’t think it would hurt this much. I couldn't have imagined she’d have feelings for me, too.”
“The timing might not be right, but maybe…” David’s voice trailed off and he shrugged his shoulders.
I wanted to hold onto that hope, but that was unfair to both of us.
“I’m going to leave tonight,” I said. “I don’t want to cause her more pain by drawing this out.”
He looked like he wanted to argue as his jaw tightened but he finally nodded. “Okay.”
I felt like we were saying goodbye. Like this was the end for us too. That wasn’t something I would let happen. “David, you’ve been my mate for years. I hope this doesn’t change that.”
He shook his head. “Of course not. I’ll stop by in a few months. I’ve got meetings in Edinburgh and London. I’ll see you then.”
“Sounds good.” I stood up and went to my room to gather my things. My plane would be waiting at the airport for me by now, so leaving early wouldn’t be a problem. I’m sure my staff would be happy to get back to their homes and families. Normally, I would be too. But this was the first time I wanted to stay away. The only time the draw of the palace and my duties were outweighed by something else.
My heart.
* * *
Lewis, my assistant, came through for the second time that day. The plane was fueled and waiting when Justin pulled onto the tarmac. Part of me regretted leaving without saying goodbye to Vanessa and Serena. Vanessa might forgive me when she read the note I left inviting her to visit the palace, but Serena would be a challenge. If she ever spoke to me again, and that was an enormous if, I’d be begging for forgiveness. I didn’t want to make things harder on her now. At the moment she wanted to be alone so I was leaving. All I’d been able to get down on paper was that I understood why she couldn't come and that I’d miss her.
Leaving without saying goodbye wasn’t what I wanted. I felt like a coward. I didn’t want to give up. I didn’t want to leave without a plan of seeing each other again. But it wasn’t up to me. Well, not just me.
That was why I was leaving, but it wasn’t goodbye. This wasn’t the end. It couldn't be.
“Good evening, sir,” Lewis greeted me in front of the plane. “Are you ready?”
I nodded and passed him to take the stairs. He knew better than to ask about the sudden change in plans. He’d been the one to set up the date, he must know it hadn’t gone well. One day, soon, he’d get the answers out of me but for now, he was letting me live in my head.
I sat toward the back of the plane on a sofa and kicked up my legs, stretching out and throwing an arm over my eyes. Eleven hours of flying would be more than enough to think about where things went wrong. Maybe I could even convince myself I was better off.
Our lives didn’t match. We couldn’t work. She had obligations around the world. The sooner I accepted that the better. Holding onto the hope that we would have another chance would simply prolong the pain. I didn't want to resign to that fact. I wanted to fight for her, but was that what was best for both of us?
“We’re taking off, sir,” Lewis whispered as if he was afraid of waking me.
I lifted my hand in a small wave of acknowledgment but remained in place.
My thoughts were at war. Half of me knew this was the end, but the other was planning what to do the moment we touched down.
If only there was someone I could talk to. Someone that knew what I was going through.
Aiden was beyond lucky he’d met the woman of his dreams when she was free of all responsibility. Charlie had recently graduated from university and was traveling through Ireland when they met. She was in a period of transition and open to all possibilities. The opposite of Serena.
“Sir, we’ve arrived.” Lewis’ voice woke me up.
I blinked and opened my eyes to Lewis leaning over me. I nodded and sat up, stretching my arms. “Thank you.”
He seemed concerned. “Are you going to tell me what happened?”
The painful memories of the day before resurfaced in my mind and I groaned. “I suppose.”
He sat across from me and waited.
“I met a woman.”
Lewis smirked. “I realized that.”
I nodded and rubbed a hand over my face. “Right. Well, I really like her. We got along so well and poured our hearts out to each other. I was starting to fall for her, but I was running out of time. I asked her to come back here with me and she said no. She can’t leave her life in L.A.”
His expression turned solemn. “She can’t leave now, but maybe she ca
n make arrangements?”
I shook my head. “Her family is there and she runs with a charity organization that works around the world. She could never be tied down to one place. She can’t be with me.”
He dropped his head. “I’m sorry, Cian. It’s not fair how life works sometimes.”
I chuckled darkly. “I know it’s a bit ridiculous to complain when I lead a life of privilege.”
“You have more than most, but you also have less control and more responsibility. There’s a trade-off.”
The plane door opened and we shared a look before standing. “Thank you for understanding,” I said.
He sighed. “I think this is when I’m supposed to tell you it will all work out, but I don’t know that. It might be rough for a while.”
I clapped him on the back and moved forward. “You’re lousy at motivational speeches, but I appreciate the attempt.”
He laughed and followed me out of the plane and to the waiting car. When I got close, the rear window rolled down. Blonde hair whipped in the wind as my sister smiled at me.
“Welcome home,” Isla said.
I paused mid-step and turned to Lewis in surprise.
He shrugged. “She asked me to tell her when you were heading back.”
I closed my eyes and forced composure. I couldn't let Isla know about Serena. She’d never let it go. If I wasn’t careful, she’d take the plane and go after her or some other dramatic gesture that would likely result in my humiliation.
“Good morning.” I walked around to the other side of the car and slid through the open door next to her.
Even though I slept for nearly the entire flight, I was suddenly exhausted. Isla had that effect on me. She was always going a hundred kilometers an hour catching me up on things I’d missed while I was away. She was obviously bored if she came all the way here to meet me.
I cleared my throat. “I take it Aiden and Charlie have yet to return.”
She frowned. “They get back tomorrow.”
“And Ronan?”
“Still at university. He doesn’t visit for weeks.”
His Royal Regret: Royals of Lochland Book 2 Page 8